Category Archives: Creature Feature
Thankskilling
It’s a day late but yesterday was a busy day so I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
I present to you the cinematic masterpiece and the perfect Thanksgiving movie: Thankskilling! Now this was the perfect movie for the day after Thanksgiving – epically stupid and epically funny and epically ridiculous. Here in all its glory is the play by play recap!
- This movie starts with a nipple shot – how on earth can it be bad?
- Wait, did Pilgrim women not wear shirts? Nobody ever told me they were nudists, dammit.
- That turkey just said “Nice tits, bitch.” I love this movie so much.
- I am so naming my kids General Bastard and Wanda Lust.
- Since when do kids get so excited about Thanksgiving they start ripping their clothes off?
- He just referred to his bicep as a Weapon of Mass Destruction…
- I’m fairly certain this is set in Alabama just from the characters.
- Lassie dog!!!
- Oh yeah. This is SO set in Alabama. Just waiting for the rebel flag to pop up at this point…
- “What’s poon??” *sighs*
- Cheesiest flashback in the history of cinema, wow.
- “I’m going to go skinny dipping without any clothes on.” ~Nerdy guy is nerdy and pervy.
- “Allie, you’re kind of a ho. Not gonna lie, you’re kinda skanky.”
- Oh great, Lassie’s pissing on an Indian totem. No way is this going to end well.
- Evil turkey!!
- Uh-oh, RIP Lassie.
- Oh no! The car is breaking down! Now all the teenagers will be in terrible danger.
- Dude, there’s ancient Pilgrim history happening now! In cartoon form! Some Pilgrim pissed off an Indian and now there’s a curse – it’s the killer turkey!! Homicidal turkey fun!
- Turkeyologists?? I suspect that is not a real thing…
- This killer turkey thinks he’s Freddy Krueger with the quips.
- I feel compelled to go out to the backyard, drop to my knees and scream “Damn you turkey, damn you!!!” just like that hillbilly did. It’s the day after Thanksgiving, I think it would be entirely appropriate.
- Did you know turkeys see things in purple and white?
- Nerd boy is totes a future serial killer.
- The turkey scare tactics involve throwing baby bunnies into the fire pit.
- Aw, poor Billy. He’s been reduced to feeling up his own boobs. And now he’s waking up to a hillbilly with a shotgun and turkey droppings on his chest. This is SO not Billy’s day.
- Wait – nobody died camping and they got the car to work the next day. What the hell kind of movie is this??
- WTF?? WTF?? Why did some dude just see killer turkey on the side of the road, pull over to pick him up and then try to screw him? What world do these people live in where they pick up hitchhiking turkeys??
- Whoever wrote this seems to have an obsession with Jon Benet Ramsey.
- Oh Johnny, it can’t be good when you ask your dad a question and he farts in reply. He really does hate you for being pushed back to second string quarterback.
- ……………….okay, sorry, I had to pick myself up from where I just fell onto the floor laughing………..
- Ah, sex fully clothed, of course.
- Oh c’mon. I do NOT need to see turkey/human sex. What the hell Thankskilling? Why the hell do I always end up watching movies with shit like this in them? Why the hell are there SO many of them?
- Gravy flavored condom *shudders*
- Hide yo wife, hide yo kids, y’all.
- Scooby gang moment – they’re headed to check out some books to find out how to beat the baddie!
- Why is everyone acting like a talking turkey is perfectly normal? Why is this man dressed as a turkey? Why is the turkey having coffee with this guy and discussing the weather?
- These people are clearly living in an alternate universe where everyone is an IDIOT.
- Turkey’s gone all Leatherface.
- Oh hells yeah, book reading montage with hip hop music. EPIC.
- To kill the turkey they must FIRST solve a mathematical code. Math bores Billy.
- “I know we took the Indians’ land but we gave them casinos, doesn’t that make up for it?” *facepalm*
- No, Johnny, things definitely will never be the same again, not even if you defeat the killer turkey.
- To defeat the turkey you must burn it at the stake and chant a demonic prayer backwards, in unison. THAT is what the mathematical code said.
- How did the turkey get the ability to turn itself into a cartoon turkey dinner to entice Billy? Native American’s did NOT have cartoons, y’all. No way did the necromancer throw that shiz into the curse.
- I HATE Nerd Boy. I LOVE Killer Turkey.
