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Death House (2017)
I’m not sure what I just watched but I do know that this movie has, like, almost every horror movie icon ever in it. And really, that’s its only redeeming feature.
During an exclusive tour, a power breakdown inside a secret prison known as the Death House sends two agents fighting through a labyrinth of horrors while being pursued by a ruthless army of roaming inmates. As they fight to escape, the agents push toward the lowest depths of the facility, where they learn a supernatural group of evil beings may be their only chance for survival.
Written by Gunnar Hansen, and apparently based on Dante’s Inferno, Death House
Not one of the Five Evils, just evil at its finest.
We start with 2 FBI agents (I think?) visiting the super-secret, evil prison to…uh…well…okay, so the prison uses virtual reality to…uh…help the prisoners re-live their crimes? Not very clear on that part, but they do kidnap homeless people off the streets and dress them up as prisoners’ former victims so they can kill them again. So, anyway, back to the 2 agents. They seem to be there to tour the prison but they also get to do virtual reality simulations in order to slay their demons (as it were). After they’re done fake-killing (I think?) their past, they go throughout the prison and see prisoners being experimented on and the aforementioned homeless people dosed outta their minds so they’re complacent enough to be slaughtered.
But, at the same time, there’s some random guy running around outside eviscerating a guard and planting a device in him. Then while Lloyd Kaufman (bless him) is operating on said guard, the device causes a power outage that shuts down the prison so the prisoners can escape? (Because, obvs, super-secret, evil prisons are really just that simple to take over. Apparently.)
This leads to the agents & Dee Wallace being trapped in an elevator and Dee’s all “We’re dead” and the agents are all “Nah, really?” and then there’s a bunch of skinless people who are also cannibals (this is in addition to the other cannibals elsewhere). The skinless people are apparently very sad (and are super gross).
We’re gonna die, aren’t we?…Nah, it’s totes good.
There’s a group of prisoners headed to the basement to meet the Five Evils – when they became a thing, I have no idea, they were just suddenly there – who are supernatural, super-evil, super-villain baddies? Maybe? I don’t know. I just do not know. And then there’s an Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom
Meet the Five Evils, the baddest of the baddies
It’s so chaotic. Like, lawless chaotic, not good chaotic. Parts of it were too dark to see (although considering those skinless peeps, that’s maybe a good thing) and the dialogue was all over the place and, just, what the fuck? Y’all, I had to write a paper in college comparing the architecture of a Gothic cathedral to the architecture of Dante’s Inferno
This one is okay for the nostalgia factor but, otherwise, I suggest just visiting Hell itself – it’s bound to be more fun.
The Second Coming: Brought To You In Low Definition
So the cool thing about The Second Coming: Brought To You In Low Definition is that it was filmed on VHS, resulting in an interesting vintage look and feel to the film (like do you remember the quality of VHS?? So spotty!). Unfortunately, that’s really the only good thing I can say about this one. I have absolutely no idea what the point of this film was.
I mean, the tagline reads: “Two 20 some-things, Halibar & Peggy, meet and bond trying to find the owner of a lost cat.”, and this is true…I guess…They DO meet when Halibar finds a lost stuffed animal in the shape of the kitten that he spends some time talking with and whom Peggy helps him return to it’s owner. Whether this stuffed animal is supposed to be a “live actual cat”, I don’t know. They certainly treat it as such. After returning the stuffed animal to it’s owner though, nothing happens except a whole lot of boredom and really uncomfortably strange bits that go on too long. You know what, let’s go back to the beginning…
When a film opens with two people pissing on each other in a non-erotic way whilst taking a bath together, it’s probably a good sign that the film you’re about to watch is not going to be up there in the best of the best category. When the same film continues on so that one of your main characters gets constipated, decides his “poos are like his babies” and then talks to them while on the toilet, it’s definitely a sign that you’re in iffy territory. When said film has no plot and is absolutely non-linear, just random moments, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s on the “not so wonderful” end of the spectrum…except in this case where it does. Random moments are awesome. Random moments where a grown man hugs a child he doesn’t know for 5 minutes straight in silence; decides he’s Jesus and dances in his underwear to remixed gospel music for 5+ minutes (including pole dancing whilst wearing socks and sandals); decides he’s the next Hitler and pens a second Mein Kampf; and is obsessed with his bowels? Really, really not so awesome.
