Blog Archives

Death House (2017)

Death_House_Poster

I’m not sure what I just watched but I do know that this movie has, like, almost every horror movie icon ever in it. And really, that’s its only redeeming feature.

During an exclusive tour, a power breakdown inside a secret prison known as the Death House sends two agents fighting through a labyrinth of horrors while being pursued by a ruthless army of roaming inmates. As they fight to escape, the agents push toward the lowest depths of the facility, where they learn a supernatural group of evil beings may be their only chance for survival.

Written by Gunnar Hansen, and apparently based on Dante’s Inferno, Death Houseinvolves a really weird-ass evil prison with 9 levels, immortal super-evil beings, skinless people, a helluva lot of cannibalism, plus Dee Wallace, Kane Hodder, Barbara Crampton, Bill Moseley, Richard Speight Jr., Felissa Rose, Sid Haig, and more. If it wasn’t for the fact that it makes not a lick of sense till you read the Wikipedia explanation of it, it’d actually be pretty awesome.

DeathHouseLeather

Not one of the Five Evils, just evil at its finest.

We start with 2 FBI agents (I think?) visiting the super-secret, evil prison to…uh…well…okay, so the prison uses virtual reality to…uh…help the prisoners re-live their crimes? Not very clear on that part, but they do kidnap homeless people off the streets and dress them up as prisoners’ former victims so they can kill them again. So, anyway, back to the 2 agents. They seem to be there to tour the prison but they also get to do virtual reality simulations in order to slay their demons (as it were). After they’re done fake-killing (I think?) their past, they go throughout the prison and see prisoners being experimented on and the aforementioned homeless people dosed outta their minds so they’re complacent enough to be slaughtered.

But, at the same time, there’s some random guy running around outside eviscerating a guard and planting a device in him. Then while Lloyd Kaufman (bless him) is operating on said guard, the device causes a power outage that shuts down the prison so the prisoners can escape? (Because, obvs, super-secret, evil prisons are really just that simple to take over. Apparently.)

This leads to the agents & Dee Wallace being trapped in an elevator and Dee’s all “We’re dead” and the agents are all “Nah, really?” and then there’s a bunch of skinless people who are also cannibals (this is in addition to the other cannibals elsewhere). The skinless people are apparently very sad (and are super gross).

DeathHouseDee

We’re gonna die, aren’t we?…Nah, it’s totes good.

There’s a group of prisoners headed to the basement to meet the Five Evils – when they became a thing, I have no idea, they were just suddenly there – who are supernatural, super-evil, super-villain baddies? Maybe? I don’t know. I just do not know. And then there’s an Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom moment. And…uh…a whole bunch of people end up dying and the agents aren’t who they think they are and maybe super-evil is released into the world??

DeathHouse5

Meet the Five Evils, the baddest of the baddies

It’s so chaotic. Like, lawless chaotic, not good chaotic. Parts of it were too dark to see (although considering those skinless peeps, that’s maybe a good thing) and the dialogue was all over the place and, just, what the fuck? Y’all, I had to write a paper in college comparing the architecture of a Gothic cathedral to the architecture of Dante’s Inferno and it made hella more sense than this.

This one is okay for the nostalgia factor but, otherwise, I suggest just visiting Hell itself – it’s bound to be more fun.

Advertisements

Zombiegeddon

Oh Troma, how do I love thee?  Let me count the ways…Nobody but you could make a movie as horrific as Zombiegeddon and still leave me dying of laughter.  You truly have the art of bad movie making down to a T.  God bless you, Troma and God bless you, Lloyd Kaufman.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way – any movie that starts out with a fake newscast about how the movie is truly a piece of shit, has got to be worth watching (at least IMHO).  I mean, if they’re willing to tell you up front not to take the time to watch the movie and that people have threatened to kill themselves after watching the movie just to erase the memories – I ask, how can you NOT watch it??  Maybe that’s just me though.  I tend to do the things people warn me against.

Seriously, y’all, you’ve been properly warned.

Alright, now, imagine that you have a video camera and you get all your friends together and say, “Hey!  Let’s improv a whole movie about zombies!”.  Now imagine that your friends are all Paris Hilton.  Welcome to “Zombiegeddon” – the acting skills of Paris Hilton with the homegrown directing, writing and editing skills of Joe Schmo.  (I know, it’s a pretty horrible image, Paris Hilton’s running around and acting all over the place.  I sincerely apologize for putting that in your head).  I think there might have actually been a script for this but there was no need.  None at all.  The entire movie looks entirely improvised, the fight choreography left me on the floor howling with laughter and Lloyd Kaufman?  *sighs*  Once again I say bless you for making an appearance as a janitor with a gimp leg.

But what of plot you say?  Well, there’s not much of one actually, but the basic premise is this:  Satan is making super-zombies and oh, no, what will the world do, won’t somebody do something?? Never fear though because “In every generation, there is a chosen one.  He alone shall stand against the zombies.”  That’s right, guys and gals.  There is a chosen one, a guy with a sacred birthright, who just happens to be a crooked cop.

Yeah, it really just doesn’t get better than this…

 

He Said/She Said: Buttcrack

Check out today’s He Said/She Said!  It’s all about the crack!