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Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell

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Let me preface this by saying that the only reason I watched this (the ONLY reason) was because of the title. 😂 I haven’t watched a Tremors movie since I saw the original with my parents way the hell back in 1990 (my mother loving Reba McEntire was the only reason we watched THAT one). I hated the original – the worms totally freaked me out as a kid, lol – but this title was just too great to resist. And, oh, it did not disappoint. So much badness, so much hilarity. *sighs*

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Ass blaster!!!

There was so much going on – and having missed the majority of the series, so much I was confused about – that I took notes. Enjoy the stream of consciousness that is Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell.

  • Oh, hey, Michael Gross! Watcha yelling at that IRS guy for? Oh, you are going to lose your country store for some reason. No worries, I’m sure that won’t be an issue in 10 minutes or so.
  • Well, hello there, Jamie Kennedy! Where the hell have you been?
  • Yikes. Worm thingies in the Arctic.
  • Wait? Flying tremors thingies?? Called “ass blasters” -WTF?
  • Pretty sure I would’ve had a reaction to going down in a plane with an alcoholic pilot, but sure, okay. Not an issue for Gross or Kennedy. They’re hardcore.
  • “Arctic heatwave” – seems to be an oxymoron…
  • Calls meeting an ass blaster whilst in the plane “a dogfight” when really they just let the thing run into them, lmao. Nice save. 
  • DARPA has trained dolphins to carry bombs & has created cyborg insects?? Jfc.
  • Ass blasters breathe fire?? Why are there dragons? (Are these things SERIOUSLY called “ass blasters”??)
  • Awwww, look at Jamie Kennedy macking on the Elizabeth Olson lookalike
  • “trying to get sweet with me” are words I have never said nor will I ever say.
  • “I have balls of steel. My balls are stainless steel. My balls are in the Guinness book of balls.”
  • The ass blasters have sonic voices now too? The fuck happened to this series, lololol?
  • Dude, they explode into fire when they die. Pretty. And kickass.
  • And their sonic voice thing lasts after they die and causes visions? So confused.
  • Gross has a tapeworm that’s causing the sonic voice headache/visions?
  • Every woman working in the field of science/geology/wtf-scienceology is really pretty, but all the men in these fields are very much NOT.
  • Aw, they did a JAWS tribute! Graboid in the water!
  • Wait, he ALSO has a parasitic organism on top of the tapeworm they removed? And he’s infected with a toxin from a graboid? 
  • Graboid PTSD sucks
  • Have to extract antibodies from a live graboid to save Gross. Because, of course.
  • These people are so dumb. They’re not even carrying swords or knives to cut off the graboid tentacle thingies. Just guns. They could’ve saved that girl if they’d just had a freaking sword, for fucks’ sake. Or an ax. A sharp object is my point.
  • Obviously, this truck will outrun the graboid/ass blasters!
  • Did they just leave that guy out there on the water tower thingie by himself? Nice.
  • Time to go on a worm hunt!
  • Oh good, the guy they ditched on the tower is still alive. You go, guy!
  • No, I’d rather die than go pantsless because I’m not wearing underwear!
  • How is a guy pissing such a huge distraction for the worms?
  • Wait, Gross is Kennedy’s father?? When did this happen?
  • He named the worm “sally soul-smasher” after his ex. *giggles*
  • Who’s gonna pay for all this damage?
  • Oh, they’re making bombs now! Okay.
  • Guys, now is not the time for family drama…
  • Uh-oh, looks like tower guy is gonna get eaten.
  • Ew, graboid goo.
  • What does DARPA have to do with the IRS?
  • How dare you try to save my life, you bastard!!
  • So lost on what their great plan is.
  • Huh, okay. I guess that plan to catch it didn’t suck.
  • Thank fucking god someone used a freaking sharp object.
  • Could’ve lived without old man butt…
  • Aw, all that work to save that old cranky jerkface and he’s gonna die anyway?
  • Wait, no, now he’s living? 
  • “How do you not die? You never die!”
  • EW. Why are you kissing the guy covered in graboid goo? Save it for when he’s clean!
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Name a more iconic father/son duo. Go on, I’ll wait.

And there you have the gist of TREMORS: A COLD DAY IN HELL, a delightfully terrible film about giant worm thingies that not only jump out of the ground but now also apparently fly and spit fire (because, of course, they do). There’s family drama and stupid situations and idiot people doing idiot things – pretty funny stuff! No clue how this one holds up to the rest of the TREMORS series, so feel free to fill me in, because I’m honestly kind of curious. Now excuse me while I go watch something good. 😉

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Shark Night

We continue “Creature Feature” week here on Cinema Schminema with the “far-superior to 2-Headed Shark Attack but still not wonderful” Shark Night.  Shakespeare it’s not but “Shark Night” fares better in my book by merely having a plot and no 20 minute shots of girls in bikinis (although never fear, there are the requisite girls in bikinis for viewing pleasure but they’re pleasantly interspersed throughout).

A gang of college pals decides to head up to their friend’s lake house for some much needed fun in the sun.  Sara, the girl whose parents own the lake house, is quiet and reserved and Nick has a wicked crush on her.  The rest of the group consists of an almost unrecognizable Katherine McPhee (at least for me.  After “Smash”, I had to double check online to make sure this was actually her because her character of Karen on the hit or maybe not a hit musical t.v. show is such a sweet little wimp most of the time that her character here was a breath of fresh air.  Anyone else watch “Smash”?  Just me?  Oh wait, I’m completely off topic…..)…..um yeah, so McPhee, token black guy, token girl of mixed ethnicity and two other dudes.  Of course, as soon as they reach the island they hit trouble in the form of Sara’s ex-boyfriend and his best friend, the token redneck.  Seems island folk don’t take too kindly to edumacated college folk, ya’ll.  Finally, they reach the lake house and the festivities begin with a little water skiing….and then almost immediately there’s a shark attack.  I like the “not too much exposition, let’s get straight to the blood” attitude they took here.  Of course, the first victim is token black guy and he gets his arm ripped off.  He’s still alive and of course Nick is pre-med so they’re able to at least temporarily staunch the blood flow giving him extra screen time.

You took my arm, now I take your life. Revenge is sweet, motherfucker.

What follows is a lot of “Omg, there’s a shark!”  “We’re on a lake!  How could there be a shark??”  “We can’t leave the island because of the shark!!”  “Our cell phones don’t work and we have no way of calling for help!” and shark attack and so on and so forth until….THE BIG TWIST.  It’s huge and it’s epic and it’s sooooooo ridiculous that I almost cried from laughing so hard (here’s a hint – someone’s been watching WAYYY too much t.v.).

Couple of questions – how common is this having a lakehouse on an island and not having any means of communication thing?  Seriously, no radio or anything?  Are lakehouses magically protected from harm most of the time?  And if you knew there was a shark in the water WHY WOULD YOU REPEATEDLY GO IN SAID WATER???  There’s a reason I don’t go in oceans or lakes and that’s because I KNOW something will eat me.  I do not chance fate like that.  Crazy college kids.

Not bad for a shark movie by any means so if you’re itching for some bloody action, give it a whirl.