Category Archives: Troma
Death House (2017)
I’m not sure what I just watched but I do know that this movie has, like, almost every horror movie icon ever in it. And really, that’s its only redeeming feature.
During an exclusive tour, a power breakdown inside a secret prison known as the Death House sends two agents fighting through a labyrinth of horrors while being pursued by a ruthless army of roaming inmates. As they fight to escape, the agents push toward the lowest depths of the facility, where they learn a supernatural group of evil beings may be their only chance for survival.
Written by Gunnar Hansen, and apparently based on Dante’s Inferno, Death House
Not one of the Five Evils, just evil at its finest.
We start with 2 FBI agents (I think?) visiting the super-secret, evil prison to…uh…well…okay, so the prison uses virtual reality to…uh…help the prisoners re-live their crimes? Not very clear on that part, but they do kidnap homeless people off the streets and dress them up as prisoners’ former victims so they can kill them again. So, anyway, back to the 2 agents. They seem to be there to tour the prison but they also get to do virtual reality simulations in order to slay their demons (as it were). After they’re done fake-killing (I think?) their past, they go throughout the prison and see prisoners being experimented on and the aforementioned homeless people dosed outta their minds so they’re complacent enough to be slaughtered.
But, at the same time, there’s some random guy running around outside eviscerating a guard and planting a device in him. Then while Lloyd Kaufman (bless him) is operating on said guard, the device causes a power outage that shuts down the prison so the prisoners can escape? (Because, obvs, super-secret, evil prisons are really just that simple to take over. Apparently.)
This leads to the agents & Dee Wallace being trapped in an elevator and Dee’s all “We’re dead” and the agents are all “Nah, really?” and then there’s a bunch of skinless people who are also cannibals (this is in addition to the other cannibals elsewhere). The skinless people are apparently very sad (and are super gross).
We’re gonna die, aren’t we?…Nah, it’s totes good.
There’s a group of prisoners headed to the basement to meet the Five Evils – when they became a thing, I have no idea, they were just suddenly there – who are supernatural, super-evil, super-villain baddies? Maybe? I don’t know. I just do not know. And then there’s an Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom
Meet the Five Evils, the baddest of the baddies
It’s so chaotic. Like, lawless chaotic, not good chaotic. Parts of it were too dark to see (although considering those skinless peeps, that’s maybe a good thing) and the dialogue was all over the place and, just, what the fuck? Y’all, I had to write a paper in college comparing the architecture of a Gothic cathedral to the architecture of Dante’s Inferno
This one is okay for the nostalgia factor but, otherwise, I suggest just visiting Hell itself – it’s bound to be more fun.
Volumes of Blood
Are we all getting a little tired of anthologies by now? ABC’s of Death and V/H/S’s all over the place? Yeah? Well, screw them, watch this and have your faith in the anthology genre restored. Volumes of Blood doesn’t just wipe the floor with those two, it wipes the floor with blood (and brains…and guts…and stuff…) and remains wickedly funny throughout.
Volumes of Blood is a super indie collaborative effort out of Kentucky that involved almost 150 people (I believe – correct me if I’m wrong, P.j.!), which is pretty amazing in and of itself. MY last indie project, I was acting, co-directing, holding a boom AND getting coffee, lol. Ah….movie making….I can’t remember the last time I saw an indie look this good though, particularly a lo-budget one. “Misty! Stop talking about behind the scene crap and tell us what happens ON screen!” Yeah, yeah, I hear you…
One badass mofo
Urban legends is what we have here, guys and gals. But not those silly old boring urban legends we’ve all heard a MILLION times before (no Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary here!). No, we get new urban legends, entirely made up as the film progresses. I have to admit to being a sucker for urban legends because really they’re nothing more than modern fairy tales and my fascination & study of fairy tales is a lifelong thing (that I’m going to refrain from babbling on about – see I can be good). And the legends here have some unique modern spins indeed. From demonic energy drinks to learning lessons about playing pranks to satanic encyclopedias (c’mon, this NEVER ends well!) to ghostly visitors who like to tease…you’ll have a blast from beginning to end.
