Mark of the Witch

First, let me apologize – He Said/She Said will be on hiatus for a couple of weeks due to play rehearsal ramping up.  I am also wayyyy behind on my blog reading but will be catching up in the next couple of days!  Now to our regularly scheduled programming…

There’s an important lesson to be learned from Mark Of The Witch – if you mess with a witch, things will get awkward.  And by awkward I mean the Michael Cera kind of awkward, not the scary kind.

Mark Of The Witch starts off badly and never gets any better.  The first scene is the hanging of a woman accused of witchcraft.  This is a woman of many, MANY words.  Her final farewell to life lasts for so long that one keeps expecting the executioner to kick the stool out from under her feet just to shut her up.  But he doesn’t.  Instead he lets her go on and on and on, even letting her finish her final curse of the village before dying.  AWKWARD.

You will all die…and so will your sons and your sons’ sons and your sons’ sons’ sons….and so on and so forth…yada yada yada…

Next comes the worst theme song ever.  I assume there wasn’t a lot of money for sound production because I’m fairly certain the song is being spokesung (think Ke$ha) by someone’s mother in a closet.

Finally, finally it’s present day (or at least sometime in the 1970s) and we have a group of college students who like to party with their college professor and read old books, you know, the kind of old books with strange symbols and ancient languages, the kind that clearly emanate a strong “Do Not Read Me” vibe.  Yet they do and Ms. Mouthy Witch from the past is called into the present to inhabit the body of the most annoyingly cheerful girl who is filled with sweetness and light.  It’s an awkward transition to say the least.

I wish I could tell you more of the plot here but honestly I can’t remember what was supposed to be happening.  The newly back to the living witch seems to want to call forth her dead coven which leads to murders and the such but with random, jumpy editing, it’s hard to follow.  The plot does finally reach a culminative point however in……wait for it…..the most badly choreographed, most awkward fireside ritual EVER.  If I had the proper words, I could truly paint a vision for you here.  Instead I leave you with this image:: cheerleader robots having seizures.

Oddly, this is the first picture that comes up when you type “robot cheerleaders having seizures” into Google Images…

As for the ending?  Who knows?  All that matters is that I learned that messing around with the dark arts leads to very awkward embarrassing times for everybody.

About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2012.30.July, in American Cinema, Horror, Lo-Budget, Oldies but Goodies and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. That movie poster makes me want to look at this. Your words do not : (

  2. There are some seriously awful witch movies out there, thanks for the heads up. I’ll avoid this – like a black cat and a witches hat on a friday in the month of…ah, forget it.


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