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Volumes of Blood
Are we all getting a little tired of anthologies by now? ABC’s of Death and V/H/S’s all over the place? Yeah? Well, screw them, watch this and have your faith in the anthology genre restored. Volumes of Blood doesn’t just wipe the floor with those two, it wipes the floor with blood (and brains…and guts…and stuff…) and remains wickedly funny throughout.
Volumes of Blood is a super indie collaborative effort out of Kentucky that involved almost 150 people (I believe – correct me if I’m wrong, P.j.!), which is pretty amazing in and of itself. MY last indie project, I was acting, co-directing, holding a boom AND getting coffee, lol. Ah….movie making….I can’t remember the last time I saw an indie look this good though, particularly a lo-budget one. “Misty! Stop talking about behind the scene crap and tell us what happens ON screen!” Yeah, yeah, I hear you…
One badass mofo
Urban legends is what we have here, guys and gals. But not those silly old boring urban legends we’ve all heard a MILLION times before (no Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary here!). No, we get new urban legends, entirely made up as the film progresses. I have to admit to being a sucker for urban legends because really they’re nothing more than modern fairy tales and my fascination & study of fairy tales is a lifelong thing (that I’m going to refrain from babbling on about – see I can be good). And the legends here have some unique modern spins indeed. From demonic energy drinks to learning lessons about playing pranks to satanic encyclopedias (c’mon, this NEVER ends well!) to ghostly visitors who like to tease…you’ll have a blast from beginning to end.
What’s more is that all the effects are PRACTICAL effects which absolutely makes me shiver with delight. It’s that absolutely brilliant old-school style with just a hint of a lovely Troma-esque influence….*sighs*…..Especially the end….oh the end…There should have been more blood and gore. Yeah. Maybe that’s my one complaint. MORE of this, please!! So those of you who are into that too will def get a kick out of this one.
Blood, blood, blood, yay!
There’s also some really good acting going on here. Not gonna lie – sometimes grabbing your friends up to make a movie means not so wonderful acting. Just the truth. But here? Nah. These guys are GOOD. There were a couple of people who only had a line here or there that were a little stiff but all the characters that were essential held my attention and sold it. TOTES. This is even better when you know that a good portion of things were improv.
And ya know what? If I STILL haven’t managed to convince you, I’ll just let my favorite line of the movie do it.
“Learn how to die or start making Christian films!”
P.S. Check ’em out on Facebook!
Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!
Mutant Zombie Vampires from the Hood
Me to Roomie #1: Hey, mind if I watch a movie in here?
Roomie #1: Sure, go ahead.
10 minutes later
Roomie #1: What exactly are we watching again??
Me: Mutant Zombie Vampires from the Hood!
15 minutes later
Roomie #1: Why is Mr. Miyagi in this??
15 minutes later
Roomie #2 enters the house, home from work: Hey, what’re you watching?
10 minutes later
Roomie #2 spits out beer he’s laughing so hard.
End of the movie
Roomie #3 is home now. Roomie #2 to Roomie #3: Dude, you only saw the last 15 minutes!! This movie is epic!! We have to start it over from the beginning!!!
What’s the one thing that can bring cops and gangs together? Mutant Vampire Zombies from the hood, y’all.
Yeah, it’s that awesome. So here’s the lowdown.
Cop (C. Thomas Howell, hell yeah) and Cop #2 enter a warehouse where a black gang and an Asian gang are about to have a full out war over drugs. Asian gang kidnapped the token girl of the black gang and are trading her back to the black gang for drugs except whoops, the black gang brought sugar instead of coke . Just as the bullets start to fly, what should appear but a……SOLAR FLARE! Everyone, I repeat, everyone in the warehouse is knocked out by the solar flare and when they awaken things aren’t quite what they were before.
Our gang(s) emerge into a newly transformed world (oh the power of solar flares!) to find vampire(?) zombie(?) mutants. Things start to quickly go downhill. First Cop #2 gets eaten, then a gang member gets killed. One gang member keeps running around yelling about Nosferatu to anyone who will listen. After about 20 minutes, they realize it’s not vampires though, it’s zombies. The gangs join together to fight their way through the monstrous horde of zombies (who for the record aren’t just chomping down on people but are also screwing each other and raping live people). They also meet up with the aforementioned Mr. Miyagi who is quite possibly this movie’s BEST character. He drinks constantly, he shoots, he dispenses advice in the form of one liners…..*sighs*….he’s so groovy. Next the gang runs into a polite, yet heavily armed group of people who capture them who are (get this) VAMPIRES!! Totes! There’s more eating of a “oh dear god, they really went there, why are these damn vampire zombies so horny?” kind and then finally our heroes end up at the house of one super smart dude with one super smart daughter (a doctor) who think they might be able to find a cure. But do they????
A few of my favorite things:
“I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ zombies in my motherfuckin’ hood!” Thank you SLJ wannabe, thank you.
Super smart dude and super smart daughter are creepily close, like, she’s sitting in his lap at the age of 25’ish, close…..
Epic sex scene (living people not zombie/vampire/mutants) where super smart daughter wears a doctor coat (FOR THIS SCENE ONLY!! Immediately after when she is back to her doctoring duties, the white coat is GONE, people) and fabulous porno music plays in the background.
Super smart daughter is apparently aroused by zombie violence.
Dance of the Dead
Okay, I have to admit some bias with this review. Dance of the Dead (Ghost House Underground)
The plot is simple. A high school prom goes horribly wrong when the dead start rising due to toxic waste from the nearby nuclear power plant. The end result is funny and gory, one of my favorite combinations. The central cast of characters is a group of teens who for various reason are either not going to prom or just haven’t arrived yet. They band together when the zombies start attacking and are pretty much the breakfast club of zombie fighters.
Now everything you see here came from Craigslist, you can get anything there.
You’ve got the cheerleader, the sci-fi group, the wild redneck rebel, the vice-president of the class, a group of rockers and the pizza delivery guy. Add in a half-crazed coach who’s ex-military and you’ve got a recipe for laughter. Together they manage to make their way to the school in hopes of saving their classmates – but do they make it in time????
Hilarious highlights include:
Said half-crazed ex-military coach gets explosives off of Craigslist just in case of emergencies.
Said rockers aren’t even aware of the zombie attacks for the first quarter of the film or more because they’re so stoned.
These zombies LOVE music. It’s the only thing that stops them dead in their tracks.
Now do yourself a favor and go watch “Dance of the Dead”!
Cinema Schminema 