Blog Archives

Citizen ‘Caine

Citizen 'Caine

Citizen ‘Caine comes to us courtesy of John Ervin, who also brought us The Tiki War (which you might remember me reviewing in Rogue Cinema a couple of issues back). While I enjoyed The Tiki War, unfortunately I did not enjoy Citizen ‘Caine. The film didn’t serve so much as a look at the grittier side of life as it did to a somewhat boring slice of life. While I don’t think the point of the film was to be grittily morose, one would think that diving into an exploration of the adult film industry and cocaine addiction would be dirtier and more interesting. Mostly though, I just kept wondering what point the film was trying to make exactly and that’s usually not a good sign…

Synopsis: Lou Phillips, a cocaine-addicted insurance salesman from Minnesota, confronts the seedy underbelly of Hollywood in search of his missing teenaged daughter. During his search he interrupts a shoot at LA’s Deep Horizons Studios, which specializes in home-maintenance videos that also serve as adult-entertainment films. In the process of confronting director Sir John Blunstone, his crew, and his biggest star Martha Sunset, Lou also confronts his addiction to cocaine.

Your daughter is an EXCELLENT porn star!

Your daughter is an EXCELLENT porn star!

See, that sounds kinda neat, right? And I liked Scott Carson as “Lou” A LOT…except for when he was in Hollywood. Those scenes he wasn’t as good in but it had more to do with the dialogue than him. Because there was simply too much extraneous dialogue floating about here. I’m guessing 7-10 minutes could’ve been cut from this 30 minute film and it would have still worked (possibly even better?). Simply removing the word “Ratan” from appearing so many times would have been an improvement.

What the film DID have going for it were the rare jokes sprinkled throughout. I did find the mixture of sex and appliances strangely amusing, as well as the several references to Nicolas Cage being the BEST ACTOR EVER. But as a whole? The acting made me wince…the dialogue went on and on…and the film just left me empty. It was a nice effort but one that didn’t really pay off. (And let’s face it, if you’re making a movie about people having sex with blenders, it should be fabulous, even if it’s just so BAD that it’s hilarious. But this was just BAD).

Caine

But you might love it – especially if sex with appliances is your thing. So go check out the website and like them on Facebook, yeah?

 

Terror Toons

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you’ve likely heard me mention Terror Toons at least once, as I consider it quite possibly the worst movie ever made (and that’s saying something!).  So I decided it was time to share the atrocity…um, I mean love with you all!

With a title like Terror Toons, I certainly wasn’t expecting greatness but this went from bad to some form of horror that I’ve never before or after encountered.  The premise of the movie is a little girl (of course played by a busty mid-20 year old) who receives a videotape called “Terror Toons”, a cartoon that features a mad doctor and his sidekick, homicidal gorilla (see? Sidekick homicidal gorilla should = hilarity but NO).  While she’s watching the cartoon, the two characters come to life, jump out of the t.v. and embark on a killing spree that’s part disgusting and part ridiculous.

See how my hair’s in pigtails with fun little holders? Clearly, I am a child!

Meanwhile, the girl’s older sister and friends are in the living room playing what is, as far as I can tell, the only documented game of strip Ouija EVER.  How does that even work??  You take off an article of clothing when the friendly spirits tell you to?  They fail to notice the little sister’s death…their friend’s death…the pizza delivery guy’s death…you see how this is going right?  It’s not until the mad scientist and evil gorilla actually pop out into the living room and start singing and dancing (yes.  Singing and dancing.  It goes to there…) that they notice something strange is going on.

Clearly we’re terrifying.

And then?  And then the whole house turns into one big cartoon acid trip with swirling colors and…well, honestly, that’s when I had to turn the movie off.  It’s not often a film beats me but dear god, this was so horrible I admitted defeat.  I can only recommend this for heavy drug users or hardcore revenge.