Antfarm Dickhole

Antfarm Dickhole.  Okay, so yeah.  I don’t even…where to start?  I don’t…Okay, so this is actually going to be broken up into like 3 segments because um, I’ve only watched the first fifteen minutes and um, yeah…there’s a lot of thoughts happening here and I’m pretty sure I’m entirely too sober to be watching this but it’s only 1 o’clock so you know, I don’t really feel like going out and getting wasted right now and I’m pretty sure a substance other than alcohol or weed is needed for this film, I’m just not entirely sure what that substance is…so yeah…just going to throw out my thoughts on the first fifteen minutes for now because there are a lot of those and then I’m going to go do something like read my Bible or I don’t know what…but I will be finishing this because I am so intrigued and confused and this is either brilliant or terrible and I have no idea.  I clearly don’t have the comprehension skills required for this film.  So yeah…

He’s got ants in his pants!

Okay, here we go. Let’s do this thing…

  • Ants freak me out.  Seriously freak me out. I used to have weird crazy dreams where they’d be swarming over my bed and wake up and could still feel the bed moving.
  • Someone doesn’t quite know his lines here! Or maybe they’re just making up lines?
  • How did they go from discussing how crappy life is to the joys of jerking off?  And why are they talking about this in the woods?  Are they stoned?
  • Now we’re talking about bullies…I’m having trouble following this conversation…
  • “Didn’t you study a martial art when you were a kid?”  Of course.  Because EVERYBODY does.  Duh.
  • What?  Who is this guy that looks like a biker?  Why is he giving the other guy a wedgie?  They’re like 30 not 12!
  • Least intimidating bully EVER.
  • Who carries a cupcake in their pocket?
  • WTF???  “There’s no way we can enjoy the sanctuary of the woods after that happened to my cupcake.”  WTF???  That might be my favoritest line EVER!!!!
  • We’re only in minute 4, dear lord.
  • Why is the white biker bully suddenly talking like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid?
  • Ew, ginormous ant crawling up his pants leg.  Fake ginormous ant but still.
  • Dude, he stepped on your cupcake not kicked your ass.  Stop limping.
  • “I think he stole my car too.  They don’t just go repark themselves you know.  They shouldn’t even call this a park…they should call it a stolen.”  I LOVE THIS GUY!!
  • Minute 5 and finally there’s nudity.  Took you long enough movie.
  • Why is he getting a stripper dance in his home?  Why is there a cat in the background?  That’s highly distracting from the full frontal nudity going on.  Or maybe it’s subtext.  *giggles*
  • Nice tat, naked lady!
  • This girl is way too hot for this guy  Also she gives weird blow jobs.  And she just pulled a fake ant out of her mouth when it was done.  And now she’s writhing on the floor with fake ants covering her and the kitten is writhing next to her and oh her clit is pierced.  And now the guy is jumping on her and suddenly she’s all bloody and he’s stomping on her and trying to call someone and he just stepped on his phone and wait, is she masturbating, and he just passed out and there’s no dialogue and she’s like running her hands over her body and omg, I think the kitty is dead!!
  • WHAT??  The chick is now a skeleton and her boyfriend is philosophizing on Montezuma’s revenge.  WTF??  “I better call the police.” He says all nonchalantly then throws down the phone and says, “No, I’ll do this the old fashioned way and walk to the police department.”  And we’re only in minute 9!!!
  • Ah, walking down the yellow brick road.  Excellent.  What’s up with the sketch bikery guys?  And what’s with the wedgies??  Seriously do guys just go around giving strangers wedgies their whole lives??
  • Why is this guy like doing weird dance moves around our “hero” now?  And why are they using the word “peepee” for penis?  I am so confused by this movie.  But hey they finally said the catchphrase “ants in your pants”!!
  • Why, why is he swatting at this guy and yelling at him to do something about the ants in his pants??  Wait are the ants attacking him now? Is that why?
  • WTF is a girl in a bikini doing reporting in the woods?  Why, movie, why?
  • Dick Street
  • I can’t even follow these two guys conversation.  It’s all over the place.  And cupcake guy is a grammar nazi.  And now they’re talking about racism and border control.  I really think I need to be stoned to get this.  Omg, what?  What the hell?
  • This guy is totally obsessed with his premature ejaculation while masturbating.  That’s fine to bring up all the time but you still use “peepee” when referring to your cock?  *face palm*

Um, so yeah…that’s as far as I’ve gotten at the moment and I think you can see why I’m having to break this into segments because dear gods, there is just soooo much I have to say that if I don’t this will be the longest Cinema Schminema posting EVER.  I can’t decide if I love this or hate it.  And the director’s name is Bill Zebub.  Get it?  *giggles*


About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2012.18.September, in American Cinema, American Indie, Experimental, Exploitation, Lo-Budget and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 41 Comments.

