Category Archives: The First Five

The First Five: Da Hip Hop Witch


What the FUCK did I just try to watch??  What the FUCK??  Eminem what the hell were you thinking appearing in this?  What was anyone thinking??  My respect for Eminem took a nose dive after attempting this atrocity (and yes, I do like Eminem’s music, big fan actually).

This is what Wikipedia has to say about it:

“After learning about the “Hip Hop Witch”, a powerful supernatural being that lurks in the ghettos and attacks upcoming rappers which makes their record sales go up, five suburban teenagers go on a quest to get their rap careers started by being attacked by said witch. Filming their experience, they run into past hip hop stars that have already battled the Witch in person.”

I didn’t get that far of course.  After Eminem appeared, I gave up and  quickly,  The cinematography was shite and I couldn’t tell what was going on and it was just so bad I wanted to cry.  Poor rap stars.  You all need hugs after this.

So yeah, Da Hip Hop Witch should be avoided at all costs.  Go find your favorite rapper in another movie, yo.  Trust me.

The First Five – Monster Brawl


Okay, gotta be honest – I really watched the first 40 minutes of this not just five.  BUT I honestly didn’t realize I was still watching it till my friend, The Brad, called and I was like, “Why can’t I hear what you’re saying??  Oh…this stupid thing is still on??”  So that totally counts for a First Five.  Right?  😉

Yeah…so…I’d like to start by saying that a movie that involves monsters and wrestling should be AMAZING.  FUCKING AMAZING.  It’s like having a movie that involves hot girls and jello wrestling – how do you go wrong????  You can’t.  You just can’t go wrong with that.  And yet…*sighs*.  WHAT THE FUCK, Monster Brawl???  WHAT THE FUCK?  How on earth did you ruin a flick so full of potential??  I love monsters.  I used to be really into wrestling.  Kevin Nash is in this movie for pete’s sake and I couldn’t even make it to his part.  Now if Mick Foley had been in this I would’ve stuck it out because my gosh, do I love that man.  I even read Have A Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks.  (I know, I know – how on earth am I still single??  I am SO a kickawesome catch. ;-p) But I digress…

Speaking of Foley's...

Speaking of Foley’s…

Speaking of Foley’s though, Dave Foley is in this movie and from what I saw he spends the entire time with a look upon his face that clearly indicates he has no CLUE how he got in this film.  None at all.  Also his “character” is continuously drinking from a flask…yeah, “character”…*cough cough, wink wink*


The oh so amazing "Cyclops" makeup...

The oh so amazing “Cyclops” makeup…

Oh and let’s talk about this guy for a minute, shall we?  Someone be a dear and tell me when exactly Cyclops (Cyclopses…Cyclopi…what’s the plural??) developed laser beam eyeballs that can melt the faces off people.  Because that happened.  TOTES.


Why, yes, that IS her name – “Lady Vampire”.  There’s also another woman called “Witch Bitch”.  Don’t even get me started on this bullshit.

The most boring monster fights you'll ever see...

The most boring monster fights you’ll ever see…

So to sum up – FUCK YOU, Monster Brawl.  You go hide somewhere and hang your head in shame.

P.S.  Next Classic Movie will be The Usual Suspects!

Vicious Lips – The First Five


Well, we’ve got E over at theipc to thank for this entry into The First Five.  😉  I haven’t done one of these in quite awhile and honestly I didn’t mean to do one now but my gods was this atrocious!!  Okay, not entirely E’s fault as he didn’t know – he just wanted me to a guest post over on his site and found this streaming on Netflix and suggested it and since it was already in my queue I ran with it.  Now I feel compelled to warn the world – AVOID.  Just AVOID at ALL costs.  And just forgive any cursing that may happen from this point forward, please? Geez Louise….

WHAT THE FUCK, VICIOUS LIPS??  WHAT THE FUCK??  Okay, gotta be honest here – this is really the first 22 minutes.  That’s the point where I gave in and emailed E and told him what was going on and he started yelling, “Abort! Abort!” and then there was this whole bit of mass confusion and well…yeah…I honestly don’t have a clue what this is supposed to be about other than a rock band in space.  I think.

This was there...

This was there…

Basically all I got from what I watched was this:

  • Dude looks like a lady!
  • Yowza at that guys teeth – somebody should’ve invested in braces when they were a kiddo.
  • It’s like Street Trash meets High School Musical meets The Jetsons.
  • Oh and there’s Judy Jetson?  And she sings like a guy.  Really?  Why is her name now Trudy?
  • What??  Oh wow.  Judy/Trudy has obviously been some sort of mindwashed and The Dream appears to be her trigger word because now there is some crazy punk rock video epicness happening!
  • I don’t even know if this movie is SUPPOSED to make sense.  Why did that guy just lose an eyeball?
  • Geez, if this is what MTV was like, I’m so glad I missed out on it.  This is headache inducing.
  • Wait, now Judy/Trudy can sing?  Like a girl?  And well?
  • Why did we just hear someone’s thoughts?  Is telepathy coming into play?  Or was that just a weird choice in narrative?
  • At this point, I’m just waiting for everyone in this movie to die.  That would make me happy.
  • And now Judy/Trudy has a Southern accent.  Oh for the love of…
  • Eric, I want you to know that you are NEVER picking out another movie for me to watch EVER.  Between this and The Sinful Dwarf, I’m pretty sure you hate me, which is sad-making because I am AWESOME.
  • Oh yes, filming things in neon red light makes it all SO much better.
  • Worst dance party ever.
  • So many montages.  And we’re only 22 minutes in.
  • Yeah, I want to be on drugs right now too, lady.
  • At least that one woman is dressed like a Christmas tree so this film is kind of in the spirit of the season.
  • Did I even mention that there’s spaceships? No?  Yeah, there are.
  • Spaceship crashed.  Unfortunately it looks like everyone’s still alive.

