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13/13/13

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Oh, 13/13/13 (2013) (Dir. Bressack),what were you thinking??  I don’t understand you at all.  Your blurb says this:  “For millenia, calendars have added an extra day every four years.  In doing so, they violated the ancient Mayan calendar.  Now we are in the 13th month of the 13th year of the new millenium, and the few who survive will battle a world of demons.”  Really?  Demons?  Where the hell were these demons?  What your blurb should’ve said was this – “A long and oft times boring trip through a world where people just wake up bonkers one day and start killing each other but of course, there’s at least one lone survivor and a girl who does nothing but carry around an ax and scream.”

I don’t even know where to start with this.  Why did I watch?  Because I watched 11/11/11 and 12/12/12 which I’m not even totally sure have anything to do with this one, mostly because those two were so bad I can’t remember what happened.  But I felt obligated to finish out this trilogy, if indeed that’s what this is.  Why do I do these things to myself?  Not even I know the answer to that one.

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Basically what happens is – we open on a scene of two bloody girls, then switch to some dudes having a guys’ camping trip. One of the dudes – let’s call him James, cause I think that might have actually been his name…maybe… – his watch is set to 13:13 and he thinks the other guys are messing with him.  They insist they aren’t.  They pack up to go home and go to James’ which is where I start getting confused because 1) it seems like he’s divorced from his wife and is going by to either pick up his kid or just say hi to his ex-wife but what ex-wife is cool with her ex-husband bringing along the guys’ and invading her house and eating her food and drinking her beer and stuff?? and 2) one guy seems to have an unhealthy interest in James’ 12 year old daughter – he remarks several times what a sweet little girl she is…creepy!

They get to the house and like I said before just invade the place, chatting in the kitchen and eating food like they live there while the ex-wife does dishes and the little girl plays outside.  Then James realizes he’s trying to talk to his ex and she’s not responding perhaps because he’s all up in this place like it’s still his.  Oh no, wait, she’s pulling a Lady Macbeth and has partially scratched the skin off one arm.  Out, damn spot, indeed!  So James leaves his kid in the hands of his knucklehead friends while he takes the ex to the hospital and they decide to drink beer and watch t.v. or something.  Finally one dude goes outside to check on the kid and this is where you start to see that things are getting a little cray up in here.

Little girl starts saying things like “My dad told me not to talk to you.  He said you like little girls.”  Note this is is the friend who was all “She’s such a sweet little girl” earlier.  Which makes me ask – if this is true, why the hell is James leaving his 12 year old alone with this guy around???  Take the kid to the hospital with you for pete’s sake.  Anyway, little girl and dude get into a bitch slapping contest and then the little girl kicks dude’s ass.  Priceless.

Meanwhile James has landed at the douchiest hospital on the fact of the planet where seriously everyone is an asshole.  He even SAYS that to one lady.  And then things get crazier and everybody is trying to kill everybody and it’s all because it’s leap year but if you were born on leap year then you’re immune and it’s all basically just stupid.  And there are no demons, unless I really really missed something.

This is really something I can NOT recommend unless you’re just like me and try your best to watch all the bad movies out there.  Definitely watch at your own risk!