Category Archives: Girl Gangs
Guess Who’s Back? Back Again?
Shady’s back – tell a friend! *dance break* Oops, sorry, got a little excited there for a minute…Anyway, I’m back (for today at least. and later this week. then hopefully forever and ever and ever like that creepy clowndoll you can’t get rid of but being ill makes life rarely go as planned, so we’ll see. right? 😉 ) WHY am I here? To let y’all know that the Portland Film Fest is back!!
Remember AIMY IN A CAGE from last year? The mind-blowingly, amazingly, freakishly, insanely beautiful love child of John Waters and Marc Caro/Jean-Pierre Jeunet (that is currently on Amazon Prime – hint, hint, nudge, nudge)? It was one of the AMAZING pieces from last year’s festival and this year’s line-up promises to be just as interesting! I’ll be covering the festival and reviewing films from it for the next couple of weeks, and there’s just so much diversity going on here – there are films on pinball wizards; accountants dying to be stand-up comedians; Ovarian Psycos; pot growers; guys with allergies to the sun; haunted Mediterranean islands; politically-conscious indie musicals (YES!!!); family dramas; goat farming; gang life vs. street fashion; superstar role models; and MORE…*deep breath* Whew, that’s a lot of film! Obviously, I can’t get to them all, but I’ll be getting to as many films as I can. If you’re IN Portland, however, I HIGHLY suggest you go watch these beauts for yourself!
The fourth annual Portland Film Festival will take place August 29 – September 5, 2016, at Portland’s iconic Laurelhurst Theater, and will include over 20 educational panels & forums, 12 archival presentations, and many parties, events, and industry networking opportunities throughout the week. Established in 2013, the Portland Film Festival is one of Oregon’s largest film festivals, and was named “one of the coolest film festivals in the world,” by MovieMaker Magazine. This year, the festival has programmed a near equal balance of films from men and women, furthering the festival’s commitment to supporting diverse voices and visions.
“This year’s screenings, panels, and programs are an exciting cross-section of icons of classic cinema, engaging new filmmakers, and the best of modern indie film. We’re truly proud to bring this year’s eclectic program to local audiences. We’re also thrilled that, for the first time, all of our films will screen at Portland’s historic Laurelhurst Theatre. This year’s festival will be a not-to- be-missed event,” said Josh Leake, Portland Film Festival Founder and Executive Director.
The festival will present two opening and closing night films (a documentary and a narrative film on each night) and feature films in the following sections: Narrative Competition Feature, Documentary Competition Feature, Narrative Spotlight, Stranger Than Fiction, Tribute: Visionaries, and Milestones. New this year, the festival has created a section to screen classic films from the 70’s and 80’s, and will also be honoring two iconic writers, Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club, Choke) and William F. Nolan (Logan’s Run).
Visit their site for full deets and list of films!
Bikini Bandits Experience (NSFW – SO NSFW, NSF Anything Really)
Okay, guys – here we go! I have NO idea how I’ve never come across Bikini Bandits Experience before or even this group because there are MORE MOVIES. I also have no idea how to describe this exactly. Whilst watching, I kept pondering how to go about describing the experience…so I think I’m going to try things this way.
So what else? Well, here’s a handy list:
- Penis Laser
- Amish Porn
- Devirginizing the Virgin Mary
- Corey Feldman dancing
- Bondage Gear
The only thing this movie is lacking is Japanese schoolgirls, no lie.
So yeah, you’re welcome. 😉
Killer School Girls From Outer Space
Dude, y’all! Just dude. So I followed this guy on Twitter – he had a production company named Angry Nun Productions which made me *giggle* and also reminisce on the days when I was in an improv troupe called “Nuns in Straitjackets” and worked on this sketch show called “L.A.F.F.S.” and then my mind wandered to things like School of the Holy Beast and…yeah, well, suffice it to say the whole angry nun thing really struck a chord. So we exchanged a couple of DM’s and I mentioned my site and how much I was loving the name of not only the company but also of this film because seriously y’all, just seriously look at that mother effing title!! (I get a little excited whenever I see the word “schoolgirls”…brings up some great movie moments in my mind…) Anyway, he sent me a screener and I was all prepared to have this done right after Halloween month was over and well, ya know, Sandy and all…soooo, here it finally is – Killer School Girls From Outer Space!!!!! (There are seriously NOT enough exclamation marks in the world for this shiz).
