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Antfarm Dickhole Redux

When last we left our hapless…um…heroes, there was a whole lot of nothing going on – nothing that included masturbation, ants, and masturbation.  So let’s pick up where we left off.  Ready, y’all?

  • Weird cupcake guy is hitting on the girl sunbathing in the woods.  Because that makes sense, sunbathing in the woods…
  • “Um…I don’t exactly know my lines…so I will stammer my way through this scientific explanation of how ants are living legos…”
  • Now they’re just seeing how many times they can use “ant” in a phrase in one sentence.  *sighs*
  • Did I miss something?  Suddenly several people have been killed by the ants.  When did that happen?
  • Yay!  A detective!  Detectives always equal good fun!
  • “The word ‘dick’ was spraypainted on your car.  I suspect whoever did it knew you.”  HA!
  • This guy has to be so incredibly stoned.  Only stoned people talk like this – completely circular.
  • Um..fake toy ant coming out of a fake cock…I agree dude, “Why god, why??”
  • “If I can’t have a girlfriend, none of you can either!”  This movie was written by stoned 12 year olds, no doubt.
  • I don’t even know how to describe what’s happening now, I really don’t.  I just…what?  Sex with (WITH not IN) a car, bloody vayjayjay and apparently you can lock people into their cars these days by propping a stick up outside the door.  WHY AM I WATCHING THIS????
  • Not a single woman in this movie wears clothes.  They only wear bikinis.  With sneakers.  I really really dislike this movie.
  • This girl is wearing clothes!!!  Actual clothing!!!
  • Brain water, y’all, brain water.
  • Yeah, I always shower in my underwear too.
  • I am SO going to laugh when masturbating guy falls through that glass table.  Oh wait, he’s not masturbating, he appears to actually be having sex with an open window.
  • They’re ANTS people.  STEP ON THEM.

And I quit.  This movie is quite possibly the stupidest movie I have ever seen (and I don’t use the term “stupid” lightly).  Goodbye, Antfarm Dickhole, may you rot in the deepest depths of Hades.  I am SO watching a good movie next!

Antfarm Dickhole

Antfarm Dickhole.  Okay, so yeah.  I don’t even…where to start?  I don’t…Okay, so this is actually going to be broken up into like 3 segments because um, I’ve only watched the first fifteen minutes and um, yeah…there’s a lot of thoughts happening here and I’m pretty sure I’m entirely too sober to be watching this but it’s only 1 o’clock so you know, I don’t really feel like going out and getting wasted right now and I’m pretty sure a substance other than alcohol or weed is needed for this film, I’m just not entirely sure what that substance is…so yeah…just going to throw out my thoughts on the first fifteen minutes for now because there are a lot of those and then I’m going to go do something like read my Bible or I don’t know what…but I will be finishing this because I am so intrigued and confused and this is either brilliant or terrible and I have no idea.  I clearly don’t have the comprehension skills required for this film.  So yeah…

He’s got ants in his pants!

Okay, here we go. Let’s do this thing…

  • Ants freak me out.  Seriously freak me out. I used to have weird crazy dreams where they’d be swarming over my bed and wake up and could still feel the bed moving.
  • Someone doesn’t quite know his lines here! Or maybe they’re just making up lines?
  • How did they go from discussing how crappy life is to the joys of jerking off?  And why are they talking about this in the woods?  Are they stoned?
  • Now we’re talking about bullies…I’m having trouble following this conversation…
  • “Didn’t you study a martial art when you were a kid?”  Of course.  Because EVERYBODY does.  Duh.
  • What?  Who is this guy that looks like a biker?  Why is he giving the other guy a wedgie?  They’re like 30 not 12!
  • Least intimidating bully EVER.
  • Who carries a cupcake in their pocket?
  • WTF???  “There’s no way we can enjoy the sanctuary of the woods after that happened to my cupcake.”  WTF???  That might be my favoritest line EVER!!!!
  • We’re only in minute 4, dear lord.
  • Why is the white biker bully suddenly talking like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid?
  • Ew, ginormous ant crawling up his pants leg.  Fake ginormous ant but still.
  • Dude, he stepped on your cupcake not kicked your ass.  Stop limping.
  • “I think he stole my car too.  They don’t just go repark themselves you know.  They shouldn’t even call this a park…they should call it a stolen.”  I LOVE THIS GUY!!
  • Minute 5 and finally there’s nudity.  Took you long enough movie.
  • Why is he getting a stripper dance in his home?  Why is there a cat in the background?  That’s highly distracting from the full frontal nudity going on.  Or maybe it’s subtext.  *giggles*
  • Nice tat, naked lady!
  • This girl is way too hot for this guy  Also she gives weird blow jobs.  And she just pulled a fake ant out of her mouth when it was done.  And now she’s writhing on the floor with fake ants covering her and the kitten is writhing next to her and oh her clit is pierced.  And now the guy is jumping on her and suddenly she’s all bloody and he’s stomping on her and trying to call someone and he just stepped on his phone and wait, is she masturbating, and he just passed out and there’s no dialogue and she’s like running her hands over her body and omg, I think the kitty is dead!!
  • WHAT??  The chick is now a skeleton and her boyfriend is philosophizing on Montezuma’s revenge.  WTF??  “I better call the police.” He says all nonchalantly then throws down the phone and says, “No, I’ll do this the old fashioned way and walk to the police department.”  And we’re only in minute 9!!!
  • Ah, walking down the yellow brick road.  Excellent.  What’s up with the sketch bikery guys?  And what’s with the wedgies??  Seriously do guys just go around giving strangers wedgies their whole lives??
  • Why is this guy like doing weird dance moves around our “hero” now?  And why are they using the word “peepee” for penis?  I am so confused by this movie.  But hey they finally said the catchphrase “ants in your pants”!!
  • Why, why is he swatting at this guy and yelling at him to do something about the ants in his pants??  Wait are the ants attacking him now? Is that why?
  • WTF is a girl in a bikini doing reporting in the woods?  Why, movie, why?
  • Dick Street
  • I can’t even follow these two guys conversation.  It’s all over the place.  And cupcake guy is a grammar nazi.  And now they’re talking about racism and border control.  I really think I need to be stoned to get this.  Omg, what?  What the hell?
  • This guy is totally obsessed with his premature ejaculation while masturbating.  That’s fine to bring up all the time but you still use “peepee” when referring to your cock?  *face palm*

Um, so yeah…that’s as far as I’ve gotten at the moment and I think you can see why I’m having to break this into segments because dear gods, there is just soooo much I have to say that if I don’t this will be the longest Cinema Schminema posting EVER.  I can’t decide if I love this or hate it.  And the director’s name is Bill Zebub.  Get it?  *giggles*