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500 MPH Storm


500 MPH Storm.  No really, that’s the title.  Of course, I couldn’t pass this baby up, not with a name like that.  And of course, it’s an Asylum offering.  *sighs*  Sometimes I wish I lived in the Asylum world…I mean sure I’d be dodging crazy natural disasters left and right all while being hunted by fairy tale creatures and other stuff but wow, can you imagine what fun it would be??

Anyway, this movie starts out quickly with the WTF? science.  The 500 MPH storm is created by oil drilling.  No, I don’t understand it either.  It’s exactly like that time a volcano in the Antarctic exploded, melting glaciers and creating a metal tornado.  Unlike Metal Tornado though, this movie was WAYYYY less fun.

Here are our protagonists and here we shall start with the not so awesomeness.

Here are our protagonists and here we shall start with the not so awesomeness.

  • Of course there was a hot air balloon race that day.
  • “Just shut up and play your game!”  Thanks, Mom.  There’s a 500 MPH storm brewing and oh yeah, I’m like 16!
  • Is this old guy Casper Van Dien?  Wasn’t he like incredibly good looking and stuff?  Or am I thinking of someone else?…
  • I always make sandwiches when death is imminent too.  It’s only natural.
  • Mom is a major bitch.  Yelling at the son about being ungrateful over sandwiches when there’s a 500 MPH storm coming right at them.  Priorities people.  Priorities.
  • Um, this isn’t a storm so much as a tornado/hurricane/raging monster hybrid. Storm indicates a little rain and lightning, no?
  • This family makes my family look functional…
  • Awww, the old lady journalist who was complaining she was too old to be out in this weather just got ate by the storm.
  • Also the storm is conveniently chasing our dysfunctional family.  Not anyone else, just them.  It kinda looks like a smoke monster.  I never got that far in “Lost” – is this what it looked like?  (Darn it, I can’t find a picture of the storm where it looks like the monster!)
  • The best place to go in a tornado is a building made entirely of windows.  I’m from the South, I know these things…
  • Rain, rain, flood, flood, smoke monster, smoke monster.
  • Is this movie seriously just this one family driving around with the storm chasing them for 86 minutes while they yell at each other?
  • Ah, angsty teen anger.

SoBored*Editor Note:  Lindsay Lohan was not in this movie – this is just my reaction at this point.*

  • Society has been gone for all of five minutes and already we have looters and would be rapists?  I mean, okay, it’s somewhat reasonable but still….
  • Obligatory 18 wheeler coming at the car…
  • Slow motion thrashing around in the car while they’re in the tornado!!  Casper Van Dien looks wayyyy too happy here!
  • Note to self – look up jujuaura (sp?) effect to see if this is real.
  • They keep trying to get ABOVE the storm.  But the storm is in the sky…so…you know what, never mind.  Logic has no place here at all.
  • Oh god.  There’s 44 minutes left to this.

I almost gave up here, people, I really did.  But I stuck it out.  All I know is that there’s a magical laser beam that works, then doesn’t work, then works; Casper Van Dien is a grinning maniac every time he’s in danger and then this is what’s left:

This 86 minute storm destroyed the world.

This 86 minute storm destroyed the world.

This was such a let down after Hansel & Gretel.  I mean, I was really freaking proud of the Asylum after that one.  But this…oy, just stay away, far, far away.

Antfarm Dickhole Redux

When last we left our hapless…um…heroes, there was a whole lot of nothing going on – nothing that included masturbation, ants, and masturbation.  So let’s pick up where we left off.  Ready, y’all?

  • Weird cupcake guy is hitting on the girl sunbathing in the woods.  Because that makes sense, sunbathing in the woods…
  • “Um…I don’t exactly know my lines…so I will stammer my way through this scientific explanation of how ants are living legos…”
  • Now they’re just seeing how many times they can use “ant” in a phrase in one sentence.  *sighs*
  • Did I miss something?  Suddenly several people have been killed by the ants.  When did that happen?
  • Yay!  A detective!  Detectives always equal good fun!
  • “The word ‘dick’ was spraypainted on your car.  I suspect whoever did it knew you.”  HA!
  • This guy has to be so incredibly stoned.  Only stoned people talk like this – completely circular.
  • Um..fake toy ant coming out of a fake cock…I agree dude, “Why god, why??”
  • “If I can’t have a girlfriend, none of you can either!”  This movie was written by stoned 12 year olds, no doubt.
  • I don’t even know how to describe what’s happening now, I really don’t.  I just…what?  Sex with (WITH not IN) a car, bloody vayjayjay and apparently you can lock people into their cars these days by propping a stick up outside the door.  WHY AM I WATCHING THIS????
  • Not a single woman in this movie wears clothes.  They only wear bikinis.  With sneakers.  I really really dislike this movie.
  • This girl is wearing clothes!!!  Actual clothing!!!
  • Brain water, y’all, brain water.
  • Yeah, I always shower in my underwear too.
  • I am SO going to laugh when masturbating guy falls through that glass table.  Oh wait, he’s not masturbating, he appears to actually be having sex with an open window.
  • They’re ANTS people.  STEP ON THEM.

And I quit.  This movie is quite possibly the stupidest movie I have ever seen (and I don’t use the term “stupid” lightly).  Goodbye, Antfarm Dickhole, may you rot in the deepest depths of Hades.  I am SO watching a good movie next!

The Sinful Dwarf

Today’s post makes me very, very sad.  😦  I’m talking I kinda wanna jump out a window like the dwarf at the end of this movie sad.  😦  I don’t know what I did to deserve having to watch this thing but I clearly went very wrong somewhere in life.  😦 I’ve also done something different here today, a kind of stream of conciousness thing wherein I’ve written my thoughts through out the movie.

