Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft

Most misleading movie poster EVER

Most misleading movie poster EVER

So I once again had time to watch a movie today (and by “had time to watch a movie”, I mean of course that I was doing 12 things at once) and settled on Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft because it looked silly and ridiculous.  It WAS silly and ridiculous but not quite in the way that I thought.  It was more a cross between an after school special and a season one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It really was in no way good nor was it really in any way bad.  I’m not saying run out and watch this thing ASAP but if you happen to have a bored child about whining about nothing to watch, you could show them this as a way to pass the time.

Oddly, this is the only screen shot I can seem to find...

Oddly, this is the only screen shot I can seem to find…

I think my favorite thing about this film is that Eric Roberts and Cherie Currie are in it.  Yes, you did read that correctly – Cherie Currie.  It kind of seems reasonable to me that Eric Roberts would be a in a tween supernatural movie like this but that Cherie Currie thing was a surprise.  And Eric Roberts is FABULOUS.  And by fabulous I mean, he spends the majority of the movie peering around the side of a building, then spends 5 minutes hilariously training this young witch slayer before promptly dying.  I think he had like 10 lines total.  Luckily, this flick doesn’t seem to be taking itself too seriously at all.  The story makes only mild to middling sense but it’s filled with a bunch of pretty 20 year olds passing themselves off as teens at a private high school.  Seriously took me the whole damn movie though to figure out what the hell Hansel & Gretel had to do with any of this.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

  • Of course the saviours will be twins – they must ALWAYS twins.
  • Booboo Stewart – please tell me that’s a stage name.
  • I like how when they left one campus to move to the other one, the campuses look EXACTLY the same.  And they keep using the same wide exterior shot over and over again.
  • I don’t understand why this house has no furniture.  NONE.
  • I’m also not sure about this girl’s outfit but then I suck at matching and stuff so maybe it actually IS a good outfit.
  • I am so tired of seeing this one tree over and over when they shoot outside.
  • I still have no idea how this ties into Hansel & Gretel.  Oh btw, Hansel & Gretel aren’t actually named that.  They’re named Ella and Jonah.
  • Omg, a pentagram just appeared on Gretel’s floor!!  But she didn’t see it!!
  • Oh!!  I think I know who the main Witch Bitch is!!!  I can’t tell you though.  No spoilers here!
  • Hansel’s really hot but he’s kind of a douche to his twin sister.
  • Gretel found a key!  Shit’s about to get real!
  • Yep, totes called it on the main Witch Bitch!!

So to sum up, not wonderful but not bad but definitely for the younger demographic.  Also I realized that until today I had been spelling “Gretel” as “Gretal”….oops…

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About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2013.9.February, in American Indie, Lo-Budget and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.

  1. Good review. Is this an Asylum film? They normally make this kinda stuff

    • Thanks! And oddly no, I thought it was at first but it’s by Rapid Heart Pictures.

      • Never heard of them. I hope its not another Asylum type studio. One is enough

      • I love Asylum so I have no issues with another like them. 🙂

      • I hate them with a passion lol. I hate how they cheapen the genre with knockoff films. While I,did enjoy Abe Lincoln Vs. Zombies I hate everything else they have made.

      • At least they cheapen all genres and not just one. And I like most of their stuff. Except Lincoln vs. Zombies. That one I did NOT like. :-p

      • I’ve pretty much dedicated my life to film and more so horror and cult. I have so much I am working in from reviews to essays my own screenplays and it just bugs me how the horror genre gets zero respect.

        Asylum isn’t the only guilty party on how I feel but are the main culprits.

      • I think the horror genre gets plenty of respect – think about all the fans, conventions, tv and web channels dedicated strictly to horror. I don’t see that happening with rom-coms and dramas, etc. I know people who will line up for days to get into Chiller and the such. And they even have their own awards show.

        Asylum seems to be typically out to make a quick buck but some of their stuff isn’t bad and if it satisfied the cult movie players then they’re filling their niche too.

