Category Archives: French Cinema
I am The Ripper
It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, so let’s see how it goes. Entering Misty’s stream of consciousness in 3, 2, 1….
- Freakannibal Pictures – so far I like this.
- Um….what? Please tell me the entire movie isn’t filmed on a home camera.
- “Take a look at yourself. You’re black, you’re equipped” dude grabs other dude’s crotch…
- Orgasmatron. My new favorite word.
- Did I mention this is a foreign film?
- Apparently this was made before Alien vs. Predator cause two dudes are having an argument about who would win.
- Wait, Harry Potter is in this??
- Is Predator really art?
- Seriously how old is this movie??
- This party sucks.
- That guy just said “I have ants in my pants” while wondering where all the women are. Wait, I watched that movie already. It was called “Antfarm Dickhole”…
- Great, now Netflix is having trouble loading this cinematic masterpiece. *sighs*
- This is taking forever. So…so far we’ve got a group of kids that are at a party being filmed with a really really lousy camera; a hot chick that’s really into comics and nerdy guys; a guy I’m pretty sure is my ex-boyfriend; Harry Potter; and a bunch of dudes making asses of themselves trying to get laid. I am VERY excited for the killer to come along!
- Still waiting on Netflix to load…so…um…it’s been snowy a lot…yeah…I got new tires on my car! But now I apparently need like $900 worth of more work done. So that sucks.
- Oh wait, movie is back!
- “A blond with culture? Now I’ve seen everything!” This movie is so charming…
- I think Yann is about to die!!
- Apparently this guy doesn’t get out much because he just got way too excited about a t.v. and peanuts.
- Oh thank goodness someone is dying. Maybe the rest of them will now too. They really are a disgusting bunch of kids, no lie. Some guy just came while this girl was making out with him and everyone’s mocking him now, lol. He needs new trousers.
- Now Cecile (because apparently that’s her name) is all over Harry Potter who’s fondling a stuffed animal boa constrictor.
- More death??
- Dude, the Ripper just ninja’d that girl’s head!
- Blood’s dripping from the ceiling and this witty guy asks the girl sitting next to him if she’s having her period.
- Yay! The Ripper just showed up to the party with the girl’s head and started killing!! And some guy is being a bad ass and karate chopping him. w00t!
- OW. Dude did the splits only to get his leg broken. And then he died. Is “poof” an insult? I think these kids are French.
- Oooohhh, the kids are stuck in a loop! They can only just go back to the living room they were partying in. Yet, they’re still trying to run…five minutes later…*sighs* These guys are not too bright. And every time they enter the living room, this one kid falls onto his knees, screaming “No!!!!!!!”. *giggles*
- Now, the guy who came while he was making out is beating to death Cecile while some other guy laughs hysterically in the background. Oh wait, she’s okay. Cum Guy is a douchebag and a half.
- Oh no! I think Comic Book Hottie is about to die!
- Now Comic Book Hottie is going around trying to kill people. I’m going to assume that the Ripper is a spirit and not a person. How much longer is this movie? Oh lord, an hour and eleven minutes. We’ve only covered 21 minutes.
- Wait, now the Ripper is with the other group (cause they split up) and now everyone has guns. And he just punched a guy’s head in. I’m so confused.
- Comic Book Hottie just ripped my ex-boyfriend looking dude’s heart out. And knifed/sworded ….
- Wait, where did the machine guns come from? I think everybody is almost dead so how on earth is this another hour and some odd minutes?
- What is up with all the guys in this movie punching girls?? What a bunch of a-holes
- Awww, good for that one girl, she just stabbed one of the dudes that punched her with a pair of scissors.
- Okay…so the Ripper is just a skeleton. And he told these two kids to look behind them and now there’s really bad CGI and they’re terrified!
- They’re also getting ripped apart by heavy metal concert rejects that I’m taking to be some sort of demons or something, I should probably add that.
- Looks like we’re down to one guy and he’s fighting the Ripper, both with guns again, and I think we still have an hour left of this thing. And um, the bullets are cartoon bullets.
- Aw, dude’s gun is out of bullets and the Ripper is bored. But dude went to look for another weapon so it’s all cool and shiz. Well, except the Ripper got tired of waiting and is kicking his ass.
- And…the Ripper just showed him the bad CGI and now dude is crying!
- Oh, snap. The Ripper just challenged him to a duel! A wrestling match. He said “I’ll be the Undertaker and you can be Hulk Hogan”. Ha!
- Okay, Dude has to take a rest and then train for 24 hours. Then they have the wrestling match. Oh, and they’re meeting in a public place tomorrow for this match apparently.
- I bet we get a training montage now!!
- Netflix just stopped again. This movie hates me!
- So…yeah…how’s everybody doing? Handling the cold okay and all? I, for one, cannot WAIT for spring!
- So the Ripper is actually the Grim Reaper. So I guess instead of playing chess, they’re doing it old school wrestling style.
- Instead of training, Dude is seeing what’s on t.v. NOT watching wrestling but watching some toys fighting. He’s super smart. y’all.
- Oh, HERE’s the nudity we were lacking the rest of the movie. Watching porn will definitely help him battle the Grim Reaper.
- Aw, Grimmie killed the porn lady while he says “You’ve got nothing better to do than watch rubbish, you have 21 hours left.”