But first, the plot:  A lady and her dwarf son (I’ll be using the term “dwarf” through out this because it’s used in the film btw) kidnap women, shoot them up with heroin and then rent out their bodies for sex.

This pretty much sums up the “plot”…

I don’t have minute marks or anything so this really is just what’s in my head through the film….

1 second in and I already hate this movie.

Why is that 30 year old woman pretending to be ten and playing hopscotch?

Seriously who but an actual 10 year old is charmed by an animatronic puppy??  Is this dwarf actually kidnapping children but the producers didn’t want to use children because it of the whole child porn thing?

A monkey playing drums is not helping this movie at all. 

Why are there dancing toys everywhere?  I feel like I should be on mind altering substances right now to actually make it through this…

Puppet humping the floor…*sighs*

Is the whole movie just going to be random scene bits with no ties?  Murder of teddy bears to screaming lady to couple outside a lodging house?  WTF?

Is that dwarf faking the accent or is that real?  And why is he frolicking on the bed? This is so disturbing.

Girl:  “I’m so tired, I don’t care, I’ll stay anywhere.”  Girl after meeting dwarf:  “I don’t want to stay here.” Said in tears.

Why was there a shot of the screaming girl again?  And why does no one freaking hear her scream?

Mom says no fooling around with them – isn’t that why those girls are there??

This is one sinful dwarf for sure.  Totes sketch.

If I have to watch this dwarf masturbate at any point in this movie, I will be pissed.

Oh for pete’s sake, I get it she has a really nice ass, that’s enough close ups of it!

E, you could’ve warned me of the porno factor…this sex scene has been going on for approximately 5 hours now…and I’m fairly certain they are actually doing THE SEX, as you say, instead of the acting.

Why is there a random woman writhing on the bed?  What the hell Sinful Dwarf??  What the hell?  I hate you so much.

Oh, that’s a great idea, Braless Girl Who’s Terrified of This House, go wandering around the dark hallways that look like a million people were murdered there. 

Girl writhing on bed again yelling for the dwarf…this dwarf takes way to much time to do things.  Slowest dwarf ever.

Different girl writhing on bed…no wait, several girls writhing on dirty mattresses…what is that dwarf injecting her with? 

Wow that one girl needs to eat something.

Why is the dwarf all…Danish or whatever and the mom has no accent?  Is he adopted?  Why do I care?  Why are those old ladies so happy over Beefeater?  How much longer is this movie??

OH.  They’re not sleeping with the girls, they’re selling the girl’s bodies to other people! 

Wait, now these old ladies have accents they didn’t a minute ago…

What kind of liquor is Beefeater?  I assume it’s like moonshine?

Oh please, no, no, no.  Please don’t let the drunk old women dance…please….

Oh this is just disturbing.  He’s making toys have THE SEX.  Dear lord…

And it just got worse.  The drunk old lady is not just wearing fruit on her head and dancing, but singing.  Why??  I want to cry…

Oh yay, more sex and writhing girl on bed but now it goes along with the song.  I am so sad.

So many asses.

I can think of so many other things I would rather be doing at this moment: creating a budget, giving the dog a flea bath, cleaning the house top to bottom, babysitting 20 five year olds…the list goes on and on…

How long have these women been drinking??  I think they’re on day 5.

She’s already stated a million times that she’s afraid of the room so why does she keep returning?  Get a freaking job already, Braless girl!

And speaking of braless, I just saw dwarf mom’s sideboob because she is wearing an entirely inappropriate shirt for a 50 year old.

Wow, not sure I’ve ever seen someone have a nervous breakdown over seeing a mouse.

Why is this man named Santa Claus?  This movie is disturbing on so many levels.

Why is she singing again?  I almost feel sorry for these drunk old ladies.  They’re like the anti “Absolutely Fabulous”.

Did S&M just enter into this?  It did!  ‘The movie just got interesting.  FINALLY.

Ah, heroin.  That’s what in that syringe.

This young couple is the most boring young couple of all time.  The only conversation they have is “Oh, don’t give up writing!” “But we need money!”

Since when does the man part of the young couple work in Santa Claus’s workshop??

Since when does this chick smoke??  Why does nothing make sense here??

I hate these old women.  She’s pulling out another costume to sing and dance in. 

Why does Braless Girl get to keep her bra when they kidnap her? And since when does she wear a bra in the first place?  Oh wait, two minutes later and she’s suddenly completely naked.  *sighs*

Dude, lady, it’s no use pleading to a guy who’s paying to rape you for help. 

Oh good, this time THE SEX has actual porno music to go along with all that thrustiness instead of drunk old women singing showtunes.

Oh no.  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  I think I’m about to see dwarf sex.  No.  Please.  IPC, why do you hate me??

Okay, okay, this is not good.  😦  He is raping her with a cane and I am not pleased with this turn of events at all.  😦  This movie better be over soon.

I think the end is nigh.  Please, please, please.  I’m begging you universe let it be over soon.  The cops are at the boarding house.   Oh please.

Oh hubby and cop just broke into the attic where the girls are all chained up and drugged.  Thank goodness. 

Seriously, cop?  You just hand a gun to the pissed off hubby?  I don’t see this ending well. 

Yep.  That didn’t end well at all.  And really evil mom?  Asking your sex slave ring to help you after you’ve been shot?  Stupidity.

I hate this dwarf and his cane.  I hope he falls out of this window. 

And he did.  Well, that was more a jump but still.  Works for me. 

Why are there toys hanging out in the alley???  Stupid movie.

I need to go take another shower.

So yeah, there you have it.  I am so not posting links or trailers or anything else because I do NOT want to be responsible for anyone else having to watch this ever.  Stupid dwarf.