A big part of the problem here was that each of these bits went on for WAY too long – like that dying sketch on SNL that just won’t end. You think you’re “sexy Jesus”? Fabulous. I don’t need to watch you dance in your underwear for more than 5+ minutes though especially when there’s no point to it. Which is the main problem I have with this film – there’s no point. Nothing happens. No one evolves. Two people get together but it’s not an actual relationship, more of someone taking care of a child. Nothing moves forward (or sideways or anyways). It’s just two people (but mainly one guy) acting like a very annoying, whiny man-child with delusions of grandeur. It’s not experimental. It’s not avant-garde. It’s not artsy. It’s not ANYTHING. And therein lies the problem.
This scene happened approximately 8 times and lasted 5 minutes each time…
While very cool with the filming on the VHS, there were still issues with the cinematography – long shots that didn’t match with close-ups, too many uncreative camera angles – it was stagnant. I wish I could say more about this film, better things about this film, but I really can’t. I love that someone had the passion to create a film in the first place; it’s hard work, I know. I think the writer/director here would benefit greatly from a bit more mentoring and learning, and I think it would be interesting to see what he brings in the future.
But yeah…
Citizen ‘Caine
Citizen ‘Caine comes to us courtesy of John Ervin, who also brought us The Tiki War (which you might remember me reviewing in Rogue Cinema a couple of issues back). While I enjoyed The Tiki War, unfortunately I did not enjoy Citizen ‘Caine. The film didn’t serve so much as a look at the grittier side of life as it did to a somewhat boring slice of life. While I don’t think the point of the film was to be grittily morose, one would think that diving into an exploration of the adult film industry and cocaine addiction would be dirtier and more interesting. Mostly though, I just kept wondering what point the film was trying to make exactly and that’s usually not a good sign…
Synopsis: Lou Phillips, a cocaine-addicted insurance salesman from Minnesota, confronts the seedy underbelly of Hollywood in search of his missing teenaged daughter. During his search he interrupts a shoot at LA’s Deep Horizons Studios, which specializes in home-maintenance videos that also serve as adult-entertainment films. In the process of confronting director Sir John Blunstone, his crew, and his biggest star Martha Sunset, Lou also confronts his addiction to cocaine.
Your daughter is an EXCELLENT porn star!
See, that sounds kinda neat, right? And I liked Scott Carson as “Lou” A LOT…except for when he was in Hollywood. Those scenes he wasn’t as good in but it had more to do with the dialogue than him. Because there was simply too much extraneous dialogue floating about here. I’m guessing 7-10 minutes could’ve been cut from this 30 minute film and it would have still worked (possibly even better?). Simply removing the word “Ratan” from appearing so many times would have been an improvement.
What the film DID have going for it were the rare jokes sprinkled throughout. I did find the mixture of sex and appliances strangely amusing, as well as the several references to Nicolas Cage being the BEST ACTOR EVER. But as a whole? The acting made me wince…the dialogue went on and on…and the film just left me empty. It was a nice effort but one that didn’t really pay off. (And let’s face it, if you’re making a movie about people having sex with blenders, it should be fabulous, even if it’s just so BAD that it’s hilarious. But this was just BAD).
But you might love it – especially if sex with appliances is your thing. So go check out the website and like them on Facebook, yeah?
Lapsus
How freaking cool is this poster??
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?? What the heck did I just watch? This was like watching Inception all over again (except I never did quite entirely figure that one out so if anyone cares to explain it, I’m all ears! Well, the end of it I mean. With that spinny thing. Wth?). Instead of dreams, however, we have fantasies (QUITE different – yes they are, E! :-p); fiction and the truth. It makes for a heady combination.
In case you’re wondering, the title comes from an unknown phenomenon that literature considers a Lapsus memoriae or a slip of memory. And the unfortunate memory slip here happens in a laundromat. When I was a poor college student, I was actually rather fond of laundromats – one could get up to all sorts of shenanigans there – but after Lapsus, I believe I have a new phobia. The laundromat plays the central character here, bringing the handful of other characters together and keeping them together. Imagine being enclosed in a very tiny space with 4 strangers – 3 of whom are definitely dangerous and 1 of whom is most likely psychotic. Fun, eh?
All right, all right, all right…
So we’ve got Jackson. He’s just hanging out, waiting on his laundry and “reading” Playboy. Suddenly Rose walks in, strips down to her skivvies so she can wash the clothes she was wearing, chill as can be. And then come the three amigos – Terry, Martin and Lewis. These guys are the bad news. What follows is a fairly normal “hostage in the laundromat” situation…but then…well, let’s just say nothing is ever quite like it seems.
Love, love, love Sophie Meister as Rose. She’s cunning, manipulative, terrified and stone cold. Her performance is absolutely stunning to behold – with her, it’s all in the eyes. And Arben Bajraktaraj as Terry? Never do I want to be locked in a room with that man. Nope. His character seems to take a certain glee in his sadism and it’s so hard to look away.