- Now Dude has decided he’s going to commit suicide in the middle of the street. And then two of his dead friends come back with guns and start shooting random bystanders. I’m still confused…
- This was made in 2004. Is all this gun violence supposed to be some sort of political statement?
- Okay, dude succeeded in killing himself so I guess there’s no wrestling match?? Dammit, I was looking forward to that!
- He’s talking to all his dead friends now and his friends are saying that Grimmie gave them two options – either go to hell or work for him. So they decided to work for Grimmie or “the Big Boss” as they call him. And now that Dude is dead, Grimmie says no wrestling match but Dude has to kill someone he loved while he was alive.
- Oh, wait, Comic Book Hottie is apparently still alive so Dude has to kill her! Otherwise all his friend’s contracts will be up and everybody goes to hell.
- THERE’S STILL 46 MINUTES LEFT IN THIS MOVIE. I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN TAKE IT.
- A third friend has shown up saying he’s actually an angel and infiltrated their group. But now he thinks there are better benefits working for Death.
- Comic Book Hottie is really confused and pissed off upon seeing Dude. Thinking Dude is going to up and kill her like he’s supposed to. Wait, no, he’s walking away.
- Sorry guys, the movie has gotten way less fun and way more boring now.
- They all just got randomly shot by someone in an elevator…
- Dude went back to see Comic Book Hottie but he’s now saving her from his dead friends. And there’s a lot of guns again.
- Random goth girl.
- Lots of fighting.
- Oh, goth girl is an Angel of Death. She told dead friend #1 to bring her Dude because he failed in killing Comic Book Hottie and his soul now belongs to goth girl.
- Comic Book Hottie wouldn’t stop shouting that Dude was a coward and had no balls so he finally shot her.
- Another shoot out between two dead guys.
- Now the angels are fighting…
- Goth girl/Angel of Death told Dude that his soul belongs to her and she’ll come back and take it whenever she wants. I really wish she’d come do that now. But instead he goes to some Halloween party at some bar.
- And there’s still 22 minutes left. I think I’m going to skip watching the band “sing” and go make a sandwich.
- Oh joy. The goth girl/Angel of Death is back and now there’s another shoot out in the bar. This movie isn’t predictable at all. Nope. I wonder what will happen next? Oh. Another fight. Of course. *sighs*
- Goth girl/Angel of Death just lost her head. Man, that sucks.
- Yay! Grimmie showed back up! They’re finally going to have their duel!
- They’re dueling with daggers or some shiz. Worst duel EVER.
- Uh-oh. Grimmie is in trouble for killing people whenever he wants! Now he’s dueling a whole committee of men in masks with his apparently brand new super powers. He thinks he’s a Jedi, ha!
- Now Grimmie is being punished and wants Dude to become Death. And Dude is all, “What a load of rubbish.”
- And then Dude’s face exploded all over the place and he became Death.
THE FREAKING END.
So to sum up, I’m sure there was some sort of meta or existentialist message here somewhere but I totally missed it, although I do have to admit that for being incredibly lo-budget, the cinematography wasn’t that bad (especially considering it was 2004) but still watch this one at your own risk.
A tire comes to life and uses it’s psychic powers to kill people by blowing their heads up. It sounds like a pretty simplistic film, right? Maybe even a short film you’d find on Youtube that was created by a bunch of adolescent boys aspiring to be the next Spielberg. Oh, and speaking of Spielberg–why was E.T. brown?………..No reason. And therein lies the beauty of Rubber.
The movie opens with a Man standing in the desert behind an obstacle course of chairs. Out of the distance comes a cop car that proceeds to smash all the chairs before stopping in front of the Man. From the trunk emerges the Sheriff who casually takes a glass of water from the other cop driving the car and comes up to tell the audience about the film we’re about to witness. Only he’s not talking to us, he’s talking to the random group of people who appear behind the Man. They’re in the desert to watch a movie, a movie that according to the Sheriff has no reason. Because life is full of no reason. And from there the audience (us and them) watches as a tire comes to life and realizes it’s potential for killing, strangers meet and intersect in patternless ways and the Man follows the orders of an invisible Master. Why? No reason.
On the surface, “Rubber” is a B-movie but one that’s beautifully shot with gorgeous scenery and sunsets. It’s also an absurdist comedy in the vein of “Wilhelm Reich in Hell”. But maybe, just maybe there’s more to it than that. Now this is merely speculation on my part but underneath the exploding heads and one-off jokes, “Rubber” is a film about senselessness. Senseless violence has become a way of life and is unfortunately all to easily ignored. Senseless poverty goes unseen and unheeded every day. Hunger and homelessness are worldwide problems with no end in sight. Scenes of the Audience correlate to the action in the “movie” they’re watching in their decension upon each other after more than a few days in the desert with no food. What starts as simple annoyance and sniping with each other turns our Audience into a ravenous horde whose downfall is their inability to simply get along and work together.
Several scenes in this film involve the act of ignoring, from latent child abuse to environmental destruction. Then there’s the acts of impatience and the quest for fame. We want what we want and we want it now and there’s many in the world that want their fifteen minutes.
So maybe “Rubber” is a social commentary about the state of mankind. Or maybe it’s just a story about a tire that likes to blow up heads. Either way, it’s an interesting film and I’d say your time is much better spent watching this than the new Legos movie that’s supposedly coming out……