Oh, J.C., you are a superstar.  Not only are you the son of God but you are one multi-talented kick ass prophet!  Thank your father for this movie which shows us all the ways in which you rock.

 Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is no ordinary movie, oh no.  It’s a smorgasbord of good times and fun featuring the most excellent skills of one Jesus Christ, not to mention giving us a glimpse into our future world where vampires kill lesbians precipitating the second coming.  (What?  I don’t write this stuff, I just watch it.)   Anywho, J.C. returns to earth to wreak havoc on the vampires and takes down some atheists along the way, ultimately saving the world, getting the girl and becoming best friends with a Mexican wrestling superstar.

Besties for life, y’all!

How does he accomplish this?  Why, with his kickawesome ninja skills of course!!  Turns out our guy knows some serious martial arts.  He kicks, he slices, he dices, he takes down at least 30 atheists in one scene alone!  J.C.’s one heck of a fighter and he manages it all (or at least most of it) wearing a dress.  I mean, robe.

Jesus 1, Atheists 0

J.C.  also has an invisible deejay following him around to soundtrack his life, enabling him to not only break into song and dance in the middle of the street but also to inhabit several different personas.  One second he’s Shaft, the next he’s ghetto fab white boy.  I want a deejay to soundtrack my life now.  Wonder where I find that?

After all this ninja’ing, singing and dancing, you’d think ole J.C. would want a break but no.  See, having these skills just isn’t enough.  J.C. constantly tries to top himself by becoming a drummer, a jazz musician, being a healer and ultimately stopping the vampire apocalypse.  Is there anything this guy can’t do???  Apparently not!

So next time you feel alone and unsure in your life, watch Vampire Hunter and remember Jesus has totally got your back.