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Blood Punch

Blood Punch 1

Groundhog Day takes a wild, meth-induced bloody ride in Blood Punch (my new favorite movie), a horror comedy written by Ethan Pines. This film starts out hard and never lets up – bringing us hilarity and death, murder and mayhem, sex and blood, meth and peyote, carnage and deserts, snarkiness and more snark – this is indie horror filmmaking at its finest. Seriously. Why wasn’t I in this movie?? (Oh yeah. Current status: somewhere in the woods of Alabama, far from civilization…*sighs*) You guys are gonna LOVE this one though (specially you, E.!).

So what we have is this:

A young man is lured into a dangerous love triangle that begins to take a series of shocking and grisly supernatural turns.

(Although for those more on the squeamish side, it’s really not as grisly as they make it sound. There’s tons of death but the majority of it isn’t graphic. That said, for those who enjoy blood soaked…um, bloodiness(?)…there’s a great scene featuring that which I particularly enjoyed. 😉 )

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Milton is this super smart dude who got busted cooking meth and is in drug court ordered rehab. There he meets Skyler (whom I now aspire to be like) – an incredibly snarky, kinda bitchy, but ultimately sexy gal – who desperately needs him to help her and her boyfriend out with a meth cooking job. A BIG one. If he agrees, he gets to break out of rehab that night and gets a sweet payday on top of it – all for a one day job. Tiny little catch…Skyler’s boyfriend is a psychopath. No really. Dude is the devil himself (as Skyler says). An entirely terrifying yet strangely charming (at times) psychopathic devil. Lemme tell you, Ari Boyland walks a very fine line here playing Russell, and he tiptoes across that edge like a BOSS. Since this IS a horror movie, Milton takes the gig only to find out just how truly sadistic Russell is and how caught up in Russell’s web Skyler is. And then from there, things just get…well, hilariously bad.

One of the great things about this film is HOW we’re seeing things play out – via flashback. Not just any ordinary flashback though. Nope, Milton wakes up one morning to find a video message from himself in the bathtub explaining the whole situation. It’s truly fabulous. As are the various ways that people get killed off in this film. I mean, if you live to die another day, again and again and again and again…like, really how many ways are there to kill someone? These guys are determined to find out and some ways are truly inventive. So to sum up – 3 kids (okay, college kids but still) trying to work out why they’re repeatedly dying, repeatedly killing each other, trying to escape, and all while sitting on one freaking HUGE pile of meth. Oh, and there might be a romantic squabble or two in there. Super easy sitch to control. It’ll be fine. They got this.

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Milo Cawthorne as Milton is great. He’s the perfect blend of confused, edgy, pissed off, longing, scared that’s required here, and is funny as hell. He and Olivia Tennet as Skyler have excellent chemistry, playing off each other extremely well, with their quip delivery on fleek. SO MUCH SNARK. It was like I died and went to heaven. *sighs* Olivia also had the job of making a not so likable character, a sympathetic one, which she did with great aplomb. There were times I wanted to hate her but I could only just say, “You’re a jerk and I’m not talking to you right now. So there.” and then made up with her, like, two minutes later. That was REALLY annoying in that one part when she did that one thing that was just all UGH, you know? 😉

Random aside: Apparently, the majority of these actors were all on some Power Rangers show (RPM??). I’m too old to have gone through a Power Rangers phase but ya know, if you’re not old and decrepit like myself and were totes into PR, then you get the added bonus of nostalgia. Just FYI. 🙂

Guys, this movie is kickawesome. We need more well made, SMART movies like this one, especially in this genre. If you wanna check it out (and you know you wanna – right, E.?), the link’s up there at the top. You can also check ’em out on Facebook if you wanna get in touch. Ugh. So fucking good. I’d hate for you to miss out…

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Spork

Brace yourselves, folks.  It’s a rare non-horror day here at Cinema Schminema.  But don’t leave just yet because if you’re a fan of offbeat, hilariously awkward periodic comedies, then this is the movie for you!  I present to you Spork.

