HE SAID:

Late last year I did some writing about a not so good movie called BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE and ever since then NetFlix has been recommending this and I have been passing it off as something stupid that I shouldn’t bother with. A few weeks ago Mary was griping at me that I hadn’t been doing my Giallos lately and I was getting away from my roots so I went and beer-queued a bunch of them up and then I got four in a row. After three, I thought to myself that I needed something more modern and saw this and thought, well why not….?

So here we are aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddd I have to say that this really wasn’t “that bad”. It’s extremely silly and the acting is pretty awful all around and the premise is dumb and the dialogue is stupid BUT ——— I liked it! When it first started, during the first twenty minutes or so I was thinking to myself that this could be the stupidest movie I have ever seen. but then they all started dancing and I was getting used to it and I started having fun and by the end I didn’t want it to be over.  It was only an hour long and I had some more time to kill so I even watched the “bloop reel” and a couple of making ofs. It looks like everyone involved had a total blast making this and no one took anything seriously and that’s what I like about things like this.

We all know the story right? College chicks want to earn some moneys so they strip down to their bikinis and go get lathered up and wash cars while lesbians get BJs and pervs sit in the driver’s seat watching their boobs get smeared all over the windows. And the university professors grade their test papers with words like “YOU’RE FAT” and “FUCK YOU”.  And they have a seance with a homemade Ouija board and summon up the ghost of the mass murdering chef one of them raped with a rake after he killed a whole bunch of people. And knife dance-offs.  And intestine sucking. And nipple cutting. And pissing in the hot tub. And a friendly old football buddy to football buddy head job, you know, because he misses his mom. But that’s OK….  Kids!!

The lady in the picture above was kind of annoying for a little bit but I really got to like her and her one liners. She also goes around kicking dudes in the nuts for talking, so be careful. I didn’t love the long haired professor who turns himself into a little girl and dances around his room in his underwear while he has a character named Peaches tied up in his closet. It was pretty funny how the Killer Chef just kind of shows up whenever and it was kind of disturbing when he stuck that cut off nipple on Peaches’ forehead. In the end I really did like this but I can’t go on record saying this is a well made movie. If you want to give this a shot, you can’t take this seriously for one second and just try and enjoy it. For the record, I totally liked this actress and her character:

On a side note, I actually watched this several weeks ago and right when I was ready to post it. my bloggy friend Misty posted something about this exact same movie so I put it on the shelf to let the proper statute of limitations pass so I don’t get sued for some sort of copyright infringement.  I had hoped, during the layover, to get a hold of the first one of this trilogy BIKINI BLOODBATH and the third, BIKINI BLOODBATH CHRISTMAS, but I haven’t been able to find copies of either. Oh well, I’ll keep my eye out. : (

SHE SAID:

 

There’s nothing coherent in Bikini Bloodbath Carwash so really there’s nothing coherent in what I am about to say which is again stream of consciousness because really that’s the only way to get through things like this.  Why do I do this to myself?  *shakes head*

