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500 MPH Storm


500 MPH Storm.  No really, that’s the title.  Of course, I couldn’t pass this baby up, not with a name like that.  And of course, it’s an Asylum offering.  *sighs*  Sometimes I wish I lived in the Asylum world…I mean sure I’d be dodging crazy natural disasters left and right all while being hunted by fairy tale creatures and other stuff but wow, can you imagine what fun it would be??

Anyway, this movie starts out quickly with the WTF? science.  The 500 MPH storm is created by oil drilling.  No, I don’t understand it either.  It’s exactly like that time a volcano in the Antarctic exploded, melting glaciers and creating a metal tornado.  Unlike Metal Tornado though, this movie was WAYYYY less fun.

Here are our protagonists and here we shall start with the not so awesomeness.

Here are our protagonists and here we shall start with the not so awesomeness.

  • Of course there was a hot air balloon race that day.
  • “Just shut up and play your game!”  Thanks, Mom.  There’s a 500 MPH storm brewing and oh yeah, I’m like 16!
  • Is this old guy Casper Van Dien?  Wasn’t he like incredibly good looking and stuff?  Or am I thinking of someone else?…
  • I always make sandwiches when death is imminent too.  It’s only natural.
  • Mom is a major bitch.  Yelling at the son about being ungrateful over sandwiches when there’s a 500 MPH storm coming right at them.  Priorities people.  Priorities.
  • Um, this isn’t a storm so much as a tornado/hurricane/raging monster hybrid. Storm indicates a little rain and lightning, no?
  • This family makes my family look functional…
  • Awww, the old lady journalist who was complaining she was too old to be out in this weather just got ate by the storm.
  • Also the storm is conveniently chasing our dysfunctional family.  Not anyone else, just them.  It kinda looks like a smoke monster.  I never got that far in “Lost” – is this what it looked like?  (Darn it, I can’t find a picture of the storm where it looks like the monster!)
  • The best place to go in a tornado is a building made entirely of windows.  I’m from the South, I know these things…
  • Rain, rain, flood, flood, smoke monster, smoke monster.
  • Is this movie seriously just this one family driving around with the storm chasing them for 86 minutes while they yell at each other?
  • Ah, angsty teen anger.

SoBored*Editor Note:  Lindsay Lohan was not in this movie – this is just my reaction at this point.*

  • Society has been gone for all of five minutes and already we have looters and would be rapists?  I mean, okay, it’s somewhat reasonable but still….
  • Obligatory 18 wheeler coming at the car…
  • Slow motion thrashing around in the car while they’re in the tornado!!  Casper Van Dien looks wayyyy too happy here!
  • Note to self – look up jujuaura (sp?) effect to see if this is real.
  • They keep trying to get ABOVE the storm.  But the storm is in the sky…so…you know what, never mind.  Logic has no place here at all.
  • Oh god.  There’s 44 minutes left to this.

I almost gave up here, people, I really did.  But I stuck it out.  All I know is that there’s a magical laser beam that works, then doesn’t work, then works; Casper Van Dien is a grinning maniac every time he’s in danger and then this is what’s left:

This 86 minute storm destroyed the world.

This 86 minute storm destroyed the world.

This was such a let down after Hansel & Gretel.  I mean, I was really freaking proud of the Asylum after that one.  But this…oy, just stay away, far, far away.