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Terror Toons

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you’ve likely heard me mention Terror Toons at least once, as I consider it quite possibly the worst movie ever made (and that’s saying something!).  So I decided it was time to share the atrocity…um, I mean love with you all!

With a title like Terror Toons, I certainly wasn’t expecting greatness but this went from bad to some form of horror that I’ve never before or after encountered.  The premise of the movie is a little girl (of course played by a busty mid-20 year old) who receives a videotape called “Terror Toons”, a cartoon that features a mad doctor and his sidekick, homicidal gorilla (see? Sidekick homicidal gorilla should = hilarity but NO).  While she’s watching the cartoon, the two characters come to life, jump out of the t.v. and embark on a killing spree that’s part disgusting and part ridiculous.

See how my hair’s in pigtails with fun little holders? Clearly, I am a child!

Meanwhile, the girl’s older sister and friends are in the living room playing what is, as far as I can tell, the only documented game of strip Ouija EVER.  How does that even work??  You take off an article of clothing when the friendly spirits tell you to?  They fail to notice the little sister’s death…their friend’s death…the pizza delivery guy’s death…you see how this is going right?  It’s not until the mad scientist and evil gorilla actually pop out into the living room and start singing and dancing (yes.  Singing and dancing.  It goes to there…) that they notice something strange is going on.

Clearly we’re terrifying.

And then?  And then the whole house turns into one big cartoon acid trip with swirling colors and…well, honestly, that’s when I had to turn the movie off.  It’s not often a film beats me but dear god, this was so horrible I admitted defeat.  I can only recommend this for heavy drug users or hardcore revenge.

The Machine Girl

First things first: Wow, f’ing wow, holy cow, I’m in love. I’m in love with this movie, I’m in love with The Machine Girl herself. When the Japanese want revenge, man, they REALLY know how to go about achieving it. They don’t half-ass it, not at all. Whereas Bruce Willis would go around shooting some dudes and maybe blowing up a few things, the Japanese have an all out gore fest that’s way more creative.

Let’s start at the beginning–with the fabulous opening scene of Machine Girl (“Ami”, played by Minase Yashiro) teaching a few bullies a lesson they won’t forget. The splatter starts immediately and doesn’t end. The even better thing though? The splatter is of the hilariously cheesy “are we in the 80s?” kind that makes this even more of a maniacly fun romp. From arms getting fried into tempura to a medieval ninja device that is part mace and part bear trap, this is one insane ride through a schoolgirl’s quest for vengeance.

Ami and her brother, Yu are orphans who’s parents were accused of murder and committed suicide (the details of this accused murder are not revealed). Alone in the world, they only have each other to depend on and each is fiercely protective of the other. Unfortunately, Yu and his friend Takeshi are being relentlessly bullied by a group led by the son of the ninja-yakuza clan (oh yes, not just yakuza but also ninjas.) Of course our bullies take things too far and Yu and Takeshi tragically die. While the police say it was suicide, Ami is positive this isn’t the case and goes on a one schoolgirl hunt for the truth. And just fyi, the truth involves a drill bra. (Yes, you did read that correctly.)

Hands down, this is one of the best Japanese “revengesploitation” movies I’ve ever seen. If you love Japan, if you loved Peter Jackson’s “Bad Taste”, if you love *me* at all, go watch this movie. Now. Seriously. The words “drill bra” are in this review, why are you even still reading??