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Serial Killing 101 (or Serial Killing 4 Dummys)

SerialKilling101

So…was I the only person who wasn’t aware that Lisa Loeb had an acting career?  Because yeah…that was the best thing Serial Killing 101 had going for it.  Not even Thomas Haden Church could save this atrocity (although he had the one funny line in the whole thing).  Okay, Corey Feldman’s cameo was kickawesome too.  Just overall…it always makes me sad when a movie has a decent cast, has a decent idea and just can’t follow through.

Casey (Justin Urich) is a teen who is having some issues lately – he’s moody and cranky and well, ya know, a teenager.  Plus his dad died a year ago, so there’s that.  And there’s of course a girl, Sasha (Lisa Loeb), whom he desperately wants to impress. And a gym teacher (Thomas Haden Church) who seems to have a personal vendetta against him.   What’s the solution to all these issues?  Becoming a serial killer – DUH!  Although that works mostly to impress Sasha because she’s like TOTALLY GOTH and shiz.  TOTES.

"I can be your first victim?  That's hot."

“I can be your first victim? That’s hot.”

And one more thing – while Casey is studying up on how to be a serial killer (because basically this film is just that, a tutorial), there’s a real serial killer running around serial killing teenage girls.  We only see one murder but it’s a doozy.  Our serial killer kills the Annoying Ditzy Popular Blond by…wait for it…stuffing a doll in her mouth!  OMG. The insanity.

Basically this flick is suffering from a severe lack of plot.  All we see are Casey and Sasha reading books on serial killing and going to the library (apparently this was before internet?); Casey’s lame attempts to kill (he can’t even dissect a frog in biology, y’all!) and his murderous daydreams which are just downright stupid.  I read on Wiki that someone said this movie is better than it has any right to be – um…I’m guessing someone has never seen another movie before?  This is much worse than it has a right to be.  The story is inane and there’s no mystery as to who the real serial killer is.  There’s also not much in the way of funny happening.  The only thing I liked were the PE coach’s insistence on always referring to PE as “gymnasium class” (with a Southern accent) and Corey Feldman’s “blink and you’ll miss it” cameo.

Don’t waste your time on this one.  There’s way better dark comedies out there.

The First Five – Monster Brawl

Monsterbrawl

Okay, gotta be honest – I really watched the first 40 minutes of this not just five.  BUT I honestly didn’t realize I was still watching it till my friend, The Brad, called and I was like, “Why can’t I hear what you’re saying??  Oh…this stupid thing is still on??”  So that totally counts for a First Five.  Right?  😉

Yeah…so…I’d like to start by saying that a movie that involves monsters and wrestling should be AMAZING.  FUCKING AMAZING.  It’s like having a movie that involves hot girls and jello wrestling – how do you go wrong????  You can’t.  You just can’t go wrong with that.  And yet…*sighs*.  WHAT THE FUCK, Monster Brawl???  WHAT THE FUCK?  How on earth did you ruin a flick so full of potential??  I love monsters.  I used to be really into wrestling.  Kevin Nash is in this movie for pete’s sake and I couldn’t even make it to his part.  Now if Mick Foley had been in this I would’ve stuck it out because my gosh, do I love that man.  I even read Have A Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks.  (I know, I know – how on earth am I still single??  I am SO a kickawesome catch. ;-p) But I digress…

Speaking of Foley's...

Speaking of Foley’s…

Speaking of Foley’s though, Dave Foley is in this movie and from what I saw he spends the entire time with a look upon his face that clearly indicates he has no CLUE how he got in this film.  None at all.  Also his “character” is continuously drinking from a flask…yeah, “character”…*cough cough, wink wink*

 

The oh so amazing "Cyclops" makeup...

The oh so amazing “Cyclops” makeup…

Oh and let’s talk about this guy for a minute, shall we?  Someone be a dear and tell me when exactly Cyclops (Cyclopses…Cyclopi…what’s the plural??) developed laser beam eyeballs that can melt the faces off people.  Because that happened.  TOTES.

monsterbrawl4

Why, yes, that IS her name – “Lady Vampire”.  There’s also another woman called “Witch Bitch”.  Don’t even get me started on this bullshit.

The most boring monster fights you'll ever see...

The most boring monster fights you’ll ever see…

So to sum up – FUCK YOU, Monster Brawl.  You go hide somewhere and hang your head in shame.

P.S.  Next Classic Movie will be The Usual Suspects!