  1. I just dont… but I’m not…. NO. You can keep this one. Not going to even try.

  2. Wow, just wow. I’ve actually heard of this douche Bill Zebub before. He was in a doc about fake snuff films. Just a total amatuer ass clown. That trailer was pretty funny though

  3. O M G……….. this looks worse than anything I could have ever have imagined from just the title. You poor, poor thing…. you being subjected to this actually hurts my feelings…

  4. Is there any indication of what the title is all about or is that just part of the charm or laziness of this movie? Good luck with the next two segments, if you get through them.

    • The movie is about a guy whose body is infested by ants that seem to escape when he cums. At least this is the best I can decipher…Haha, thanks!

      • Really. I thought I wrote some off the wall stuff, but man, that is a pretty crazy concept.

      • It’s crazy all right, lol. And makes a lot of what I watch (and/or write) seem pretty tame in comparison. 😉 Nah, it’s seriously not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It’s just soooo random.

  5. Oh-no!!! not another Bill Zebub production. He used to have a great metal zine, the hilarious, The Grimoire of Exhalted Deeds but when he decided to go into shot-on-vid movies, he should have taken some classes on filmmaking. I’ve attempted to watch more than one, and they are all terrible and he never gets better at what he does. Who buys this crap! (no offense). With a title like Antfarm Dickhole, what did you expect?

    • I’m getting pretty much what I expected, lol, except I thought there might be some semblance of plot or an actual script but I was sooo wrong on that count (and no worries, I totally didn’t buy this or rent it! Watching for free on my “Midnight Pulp” channel on Roku!). Pretty sure I won’t be attempting any of his other stuff – although the metal zine sounds cool.

      • He hasn’t done the zine in years, he pissed off every musician he had ever interviewed. You may be able to find some copies in ebay. If you are going to try and finish the movie, good luck.

      • He sounds like a truly lovely person… 😉 Eh, I mostly like the title of the magazine so I won’t take the time to hunt it down. I am going to try and finish because I love that one dude that’s randomly talking about cupcakes and stuff so thank you for the luck – I’ll need it! And as always, thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  6. Dick Street. Maybe I’ll go there someday.

  7. Bill Zebub? Ha. Brilliant. This looks incredibly painful and that trailer! Holy Jebus. You poor thing. Great post though. Gotta give you some props for watching this one.

  8. … Like, some angry Internet keyboard warrior nerds got a video-camera and went out into the woods to make a movie?

    This is incredibly… Yeah I can’t even say anything right now. I hate ants.

  9. The title of this sounds like the kind of ‘special’ film Eric told me he watches 🙂

    Nice to see you writing Misty, even if it is about something that looks horrendous 😉

  10. SOLD! The title is all i needed to see.

  11. I decided to watch the first 15 minutes of the movie to see what was up. I think I was hoping that your notes were exaggerations or left out some bits in between that explained what was happening. Those hopes were dashed, but it turns out to be more amusing than I would have imagined.

    My thoughts during this film: man, that bully stole that guy’s shoes; this looks like it was made for youtube; I think Neckbeard’s stripper girlfriend turns into a cat several times before she turns into a skeleton; why is this the low-budget, filmic equivalent of transgressive fiction? should I keep watching?

    I’m not sure I’ll be reviewing this movie, but if I do, I’ll put it alongside the other pornographically-titled movie reviews on my blog: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell and Over-sexed Rugsuckers from Mars. That second one will be featured in a future review.

    • Oh I wish they had been exaggerations, lol. But yes, it is hella amusing!

      Hahaha at your thoughts especially “should I keep watching?” Did you also wonder why that guy had a cupcake in his pocket? Because I mean, I really like cupcakes, like A LOT but I don’t go around with them in my pockets.

      If you do decide to review it I cannot WAIT to read and I love that you’re putting it alongside the “pornos”. Also what the what – “Over-sexed Rugsuckers from Mars”?? Best name EVER.

  12. You are the bravest woman I have ever come across. I bow to your ability to watch stuff like this. Can’t wait for the rest!

  13. Spiders I can deal with. Ants, not so much. Where did you find a film like this?

    • I have a Roku and they have a channel called Midnight Pulp. I found it there. There seems to be lots of questionable movies on that channel so I am excited!

  14. What pray tell is a Roku?

    • It’s a magic little box that works off your internet. It has all these channels and it’s just amazing. Like witchery, I say. 😉 Seriously, though it’s like Apple TV or something. It runs off your wifi and you can stream Netflix and Amazon Instant Video, etc. plus it has it’s own unique channels. A lot suck but then they have these really awesome random ones like the Drive In channel which is drive in classics and the Midnight Pulp channel. I don’t have cable or basic t.v. at all so I can honestly say it’s one of the best purchases I ever made.

  15. The title alone sold me. Because I’m easy like that.

    Also, because I grew up a Troma fan – Surf Nazis Must Die is on my personal all time list.

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