“Directed by Alexander Shumake and starring Ron Jeremy, Donny Boaz, Julin, Derek Lee Nixon, Denise Williamson, Jordan Brower, Jenny Zhang, Kaci Flores and Clem Beard, Killer School Girls From Outer Space is a low-budget throwback to the classic sci-fi and exploitation B-movies of the 50s and 60s – but with a modern sexy schoolgirl twist…” ~IMDB
The movie starts out with a quick note about how they truly dig on Roger Corman and how they aspire to be like him and how this movie is made in the same sort of way he did his early works which boils down to this is a superfun throwback to the drive-in days (E, I think you’ll love this!!!). We’re talking lovers at Lover Lane, racist ole men, spaceships and small town fun, drag races and Ron Jeremy – this has pretty much everything anyone could ever want from a movie.
The opening credits start with an army of men being attacked by schoolgirls and ends with an entirely wicked shot of a planet being blown up complete with old-timey sci-fi music (they talked about that in the directors commentary and I can’t remember the instrument they referenced…) shot with grainy, spotted film that mimics the look of instant classics such as Machete and Hobo with a Shotgun. Next up is Ben and Allison out at *insert appropriate name for makin’ out spots here* where Allison is giving Ben a BJ, after which they discuss his inner turmoil at wanting to quit the football team (he’s the quarterback of course and Allison is a cheerleader). Allison (Denise Williamson, who looks a lot like Amy Adams here) sweetly promises him she’ll always be cheering for him when they are distracted by a shooting star and decide to go check it out. Before they can make it to where the star landed, they of course have to stop at the local drive in diner/hang out (seriously, I could almost swear this was filmed in my hometown, eerie…) where they must catch up with Ben’s best bud (who promptly asks him why he’s hearing that Ben is quitting football – 5 minutes after he’s only ever told Allison and god, that cracked me up because this happens the whole movie and if you’ve never lived in a small town and by that I mean small, then you don’t know the annoyance/humor that goes with everybody knowing your business even before you do) and where Ben is promptly drug into a drag race (more accurately Chicken) with the local bad boys. The local bad boys are kinda hot, just sayin’.
Drag race/chicken game, then off to finally find the shooting star which ends up being a SPACESHIP!!! Ben and Allison also run into a burnt up Old Man Jenkins who ends up being killed in front of them and after that they are on the RUN! First place they go is the police station where they tell their story to the deputy and sheriff (the sheriff being an older fella who doesn’t cotton to dang kids these days with their rock music and their heathen ways) who don’t believe them and then a whole bunch more people die and then suddenly everybody does believe and well, I don’t wanna ruin anything here but let’s just say the ending is so awesomely and ridiculously ridiculous in that epic drive in movie way.
It should be apparent by now that I pretty much loved this movie as it’s right up my alley but here’s the thing – this is the type of movie that has to be right up your alley or you’re not going to like it. If drive in flicks and old 50s era sci-fi movies aren’t your thing, avoid this. If sometimes less than stellar, but ALWAYS effective CGI isn’t your thing, avoid this. If people exploding isn’t your thing, avoid it. If schoolgirls aren’t your thing, avoid this. You know what? If the title KILLER SCHOOL GIRLS FROM OUTER SPACE doesn’t get you all tingly and superexcited inside, then avoid this. (But how could it NOT????)
But if you’re like me (and I really think there’s a big majority of my readers who would totally groove on this here thing) and schoolgirls make you giggle like one, people exploding into bits of blood and bloody parts makes your eyes go wide in excitement and you want nothing more than to keep repeating this title in that way that only Samuel L. Jackson can, by repeatedly saying “Mothereffing killer school girls from mothereffing outer space!!”, then this movie is made with you specifically in mind. And you will love it.
You can find the trailer HERE along with how to order, should you be interested. Plus there’s other cool stuffs that come with such as a bonus dvd on how to be an indie filmmaker which I personally totally dig on since I’m into that kinda thing. You’ll also find all the lovely photos that I heisted from (and linked back) with the trailer! Killer School Girls from Outer Space is a wicked fun time, just like making it with your old lady down at the drive-in!
Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash
There’s nothing coherent in Bikini Bloodbath Carwash so really there’s nothing coherent in what I am about to say which is again stream of consciousness because really that’s the only way to get through things like this. Why do I do this to myself? *shakes head*
- Naked girls dancing.
- Directed and written by : Who the Fuck Cares (no really, that’s what it says!)
- Professor hitting on girls in an odd way.
- “I love Southern men. Mmmm, fried chicken!”
- A group of guys wearing shirts that say “College Student”
- Why is this professor wearing a weird Popeye hat?
- Sharon needs serious help with her grades. Popeye just told her she’s getting fat.
- What the hell? WHAT THE HELL?? I don’t even know if this is offensive. Or what level of offensive it is.
- Well, that was a waste of good coffee.
- What college has lockers?
- Apparently this movie will involve spanking…
- This woman wants to be Janeane Garofalo…
- Scrub and wax, ladies, scrub and wax…
- Poor Sharon’s having a rough day. *shakes head*
- Lesbian oral sex
- I’m positive washing cars with body parts is an excellent way to get your car clean.
- Oh dear god, someone’s about to be served. This just got EPIC!!
- Funny, guys break dancing has never turned me on like that. Apparently something is wrong with me.
- “Hey sexy lady, you have strong meat fingers.”
- Oh hell yes, girl gang fight/dance off with knives. I am in LOVE.
- This may be the best thing I have ever witnessed in my life. I am doing this. I am fighting a girl in this style.
- Well, this seance came on rather quickly. And that is the most ghetto homemade ouija board ever.
- Wait, some girl killed a chef? And sodomy upsets Jenny.
- Killed a monstrous chef with a rake. And apparently the ouija board just called up his spirit. Okay, now I’m on top of this. Kinda. Sorta.
- Shower scene, shower scene, shower scene…
- Back to Popeye the professor. He’s not in the shower scene just to clarify. And his name is Professor Shipwreck. Apparently he teaches physics…with gasoline and basketballs…and discusses how babies are made…
- Why does everyone hate Sharon?? I’m so tired of them telling her she’s fat because um, no…
- Ike has a really nice, thick and bushy mustache.
- “What I don’t get is that Professor Shipwreck was telling me that if I showed him my b’s he’d give me an A….” “It’s probably the metric system.” “You are SO smart.”
- Finally some killing! And intestine sucking.
- Pretty sure I would appreciate half the scenes in this movie more if I was a guy or a lesbian.
- “I want to get a mustache ride.” HA!
- Apparently, it’s a common problem for ghosts to take shits in house and not clean them up.
- “And bring some motherfucking tapioca pudding!” “That’s weird…but okay!”
- Axe to the head with neon red blood! This killer chef should be killing with like cooking instruments.
- “What have you done with your hair? It’s so much more pubic than I recall!”
- “What did you think of that knife fight?” “I want a monkey!” “Me too!!” Hugs.
- And…I think I just lost my fondness for guys with long hair after this scene….
- Oh good, killer chef is going to save Peaches from her would be transvestite rapist! And now he’s using cooking utensils to kill!
- AHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHH. Oh god, oh god, oh god, that was horrible. He just cut off that guy’s nipple and it was horrible and then he stuck it to Peaches head.
- Camel Toe Liquor. *sighs*
- Worst chugger ever.
- The complete ridiculousness of these caricatures are just insane. And this is the lamest party ever. Now, I could tell you some stories about parties…oh could I ever…and if these people don’t stop dancing I just might.
- Still dancing….so this one time in college there was this party that became known in the epic after tales as Boobie Bungalow…there was a lot of – wait, they finally stopped dancing! Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
- I think they’re trying to recreate the final scene of Revenge of the Nerds here and it’s failing epically.
- What is this weird cup flipping and drinking game?
- Yay killer chef!!! Why does he only show up like every 20 minutes. It feels like hours in between his appearances. This whole movie feels like it’s been on for 800 years. Oh dear, it’s only been on 45 minutes. And since when did this chef apparently try to kill everybody else in the past? Why is that guy deep throating his beer bottle?