What’s more is that all the effects are PRACTICAL effects which absolutely makes me shiver with delight. It’s that absolutely brilliant old-school style with just a hint of a lovely Troma-esque influence….*sighs*…..Especially the end….oh the end…There should have been more blood and gore. Yeah. Maybe that’s my one complaint. MORE of this, please!! So those of you who are into that too will def get a kick out of this one.
Blood, blood, blood, yay!
There’s also some really good acting going on here. Not gonna lie – sometimes grabbing your friends up to make a movie means not so wonderful acting. Just the truth. But here? Nah. These guys are GOOD. There were a couple of people who only had a line here or there that were a little stiff but all the characters that were essential held my attention and sold it. TOTES. This is even better when you know that a good portion of things were improv.
And ya know what? If I STILL haven’t managed to convince you, I’ll just let my favorite line of the movie do it.
“Learn how to die or start making Christian films!”
P.S. Check ’em out on Facebook!
Slither
Okay, Slither
The story starts in a small town, where Starla (Banks) and Grant (Rooker) are husband and wife. All’s well till out of nowhere crashes a meteorite while Grant’s off frolicking in the woods with a local gal (naughty, naughty Grant!)…and well, we all know what happens next. Aliens. Big slug like aliens that turn people into acid spitting zombies. Or do this…
I know I’m pregnant, but honey do I look fat?
Grant is, of course, infected with a parasite and slowly starts to change…the changes start to concern Starla who worries his health may be starting to fail. Grant blows her and the doctors off with lame excuses and goes to impregnant the aforementioned local gal with some hopped up alien babies. Starla, meanwhile, runs to her high school crush, Sheriff Bill Pardy (Fillion) for comfort.
So what does this alien parasite want? It wants to infect all of humanity with a hive consciousness and then meld all bodies together until it’s “all there is”. Ew. And at some point along the way, it decides it really really wants Starla. Double Ew.
I know she’ll still love me, even if I look like this!
Who will be victorious? Sheriff Bill Pardy or the evil Grant monster?? Are there really 104 deaths in 104 minutes? Are all those funny names of town buildings nods to horror movies past? Did Lloyd Kaufman really make a video diary for this movie? Who exactly is Bill Pardy”? So many questions, friends and only one way to f ind out…
Zombiegeddon
Oh Troma, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways…Nobody but you could make a movie as horrific as Zombiegeddon
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way – any movie that starts out with a fake newscast about how the movie is truly a piece of shit, has got to be worth watching (at least IMHO). I mean, if they’re willing to tell you up front not to take the time to watch the movie and that people have threatened to kill themselves after watching the movie just to erase the memories – I ask, how can you NOT watch it?? Maybe that’s just me though. I tend to do the things people warn me against.
Seriously, y’all, you’ve been properly warned.
Alright, now, imagine that you have a video camera and you get all your friends together and say, “Hey! Let’s improv a whole movie about zombies!”. Now imagine that your friends are all Paris Hilton. Welcome to “Zombiegeddon” – the acting skills of Paris Hilton with the homegrown directing, writing and editing skills of Joe Schmo. (I know, it’s a pretty horrible image, Paris Hilton’s running around and acting all over the place. I sincerely apologize for putting that in your head). I think there might have actually been a script for this but there was no need. None at all. The entire movie looks entirely improvised, the fight choreography left me on the floor howling with laughter and Lloyd Kaufman? *sighs* Once again I say bless you for making an appearance as a janitor with a gimp leg.
But what of plot you say? Well, there’s not much of one actually, but the basic premise is this: Satan is making super-zombies and oh, no, what will the world do, won’t somebody do something?? Never fear though because “In every generation, there is a chosen one. He alone shall stand against the zombies.” That’s right, guys and gals. There is a chosen one, a guy with a sacred birthright, who just happens to be a crooked cop.
Yeah, it really just doesn’t get better than this…
Cinema Schminema 