First things first, thank you and welcome to all my new followers! Seriously, where did you all come from?? One thing you’ll quickly learn about me is that I’m a terrible blogger (no idea who gave me this job in the first place…) who is quite bad at updating due to a whole lot of factors so I apologize in advance. I’m trying to improve, for reals.
Secondly, I seem to have been nominated for a LAMMY (thanks to Tyson for pointing that out to me because I had no clue). No idea how that happened but thank you to whomever or whatever got me there – it’s so greatly appreciated!! I believe it’s common protocol to beg for votes so if you’d like to vote for me as…um…Best Horror Blog, I think…oh dear, I don’t even know if that’s right…*sighs*…well, that would also be greatly appreciated! You must be a LAMB and you can go vote for me HERE. And thank you!!!!
Now on to the main event – Snow Beast – warning, there will be spoilers ahead so if you were, like, super excited to see this please read no further.
*WARNING – SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!*
Ah….where to start with Snow Beast? Well, it’s not the 1977 Snow Beast so if you got really excited about that, sorry…But no, this gem features John Schneider ( of Dukes of Hazzard and Smallville fame) and Jason London (of London twin brother and shitting his pants in the back of a police car fame). So where to start?….
What we have here is a creature feature of the most highlarious kind. We have DAD, DAUGHTER who hates DAD and has been expelled from school for fighting, FEMALE potential love interest and ROB, token other male otherwise referred to here on out as WIMP BOY. DAD heads a research team who annually go out to the middle of Canada to track Canadian Lynx (apparently that is a job people have). Since DAUGHTER has been expelled from school, she’s forced to come with this year, whining and moaning the whole way. Jason London plays a ranger who is concerned about an unusual amount of people disappearing in the snowy Canadian wilderness as of late and who has a boss (I think it’s his boss?) who doesn’t like the cold (WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO LIVE IN CANADA??).
The majority of the movie is as follows:
DAUGHTER: Why, oh why must I be tortured like this? I can’t even get a phone signal here in the wilderness!
DAD: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten expelled from school then.
DAUGHTER: I hate you because Mom left! (turning to WIMP BOY) Wow, you’re, like, so HOT!
FEMALE: Where are all the lynxes this year?
WIMP BOY: *falls over his own feet*
THEN this guy shows up – he’s been not only eating the lynxes BUT all the people too! Dude, y’all! He destroys our research team’s snowmobiles and runs around being a jerk. Our team decides they must get the HELL outta there but FEMALE is all “But he’s eating the lynxes! We need to get documentation or no one will believe us and then everyone else will come in and steal our glory!” Silly FEMALE. She of course goes and gets herself killed. MALE is cranky because his potential girlfriend got all dead and stuff so he heads out to…catch the Snow Beast? Not really sure but he heads out and gets all kidnapped and stuck in a snow cave for later consumption which leaves WIMP BOY alone with DAUGHTER for a night defending themselves in their log cabin from the Snow Beast which goes a little like this:
DAUGHTER: OMG, we’re gonna die!!
WIMP BOY: Yeah, probably…
DAUGHTER: You’re supposed to the brave one!!
WIMP BOY: Why?
DAUGHTER: So I’m not scared!! I wish my dad was here.
WIMP BOY: Me too. He’s super brave and shiz.
And then later on:
DAUGHTER: What am I supposed to do if dad’s dead? I go home and then what?…
WIMP BOY: Eh, you’ll figure something out Orphan Girl.
And then comes the awesome ending that involves dragging raw food on a garbage can lid to lure Snow Beast out (of course WIMP BOY makes the DAUGHTER carry this) so they can shoot the Snow Beast full of tranquilizers and try to save MALE from the snow cave. The best part EVER?? MALE is still alive, WIMP BOY and DAUGHTER grab him and THEN MALE and DAUGHTER run for their lives leaving WIMP BOY to his doom. *giggles* I’m watching and am like, “What the hell? You people suck!” Totes brill.
Posted on 2013.25.March, in American Cinema, American Indie, Creature Feature and tagged grow a pair, jason london, john schneider, not the 1977 snow beast, oops I crapped my pants, snow beast, who studies canadian lynxes, wimp boy dies. Bookmark the permalink. 50 Comments.