Playboy?? *gasps* How dare you, Jackson??
Another thing I loved was the cinematography. It was quick and bold and made you feel as if you were standing RIGHT there with bated breath. Major props to writer, Julien Diris and writer/director, Karim Ouaret on their screenplay. It’s intelligent, thoughtful and leaves one with a knot in their stomach, wondering what will happen next. It’s brilliant.
Fantasy or reality? You decide.
Guys, you MUST watch this. Now. Check them at their site for a making of and other goodies and find them on Facebook to say hello!
Freak Dance
Guys…guys, guys, guys…I really am not quite sure what to say about Freak Dance
Let’s start here…
We open on a young girl dressed as a ballerina dancing around her room in her mansion (and when I say young I mean 20 something). Cocolonia, as she’s called, wants to dance more than anything but her mother has forbidden it. So Cocolonia runs away to the streets to become a true street dancer, even though technically she can never be because she comes from money and has never smoked marijuana. Okay?
Then we have two street dance groups who are mortal enemies – Fantaseez and Dazzles. Fantaseez people are all about the love of the dance and dancing for love while Dazzles group is about dancing for sex. Also the main leader of Dazzles was, I’m fairly certain, either Richard Simmons or Perez Hilton…With Fantaseez, you get a lot of quotes about dancing like, “Learning to read is what dancing is all about.” or “Staying away from drugs is what dancing is all about”. There’s also A LOT of talk about dance bulges and how they help enable balance. Oh and there’s singing, did I mention the singing yet??
So Cocolonia joins up with Fantaseez and after they teach her how to work her ass (no, really), she kind of sort of becomes a member and starts to fall in love with their leader, Funky Bunch. Also there’s a scene in a slaughterhouse when she’s trying to learn to be poor.
“Just look at his dance bulge!!”
Of course there’s an underground dance competition that turns into a freak dance off in an effort to save Fantaseez meeting place from being shut down by a building inspector who has ulterior motives and also the FBI is involved…or the CIA…I forget which. So the question is, can Fantaseez be saved? Will Dazzles convince Cocolonia to become a sex dancer? Who can outfreak the other?? Do you think it’s possible I could tweet Amy Poehler and actually score an interview with her about her motivations for being in this movie???
Okay, I kind of loved it. It’s not for everyone, hell, it’s really not for the majority of people and I think there’s maybe one person reading this who might enjoy it. But seriously, it’s kind of brilliant. No, really…
Antfarm Dickhole
Antfarm Dickhole
He’s got ants in his pants!
Okay, here we go. Let’s do this thing…
- Ants freak me out. Seriously freak me out. I used to have weird crazy dreams where they’d be swarming over my bed and wake up and could still feel the bed moving.
- Someone doesn’t quite know his lines here! Or maybe they’re just making up lines?
- How did they go from discussing how crappy life is to the joys of jerking off? And why are they talking about this in the woods? Are they stoned?
- Now we’re talking about bullies…I’m having trouble following this conversation…
- “Didn’t you study a martial art when you were a kid?” Of course. Because EVERYBODY does. Duh.
- What? Who is this guy that looks like a biker? Why is he giving the other guy a wedgie? They’re like 30 not 12!
- Least intimidating bully EVER.
- Who carries a cupcake in their pocket?
- WTF??? “There’s no way we can enjoy the sanctuary of the woods after that happened to my cupcake.” WTF??? That might be my favoritest line EVER!!!!
- We’re only in minute 4, dear lord.
- Why is the white biker bully suddenly talking like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid?
- Ew, ginormous ant crawling up his pants leg. Fake ginormous ant but still.
- Dude, he stepped on your cupcake not kicked your ass. Stop limping.
- “I think he stole my car too. They don’t just go repark themselves you know. They shouldn’t even call this a park…they should call it a stolen.” I LOVE THIS GUY!!
- Minute 5 and finally there’s nudity. Took you long enough movie.
- Why is he getting a stripper dance in his home? Why is there a cat in the background? That’s highly distracting from the full frontal nudity going on. Or maybe it’s subtext. *giggles*
- Nice tat, naked lady!
- This girl is way too hot for this guy Also she gives weird blow jobs. And she just pulled a fake ant out of her mouth when it was done. And now she’s writhing on the floor with fake ants covering her and the kitten is writhing next to her and oh her clit is pierced. And now the guy is jumping on her and suddenly she’s all bloody and he’s stomping on her and trying to call someone and he just stepped on his phone and wait, is she masturbating, and he just passed out and there’s no dialogue and she’s like running her hands over her body and omg, I think the kitty is dead!!
- WHAT?? The chick is now a skeleton and her boyfriend is philosophizing on Montezuma’s revenge. WTF?? “I better call the police.” He says all nonchalantly then throws down the phone and says, “No, I’ll do this the old fashioned way and walk to the police department.” And we’re only in minute 9!!!
- Ah, walking down the yellow brick road. Excellent. What’s up with the sketch bikery guys? And what’s with the wedgies?? Seriously do guys just go around giving strangers wedgies their whole lives??
- Why is this guy like doing weird dance moves around our “hero” now? And why are they using the word “peepee” for penis? I am so confused by this movie. But hey they finally said the catchphrase “ants in your pants”!!
- Why, why is he swatting at this guy and yelling at him to do something about the ants in his pants?? Wait are the ants attacking him now? Is that why?
- WTF is a girl in a bikini doing reporting in the woods? Why, movie, why?
- Dick Street
- I can’t even follow these two guys conversation. It’s all over the place. And cupcake guy is a grammar nazi. And now they’re talking about racism and border control. I really think I need to be stoned to get this. Omg, what? What the hell?
- This guy is totally obsessed with his premature ejaculation while masturbating. That’s fine to bring up all the time but you still use “peepee” when referring to your cock? *face palm*
Um, so yeah…that’s as far as I’ve gotten at the moment and I think you can see why I’m having to break this into segments because dear gods, there is just soooo much I have to say that if I don’t this will be the longest Cinema Schminema posting EVER. I can’t decide if I love this or hate it. And the director’s name is Bill Zebub. Get it? *giggles*
Return to Horror High
There are two reasons I decided to watch Return to Horror High
Ahhhh, dreamy George Clooney…remember when George was dreamy??
So yeah, George doesn’t star but you know who does? Well, sort of. She’s in the whole movie at least. This girl:
Maureen McCormick as the oddly slutty, gets off on blood and eats a lot cop.
This is another movie that I found to be a whole helluva lot of fun but found oddly lacking in the plot department. Back in 1982, the town of Crippen was rocked by a series of murders at Crippen High School. The killer was never caught. Several years later, Cosmic Pictures, headed by sleazy producer Harry Sleerik, has come to Crippen to make a movie about the murders, setting up shop in the high school. However, it seems the killer is still there, and as crew and cast members disappear left and right, it’s up to ex-student/cop/leading man Steven Blake and leading lady Callie Cassidy to get to the bottom of this.
Fake boobs? My grandmother can’t watch that!!
So yeah, that producer guy is one heck of a sleazeball and people keep dying right and left and the whole thing goes back and forth between 1982, current and after the murders to when the cops show up so it’s like a movie within a movie within a movie and I’m not even sure who all died here or if anyone actually died. It’s one of THOSE movies.
And these guys are in the movie too…
Which is why I don’t have much to say about it really other than I enjoyed it, it made me laugh and if you’re a fan of retro horror and young George Clooney, you’ll probably like this. There’s a lot of great actors in it and it’s just so…random. Has anyone else seen this? Am I still just needing to catch up on sleep or did it actually not make a whole helluva lot of sense?
One last thing, I recently discovered a movie entitled “Antfarm Dickhole”. Yes, I will be watching this weekend and yes, it will be the next review (although I don’t know if it will be a full review or simply a First Five…so many possibilities for a movie with that name!).
Midnight Movie
First, thanks to all for your support during the show’s run! It is so greatly appreciated!!
Secondly, in an effort to get a sampling of all the “amateur” critics out there, Thomas over at Ontopic Reviews has decided to do what Sight and Sound has done and get voters to decide what the greatest films ever made are.
You can read his post HERE .
Be sure to go over and check him out because 1) he’s pretty cool and 2) this project is going to be wicked! 🙂
Thirdly, Andy from Andy Watches Movies and I are hosting a blogathon in the next month or so (details to follow!). The theme? Nostalgia! We all have movies from growing up that we love; The Goonies, Star Wars, Ghostbusters, Ferris Bueller, Karate Kid, etc. These movies are movies that many of us grew up watching and likely still have great memories of the movies as kids as well as adults. We want to focus on that nostalgic factor to films, but also films from your childhood that may not have been super popular or that you had a weird attachment to as a kid. It’s going to be super exciting and super awesome so I hope you all will play along with us! 🙂 Oh and if you’re not already an Andy fan, head over and check him out! Seriously, what are you waiting for?
And finally…
Omg, what the eff happened in this movie?? I have no freaking clue because I could not stop *giggling* over Midnight Movie: The Killer Cut
This movie is so awesome. Like, so totally awesome. I don’t even understand what was happening here (and I don’t think it was because I was watching while I worked either!).