Spork is just your average 14 year old hermaphrodite (hence the nickname “Spork”) struggling with the ups and downs of high school.   Everybody knows that she’s a hermaphrodite and most everybody hates her (even the guy with two dads).  Till one day she meets a guy named Chunk who advises her to stand up for herself and just be her.  So she does so, by throwing a basketball into the face of Betsy Byotch (no really, that’s her name) who constantly makes fun of her.  Now Betsy and her pack of Britney Spears worshiping bitches (no really, they call themselves “the bitches”) are out for blood.  What’s a girl to do?  Well, duh, she should win the dance off so she can have $236 (no really that’s the prize) to partake of a quick “lose fat, get pretty” agent her dead mother prescribed for her.  So with the help of her new friend, Chunk, the aforementioned guy with two dads whom she ends up more than befriending and the closest thing she has to a best friend, her neighbor Tootsie Roll, Spork sets out to do just that.  And you know what that means.  This movie ends with my all time favorite of movie endings – AN EPIC IN  YOUR FACE DANCE SEQUENCE!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe the boys will all like me if I skip down the road with a dead dog!

Spork is one hell of a good time complete with the Napoleon Dynamite‘esque trick of not letting you in on exactly what the time period is.  Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are mentioned frequently, the bitches wear clothing that made me want to go have a Saved by the Bell marathon and the song Tootsie Roll is played so frequently that I can’t get it out of my head.

Some random facts:

  1.   Whatever time this is was the beginning of krumping because the dancers are still wearing clown makeup.
  2.   The game Twister will enable you to become a champion krumper/break dancer.
  3.   If you like a boy, all you need is lipstick.
  4.  I will never be able to dance like the 14 year olds in this movie.  Well, maybe like that gang of Betsy Byotch’s.

So if you like comedy and you like awkward and you like hilarious indie film, I highly recommend you go watch this.  Like now, byotch. Oh and a little something extra:

Spliced (a/k/a/ The Wisher)

I’m not sure where exactly to start with Spliced (aka Wisher)……the fact that Drew Lachey (Nick Lachey’s) brother is in it and is uber creepy boyfriend wannabe….the nod to my favoritest of all horror movies “A Nightmare on Elm Street”……or the hilarious one liners and horrible continuity….So I’ll try to start somewhere near the beginning.

Mary is a teen who absolutely adores horror movies.  As she tells her school guidance counselor (who for some reason is able to prescribe medication to the students, wtf??), being scared arouses her.  She and the counselor honestly seem a little closer than they should be….Mary also sleepwalks and has horrible nightmares (this does NOT seem to arouse her).  Her father pretty much hates her for her sleepwalking ways (seriously, I thought he was the evil stepfather for awhile he was so horrible.  Because sleepwalking is of course something a person does on purpose…..).  He forbids her from watching scary movies and of course, being a teen, she goes to the movies with friends to watch the latest and totally hyped horror flick “The Wisher”.  Now, lucky for us viewers, we actually get to watch a bit of “The Wisher” along with Mary and her friends and trust me when I say it’s just as fabulous as “Spliced” itself!  Unfortunately, the movie is too intense for Mary (really?  A tree eating someone is intense?  What the hell kinda movies have you been watching, girl?) and she has to leave the theatre 15 minutes in.  Also unfortunately, her father has realized that she’s at “The Wisher” and is on his way to get her….except he doesn’t make it…..wait, I totally forgot that part where Mary wished he would just go away when she left for the movie right?  Whoops!

Anyway Mary is really upset about his death one minute and then totally nonchalant about it the next.  Her little sister seems to be dealing with the whole death thing fairly well too (“We’re going to the cemetery?  Cool!”)  This is one cold family.  Mary also hasn’t learned anything about using the word “wish” because she keeps wishing for things to happen and of course they do.  So is the Wisher actually real?  Is it her guy friend who wants to date her who seems to be creepily stalking her?  What exactly is going on??  Well, my friends, you must watch for yourself to find out.  Trust me, the whole story is pretty epically funny though!

Random points of interest:

I’m not sure what the year is in the movie.  There are internet cafes but people still rent videos.  Not dvds but videos.

Proper school attire includes wearing the same white halter top EVERY DAY.

In one scene, it’s night then daylight then night then daylight…

Said to creepy stalker boyfriend wannabe – “When you said you liked me did you mean as a friend or as a friend with benefits?”……Wait, what?  Is there not a dating option in there?