• Naked girls dancing.
• Directed and written by : Who the Fuck Cares (no really, that’s what it says!)
• Professor hitting on girls in an odd way.
• “I love Southern men.  Mmmm, fried chicken!”
• A group of guys wearing shirts that say “College Student”
• Why is this professor wearing a weird Popeye hat?
• Sharon needs serious help with her grades.  Popeye just told her she’s getting fat.
• What the hell? WHAT THE HELL?? I don’t even know if this is offensive.  Or what level of offensive it is.
• Well, that was a waste of good coffee.
• What college has lockers?
• Apparently this movie will involve spanking…
• This woman wants to be Janeane Garofalo…
• Scrub and wax, ladies, scrub and wax…
• Poor Sharon’s having a rough day.  *shakes head*
• Lesbian oral sex
• I’m positive washing cars with body parts is an excellent way to get your car clean.
• Oh dear god, someone’s about to be served.  This just got EPIC!!
• Funny, guys break dancing has never turned me on like that.  Apparently something is wrong with me.
• “Hey sexy lady, you have strong meat fingers.”
• Oh hell yes, girl gang fight/dance off with knives.  I am in LOVE.
• This may be the best thing I have ever witnessed in my life.  I am doing this. I am fighting a girl in this style.
• Well, this seance came on rather quickly. And that is the most ghetto homemade ouija board ever.
• Wait, some girl killed a chef?  And sodomy upsets Jenny.
• Killed a monstrous chef with a rake.  And apparently the ouija board just called up his spirit.  Okay, now I’m on top of this.  Kinda.  Sorta.
• Shower scene, shower scene, shower scene…
• Back to Popeye the professor.  He’s not in the shower scene just to clarify.  And his name is Professor Shipwreck.  Apparently he teaches physics…with gasoline and basketballs…and discusses how babies are made…
• Why does everyone hate Sharon??  I’m so tired of them telling her she’s fat because um, no…
• Ike has a really nice, thick and bushy mustache.
• “What I don’t get is that Professor Shipwreck was telling me that if I showed him my b’s he’d give me an A….”  “It’s probably the metric system.”  “You are SO smart.”
• Finally some killing!  And intestine sucking.
• Pretty sure I would appreciate half the scenes in this movie more if I was a guy or a lesbian.
• “I want to get a mustache ride.”  HA!
• Apparently, it’s a common problem for ghosts to take shits in house and not clean them up.
• “And bring some motherfucking tapioca pudding!”  “That’s weird…but okay!”
• Axe to the head with neon red blood!  This killer chef should be killing with like cooking instruments.
• “What have you done with your hair?  It’s so much more pubic than I recall!”
• “What did you think of that knife fight?”  “I want a monkey!”  “Me too!!”  Hugs.
• And…I think I just lost my fondness for guys with long hair after this scene….
• Oh good, killer chef is going to save Peaches from her would be transvestite rapist!  And now he’s using cooking utensils to kill!
• AHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHH.  Oh god, oh god, oh god, that was horrible.  He just cut off that guy’s nipple and it was horrible and then he stuck it to Peaches head.
• Camel Toe Liquor.  *sighs*
• Worst chugger ever.
• The complete ridiculousness of these caricatures are just insane.  And this is the lamest party ever.  Now, I could tell you some stories about parties…oh could I ever…and if these people don’t stop dancing I just might.
• Still dancing….so this one time in college there was this party that became known in the epic after tales as Boobie Bungalow…there was a lot of – wait, they finally stopped dancing!  Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
• I think they’re trying to recreate the final scene of Revenge of the Nerds here and it’s failing epically.
• What is this weird cup flipping and drinking game?
• Yay killer chef!!!  Why does he only show up like every 20 minutes.  It feels like hours in between his appearances.  This whole movie feels like it’s been on for 800 years.  Oh dear, it’s only been on 45 minutes.  And since when did this chef apparently try to kill everybody else in the past?  Why is that guy deep throating his beer bottle?
• I will never get in a hot tub again.
• Um..football players have shower buddies?
• Sometimes even I question why I watch these things.  I think I need a beer.
• Did he just give his football player friend a bj in the hot tub?  And then says he’s been going to the bathroom in the hot tub the whole time?  Oh, it’s because he misses his mom.  Of course.
• Killer chef!!  Drowning in hot tub!  And chopping onions?
• I don’t think anyone in this movie likes anyone else in this movie.  There is a LOT of  physical violence happening and not by killer chef.
• Tricycles of the apocalypse…I need to use that phrase in conversation more often.
• Do we really need to see the pee going into the toilet?  Oh hey, Killer Chef!!  He totally just sullied that cute shirt that said Hooker.
• I don’t…what?  What? I can’t even follow…I just…I have no words…I…
• 12 minutes left.  Just 12 more minutes.
• I always want waffles after I discover dead friends too.  It’s only natural.
• We need weapons…but not the police.  Because calling the police would just be silly.  Instead we’ll fight the killer chef off with balloons and baseball bats.
• Professor Shipwreck gets hit in the balls a lot.
• This reminds me of Broken Lizard’s Club Dread except for the fact that THAT was a good movie.
• Ooohhhh, I think killer chef’s power lays in his hat!
• Hahahaha, that totally made me laugh!  Someone is using the power of “hiding under the blanket makes you invisible to monsters” method.
• TONG FIGHT!!
• Well, good for fat Sharon.  She went to get waffles so I bet she’ll live.
• Everybody in this film is wearing pink.  I think I want to wear pink more often.
• Killer Chef has lost his head!
• And now the last two standing are going to join Sharon for waffles.

Well, that was certainly on helluva ride, boys and girls.  Far from being the worst thing I’ve ever seen, I’m certainly not better off having seen it.  But on the plus side I picked up some knife fighting/dance techniques and I don’t feel a need to take a shower so all in all, a ridiculously stupid time!