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The First Five – Monster Brawl

Monsterbrawl

Okay, gotta be honest – I really watched the first 40 minutes of this not just five.  BUT I honestly didn’t realize I was still watching it till my friend, The Brad, called and I was like, “Why can’t I hear what you’re saying??  Oh…this stupid thing is still on??”  So that totally counts for a First Five.  Right?  😉

Yeah…so…I’d like to start by saying that a movie that involves monsters and wrestling should be AMAZING.  FUCKING AMAZING.  It’s like having a movie that involves hot girls and jello wrestling – how do you go wrong????  You can’t.  You just can’t go wrong with that.  And yet…*sighs*.  WHAT THE FUCK, Monster Brawl???  WHAT THE FUCK?  How on earth did you ruin a flick so full of potential??  I love monsters.  I used to be really into wrestling.  Kevin Nash is in this movie for pete’s sake and I couldn’t even make it to his part.  Now if Mick Foley had been in this I would’ve stuck it out because my gosh, do I love that man.  I even read Have A Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks.  (I know, I know – how on earth am I still single??  I am SO a kickawesome catch. ;-p) But I digress…

Speaking of Foley's...

Speaking of Foley’s…

Speaking of Foley’s though, Dave Foley is in this movie and from what I saw he spends the entire time with a look upon his face that clearly indicates he has no CLUE how he got in this film.  None at all.  Also his “character” is continuously drinking from a flask…yeah, “character”…*cough cough, wink wink*

 

The oh so amazing "Cyclops" makeup...

The oh so amazing “Cyclops” makeup…

Oh and let’s talk about this guy for a minute, shall we?  Someone be a dear and tell me when exactly Cyclops (Cyclopses…Cyclopi…what’s the plural??) developed laser beam eyeballs that can melt the faces off people.  Because that happened.  TOTES.

monsterbrawl4

Why, yes, that IS her name – “Lady Vampire”.  There’s also another woman called “Witch Bitch”.  Don’t even get me started on this bullshit.

The most boring monster fights you'll ever see...

The most boring monster fights you’ll ever see…

So to sum up – FUCK YOU, Monster Brawl.  You go hide somewhere and hang your head in shame.

P.S.  Next Classic Movie will be The Usual Suspects!

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