AND…that’s as far as I could go.  Just please, for your own health & safety, avoid whatever the hell this steaming pile of movie is attempting to be.  Seriously.  You’ll thank me.







The First Five – How to Kill a Judge

Today is a guest First Five from E over at theipc!  Thank you so much for contributing!!!

There’s not much that bothers me more than not completing something, be it a book or a magazine or a job or a bar of soap. But it really bothers me when I can’t finish a two hour movie for the love of Pete. I have really been enjoying watching these old 70s Italian horrors and this is what NetFlix advised I order based on my previous choices. Being stupid like I can be sometimes, I didn’t read anything about it and fired it up and my god this was the most boring and irritating thing I have seen in years.


Far from being a horror movie (this is some sort of political thing) this also came to me with subtitles. It never bothers me to “read” a movie but it can get difficult when there’s too much talking and that’s what this was. This was nothing but a bunch of people talking and talking asfastasfucking possible – in Italian – and waving their hands above their heads. And screaming. Well, it seemed like they were screaming. If you take any sort of old stereotype about an Italian man he always seems to be screaming and waving his hands in the air. And that’s what these guys were doing – the entire time.


Not only could I not keep up with the reading, so I had no idea what the fuck was going on, they were loud and it was just irritating and finally at about 30 minutes I had to call it quits. I hated that I had to quit because I really like the lead in this, Franco Nero, but this was too much. My friend Mary took it off of my hands and politely pointed out that there is a dubbed version on the disc but I was too far gone to try it again (she said it was kind of good). Anyway, I quit this stupid movie and, for posterity, I sent it over to my other  good friend Misty for all of our sakes.

Closets – The First Five

I’ve decided that every once in awhile I’m going to do a bit called “The First Five”.  Why?  Because sometimes, the first five minutes of a movie are enough to convince you that you’ve made an unwise but hilarious choice in viewing material.

For my first entry into the “First Five”, I’d like to introduce to a movie called “Closets”.  Now “Closets” came my way via a 6 movie pack I picked up called “Deadly Games” (you know those 6 packs you get at Walmart for $5?  Oh yeah…. ;)).

The first thing you should know about “Closets” is that it’s a true indie film.  So indie that the entire first scene is green screened.  As in, one guy is in a parking garage and another guy is standing in a street but it’s actually done via green screen.  Now, I was once a part of a very indie, lo-budget sci-fi webseries that was almost completely green screened so I’m not knocking the green screen….exactly.  But do you need some kind of permit to film one man in a parking garage?  Do filmmakers not sneak into places they’re not supposed to be anymore??  Anyway….this scene ends with an explosion and the death of a young girl, who was in a supernatural cage (I dunno, she was surrounded by these wavy lines??).

Our main guy is blamed for her death.  He has a trial.  They didn’t have money for a courtroom scene either.  The entire trial is intoned over shots of a woman driving down a highway, fixing her hair.  I don’t get it either.  Oh and in Arizona, you go to jail for 3 – 5 years for murder.   Does anyone else find this less than accurate?  I mean, young kid dying and all.  Fictional Arizona is apparently way more lenient than real Arizona!

Finally (after the woman is done driving), our guy gets out of prison.  The woman appears to be his wife who has remained loyal all these years.  Now it’s up to our guy to go get a job to support the family!  But wait, he has that pesky murder sentence hanging over him….so after one lousy interview where a suited man snarks to his co-worker “I remember giving those shoes to Goodwill, hahahhaaaa….” our guy is completely and totally bummed.  He goes to a bar and pulls out a handful of change and asks for whatever that will get him.  It’s about a jigger of whisky (yeah.  I used the word jigger.  Cause I’m cool like that.)  The bartender notices how depressed our guy is and offers him a magic pill.  DUDE, why do bartenders never give ME drugs????  I’m not some older guy who just got out of prison, I’m a cute chick!  We live in a messed up world, people, messed up I tell ya……Oh and the bartender gives him a shot on the house.

So what happens next?  Well after his two sips of whiskey and the happy pill, our guy heads out stumbling along the streets till he comes upon a psychic.  He goes in and meets what may be the world’s only BDSM psychic.  No hippy-dippy, flowy skirts here.  Oh no.  This chica is dressed from head to toe in black leather and spandex with a dog collar.  I don’t know whether to applaud this costume choice or cry over it.

And this, my friends, this is where I stopped…..because the first thing this psychic does is have an apparent orgasm when she gets a “vision”.  This guy lives in one seriously f’ed up world.  (I kinda want to go to there).

So will I finish “Closets”?  Hell, yeah.  How could I not??