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Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare

Wow.  I really did not remember having so much hatred for Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare. But yeah, if I had watched this movie in real time and this was being billed as the last one ever and I watched I would be so pissed off.  It would be like watching Ep. 1, 2, and 3 of Star Wars all over again.  Actually I don’t even know if I watched Ep. 3…

Anyway, Freddy’s back (duh), kids are dying, more of Freddy’s history is revealed and logic, continuity and plain common sense are missing. Read on for further thoughts (they aren’t great – just got power back yesterday and wow, do you know how dirty your house can get after 8 days with no power?  Plus catching up on 8 days of work and stuff equals one sleepy girl.  So I sincerely apologize for what you are about to read.):

So long, farewell…

  • Yay Nietzsche quote!  I so have a literary crush on him.  Him and Anais Nin.
  • Okay, so this movie is actually set 10 years after it is made…why does it say “10 years from now” rather than “10 years later” or something.  This bugs me.
  • I hate planes which is ironic given that both of my parents flew in their free time and I’ve been flying since I was 6 months old.
  • “Don’t be a pussy” says the old lady – haha, I am so going to be that lady when I’m older.
  • Falling out of planes is one of the reasons I don’t like them.  *yeesh*
  • This kid kinda looks like the dude from “Boy Meets World”…Rider Strong?  Anyway, pretty cute.
  • Yay, Wizard of Oz reference!  ❤
  • Dream within a dream?  Is this Alice’s baby Jacob? Why is this movie starting this way??
  • Freddy house!  Tricycle!!
  • Did he just actually run on air?
  • I have NEVER tumbled down a hill in quite so dramatic a manner…this kid should be dead by now.
  • I wonder if Robert Englund was tired of making these by now?  Freddy’s doing a crappy job of killing this kid.  And I still don’t know if this is dream world or real world land.  I’m going to assume this will all be explained later.  I do not remember much of this movie.
  • Person shaped hole in the universe!  Timey wimey!
  • Hahaha, old school handheld video games.  Dude.  I have an original Gameboy – tried explaining that to my friend’s six year old – his response “Gameboy, that’s what they called them before they called them DS right?”
  • Breckin Meyer!!  Seriously, how old is this guy?  He’s been in everything for like all time.
  • I look at this therapist and all I can see is Tracy Morgan from 30 Rock – did he play this guy on SNL at some point?  Yaphet Kotto, I think?
  • Seriously, Rider Strong, just sing quietly to yourself if you need to stay awake.
  • I totally forgot the big Wizard of Oz undertones here…
  • Ah, 1991, that explains the Saved by the Bell décor and cray cray CGI.
  • Where do these people live where the cops are all “Oh, another 12 year old crackhead on the streets.” and the graffiti indicates this is a third world country?
  • Worst town fair EVER.  Although that elderly man in a tophat riding bumper cars by himself is pretty awesome.
  • DUDE, ROSEANNE!!  I forgot she was in this!  And Tom Arnold! *giggles*  Oh 90s, you were so cool.
  • Why does this social worker not notice the state of Springwood? Smoking clowns, insane Roseanne Barr…giving juvenile delinquents a van to drive back to the shelter… I am thinking someone is not the best at her job.
  • Time loop!  Which one was it where this became a thing?  #4?
  • Awww, I wanna hold an art contest for kids drawing Freddy Krueger.  It would be adorable.
  • Yeah, Carlos, I’m not so great with maps either.   At least no map has actually said to me that I’m fucked.  Misty: 1, Carlos: 0
  • Gotta admit, the whole adults gone crazy by lack of kids/empty town/etc. idea is creepy but not as well executed here as it could be.
  • Rider has no memory but all of a sudden he totally remembers Freddy Krueger and what happened in this town.
  • Freddy had a kid!!
  • Could a whole town of children really disappear with no police or government official intervention?  I mean, you can’t arrest Freddy but someone would get the blame right?
  • I really am way too tired to be witty tonight, sorry guys.
  • Fire pretty.
  • Ew, I would not sleep in a bed with dust flying up from it.  I am picky though.
  • Oh Carlos, why did you go and fall asleep?  You really are fucked.
  • Ew, I remember this part now with the qtip.  Nice touch with the little chunky bits, special effects team!
  • Oh Freddy, now you’re just mocking him.  How rude!
  • Spider ear, spider ear does whatever a spider ear does!
  • There are some really bad editing cuts in this, continuity was apparently not an issue.
  • Ha @ Carlos – “you wouldn’t do that would you man?” Carlos so doesn’t realize who he’s dealing with here.
  • Freddy used to kill people a lot faster. And not make love to blackboards…
  • Um…what kind of weed causes you to hallucinate that a broken and smashed t.v. is working?
  • Oh logic, sometimes I really wish you showed up more often in film.  But only sometimes.  This is one of those times.
  • Yay Johnny Depp!!
  • Yes, Freddy, only hippies smoke weed.
  • I really want to watch Laugh-In now.
  • I think Freddy is playing Atari here (explaining that one to the six year old was harder).
  • Wait, since when can Rider suddenly go into people’s dreams?
  • Ugh, the movie has gotten cartoonish, almost literally.
  • Okay, I just spaced out for like 10 minutes.  I still really do not like this movie.
  • Although this made me laugh – “He’s not going to get me again.  NOTHING can make me leave this bed.” End of bed catches on fire.  “Dammit.”
  • For someone who’s scared of heights, Rider looks not very concerned about his imminent death by falling 800 million feet.
  • Oh wow.  That was the worst acting I have seen in awhile.  Like really really bad.
  • I don’t know if I can finish this.  I think there’s still a half hour or more left.  I didn’t remember it being THIS bad.
  • Omg, I want to tear my hair out this is so bad.  Someone tell me something happy, please?
  • So my friends got a new kitten.  They named it Meep.
  • She looks embarrassed.  I am embarrassed for this movie.
  • Freddy’s got plans for world domination, y’all!
  • Yay – tagline!  “Every town has an Elm Street.”
  • Kung fu this bitch.  Indeed.
  • This movie lacks any tenseness, any horror and leaves me with no feelings of caring.  It’s kind of like watching that production of Evil Dead: The Musical all over again.
  • Freddy’s listing all the ways people have tried to kill him while cutting off his own fingers.  He has green ooze instead of blood in case you were wondering.
  • Oh yeah, dream people gave him this job.  That’s right, now I remember where this is going.  3D land, y’all, that’s where we’re headed.  *sighs*
  • So they’re going with the tried and true method of pulling Freddy out of the dream into the real world.  Because that’s worked so well in the past.
  • They certainly have some inspired casting in this one.  Alice Cooper as Freddy’s father/stepfather/adoptive father?
  • Blah, blah, fight to the death, blah, blah, explosion, blah, 3D, blah.
  • THE END.

