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Death House (2017)

Death_House_Poster

I’m not sure what I just watched but I do know that this movie has, like, almost every horror movie icon ever in it. And really, that’s its only redeeming feature.

During an exclusive tour, a power breakdown inside a secret prison known as the Death House sends two agents fighting through a labyrinth of horrors while being pursued by a ruthless army of roaming inmates. As they fight to escape, the agents push toward the lowest depths of the facility, where they learn a supernatural group of evil beings may be their only chance for survival.

Written by Gunnar Hansen, and apparently based on Dante’s Inferno, Death Houseinvolves a really weird-ass evil prison with 9 levels, immortal super-evil beings, skinless people, a helluva lot of cannibalism, plus Dee Wallace, Kane Hodder, Barbara Crampton, Bill Moseley, Richard Speight Jr., Felissa Rose, Sid Haig, and more. If it wasn’t for the fact that it makes not a lick of sense till you read the Wikipedia explanation of it, it’d actually be pretty awesome.

DeathHouseLeather

Not one of the Five Evils, just evil at its finest.

We start with 2 FBI agents (I think?) visiting the super-secret, evil prison to…uh…well…okay, so the prison uses virtual reality to…uh…help the prisoners re-live their crimes? Not very clear on that part, but they do kidnap homeless people off the streets and dress them up as prisoners’ former victims so they can kill them again. So, anyway, back to the 2 agents. They seem to be there to tour the prison but they also get to do virtual reality simulations in order to slay their demons (as it were). After they’re done fake-killing (I think?) their past, they go throughout the prison and see prisoners being experimented on and the aforementioned homeless people dosed outta their minds so they’re complacent enough to be slaughtered.

But, at the same time, there’s some random guy running around outside eviscerating a guard and planting a device in him. Then while Lloyd Kaufman (bless him) is operating on said guard, the device causes a power outage that shuts down the prison so the prisoners can escape? (Because, obvs, super-secret, evil prisons are really just that simple to take over. Apparently.)

This leads to the agents & Dee Wallace being trapped in an elevator and Dee’s all “We’re dead” and the agents are all “Nah, really?” and then there’s a bunch of skinless people who are also cannibals (this is in addition to the other cannibals elsewhere). The skinless people are apparently very sad (and are super gross).

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We’re gonna die, aren’t we?…Nah, it’s totes good.

There’s a group of prisoners headed to the basement to meet the Five Evils – when they became a thing, I have no idea, they were just suddenly there – who are supernatural, super-evil, super-villain baddies? Maybe? I don’t know. I just do not know. And then there’s an Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom moment. And…uh…a whole bunch of people end up dying and the agents aren’t who they think they are and maybe super-evil is released into the world??

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Meet the Five Evils, the baddest of the baddies

It’s so chaotic. Like, lawless chaotic, not good chaotic. Parts of it were too dark to see (although considering those skinless peeps, that’s maybe a good thing) and the dialogue was all over the place and, just, what the fuck? Y’all, I had to write a paper in college comparing the architecture of a Gothic cathedral to the architecture of Dante’s Inferno and it made hella more sense than this.

This one is okay for the nostalgia factor but, otherwise, I suggest just visiting Hell itself – it’s bound to be more fun.

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Cannibal! The Musical

Fan of South Park?  Fan of Troma?  Then boy, have I got just the thing for you! Cannibal the Musical was created in 1993 by a guy you might’ve heard of, Trey Parker, and produced by his friend Matt Stone and released by Troma, god bless them, in 1996.  The combination of Parker, Stone and Kaufman in one movie was almost too much for this girl to handle…

Originally created as a three minute trailer for a student film class, there was such notice taken that Parker and Stone raised 125k to film this masterpiece.  So sit back and enjoy the story of Alfred Packer who is leading a group of men into Colorado territory to find gold.

Right, guys! It’s time to sing!

This is the story of how Packer and his group battle their way across the snow drenched mountains into Colorado…how they run across an evil trio of trappers who cause them a whole mess a trouble, from stealing Packer’s horse to singing off key about the life of a trapper…this is a story of what happens when this group runs out of food and must resort to cannibalism.

This movie has a little bit of everything – violence, musical numbers,  Japanese speaking Native Americans and in the background of one scene, if you listen closely, you’ll hear Cartman singing a little ditty.  Pure awesomeness.  True, the majority of the acting here isn’t going to win any awards (except maybe a Razzie) and the Wild West and cannibalism might not be your thing (although the cannibalism really is quite light) but this movie is just too fun to not watch.  Plus it’s all done with a song and a dance making this my second favorite Troma film after “Tromeo & Juliet”.

Shpadoinkle!

 

Die You Zombie Bastards!

 

Die You Zombie Bastards is quite possibly the best movie ever made.  No, really!…Well, okay, not really but it’s the best “worst movie that took 5 years to make” ever made.  As far as cult flicks go, this one is aces.  It pretty much has it all and then more.  In fact, the last scene consists of random people and things just popping up out of nowhere: disobedient dogmen, giant robots, a superhero’s sidekick, giant bugs and possibly even a gorilla!  WOW.

This is in it…

And actually:

ALL of THIS is in it!

So what’s the plot?  (Seriously, after those screenshots do you really care??)  A lovable serial killer’s wife gets kidnapped by a guy named Nefarious who is intent on turning the world into zombies.  He’s already kidnapped a set of triplets and turned them into zombie sex slaves (see Image 1) and he’s decided that Violet (the wife) will be his.  Muhahahahhaaaaa!!!!  So the serial killers sets off on a quest to save Violet…a quest that involves a game of Operation, a puff of blue smoke, a cheese monster and a suit of skin. Not following?  Don’t worry, it’s not really important.

OH WAIT!!!!  Did I mention that rockabilly legend Hasil Adkins is in this???  Never heard of him?  Neither had I!  But he rocks, I can tell you that much.    I highly recommend you check his Wiki page to learn more (he has a whole album dedicated to chickens!!!)