The First Five – Monster Brawl
Okay, gotta be honest – I really watched the first 40 minutes of this not just five. BUT I honestly didn’t realize I was still watching it till my friend, The Brad, called and I was like, “Why can’t I hear what you’re saying?? Oh…this stupid thing is still on??” So that totally counts for a First Five. Right? 😉
Yeah…so…I’d like to start by saying that a movie that involves monsters and wrestling should be AMAZING. FUCKING AMAZING. It’s like having a movie that involves hot girls and jello wrestling – how do you go wrong???? You can’t. You just can’t go wrong with that. And yet…*sighs*. WHAT THE FUCK, Monster Brawl
Speaking of Foley’s…
Speaking of Foley’s though, Dave Foley is in this movie and from what I saw he spends the entire time with a look upon his face that clearly indicates he has no CLUE how he got in this film. None at all. Also his “character” is continuously drinking from a flask…yeah, “character”…*cough cough, wink wink*
The oh so amazing “Cyclops” makeup…
Oh and let’s talk about this guy for a minute, shall we? Someone be a dear and tell me when exactly Cyclops (Cyclopses…Cyclopi…what’s the plural??) developed laser beam eyeballs that can melt the faces off people. Because that happened. TOTES.
Why, yes, that IS her name – “Lady Vampire”. There’s also another woman called “Witch Bitch”. Don’t even get me started on this bullshit.
The most boring monster fights you’ll ever see…
So to sum up – FUCK YOU, Monster Brawl. You go hide somewhere and hang your head in shame.
P.S. Next Classic Movie will be The Usual Suspects!
Posted on 2013.24.January, in Canadian Horror, Canadian Indie, Creature Feature, Horror Comedy, The First Five and tagged eff you, girls and jello wrestling, monster brawl, movies that suck, this should be more fun. Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.
Cinema Schminema 
This is AWESOME!! There’s nothing finer (to me) than ending a write-up with FUCK YOU (MOVIE)!!!! YES!!!
*giggles* Thanks, E!! I’m glad you enjoyed it, lol!
Your reviews rule!!!
Hehehe, thank you Mandy Carter – admit it, every day you wanna marry me a little more, right? 😉
Mick Foleys book is excellent!! 🙂
I know, right?? The Japanese cage matches? Those were awesome to read about!!
Oh yeah, he was insane, the things he did to get into the WWF. Still prefer Bret Harts book but this is close!!
Ah, I haven’t read Bret Hart’s book. I didn’t watch him too much. MICK FOLEY FOR THE WIN!!
When I was a child, I’d watch Godzilla movies pretty much for the sake of watching Godzilla wreck buildings and fight other monsters. Monster Brawl was the monster fighting sans story. How could such a film do badly? Turns out that story isn’t extraneous. And neither is a little fight choreography.
EXACTLY. Well said, vincent!
I think you just wrote one of the best reviews I have ever read! I wasn’t gonna ever going to watch this in the first place but hey! this was super entertaining to read! You don’t see me, but I’m still laughing 🙂 And seriously? laser beam eyeballs and “Witch Bitch”? ROFL!
*giggles* Thank you, Kim!! 🙂 I’m so glad you enjoyed it! And lol and you still lol! No lie, the laser beam eyeball happened. It was ridiculous…
I wished at the time I had 5 bucks in my hand every time I heard “Witch Bitch” Nice write up. Muy funny! My son and I kinda liked watching this mess. It was fun to poke a lot of fun at.
Haha, you would’ve been a millionaire! 😉 And thanks! I think I would’ve been able to finish it if I’d been watching with someone, lol. I would’ve started making up my own dialogue and stuff. 😉
Awesome job! Cyclopi….laughed my ass off!!
Or Cyclopti…which is it??
Oohhh, I like Cyclopti!
*giggles*
Never heard of this one, and I’ll dutifully wipe it from my brain after I leave here. Yea, I don’t think cycloptisises can shoot lazer beams unless it’s like one of the X-men or something.
The Usual Suspects is fucking awesome!
Haha, cycloptisises! LOVE! And it was SO not an X-man.
I have heard it is!! I’m trying to get to it today but I am also watching “Pitch Perfect” with my roomie because she hasn’t seen it yet and I feel it’s my duty in life to make EVERYONE watch that. And I have films I have to review for the magazine. And I’m filming tomorrow. AHHHHH, why am I so busy??
Wait, you’re single? Give me your address, quick!
It’s 8…oh wait, I’ll email ya. 😉
Witch Bitch sounds like an amazing name! Shame about the disappointment with the rest of it! 😦
*giggles* I dunno. I took offense that the women characters were only known as “Witch Bitch” and “Lady Vampire”. 😉 And yes, such a shame. 😦
I quite like those names… that maybe says something weird about me! lol! 😉
Nothing weird, I’m sure, lol. I think the whole movie just made me cranky. 😉
great review, at least the film gave us this!
*giggles* Thank you! 🙂
Great review! Fuck Kevin Nash, it’s all about Mick Foley. 😀
The Usual Suspects, you say? That’s crazy, that’s gonna be one of my first reviews after Classic Movie Week concludes.
Ha! Yes! Go Mick! 🙂
And awesome! Can’t wait to see what we each think!
Another movie with a great premise that nobody knew how to make. That’s a shame. Nice review I will be avoiding this one for sure.
Yeah, it really should have been amazing. So sad-making. Definitely stay far away. And thanks!
I agree, the premise of this sounds like it could have a whole lotta awesome. Too bad. Looking forward to the usual suspects review! I loved that movie.
It was a tragedy. *sighs* Ah, well, you can’t win them all right? 😉 Thanks for stopping by, livesinstone! And yay! I’m really looking forward to watching The Usual Suspects – I’ve heard so much good. 🙂
This was a terrible, terrible film. Would make for an interesting television series or something that would take place over several episodes.
Ooohhh, I do like that idea of this being something episodic. Great idea!