- I will never get in a hot tub again.
- Um..football players have shower buddies?
- Sometimes even I question why I watch these things. I think I need a beer.
- Did he just give his football player friend a bj in the hot tub? And then says he’s been going to the bathroom in the hot tub the whole time? Oh, it’s because he misses his mom. Of course.
- Killer chef!! Drowning in hot tub! And chopping onions?
- I don’t think anyone in this movie likes anyone else in this movie. There is a LOT of physical violence happening and not by killer chef.
- Tricycles of the apocalypse…I need to use that phrase in conversation more often.
- Do we really need to see the pee going into the toilet? Oh hey, Killer Chef!! He totally just sullied that cute shirt that said Hooker.
- I don’t…what? What? I can’t even follow…I just…I have no words…I…
- 12 minutes left. Just 12 more minutes.
- I always want waffles after I discover dead friends too. It’s only natural.
- We need weapons…but not the police. Because calling the police would just be silly. Instead we’ll fight the killer chef off with balloons and baseball bats.
- Professor Shipwreck gets hit in the balls a lot.
- This reminds me of Broken Lizard’s Club Dread except for the fact that THAT was a good movie.
- Ooohhhh, I think killer chef’s power lays in his hat!
- Hahahaha, that totally made me laugh! Someone is using the power of “hiding under the blanket makes you invisible to monsters” method.
- TONG FIGHT!!
- Well, good for fat Sharon. She went to get waffles so I bet she’ll live.
- Everybody in this film is wearing pink. I think I want to wear pink more often.
- Killer Chef has lost his head!
- And now the last two standing are going to join Sharon for waffles.
Well, that was certainly on helluva ride, boys and girls. Far from being the worst thing I’ve ever seen, I’m certainly not better off having seen it. But on the plus side I picked up some knife fighting/dance techniques and I don’t feel a need to take a shower so all in all, a ridiculously stupid time!
Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood! is a tough act to follow but here goes…..it’s time, boys and girls, for the oh so classic Switchblade Sisters! It’s hard to decide my favorite thing about this movie. Is it the fact that a member of a girl gang goes by the name Donut and her only discernible skill is cake decorating? Or that fact that this girl gang is run by a 12 year old? Maybe it’s the pure awesomeness of the 1970s having been a post-apocalyptic era (why wasn’t this mentioned in history class?)? All I know is that I immediately fell in love with Switchblade Sisters.
I’m a fan of girl gang cinema and while they’re mostly fun to watch, this movie is downright hilarious in a straight up must be mocked way. See, there’s this gang called “The Dagger Debs” (a fearful moniker if ever I did hear one!). They’re the bad ass sister (wife?) group to “The Silver Daggers” and they fight just as rough of their boys. So one day a new girl named Maggie arrives in town. Of course by the end of day one, she’s been arrested along with the Dagger Debs and thrown in juvie where a lecherous female warden tries to make it with her. Cause that’s how it ALWAYS plays, boys and girls, always. Anyway, Maggie earns the trust of Lace, the leader of the DD’s and since she gets out before Lace, she’s entrusted with some super important girl gang errands, including taking a note to Lace’s boyfriend who promptly rapes her.
There’s also a one eyed girl named Patch (cause there’s always a one eyed girl) who’s jealous of Lace’s new friend, Maggie. Uh-oh……Lace eventually gets out of juvie and tells rapist boyfriend that she’s pregnant and he’s all, “Dude, I’m not the dad. That’s crazy talk, yo.” Boyfriend’s got enough to worry about with the new deadly rival gang led by a guy named Crabs (hermit crabs? STD crabs?). Anyway, from there all hell breaks loose and people die and more people get raped and then there’s the addition of an African-American militant girl gang and then there’s a wicked awesome knife fight and the DD’s get a name change to “The Jezebels” (which I much prefer) and more people die and so on and so forth.
Girl gangs in the 70s had full access to automatic weapons and hand grenades.
Guy gangs had fronts for their activities and secretaries to handle their oh so busy nefarious schedules.
Chains are cool, y’all.
A jacket can be used as a weapon.
So sit back, relax and enjoy the hell out of Switchblade Sisters!