- Oh there’s a killer turkey/Billy love song!!!
- After a long day of killing, there’s nothing killer turkeys like more than a nice salad.
- Yay Hillbilly! Way to shoot that turkey!
- Hey, just because like 10 people died tonight is NO reason we should call the police or anything. Instead let’s go watch a movie, eat popcorn and hang out with Kristen’s dead dad.
- Oh dayum, Hillbilly shot Killer Turkey into a dumpster that was full of RADIOACTIVE WASTE!!! Radioactive Killer Turkey is pecking Nerd Boy to death. Oh and he’s glowing green.
- That’s right Nerd Boy, follow your bestie Billy into that white light. No turkeys in heaven.
- Turkeys like killing people with easily found kitchen objects. The more you know…
- That’s so convenient that there was a pile of sticks RIGHT THERE for the flaming turkey to fly into!
- And now, the Last Girl Standing enjoys a fine turkey meal.
- Who has one turkey, one bowl of stuffing and one pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving? We had enough food to feed an army yesterday.
- Oh noes! Turkey dinner has jumped off the plate yelling, “Do I smell a sequel??”
And there you have it! So sit back and enjoy an extra helping of turkey!
Catacombs
Halloween month continues with Catacombs
Anyway, Victoria (Shannyn Sossamon), a girl in desperate need of food because she has heroin chic down pat, receives a postcard from her sister (Pink) in Paris that simply states “Come to Paris, it’ll be good for you.” Victoria’s never been away from home and suffers from a multitude of ailments (never fully explained except for her extreme anxiety) and has a multitude of pill bottles to take care of herself with but she flies to Paris to see her sister (who’s really kind of obnoxious). Once there Pink takes her to a massive rave held in the catacombs beneath Paris where a group of her friends tell Victoria about a killer who lives in the catacombs. Raised by a Satanic cult, “the Antichrist” feeds off people who get lost down there.
Wanna come play with me? I’m really just super lonely…
So what happens next? Well, duh. The Antichrist comes out to play after the police raid the rave and Victoria gets trampled on and knocked out and then lost in the catacombs.
This movie led to an in depth discussion between my roomie and myself about how well we would fare if we were lost in catacombs. We also discussed my inability to tread water which is actually relevant to this film.
The Good:
- I love the fact that this is set in catacombs. Visually it’s creepy because the main characters are surrounded by bones the entire time and it’s also really insanely beautiful the art down there. I also am not familiar with any other “lost in the catacombs” movies so yay for a new place to be lost in!
- I enjoyed the fact that Pink was in it and didn’t suck.
- The ending was pretty great I thought. Nothing highly special but I actually didn’t like the movie until the ending.
The Bad:
- I didn’t like the movie until the ending. I thought the ending really turned the whole thing around but um…I spent the majority of the movie wishing it would hurry up and be over so I can’t say it was entirely worth it.
- The girl playing Victoria – her audition must’ve consisted of “Yes, scream for me.”….”Okay, say ‘Stop! Go away!'” and that must’ve really been it because yeah, she’s alone for a vast majority of this movie and the dialogue leaves a lot to be desired.
- There was a particular plot device used (a person to help out in the catacombs) that I just hated. It was moot and I think they only threw it in because they realized one person alone screaming in catacombs for 45 minutes does not a movie make.
I think I can sum up this movie best with what I repeatedly said to my roommate through out:
“We need to watch The Descent next. It’s the same premise but a million times better.”
Black Sheep
Not to be confused with the Chris Farley movie, Black Sheep (Unrated)
“You fucker!”
“Actually, it was more like a sperm sample…”
“You wanker!”
*giggles* It’s fun to try to work that into conversation.
Sheep are not as cute and cuddly as you think, oh no!
Hailing from New Zealand and bringing us some fresh new territory in the form of were-sheep, this is a cautionary tale against genetic engineering. Our hero (who incidentally after growing up on a sheep farm, has a phobia of sheep) returns home to sell his part of the farm to his brother who has been raising sheep on it this whole time. Unfortunately (or rather, fortunately for us), it turns out that his brother (who is oh so deliciously evil and slimy) has been doing experiments on the sheep, trying to create a perfect specimen. Of course the experiments go horribly wrong and the next thing you know you’ve got sheep attacking and eating humans who then turn into gigantic sheep themselves.
Aw, c’mon, I just wanna give ya a little nibble!
