500 MPH Storm


500 MPH Storm.  No really, that’s the title.  Of course, I couldn’t pass this baby up, not with a name like that.  And of course, it’s an Asylum offering.  *sighs*  Sometimes I wish I lived in the Asylum world…I mean sure I’d be dodging crazy natural disasters left and right all while being hunted by fairy tale creatures and other stuff but wow, can you imagine what fun it would be??

Anyway, this movie starts out quickly with the WTF? science.  The 500 MPH storm is created by oil drilling.  No, I don’t understand it either.  It’s exactly like that time a volcano in the Antarctic exploded, melting glaciers and creating a metal tornado.  Unlike Metal Tornado though, this movie was WAYYYY less fun.

Here are our protagonists and here we shall start with the not so awesomeness.

Here are our protagonists and here we shall start with the not so awesomeness.

  • Of course there was a hot air balloon race that day.
  • “Just shut up and play your game!”  Thanks, Mom.  There’s a 500 MPH storm brewing and oh yeah, I’m like 16!
  • Is this old guy Casper Van Dien?  Wasn’t he like incredibly good looking and stuff?  Or am I thinking of someone else?…
  • I always make sandwiches when death is imminent too.  It’s only natural.
  • Mom is a major bitch.  Yelling at the son about being ungrateful over sandwiches when there’s a 500 MPH storm coming right at them.  Priorities people.  Priorities.
  • Um, this isn’t a storm so much as a tornado/hurricane/raging monster hybrid. Storm indicates a little rain and lightning, no?
  • This family makes my family look functional…
  • Awww, the old lady journalist who was complaining she was too old to be out in this weather just got ate by the storm.
  • Also the storm is conveniently chasing our dysfunctional family.  Not anyone else, just them.  It kinda looks like a smoke monster.  I never got that far in “Lost” – is this what it looked like?  (Darn it, I can’t find a picture of the storm where it looks like the monster!)
  • The best place to go in a tornado is a building made entirely of windows.  I’m from the South, I know these things…
  • Rain, rain, flood, flood, smoke monster, smoke monster.
  • Is this movie seriously just this one family driving around with the storm chasing them for 86 minutes while they yell at each other?
  • Ah, angsty teen anger.

SoBored*Editor Note:  Lindsay Lohan was not in this movie – this is just my reaction at this point.*

  • Society has been gone for all of five minutes and already we have looters and would be rapists?  I mean, okay, it’s somewhat reasonable but still….
  • Obligatory 18 wheeler coming at the car…
  • Slow motion thrashing around in the car while they’re in the tornado!!  Casper Van Dien looks wayyyy too happy here!
  • Note to self – look up jujuaura (sp?) effect to see if this is real.
  • They keep trying to get ABOVE the storm.  But the storm is in the sky…so…you know what, never mind.  Logic has no place here at all.
  • Oh god.  There’s 44 minutes left to this.

I almost gave up here, people, I really did.  But I stuck it out.  All I know is that there’s a magical laser beam that works, then doesn’t work, then works; Casper Van Dien is a grinning maniac every time he’s in danger and then this is what’s left:

This 86 minute storm destroyed the world.

This 86 minute storm destroyed the world.

This was such a let down after Hansel & Gretel.  I mean, I was really freaking proud of the Asylum after that one.  But this…oy, just stay away, far, far away.

About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2013.9.June, in American Cinema, American Indie and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 47 Comments.

  1. When did Casper Van Dien get so ruggedly handsome? He used to just be a walking chin, but now he’s all windswept and interesting!

  2. UH ———————— SHITFEST FALL???????????

    Sounds T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E

  3. Casper Van Dien is the George Clooney of Z movies.

  4. This looks soooooooooo intense!!! Edge of your seat action!

  5. Hahha great review here. I love this concept. If you think this is bad, I defy you to sit through Titanic 2. Unless you already have……

    • There’s…there’s a Titanic 2??? Also defying me to sit through anything is a sure way to get me to watch it. Last time I was given a dare it was The Sinful Dwarf – have ya seen THAT one? 😉

      P.S. Titanic 2 is streaming on Netflix! And has been added to my queue.

  6. This movie looks insanely stupid and I hate myself for wanting to watch it now. I actually thought that was Josh Holloway from Lost since he had the grizzled look down pat.

  7. Thank god someone else was bored to tears watching this. It’s a 500 MPH storm for god’s sake, and they still managed to make it boring!! You got a step further than I did – couldn’t think of a way to write a review for this one, so well done on seeing it through! 🙂

  8. 2 things: 1- I will avoid this one at all costs. 2- I love the gif of Lohan proclaiming her boredom! haha

  9. Lol. Awesome review. I mean, how could they go wrong with that title? It just screams edgy…if you are into precise measurements and stuff. Poor Casper, I guess it was downhill after starship troopers…

    • *giggles* Thanks! And yeah, totes edgy. I mean, exact and precise and how did they measure how many MPH anyway?? I don’t think the movie ever said. Silly science. OH! Starship Troopers! That’s where I know him from – thanks!

  10. ‘Shark Attack’ will always be Casper Van Dien’s masterpiece! I hope you will be watching The Asylum’s latest mockbuster ‘Atlantic Rim’? I know I will be! And there will certainly be a review! If it is as good as ‘Battle (of) Los Angeles’ (!) then I will be happy.

    • He was in Shark Attack? I’m fairly certain I watched that one…I watch a lot of shark movies. And yes, I will watch anything by Asylum, lol. Is Atlantic Rim out already?? Can’t remember if I watched Battle Los Angeles – I have a vague memory of it being on in the background while I worked one day…Thanks for stopping by and commenting!! 🙂

      • There are a lot of low budget shark themed movies out there! Shark Attack 3: Megalodon was the best of that ‘franchise’ for me as it had John Barrowman in it! Atlantic Rim came out on DVD in the UK today so expect it to be on on the syfy channel very soon!

      • John Barrowman?? I love him!!! Torchwood is AMAZING! As well as Doctor Who, of course. I definitely haven’t seen that and I’m going to try to find it on Netflix right now. Ahhh, I don’t have t.v. so I’ll have to wait for Atlantic Rim to come out on Netflix or Amazon or something like that. Tis okay though, I have a couple of Asylum movies to get through in my Netflix queue. 🙂

      • If you haven’t seen it then you are in for a real treat! The best scenes are all on YouTube including Barrowman delivering some now immortal lines of dialogue in one scene in particular!

      • Ahh, you should not have told me that – I have to work!!! Lol. Okay, work first THEN YouTube Barrowman (he is so sexy!! And ridiculous! Have you seen him dancing to “All the Single Ladies”???).

  11. Victor De Leon

    Gonna watch this and Atlantic Rim back to back! Yay me!…Umm what am I saying??? :/

  12. Victor De Leon

    btw Van Dien was pretty decent in “The Pact” Here though, I’m not so sure.

  13. Too bad Lohan was not in this film, it seems right up her alley.

  14. Misty, don’t be disappointed by Asylum, we got SharkNado coming. Yes, a tornado with Sharks in it!


Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: