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Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash

There’s nothing coherent in Bikini Bloodbath Carwash so really there’s nothing coherent in what I am about to say which is again stream of consciousness because really that’s the only way to get through things like this.  Why do I do this to myself?  *shakes head*

  • Naked girls dancing.
  • Directed and written by : Who the Fuck Cares (no really, that’s what it says!)
  • Professor hitting on girls in an odd way.
  • “I love Southern men.  Mmmm, fried chicken!”
  • A group of guys wearing shirts that say “College Student”
  • Why is this professor wearing a weird Popeye hat?
  • Sharon needs serious help with her grades.  Popeye just told her she’s getting fat.
  • What the hell? WHAT THE HELL?? I don’t even know if this is offensive.  Or what level of offensive it is.
  • Well, that was a waste of good coffee.
  • What college has lockers?
  • Apparently this movie will involve spanking…
  • This woman wants to be Janeane Garofalo…
  • Scrub and wax, ladies, scrub and wax…
  • Poor Sharon’s having a rough day.  *shakes head*
  • Lesbian oral sex
  • I’m positive washing cars with body parts is an excellent way to get your car clean.
  • Oh dear god, someone’s about to be served.  This just got EPIC!!
  • Funny, guys break dancing has never turned me on like that.  Apparently something is wrong with me.
  • “Hey sexy lady, you have strong meat fingers.”
  • Oh hell yes, girl gang fight/dance off with knives.  I am in LOVE.
  • This may be the best thing I have ever witnessed in my life.  I am doing this. I am fighting a girl in this style.
  • Well, this seance came on rather quickly. And that is the most ghetto homemade ouija board ever.
  • Wait, some girl killed a chef?  And sodomy upsets Jenny.
  • Killed a monstrous chef with a rake.  And apparently the ouija board just called up his spirit.  Okay, now I’m on top of this.  Kinda.  Sorta.
  • Shower scene, shower scene, shower scene…
  • Back to Popeye the professor.  He’s not in the shower scene just to clarify.  And his name is Professor Shipwreck.  Apparently he teaches physics…with gasoline and basketballs…and discusses how babies are made…
  • Why does everyone hate Sharon??  I’m so tired of them telling her she’s fat because um, no…
  • Ike has a really nice, thick and bushy mustache.
  • “What I don’t get is that Professor Shipwreck was telling me that if I showed him my b’s he’d give me an A….”  “It’s probably the metric system.”  “You are SO smart.”
  • Finally some killing!  And intestine sucking.
  • Pretty sure I would appreciate half the scenes in this movie more if I was a guy or a lesbian.
  • “I want to get a mustache ride.”  HA!
  • Apparently, it’s a common problem for ghosts to take shits in house and not clean them up.
  • “And bring some motherfucking tapioca pudding!”  “That’s weird…but okay!”
  • Axe to the head with neon red blood!  This killer chef should be killing with like cooking instruments.
  • “What have you done with your hair?  It’s so much more pubic than I recall!”
  • “What did you think of that knife fight?”  “I want a monkey!”  “Me too!!”  Hugs.
  • And…I think I just lost my fondness for guys with long hair after this scene….
  • Oh good, killer chef is going to save Peaches from her would be transvestite rapist!  And now he’s using cooking utensils to kill!
  • AHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHH.  Oh god, oh god, oh god, that was horrible.  He just cut off that guy’s nipple and it was horrible and then he stuck it to Peaches head.
  • Camel Toe Liquor.  *sighs*
  • Worst chugger ever.
  • The complete ridiculousness of these caricatures are just insane.  And this is the lamest party ever.  Now, I could tell you some stories about parties…oh could I ever…and if these people don’t stop dancing I just might.
  • Still dancing….so this one time in college there was this party that became known in the epic after tales as Boobie Bungalow…there was a lot of – wait, they finally stopped dancing!  Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
  • I think they’re trying to recreate the final scene of Revenge of the Nerds here and it’s failing epically.
  • What is this weird cup flipping and drinking game?
  • Yay killer chef!!!  Why does he only show up like every 20 minutes.  It feels like hours in between his appearances.  This whole movie feels like it’s been on for 800 years.  Oh dear, it’s only been on 45 minutes.  And since when did this chef apparently try to kill everybody else in the past?  Why is that guy deep throating his beer bottle?
  • I will never get in a hot tub again.
  • Um..football players have shower buddies?
  • Sometimes even I question why I watch these things.  I think I need a beer.
  • Did he just give his football player friend a bj in the hot tub?  And then says he’s been going to the bathroom in the hot tub the whole time?  Oh, it’s because he misses his mom.  Of course.
  • Killer chef!!  Drowning in hot tub!  And chopping onions?
  • I don’t think anyone in this movie likes anyone else in this movie.  There is a LOT of  physical violence happening and not by killer chef.
  • Tricycles of the apocalypse…I need to use that phrase in conversation more often.
  • Do we really need to see the pee going into the toilet?  Oh hey, Killer Chef!!  He totally just sullied that cute shirt that said Hooker.
  • I don’t…what?  What? I can’t even follow…I just…I have no words…I…
  • 12 minutes left.  Just 12 more minutes.
  • I always want waffles after I discover dead friends too.  It’s only natural.
  • We need weapons…but not the police.  Because calling the police would just be silly.  Instead we’ll fight the killer chef off with balloons and baseball bats.
  • Professor Shipwreck gets hit in the balls a lot.
  • This reminds me of Broken Lizard’s Club Dread except for the fact that THAT was a good movie.
  • Ooohhhh, I think killer chef’s power lays in his hat!
  • Hahahaha, that totally made me laugh!  Someone is using the power of “hiding under the blanket makes you invisible to monsters” method.
  • TONG FIGHT!!
  • Well, good for fat Sharon.  She went to get waffles so I bet she’ll live.
  • Everybody in this film is wearing pink.  I think I want to wear pink more often.
  • Killer Chef has lost his head!
  • And now the last two standing are going to join Sharon for waffles.

Well, that was certainly on helluva ride, boys and girls.  Far from being the worst thing I’ve ever seen, I’m certainly not better off having seen it.  But on the plus side I picked up some knife fighting/dance techniques and I don’t feel a need to take a shower so all in all, a ridiculously stupid time!