7 Below

7belowOh, 7 Below, you were such a disappointment. *sighs*  I mean, I wasn’t exactly expecting too much from a movie I’d never heard of featuring Val Kilmer but still.  How is it possible for one movie to be SOOOO boring??  Especially when you’re supposed to be a horror/mystery/thriller…at least I think that’s what you were attempting to be…

Ooohhh, scary old-fashioned children!!

Ooohhh, scary old-fashioned children!!

K, so we start out with these kidlets and the rest of their family back in old-fashioned times (yes, that’s what I’m calling it now when I can’t remember what the actual year was).  Creepy boy there decides that it’d be super fun to kill his whole fam so he does.  Then we flash forward to the present where there’s a whole bunch of people on a bus going…um…somewhere…maybe a retreat?  Anyway, Val Kilmer is there and he STILL does not look like he did when he played Jim Morrison and was totes a hottie and I think that makes him a little sad sometimes.  But his character is this total jerkface who cheats on his wife.  Then there’s a pair of brothers and a doctor with an accent.  And a girl who works at a gas station who has an accent.  Then there’s Ving Rhames, who when this bus breaks down, shows up and invites them all to his house.  And when they get there he’s like, “Yeah, there’s no phone.  You guys are fucked.” Totes random and weird.

I'm such a douche, la, la, lala!

I’m such a douche, la, la, lala!

Then people start dying or something but it’s really boring so I stopped paying so attention.  And the doctor with the accent is a terrible, terrible actor who basically repeated the same line over and over “I don’t know how this happened!” in a wooden, emotionless voice.  We get it Dr. Accent, no need to repeat yourself 800 times seriously.  I think he was the 2nd to die though so that was good.  And then, I dunno, there was something about the house being a time warp (but not the fun Rocky Horror kind) and everybody on the bus was a reincarnation of the family from old-fashioned times or something and Ving Rhames was the devil.  I think.  It really didn’t make a lot of sense.

Tis a silly movie, no fun whatsoever.  Boo hiss!

About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2013.3.October, in American Cinema, American Indie, Horror, psychological thriller and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. thewriterscafe247

    Thanks a lot!!! I love reading negative reviews. Not that I love negativity but I love know what movies NOT to see. I avoided this one as soon as I heard Val Kilmer’s name, now I have an extra reason. Thanks

  2. Val Kilmer could have been so great but his movie stinkers are racking up and I do tend to be very careful and not expecting to much when I see his name on the cover. Think I’ll give this a pass now. .

  3. Seriously, what happened to Val Kilmer? It feels like he keeps doing garbage movies. I haven’t seen this one but I’ll take your word for it 😉 Loved the review 🙂

  4. Val Kilmer has such talent, but he killed his career by being so demanding in the 90s. I’m hoping he’ll stage a comeback soon.

    • I do remember hearing here and there that he was kind of a diva but didn’t realize it was THAT bad. I will never understand why people do that -acting that way and killing their careers. You’re a freaking actor, it’s not like you’re saving the world or anything. It’s just a job. Ugh.

      Sorry, stepping off my soap box now. 😉

  5. Nice one!!

  6. lol… yep… the Doors movie was terrific… and I loved him in The Ghost and the Darkness, too… but you gotta remember he was only 32 years old when he did the Doors movie… just a baby… and he was 53 when he did 7 Below… these earth suits don’t always hold up so well… they get saggy, baggy, wrinkled, faded, stretched out and worn out… sigh…

    • Yes! LOVE the Doors movie! 🙂 I haven’t seen Ghost and the Darkness though. I’ll have to hunt that one down. I dunno if I consider 32 a baby though – I just turned 33 and I feel pretty old. *giggles* You make an excellent point about the earth suits though, Vickie. 😉 Thanks so much for stopping by – I miss you!! ❤

  7. And… I’ll give this one a pass. I have to agree that I loved The Ghost and the Darkness too, although I still think my fave Kilmer movie was probably Willow. 🙂


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