HE SAID:

 

 

Since there hasn’t been anything new to get out and watch, I pulled a random movie from our Ottoman (that is filled with DVDs) and took it in over the week. At first I wasn’t going to give this any Top Hats and wait for the viewer to read, watch and comment, but then I figured that’s not the way I do things, so I gave it the median range score and will do two reviews, hopefully short ones, one good and  one bad. I mean, in the end, I say to you “I liked this movie”, but it is so filled with problems that it is hard to tell if they did them on purpose or if they cared so less that it didn’t make any difference and they just went with it to finish it up and try and make a “cult classic”. Then again, I didn’t want to watch it again with the director’s commentary to get his thoughts (because twice is enough), so I can’t be the ultimate judge of this thing, so, here we go. AND – to note – this is a movie called ZOMBIE STRIPPERS so – you’re expectations have to be set accordingly.

The plot: apparently there is a “Bush government” research facility that is testing the “Zombie Virus” to use in war to “make Bush more money”. Things get out of hand and a “Z-Company” Black Ops unit is called in to contain Armageddon. One of the Z’s men gets either some blood in his mouth or is bitten ( I can’t remember) and stumbles his way through the bowels of the complex into the Blue Rhino strip club, yes, in the industrial complex there is also a strip club offering “whatever you need”. Seeing the movie poster, the eye will observe there is Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund, (so we can’t have too high expectations, now can we). What follows next: stripping, nudity, very gory effects, strip routine, nudity , very gory effects, bad acting all around, zombies, strip routine, nudity, very gory effects, bad acting all around, zombies, strip routine, nudity, very gory effects, bad acting all around, zombies, strip routine, nudity, very gory effects, bad acting all around, zombies, stripping, bad acting, Z Company may or may not save the day, Bush is blamed for everything, the end. Roll credits.

The negative review:

The actors are TERRIBLE.  Sure the ladies are good looking but they are TERRIBLE at their delivery. Robert Englund is as bad as ever. The Z Company cast is misery. The costumes change from one shot to another. For real, we see a set full of extras throwing money and screaming at the “dancer”, in the same time-coherent shot, we see a different angle and the set is empty except for the dancer. We see Jameson leaving a room wearing one thing and entering a room wearing something different (FOR REAL). We see two “Zombie Strippers” entering a room to devour someone and, during the scene, their clothes CHANGE during the “devouring”. There is a big shot where Jameson and her rival are doing half naked battle on the stage, Jameson rips off the enemy’s big choke necklace, this is a big thing!, Z Company shows up and the enemy zombie stripper is shot down – but once again she’s wearing the CHOKE. The CGI is terrible. The bouncer sneaks out the door one minute, then is back in there and sneaks out the door again.  The Russian dance mistress is wearing this, then that, then this and then that again. The “Virgin Christian” who is going to strip for her grandma’s colostomy bag, leaves the strip club and, when we see her next, is actually leaving her high school (huh?). Why is Z Company’s squad leader supposed to be Che Guevera? Why does Robert Englund have so many guns amassed but he doesn’t know how to use them? Why does the Mexican Janitor have to keep repeating Cheech and Chong one liners? Why is there a donkey in the room when he says his last farewell? Why does the cinematography change from “Flash Capture” to “Fluid” so often? This movie is so full of problems that I can’t stand it. 2 TOP HATS.

The positive review:

If you’re into this type of thing, this movie is full of either naked, half naked or barely clothed good looking ladies for almost the whole run time, dancing and running and fighting and, being zombies, ripping their clientele to shreds. The gore is over the top and very well done. From a photography standpoint, they use of the “Flash Capture” is done really well (when they use it). It’s a different take on the zombie lore of filmdom. These zombie strippers don’t just wander around eating people, they become super strong, do some power stripping, change their clothes, talk, utter philosophical quotes, decay and rip people to pieces.  There’s nothing safe here. There’s weenus-eating, brain-eating, jaw-ripping, arm-rending, boob-tearing, etc. and it’s not all CGI. The CGI they do use for certain parts is totally lame, but thankfully most of it is done with good old fashioned make-up effects. So, if you’re looking to watch a movie about Zombified Strippers starring what are probably some sort of porn actresses (hard or soft) – you can’t go wrong here. 4 TOP HATS.

 

SHE SAID:

 

Zombie Strippers (Unrated Special Edition) is one of those unbelievably “so bad it’s good” horror/comedies that really, really does try hard to be serious.  It gives it’s all to entertain AND teach a lesson.  *shrugs*  Well, it accomplishes half of that at least.

Zombie Strippers, starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund, tells the story of a futuristic world where George Bush has won his 4th term to presidency (scared yet??) and the terror alert is at a whole new record high.  There are wars not just in the Middle East but Europe too.  Nudity has been banned and the government has started a project in which they hope to devise a way to re-animate dead soldiers.  Because zombies + war = awesome?  Anyway, since the government has this ridiculously bad idea and it IS a horror movie, they of course come up with a virus that leads to zombie-dom. The zombie testing goes awry (duh), leading an escaped and bitten soldier to a quaint little strip club run by Robert Englund, where Jenna Jameson is the star stripper.  There’s dissension amongst the ranks as one stripper is highly jealous of Jenna and Robert Englund is a fastidious, creepy hypochondriac who’s also bordering on the sadistic side.  Enter the new girl at the club, a sweet Christian girl who’s only trying her hand at this so she can afford her Nana’s operation.  (There really aren’t better ways to do this, sweet Christian girl, than to be an illegal stripper??)  Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse in this little slice of heaven, Mr. “I’m About to be a Zombie” shows up.  Next thing you know, he’s attacked Jenna, who in turn becomes a zombie.  BUT…..wait for it……a zombie with a goal:  to be the best damn stripper there is.  And apparently being a zombie turns you into one hell of a stripper.

After this point the movie consists of stripping….really cool special effects stripping….dancing….more stripping….nakedness (due to the stripping)…..and occasionally the eating of human flesh, since you know, it’s a zombie movie and all.

Big laughs, small scares and a perfect waste of your time if you’re a fan of cheesy horror.