This sums up the movie fairly well.

And of course the trailer:

In summary, eff you Final Nightmare, eff you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spork

Brace yourselves, folks.  It’s a rare non-horror day here at Cinema Schminema.  But don’t leave just yet because if you’re a fan of offbeat, hilariously awkward periodic comedies, then this is the movie for you!  I present to you Spork.

Spork is just your average 14 year old hermaphrodite (hence the nickname “Spork”) struggling with the ups and downs of high school.   Everybody knows that she’s a hermaphrodite and most everybody hates her (even the guy with two dads).  Till one day she meets a guy named Chunk who advises her to stand up for herself and just be her.  So she does so, by throwing a basketball into the face of Betsy Byotch (no really, that’s her name) who constantly makes fun of her.  Now Betsy and her pack of Britney Spears worshiping bitches (no really, they call themselves “the bitches”) are out for blood.  What’s a girl to do?  Well, duh, she should win the dance off so she can have $236 (no really that’s the prize) to partake of a quick “lose fat, get pretty” agent her dead mother prescribed for her.  So with the help of her new friend, Chunk, the aforementioned guy with two dads whom she ends up more than befriending and the closest thing she has to a best friend, her neighbor Tootsie Roll, Spork sets out to do just that.  And you know what that means.  This movie ends with my all time favorite of movie endings – AN EPIC IN  YOUR FACE DANCE SEQUENCE!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe the boys will all like me if I skip down the road with a dead dog!

Spork is one hell of a good time complete with the Napoleon Dynamite‘esque trick of not letting you in on exactly what the time period is.  Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are mentioned frequently, the bitches wear clothing that made me want to go have a Saved by the Bell marathon and the song Tootsie Roll is played so frequently that I can’t get it out of my head.

Some random facts:

  1.   Whatever time this is was the beginning of krumping because the dancers are still wearing clown makeup.
  2.   The game Twister will enable you to become a champion krumper/break dancer.
  3.   If you like a boy, all you need is lipstick.
  4.  I will never be able to dance like the 14 year olds in this movie.  Well, maybe like that gang of Betsy Byotch’s.

So if you like comedy and you like awkward and you like hilarious indie film, I highly recommend you go watch this.  Like now, byotch. Oh and a little something extra: