Blog Archives

Sand Sharks

A couple of quickies before we start our feature presentation –

Did you all listen to the last Lambcast the other day?  If not, you might hear someone you know on it…Plus you get to hear the final nominees for the LAMMY’S!

Secondly, just came across this Indiegogo for a really cool looking horror film called Truth or Dare starring Scream Queen Jessica Cameron (AND it’s also her directorial debut).  Looks like it might be something a lot of you guys would dig so maybe check it out and support some indie horror! 🙂

And now for the main event…..

sandsharks1

So yeah. Sand Sharks.  Let’s just jump right on into this bad boy…

  • Are you allowed to ride dirt bikes on the beach?
  •     Um…I don’t think sharks do that…or look like that…
  •     Oh man, is this the Jersey shore because that is one serious guido.  Or porn star.  Kind of hard to tell.
  •     Apparently you can NOT ride your dirt bike on the beach or so says the sheriff 500 TIMES.
  •     Obviously a coyote ripped the biker’s head off.  Totes.
  •     This guido/porn star makes me want to go take a shower.
  •     Brooke Hogan!!  Why does she have an acting career and I don’t?? 😦
  •     Why is Brooke Hogan always in shark movies?
  •     Ohhhhhhh, this guy buried in the sand up to his head is not going to last long I think.  Also he’s a whiny little bitch.
  •    Being buried in the sand is the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened to him – whiny boy has had one boring life apparently.
  •     “Ow. Ow.” so that’s how you react when a sand shark starts to eat you.
  •     I LOVE THIS INTERN.  She just said “hella”.  Any second she’s gonna break out the “TOTES”!!
  •     Please tell me that deputy is NOT Jewel Staite.
  •     “You expect thousands of college students to sleep in tents?”  Has this woman ever MET a college student?
  •     Okay, so the last time guido/porn star threw a party 15 people died.  Obviously he should NOT be throwing another party…
  •     Also the sand shark has finally been sighted by people!  I mean, other than the people that have been eaten.
  •     Did I mention that guido/porn star is throwing a “rager” called “Sand Man”?  That’s the opposing story line here.
  •     I think this movie is stealing from “Jaws”…
  •     I…what?  There’s a crusty old fisherman who’s stepping up to catch the sand shark…and he talks like Popeye….
  •     Um, sheriff?  Brooke Hogan is like half your age if not more so.  Stop hitting on her now.  You’re being totes creepster.
  •     Looks like crusty old fisherman wasn’t really up to the task of catching the sand shark – the sand shark that attacked in WATER.
  •    Guido/porn star just referred to himself as “Big Daddy” – that is how I shall refer to him from now on too.
  •     Big Daddy is ignoring all warnings of sand sharks (of course) so I imagine more than 15 people are going to die this time.
  •    OH snap.  Not just a sand shark but a dino tiger sand shark!
  •     The sand dino tiger shark just ate the power cord that was laying on the beach – the gigantic power cord that seems to control the power to the whole town.
  •     Now it’s night…now it’s day…now it’s night…who needs continuity?
  •    So much melodrama for a movie of this nature!
  •    Brooke Hogan is trapped by the sand shark!!  Creepster sheriff is going to try to save her!
  •    Wow, that was anticlimatic.  Sand sharks are slow.
  •     There are so many idiots in this movie.  I’ve lost count.
  •     Okay, that was by far the funniest moment from Big Daddy and it was after his dad got eaten.
  •    WHOA!!  Sand shark just got all blown up with electricity and now the entire world is without power!
  •     Big Daddy is obviously bi-polar.  One second he’s crying, the next he’s ranting, then he’s manic – it’s like me on a bad day.
  •     I never understood the appeal of spring break.  Does that make me weird?
  •     Ew, she just licked his face – out of nowhere.  That was gross.
  •     Hahahahaaaaa!!!!!!  Way to make fun of yourself, movie!
  •    “Are you serious right now??”  “As a heart attack…or shark attack…”
  •    Oooohhhh, intern, I liked you before but I like you even better now for knocking that guy out to get ahead.
  •   And literally throwing that dude to the shark?  Bitch, you rule.
  •    Are you freaking kidding me, there’s 30 minutes of this movie left??
  •     One for my homies, one for me.  These people know how to party.
  •     BAD BAD tan, orange girl.  BAD.
  •     Never show your boobs to a shark made of sand because then a sand shark will eat you.  Just ponder that for a moment.
  •    Nobody knows how to run in this movie.  Why??
  •    Now there’s like 800 million sand sharks!!
  •    I don’t think guns work on sand sharks.
  •     I really just like saying sand sharks again and again.
  •     Holy FUCK they just killed off someone that I wasn’t expecting!!  I can’t believe the movie got me!
  •     Also intestines cannot really go back in the body once they’re out.
  •     Being stoned during a sand shark attack is not helpful to anyone.
  •    Grizzly fisherman is back!  I totes thought he was dead!
  •     So those 30 extras represented thousands of teenagers?
  •     WHAT???  Okay, the plan is to lure the sand sharks up the beach, then melt the sand with electricity.  What could possibly go wrong?
  •     Seriously, this movie just keeps getting funnier and funnier.  They’re playing Sousa to lure the sharks to the beach so they can electrify/melt them.  (At least I think it’s Sousa).
  •    So electricity means a flame thrower…gotcha…
  •     WTF???  *giggles*
  •    I really think she actually just said “Eat this, you sand of a bitch.”
  •     Oh thank goodness, it’s over.  Where is that whiskey I bought earlier??
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2-Headed Shark Attack

Let me preface this by saying I really really like The Asylum.  They’re the guys that put out tons of movies (most of which are knock offs of movies in the theatre – “Transmorphers” anyone?).  But 2-Headed Shark Attack was 2 ridiculous for even me.  And that’s saying something.

The film stars Brooke Hogan, Charlie O’Connell and Carmen Electra as part of a crew of college students who are spending a semester at sea (well, O’Connell and Electra are part of the crew, Hogan is a college student aboard).  Early in the movie, a shark (not a 2-headed one, a regular one) gets caught up in their propeller and they decide to go to a nearby atoll to see if there’s any materials they can use for repair.  Of course then the 2-headed shark pops up eating people left and right and to top it off, the atoll is sinking into the sea (as in it’s crumbling to pieces).  Things look bleak for our hapless heroes!

Thoughts:

Look, I know it’s Carmen Electra and she looks good in a bikini and all but this ISN’T Carmen Electra of the 90s.  There is NO need to spend 20 minutes of the movie filming her sunbathing in a bikini.

Look at me! I’m Carmen Electra in a bikini!

I wonder if Charlie and his brother Jerry talk about acting a lot.  Charlie – “Dude, I just booked this role in “2-Headed Shark Attack” with Carmen Electra!  It’s gonna be kickawesome!”  Jerry – “Awesome, bro!  When I’ve finished up my stint on Broadway working with Alan Rickman, I’ll totally come visit you on set!”  Yeah……

Brooke Hogan wasn’t great but she wasn’t horrible.  I only cringed like 50% of the time and I really expected it to be worse.

2-headed shark attacks should be wicked awesome and gory.  Here, they are not.  😦

I absolutely understand the point of saving money but when you use the *exact* same clip of Carmen Electra screaming, “Get out of the water!  Get out of the g–damned water!” twice in a row in such an obvious way, I find it entirely sad-making.  And then I laugh you.

I highly recommend skipping this one.  There is absolutely nothing here worth viewing.