Vicious Lips – The First Five

viciouslips

Well, we’ve got E over at theipc to thank for this entry into The First Five.  😉  I haven’t done one of these in quite awhile and honestly I didn’t mean to do one now but my gods was this atrocious!!  Okay, not entirely E’s fault as he didn’t know – he just wanted me to a guest post over on his site and found this streaming on Netflix and suggested it and since it was already in my queue I ran with it.  Now I feel compelled to warn the world – AVOID.  Just AVOID at ALL costs.  And just forgive any cursing that may happen from this point forward, please? Geez Louise….

WHAT THE FUCK, VICIOUS LIPS??  WHAT THE FUCK??  Okay, gotta be honest here – this is really the first 22 minutes.  That’s the point where I gave in and emailed E and told him what was going on and he started yelling, “Abort! Abort!” and then there was this whole bit of mass confusion and well…yeah…I honestly don’t have a clue what this is supposed to be about other than a rock band in space.  I think.

This was there...

This was there…

Basically all I got from what I watched was this:

  • Dude looks like a lady!
  • Yowza at that guys teeth – somebody should’ve invested in braces when they were a kiddo.
  • It’s like Street Trash meets High School Musical meets The Jetsons.
  • Oh and there’s Judy Jetson?  And she sings like a guy.  Really?  Why is her name now Trudy?
  • What??  Oh wow.  Judy/Trudy has obviously been some sort of mindwashed and The Dream appears to be her trigger word because now there is some crazy punk rock video epicness happening!
  • I don’t even know if this movie is SUPPOSED to make sense.  Why did that guy just lose an eyeball?
  • Geez, if this is what MTV was like, I’m so glad I missed out on it.  This is headache inducing.
  • Wait, now Judy/Trudy can sing?  Like a girl?  And well?
  • Why did we just hear someone’s thoughts?  Is telepathy coming into play?  Or was that just a weird choice in narrative?
  • At this point, I’m just waiting for everyone in this movie to die.  That would make me happy.
  • And now Judy/Trudy has a Southern accent.  Oh for the love of…
  • Eric, I want you to know that you are NEVER picking out another movie for me to watch EVER.  Between this and The Sinful Dwarf, I’m pretty sure you hate me, which is sad-making because I am AWESOME.
  • Oh yes, filming things in neon red light makes it all SO much better.
  • Worst dance party ever.
  • So many montages.  And we’re only 22 minutes in.
  • Yeah, I want to be on drugs right now too, lady.
  • At least that one woman is dressed like a Christmas tree so this film is kind of in the spirit of the season.
  • Did I even mention that there’s spaceships? No?  Yeah, there are.
  • Spaceship crashed.  Unfortunately it looks like everyone’s still alive.

AND…that’s as far as I could go.  Just please, for your own health & safety, avoid whatever the hell this steaming pile of movie is attempting to be.  Seriously.  You’ll thank me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vampire Bats

I so very much wanted to finish up Creature Feature week here on CS with another shark flick but alas, it seems I can only watch “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” on Youtube, in five minute increments, and I have not the time at the moment to do so.   So instead I go with Vampire Bats, starring Lucy Lawless.  First off, let me say that Lucy Lawless is looking pretty damn good.  I almost didn’t recognize her.  Second off, that’s by far the best thing about this flick.

It’s not that there was anything wrong with the movie per se.  You know, animals and people start showing up dead and drained of blood and generally just looking pretty gross.  And Lawless is a college professor who feels a need to investigate this and of course a group of ragtag college kids decides they simply must help her out.  Then there’s her husband who gets cranky with her for investigating the vampire bats because they have two little kids and dammit why can’t she just stay home and be a good mother (or something).  And he has a really annoying sister (Brett Butler) who always watches the kids but cleans the house and rearranges things and organizes (yeah, totally see how that’s annoying).  And…the kids figure out how to get rid of the bats and then there’s a bad guy at the last minute and something about the environment.  The End.

You guys *do* realize I’m, like, totally going to jail if something happens to you out here, right?

And maybe that was the problem for me.  A movie about vampire bats should be FUN, dammit.  And this was not in any way, shape or form, fun for me.  I spent most of the movie wondering if Brett Butler just can’t do any other accent than her Southern one and if not why they cast her in a movie where she’s the only one who sounds Southern because where are they all living then?  Or does she just follow her brother and sister-in-law around when they move?  ‘Cause, yeah, that’s a little creepy and a little annoying, for reals.

So….I dunno.  Watch at your own risk or maybe if you have a penchant for vampire bats or cheesy movies that take themselves really seriously?