I know, I know, it sounds incredibly cheesy (and I guess it is a little) but more importantly it’s HILARIOUS. And disgusting. There are some definite gory blood and guts shots so this isn’t so much for the weak stomached crowd.
See? Just a nibble…
If you’re looking for a bit of a different horror comedy, definitely check this one out!
Ginger Snaps
Today was supposed to be a review of The Sinful Dwarf but apparently the universe has decided I shouldn’t watch this movie because it’s making it really, really hard for me to find and watch. So I am sooooo sorry, theipc!!! I’m sincerely hoping to have the movie in hand in time to watch and review for Friday!
I really don’t have the words to describe my overwhelming adoration of Ginger Snaps
See Ginger. See Ginger snap!
Ginger (Isabelle) and Brigitte (Perkins) are an unusually close pair of sisters who live by the mantra “Out by sixteen or dead on the scene, but together forever.” Gloriously goth (I think it was still called goth in this era), the sisters do all sorts of fun things like creating gruesome death scenes and taking photos or playing “Search and Destroy” at school (pick out a person and describe how they’ll die). The Fitzgerald girls have some issues.
We may or may not kill you and ourselves. We haven’t decided yet.
On the eve of her first period, Ginger gets bitten by a werewolf and starts to undergo some….unusual changes, while Brigitte races to find a way to cure her of her newfound sexin’, partyin’, killin’ and eatin’ people tendencies (which is mostly achieved by hanging out with the school druggie – dude’s smarter than your average pothead!) during which time Ginger slips further and further away from her sister. Seriously, this movie has everything. Family drama, werewolves, gothiness to the core. And the best part? It’s the first of a trilogy. While this one is fine as a standalone, the other two aren’t terrible to watch at all. They don’t compare but they’re nice little bonuses in the Fitzgerald story. Oh!! And Mimi Rogers plays their mom. You may know her as Tom Cruise’s first wife.
Chill, B. I was hungry.
If you’re not already enticed into watching this (and seriously I don’t understand how that could be except for how I can’t seem to truly find the words for this epicness), I leave you with some awesome quotes and the trailer:
The fuck, B. This is your idea. If you don’t like your ideas, stop having them.
A girl can only be a slut, a bitch, a tease, or the virgin next door.
Brigitte: Are you *sure* it’s just cramps?
Ginger: Just so you know… the words “just” and “cramps,” they don’t go together.
Ginger: Think she’s pretty?
Brigitte: If I wasn’t here would you eat her?
I get this ache… And I, I thought it was for sex, but it’s to tear everything to fucking pieces.
The Terror Within
It’s fairly safe to say that I pretty much LOVED The Terror Within. It’s amazingly cheesetastic (thank you 1989!) dystopia with a dash of fun.
The story starts with a group of people in a bunker – there’s only a handful because it seems most of humanity was wiped out by something only vaguely referenced as “the accident”. There are other groups of people out there (one of the issues this group faces is that their radio contact goes out another bunker) but it’s not really explained why these people aren’t just living together in one big bunker society. A couple of the group are out scavenging on the surface for food and supplies (living up top is a big NO NO!) and get attacked. So of course another couple of people go out to find them and boy are they all careless and tra-la-la about the fact that at any given moment they could die due to the BIG BAD that is of yet only peripherally mentioned. Seriously, they’re laughing and joking and just enjoying being in the sunshine. They KNOW that two of their peeps just died – what is wrong with these people?
Hey ma, look, no hands!
While out, they find a camp that’s pretty much been ripped to shreds along with the people that were in it (this totally puts a damper on their frolicking). They also discover a survivor, a beautiful woman who is terrified of them and whatever’s after her. They convince/kidnap her to take her back to Bunker Land all the while exclaiming over how neat it is they found her since people can’t live on the surface anymore. Once back at BL, they run tests on her and care for her injuries only to find out that she’s PREGNANT!!!! Seems pregnancy is a thing of the past also, that or just really rare. But uh-oh…when they brought her in she was three months pregnant but now, 20 minutes later she’s six months pregnant! *cue spooky evil music* Wanna know why? Because THIS is the daddy!
Hey baby…
WTF? See this is why people have to live underground in Bunker Land. These things (which are oddly and to me hilariously called “Gargoyles”) are a result of “the accident”. Not sure what they were doing before but now they’re running around impregnating any woman they can get their hands…paws…um..you get the idea…on. NOT PRETTY.
