The First Five – Monster Brawl


Okay, gotta be honest – I really watched the first 40 minutes of this not just five.  BUT I honestly didn’t realize I was still watching it till my friend, The Brad, called and I was like, “Why can’t I hear what you’re saying??  Oh…this stupid thing is still on??”  So that totally counts for a First Five.  Right?  😉

Yeah…so…I’d like to start by saying that a movie that involves monsters and wrestling should be AMAZING.  FUCKING AMAZING.  It’s like having a movie that involves hot girls and jello wrestling – how do you go wrong????  You can’t.  You just can’t go wrong with that.  And yet…*sighs*.  WHAT THE FUCK, Monster Brawl???  WHAT THE FUCK?  How on earth did you ruin a flick so full of potential??  I love monsters.  I used to be really into wrestling.  Kevin Nash is in this movie for pete’s sake and I couldn’t even make it to his part.  Now if Mick Foley had been in this I would’ve stuck it out because my gosh, do I love that man.  I even read Have A Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks.  (I know, I know – how on earth am I still single??  I am SO a kickawesome catch. ;-p) But I digress…

Speaking of Foley's...

Speaking of Foley’s…

Speaking of Foley’s though, Dave Foley is in this movie and from what I saw he spends the entire time with a look upon his face that clearly indicates he has no CLUE how he got in this film.  None at all.  Also his “character” is continuously drinking from a flask…yeah, “character”…*cough cough, wink wink*


The oh so amazing "Cyclops" makeup...

The oh so amazing “Cyclops” makeup…

Oh and let’s talk about this guy for a minute, shall we?  Someone be a dear and tell me when exactly Cyclops (Cyclopses…Cyclopi…what’s the plural??) developed laser beam eyeballs that can melt the faces off people.  Because that happened.  TOTES.


Why, yes, that IS her name – “Lady Vampire”.  There’s also another woman called “Witch Bitch”.  Don’t even get me started on this bullshit.

The most boring monster fights you'll ever see...

The most boring monster fights you’ll ever see…

So to sum up – FUCK YOU, Monster Brawl.  You go hide somewhere and hang your head in shame.

P.S.  Next Classic Movie will be The Usual Suspects!

About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2013.24.January, in Canadian Horror, Canadian Indie, Creature Feature, Horror Comedy, The First Five and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.

  1. This is AWESOME!! There’s nothing finer (to me) than ending a write-up with FUCK YOU (MOVIE)!!!! YES!!!

  2. Mick Foleys book is excellent!! 🙂

  3. When I was a child, I’d watch Godzilla movies pretty much for the sake of watching Godzilla wreck buildings and fight other monsters. Monster Brawl was the monster fighting sans story. How could such a film do badly? Turns out that story isn’t extraneous. And neither is a little fight choreography.

  4. I think you just wrote one of the best reviews I have ever read! I wasn’t gonna ever going to watch this in the first place but hey! this was super entertaining to read! You don’t see me, but I’m still laughing 🙂 And seriously? laser beam eyeballs and “Witch Bitch”? ROFL!

  5. Victor De Leon

    I wished at the time I had 5 bucks in my hand every time I heard “Witch Bitch” Nice write up. Muy funny! My son and I kinda liked watching this mess. It was fun to poke a lot of fun at.

    • Haha, you would’ve been a millionaire! 😉 And thanks! I think I would’ve been able to finish it if I’d been watching with someone, lol. I would’ve started making up my own dialogue and stuff. 😉

  6. Awesome job! Cyclopi….laughed my ass off!!

  7. Never heard of this one, and I’ll dutifully wipe it from my brain after I leave here. Yea, I don’t think cycloptisises can shoot lazer beams unless it’s like one of the X-men or something.

    The Usual Suspects is fucking awesome!

    • Haha, cycloptisises! LOVE! And it was SO not an X-man.

      I have heard it is!! I’m trying to get to it today but I am also watching “Pitch Perfect” with my roomie because she hasn’t seen it yet and I feel it’s my duty in life to make EVERYONE watch that. And I have films I have to review for the magazine. And I’m filming tomorrow. AHHHHH, why am I so busy??

  8. Wait, you’re single? Give me your address, quick!

  9. Witch Bitch sounds like an amazing name! Shame about the disappointment with the rest of it! 😦

  10. great review, at least the film gave us this!

  11. Great review! Fuck Kevin Nash, it’s all about Mick Foley. 😀

    The Usual Suspects, you say? That’s crazy, that’s gonna be one of my first reviews after Classic Movie Week concludes.

  12. Another movie with a great premise that nobody knew how to make. That’s a shame. Nice review I will be avoiding this one for sure.

  13. I agree, the premise of this sounds like it could have a whole lotta awesome. Too bad. Looking forward to the usual suspects review! I loved that movie.

    • It was a tragedy. *sighs* Ah, well, you can’t win them all right? 😉 Thanks for stopping by, livesinstone! And yay! I’m really looking forward to watching The Usual Suspects – I’ve heard so much good. 🙂

  14. This was a terrible, terrible film. Would make for an interesting television series or something that would take place over several episodes.


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