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Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft

Most misleading movie poster EVER

Most misleading movie poster EVER

So I once again had time to watch a movie today (and by “had time to watch a movie”, I mean of course that I was doing 12 things at once) and settled on Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft because it looked silly and ridiculous.  It WAS silly and ridiculous but not quite in the way that I thought.  It was more a cross between an after school special and a season one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It really was in no way good nor was it really in any way bad.  I’m not saying run out and watch this thing ASAP but if you happen to have a bored child about whining about nothing to watch, you could show them this as a way to pass the time.

Oddly, this is the only screen shot I can seem to find...

Oddly, this is the only screen shot I can seem to find…

I think my favorite thing about this film is that Eric Roberts and Cherie Currie are in it.  Yes, you did read that correctly – Cherie Currie.  It kind of seems reasonable to me that Eric Roberts would be a in a tween supernatural movie like this but that Cherie Currie thing was a surprise.  And Eric Roberts is FABULOUS.  And by fabulous I mean, he spends the majority of the movie peering around the side of a building, then spends 5 minutes hilariously training this young witch slayer before promptly dying.  I think he had like 10 lines total.  Luckily, this flick doesn’t seem to be taking itself too seriously at all.  The story makes only mild to middling sense but it’s filled with a bunch of pretty 20 year olds passing themselves off as teens at a private high school.  Seriously took me the whole damn movie though to figure out what the hell Hansel & Gretel had to do with any of this.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

  • Of course the saviours will be twins – they must ALWAYS twins.
  • Booboo Stewart – please tell me that’s a stage name.
  • I like how when they left one campus to move to the other one, the campuses look EXACTLY the same.  And they keep using the same wide exterior shot over and over again.
  • I don’t understand why this house has no furniture.  NONE.
  • I’m also not sure about this girl’s outfit but then I suck at matching and stuff so maybe it actually IS a good outfit.
  • I am so tired of seeing this one tree over and over when they shoot outside.
  • I still have no idea how this ties into Hansel & Gretel.  Oh btw, Hansel & Gretel aren’t actually named that.  They’re named Ella and Jonah.
  • Omg, a pentagram just appeared on Gretel’s floor!!  But she didn’t see it!!
  • Oh!!  I think I know who the main Witch Bitch is!!!  I can’t tell you though.  No spoilers here!
  • Hansel’s really hot but he’s kind of a douche to his twin sister.
  • Gretel found a key!  Shit’s about to get real!
  • Yep, totes called it on the main Witch Bitch!!

So to sum up, not wonderful but not bad but definitely for the younger demographic.  Also I realized that until today I had been spelling “Gretel” as “Gretal”….oops…