K, so the movie starts with these hilarious doctors. Doctor #1 decides that it’s a great idea to show Mr. Radford (currently of the psych ward) a movie that Mr. Radford had previously directed and starred in – a horror movie along the vein of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Doctor #2 thinks this is a really crappy idea and Doctor #1 is all like, “Oh but I got his hopes up about watching it, if I take it away now, I’ll feel really guilty.” What the what??? *giggles* Nothing about that makes any sense. Anyway, Radford watches the movie, then starts eating his own arm (I don’t understand either) and then the next day one of the docs shows up and the whole ward is a bloody mess with no bodies. Got all that? K, moving on.
Whoopsie. Maybe showing him that old movie of his wasn’t the best idea I ever had. Oh well.
Next up is a group of good looking kiddos in a dilapidated old movie house, all pretty solid stereotypes. Some work there, some are just there to watch an old slasher film, that coincidentally is MR. RADFORD’S FILM!!! Bet ya didn’t see that one coming! Ha! Okay, so get this – the killer in the movie comes off the screen and starts killing everyone!!! I’m so not kidding!!
Don’t question how I came off that movie screen or you’ll be screwed.
I don’t know why he comes off the movie screen or how or really what any of this had to do with Mr. Radford, except for him making the movie. I don’t know why there was some vague back story about a couple of the kids having been abused by their father or why the big burly biker guy is a complete dick for the majority of the movie then turns into a big softie and wow, did that guy have huge freaking hands. All I know is that I want to watch this movie again. Like right now. And I want them to make a sequel or a remake so I can be in it. Like right now.
Closets – The First Five
I’ve decided that every once in awhile I’m going to do a bit called “The First Five”. Why? Because sometimes, the first five minutes of a movie are enough to convince you that you’ve made an unwise but hilarious choice in viewing material.
For my first entry into the “First Five”, I’d like to introduce to a movie called “Closets”. Now “Closets” came my way via a 6 movie pack I picked up called “Deadly Games” (you know those 6 packs you get at Walmart for $5? Oh yeah…. ;)).
The first thing you should know about “Closets” is that it’s a true indie film. So indie that the entire first scene is green screened. As in, one guy is in a parking garage and another guy is standing in a street but it’s actually done via green screen. Now, I was once a part of a very indie, lo-budget sci-fi webseries that was almost completely green screened so I’m not knocking the green screen….exactly. But do you need some kind of permit to film one man in a parking garage? Do filmmakers not sneak into places they’re not supposed to be anymore?? Anyway….this scene ends with an explosion and the death of a young girl, who was in a supernatural cage (I dunno, she was surrounded by these wavy lines??).
Our main guy is blamed for her death. He has a trial. They didn’t have money for a courtroom scene either. The entire trial is intoned over shots of a woman driving down a highway, fixing her hair. I don’t get it either. Oh and in Arizona, you go to jail for 3 – 5 years for murder. Does anyone else find this less than accurate? I mean, young kid dying and all. Fictional Arizona is apparently way more lenient than real Arizona!
Finally (after the woman is done driving), our guy gets out of prison. The woman appears to be his wife who has remained loyal all these years. Now it’s up to our guy to go get a job to support the family! But wait, he has that pesky murder sentence hanging over him….so after one lousy interview where a suited man snarks to his co-worker “I remember giving those shoes to Goodwill, hahahhaaaa….” our guy is completely and totally bummed. He goes to a bar and pulls out a handful of change and asks for whatever that will get him. It’s about a jigger of whisky (yeah. I used the word jigger. Cause I’m cool like that.) The bartender notices how depressed our guy is and offers him a magic pill. DUDE, why do bartenders never give ME drugs???? I’m not some older guy who just got out of prison, I’m a cute chick! We live in a messed up world, people, messed up I tell ya……Oh and the bartender gives him a shot on the house.
So what happens next? Well after his two sips of whiskey and the happy pill, our guy heads out stumbling along the streets till he comes upon a psychic. He goes in and meets what may be the world’s only BDSM psychic. No hippy-dippy, flowy skirts here. Oh no. This chica is dressed from head to toe in black leather and spandex with a dog collar. I don’t know whether to applaud this costume choice or cry over it.
And this, my friends, this is where I stopped…..because the first thing this psychic does is have an apparent orgasm when she gets a “vision”. This guy lives in one seriously f’ed up world. (I kinda want to go to there).
So will I finish “Closets”? Hell, yeah. How could I not??
Cinema Schminema 