If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – unless you want to be brutally murdered or horribly violated, don’t go summoning demons, y’all. Unfortunately, the peeps in Soul to Keep did NOT heed this advice so sucks to be them. Well, until it doesn’t so much?

Two siblings invite friends to their inherited, remote country home, but the fun stops when the group summons a demonic force from an old spellbook.

Let’s summon demons, they said. It’ll be fun, they said.

A complete list of my thoughts throughout this movie:

• Oi, why is this opening sequence with demonic photos so freaking long. Like, I GET it – demons.
• I really like the fact there’s a deaf character and everyone uses sign. New element to a tale as old as time.
• Of course one guy is a vlogger. What would demonic summoning be without video evidence?
• Pop-Pop kept his basement locked always – nothing suspicious there.
• Is Thumper a real game?
• Oh snap, child giggling. Yes, let’s follow the sound of random little girl giggling. I’m sure that will end well for you.
• Wait, it was a vision?
• Blah, blah, drinking, drugs, dancing, sex, blah.
• I can’t keep track of the relationships here. Dark Wiccan is dating Steroid Addict Baseball Player but likes Mousy Girl? And I think there’s a brother/sister somewhere?
• Creepy shadows, non-existent little girl praying, and Mousy Girl doing the Dean Winchester-patented “one tear” thing because…?

I shall stand here and shed a tear.

• Oops, power’s gone out.
• Yay, let’s go to the scary basement in the dark!
• Ooohhh, secret room in the basement with blood and demon summoning stuffs. Oh, Pop-Pop. Whatever were you up to down here?
• Dark Wiccan girl: Dude, look a grimoire to summon Beelzebub AND a way to summon his legions! This is, like, super bad. Everybody else: We should totes do it!
• Somebody has to be the vessel for the demon to possess. Sounds reasonable. I bet it’s super safe.
• So, they just half-assed the spell and everybody quit, but it seems Dark Wiccan girl is gonna do it all on her own. If she’s possessed, who’s going to do the reversal spell?? Does anyone else even speak Latin and/or the made-up language of Beezie?
• Hey, demon! Bye, Dark Wiccan girl!

Move along, nothing to see here!

• Why has no one noticed Dark Wiccan turning in circles for the past 5 minutes looking like she’s about to scream? Like, how wasted are they?
• Aw, demon has the munchies. That’s cute. Pouring pancake syrup directly into one’s mouth is just gross though.
• Is Beezie just gonna seduce everyone to death?
• Breathplay apparently makes Freddy the vlogger go off in two seconds.
• Arrggh, finally, some real demon action. Beezie just needed to get off too and since the boys are two-pump chumps, masturbation it was.
• There’s a whole thing with a balloon being able to help Tara, the deaf girl, feel the vibrations of the music – it seems it enables her to “hear” the demon shoving a tentacle (???) down Freddy’s throat too.
• Freddy’s not dead, that’s nice. Just possessed.
• Why does no one ever summon demons sober? Like, these guys are way too fucking wasted to deal with this shit.
• Jesus, demons are horny bastards. Beezie is a prince of hell not a bloody succubus, you guys!
• Demons were too busy fucking to kill anyone last night, so now the un-possessed peeps get to deal with this hungover instead of wasted. I guess that’s an improvement…
• Aw, barely mentioned chick got tentacled whilst meditating.

Freddy’s just hangin’ round.

• Fina-fucking-ly, Beezie is getting started. She just bit baseball player’s ear off.
• Dark Wiccan girl’s boyfriend is a fucking tool, man.
• Oopsie, exorcism didn’t work.
• Wait, why can demons not open locked doors? What kind of nonsense is that?
• So, not only do the cars not work, but there’s an invisible barrier around the whole land the home’s on.
• Demon astral projection. Sweet.
• Yay, douche-boy has been tentacled.
• Oh, yeah. Preparing for war – rifles & sleeping potions cooked up by DJ the druggie. I’m positive this will be highly successful.
• Deaf Girl’s boyfriend is Mousy Girl’s brother and he’s decided it’s a grand idea to go face Beezie in the basement alone. Obvs, he got tentacled within a whole 3 seconds.
• The sister, Mousy Girl, has been behind it the whole time? When did she make a deal?? Oohhhh, she killed Pop-Pop all those years ago?? Because she wanted Dark Wiccan girl? Wow, sis is sneaky.
• That’s right! There WAS a random mention of sis getting locked in the basement once when she was a kid. So, she got possessed by Beezie then? Partially possessed? And Beezie made her fall in love with Dark Wiccan girl b/c Beezie loved Dark Wiccan girl? (Apparently, Mousy & DW have been friends for life.) This is so confusing.
• Seriously, guys, this is why it’s a bad idea to make deals with demons. You just can’t trust the bastards.
• Oh no! Big bad demon found me in the barn, guess I’ll run to the basement of the barn to hide then. They’ll never find me there!
• Oh dear, sis just got killed via fingers in the eyes.
• Go Deaf Girl with the photographic memory!

I remember everything I read, which is gonna save your asses later.

• Wait, is everybody actually alive then? Sweet.
• Uh-oh. Looks like Dark Wiccan girl might still be just a tad possessed. I bet it’ll all be okay though. Totes.

In summary and conclusion, this isn’t the worst “20-somethings summon demons in cabin for fun – click here to find out more!” movie in the world. The addition of sign language to the movie and a character who can’t bloody hear when demons attack was highly enjoyable (her being the Final Girl was great, too). The twist at the end with the “extra backstory now available!” was interesting, if kind of ultimately confusing. And though the entire movie hinted at Mousy Girl being shady, I didn’t realize she’d been having a decades long affair with a Prince of Hell to win the hand of her childhood friend or what the fuck ever. So, yeah. If demon summoning is your thing, totes worth a watch!