What follows is a straight up Alien rip-off, complete with baby gargoyle ripping it’s way out of it’s mother’s stomach and a battle for survival within the confines of the bunker. Who lives, who dies? Can these people ever go up top again? How can these things spawn interspecies’lly? Is interspecies’lly a real word??
The best part? There’s a second one! Yay!! It’s not on Netflix streaming so I haven’t watched it yet but I am very excited about this. Full of nudity, blood and silliness, this is definitely a good way to pass the time!
Vampire Bats
I so very much wanted to finish up Creature Feature week here on CS with another shark flick but alas, it seems I can only watch “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” on Youtube, in five minute increments, and I have not the time at the moment to do so. So instead I go with Vampire Bats
It’s not that there was anything wrong with the movie per se. You know, animals and people start showing up dead and drained of blood and generally just looking pretty gross. And Lawless is a college professor who feels a need to investigate this and of course a group of ragtag college kids decides they simply must help her out. Then there’s her husband who gets cranky with her for investigating the vampire bats because they have two little kids and dammit why can’t she just stay home and be a good mother (or something). And he has a really annoying sister (Brett Butler) who always watches the kids but cleans the house and rearranges things and organizes (yeah, totally see how that’s annoying). And…the kids figure out how to get rid of the bats and then there’s a bad guy at the last minute and something about the environment. The End.
You guys *do* realize I’m, like, totally going to jail if something happens to you out here, right?
And maybe that was the problem for me. A movie about vampire bats should be FUN, dammit. And this was not in any way, shape or form, fun for me. I spent most of the movie wondering if Brett Butler just can’t do any other accent than her Southern one and if not why they cast her in a movie where she’s the only one who sounds Southern because where are they all living then? Or does she just follow her brother and sister-in-law around when they move? ‘Cause, yeah, that’s a little creepy and a little annoying, for reals.
So….I dunno. Watch at your own risk or maybe if you have a penchant for vampire bats or cheesy movies that take themselves really seriously?
Shark Night
We continue “Creature Feature” week here on Cinema Schminema with the “far-superior to 2-Headed Shark Attack
A gang of college pals decides to head up to their friend’s lake house for some much needed fun in the sun. Sara, the girl whose parents own the lake house, is quiet and reserved and Nick has a wicked crush on her. The rest of the group consists of an almost unrecognizable Katherine McPhee (at least for me. After “Smash”, I had to double check online to make sure this was actually her because her character of Karen on the hit or maybe not a hit musical t.v. show is such a sweet little wimp most of the time that her character here was a breath of fresh air. Anyone else watch “Smash”? Just me? Oh wait, I’m completely off topic…..)…..um yeah, so McPhee, token black guy, token girl of mixed ethnicity and two other dudes. Of course, as soon as they reach the island they hit trouble in the form of Sara’s ex-boyfriend and his best friend, the token redneck. Seems island folk don’t take too kindly to edumacated college folk, ya’ll. Finally, they reach the lake house and the festivities begin with a little water skiing….and then almost immediately there’s a shark attack. I like the “not too much exposition, let’s get straight to the blood” attitude they took here. Of course, the first victim is token black guy and he gets his arm ripped off. He’s still alive and of course Nick is pre-med so they’re able to at least temporarily staunch the blood flow giving him extra screen time.
You took my arm, now I take your life. Revenge is sweet, motherfucker.
What follows is a lot of “Omg, there’s a shark!” “We’re on a lake! How could there be a shark??” “We can’t leave the island because of the shark!!” “Our cell phones don’t work and we have no way of calling for help!” and shark attack and so on and so forth until….THE BIG TWIST. It’s huge and it’s epic and it’s sooooooo ridiculous that I almost cried from laughing so hard (here’s a hint – someone’s been watching WAYYY too much t.v.).
Couple of questions – how common is this having a lakehouse on an island and not having any means of communication thing? Seriously, no radio or anything? Are lakehouses magically protected from harm most of the time? And if you knew there was a shark in the water WHY WOULD YOU REPEATEDLY GO IN SAID WATER??? There’s a reason I don’t go in oceans or lakes and that’s because I KNOW something will eat me. I do not chance fate like that. Crazy college kids.
Not bad for a shark movie by any means so if you’re itching for some bloody action, give it a whirl.
Cinema Schminema 