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Hansel & Gretel


Fuck yeah, Asylum!!  Hansel & Gretel is, I’m fairly certain, the best freaking movie you guys have ever put out and honestly, I’m so proud, it brought a tear to my eye, no lie.  I mean, sure you guys totally ripped off the Hansel & Gretel phase that was going on just last year (but hey, it’s a fairy tale so any movie version is ripping it off, right?) but this was…this was almost entirely coherent and had a couple of gross out moments that weren’t so fake that I was compelled to laugh.  Plus Dee Wallace was AMAZEBALLS in this.  I would NOT want to meet that woman in the middle of the woods, no way, no how.

No, for realz, we're teenagers.  Totes.

No, for realz, we’re teenagers. Totes.

So above we have Hansel & Gretel, who are like, totally teenagers, y’all.  Gretel works at the local bakery called “The Gingerbread House” (ha! get it??) where Lilith serves up the best meat pies around.  And we all know what happens when meat pies are involved, right, kiddies?  I mean, we all did see Sweeney Todd, yeah?  No?…. Anywho.  H&G’s mom died at some point and Hansel feels really guilty about that (although I couldn’t ever figure out WHY – like maybe there was a car wreck when she was coming to pick him up or something?) but she’s been gone long enough that Gretel mentions not being able to remember her as well as she should.  Well, good old Pops has been seeing this religious chick named Ruby for like a month or something and now they’re getting married.  Hansel, being the whiny little asshat he is, starts yelling and crying and runs off into the woods in anger.  Okay, I totally made that crying part up but still.  Gretel gives chase to try to talk some sense into her idiot twin brother when whoopsie, he steps into a conveniently placed bear trap.  Ouch.

Don't worry, hon. Lilith will fix that nasty little boo boo up right quick.

Don’t worry, hon. Lilith will fix that nasty little boo boo up right quick.

The only place around ends up being Lilith’s from “The Gingerbread House” and Lilith is totes a sweetie so of course she bandages that wound up and feeds Hansel all the pastries in the world and then some “special” candy that she takes for her glaucoma.  *giggles*  Next thing you know, Hansel’s fast asleep and Lilith’s all, “Oh just stay here tonight, kiddies.”  Then she gives Gretel some “magic” tea that knocks Gretel right the hell out.  This is the point where I started to be wary of Lilith’s intentions here, just sayin’.

Lalala, chores instead of leaving the house for the hospital for my brother, tralalala....

Lalala, chores instead of leaving the house for the hospital for my brother, tralalala….

The next morning Gretel wakes up to find her brother gone with an explanation of a neighbor having taken him to the hospital.  Why doesn’t she leave straightaway?  Well, the woods are dangerous, y’all, she might as well wait for that neighbor to come back for her.  In the meantime, might as well help Lilith out with a few chores, right?  Hansel wakes up to an entirely different scenario – one where he’s locked in a dungeon with three other teens who tell him that they’re being fattened up to be cooked later on.  Hansel isn’t the brightest crayola in the box so he kinda just goes, ‘Huh, what?  Oh pastries! Oh wait, don’t eat those!”  And this is about the time we meet these fellows…


Damn right, Mommie Dearest has kids!

Damn right, Mommie Dearest has kids!

Awww, just look at those adorable twinsies.  And after this comes some back story about Lilith losing a daughter and being 800 million years old and then everyone’s running around trying not to get cooked and those big dudes go all Leatherface on people and there’s a cop (and the killer exchange of: Gretel – “You shot the sheriff!!” Lilith – “Oh, I shot the deputy too.” Totes brills) and Pops and Ruby show up and there’s a lot of weird stuff that makes you think Ruby is actually Lilith’s daughter but no, that’s totes trickster and then well, ya know…it’s Hansel & Gretel – we kind of know where this is going.

I WANTED you to be my daughter, you bitch!  We're just alike, you know!

I WANTED you to be my daughter, you bitch! We’re just alike, you know!

Seriously, this is by far, the best Asylum flick I’ve seen.  Dee Wallace is KILLER with her witchy psychotic granny portrayal (and you know, that’s really what makes this movie cause the other actors I could take or leave).  There’s one scene where Hansel starts to eat himself because he is so delicious (insert raunchy jokes here) that was super fun and not as fake as the usual Asylum stuff is and another girl getting sliced and diced with this crazy wires also works out really well.  Of course we have our moments where Ruby is dead but moving, the cops are at the top of the idiot food chain and it’s ridiculous to think Lilith who has been doing this for years now just woke up and thought to herself, “Welll, gosh darnit, I’m gonna have me those twins even if I have to take the whole town down to do it.”  Seriously, WTF, Lilith?  *sighs*

If you love The Asylum, you definitely have to check this one out!