      • There is an audience, but at one point the horror genre was respected by Hollywood. The Universal films of TV 30s were treated as big time movies.

        Even critics respected many of these films and nowadays they normally piss on the films. Even the audience doesn’t take them serious outside if the hardcore fans

      • I don’t think a lot of films are respected by Hollywood anymore. I don’t think Hollywood is that respected anymore. While there’s still some good films that come out, there’s a majority that’s pure crap and purely watered down banality. Old Hollywood and New Hollywood are NOT the same.

        And I think there’s a lot of audience that does take them seriously outside of hardcore fans – look how many more “mainstream” horror movies have been successful in the past couple of years. Cabin in the Woods, Insidious, etc.

        Also I never listen to critics. I’m pretty sure half of them don’t have a clue what they’re talking about. 😉

      • Most critics are clueless but still. Certain filmmakers they blindly praise but refuse to see the good in the horror genre.

        Money wise horror will have some lulls but they will also mostly be moneymakers but horror has pretty much always been mainstream. But that still doesn’t equal respect.

        The non hardcore fans lose interest in these movies. It’s the hardcore fans that keep them alive.

        Even back in the 80s they got no respect and sure there was a lot to poke fun at with some of the Friday the 13th films but those movies were whores for paramount.

        Outside of New Line studios never showed love outside of Universal back in the 30s and today since Universal still gives their monster movie their respect.

      • I think we shall have to agree to disagree on this one. 🙂 Or wait to see if anyone else chimes in, lol. But I have enjoyed debating this with you! And I would continue but I have to get up early tomorrow for something kind of important. So to be continued? Perhaps via email. 🙂 Night!

      • Sounds good to me. If i had more time to write i could give even better examples. perhaps someday lol. Have a goodnight.

  2. I was going to ask if it was an Asylum film as well. But I see now that it isn’t. Love the review, I think I’ll pass on this one.

    • Thanks filmhipster! And yeah, if you don’t have a small child around to watch with probably better to pass. I honestly didn’t look at anything other than the name and cover there and thought it was going to be something a lot cooler. 😉

  3. I nearly watched this the other night, but passed. I might give it a chance soon.

    • It’s fair. I mean, it’s definitely for a younger demographic and it’s not up there with “The Hole” or anything but it’s also not like sitting through “Dora the Explorer”…

  4. I give you much kudos for being brave enough to set through this film, I saw two trailer and loathed them both so much, I could not be bothered to watch the film.

  5. Good stuff Layne 🙂 I wont be rushing to see this sadly 🙂

  6. Hmm i’d watch this, or not if its aimed at younger 😦

  7. At first I wondered if Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters had been given a different title in some places, but then I saw the tell-tale cover of a mockbuster. 😀

    Little surprised to see this get a middle-of-the-road review… I always figured mockbusters were universally either “so bad it’s good” or “so bad it’s terrible”. I was even more surprised to see Cherie Currie mentioned in your review as one of the actresses. I always had her pegged as the Runaway who didn’t have a career after the band’s breakup.

    • They usually are but this one was fairly middling, lol. And actually Cherie Currie is a chainsaw artist. No lie. I didn’t realize she was also an actress too though!

      • A chainsaw artist? 😀 Wow. See, I know her as a musician — she was the lead singer of The Runaways, an all-female hard rock band in the late 70s. After the band broke up, Lita Ford and Joan Jett each had successful music careers, but everyone else pretty much dropped off the face of the earth.

      • I watched the movie with Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart and really liked it and did a little research. Really fascinating story that one. 🙂

      • Yeah, I still need to see the film. I’ve heard it’s fairly good.

      • I thought it was really really excellent but I also went in not knowing much about the band. I’m not sure how fans of the band liked it.

  8. Rapid Heart Pictures, Hansel and Gretel that aren’t named Hansel and Gretel AND Eric Roberts? Be still my beating heart, I think I’m in love…

And.........Action!

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