I’m Not Jesus Mommy

No, no you are NOT Jesus because I’m fairly certain Jesus would’ve had the common courtesy to put a comma in that freaking title.  Seriously.  That’s the first thing that’s wrong with I’m Not Jesus Mommy but never fear, that’s not the only thing that’s wrong here, trust me.  There’s lots more to come!

The story starts out with a woman.  She’s a cancer survivor but unfortunately the cancer left her unable to conceive.  She has a husband who seems pretty sweet and loving – I mean they spend the first 20 minutes of the movie dancing around the kitchen and drinking wine and snuggling.  In between the lovey-dovey, there are shots of the woman (Kimberly, btw) being interviewed because she is also a fertility doctor (irony!), then going to a top super secret meeting with military personnel, then getting all furious because at this top super secret meeting she learns that these people are cloning, then after that she decides to take a job with them.  Hey, minds can be changed in the blink of an eye.

Roger is the lead doctor of this top super secret cloning project which seems to mostly consist of catching illegal immigrants and offering them the chance to become a permanent resident if they agree to be implanted and carry a baby to term.  The embryos that aren’t implanted are destroyed which agonizes Kimberly.  So what does she do?  She grabs the first one she sees and impregnates herself, of course!  No learning anything about the embryo or where it came from or any characteristics of it, nope, just point and shoot with the turkey baster.  She’s totes excited about this and runs home to tell her husband who becomes furious.  Why?  Because she didn’t ask him and this wasn’t just her decision.  This was an odd turn of events to me because it’s made pretty apparent before hand that Kimberly really really wants a baby and if you didn’t want a baby, Mr. Husband, pretty sure you should’ve said something like, AGES ago.  *shakes head, rolls eyes*  Mr. Husband runs off in a rage and immediately gets into a car wreck where his car is flipped over.  Then another car comes along a minute later and smashes into him.  Oh well.

Baby is born (which is pretty epic because all the other embryos implanted were still-born), baby is baptized.  And suddenly, it’s 7 years later and the world has gone crazy.  Mexico has closed off its borders and built a wall to discourage US and Canadian citizens from crossing into their land.  People are being fed government rations and starving.  There’s barely any electricity or heat and all that’s on the telly are the government rules (curfews, punishment for not obeying the rules).  Life pretty much sucks.

I’m sorry, mommy, I didn’t mean to start the apocalypse.

Now, remember Roger, the cloning guru?  Well, he’s gone extremely religious.  He’s somewhere between fanatic and extremist.  I mean, he’s smothering people in the name of love and all that (just a note – one of the people he smothers is an adorable little child so if that sort of thing bothers you, for sure never watch this one).  And baby?  Well, his name’s David and he has an imaginary friend named Kuddles and his mommy is dying and he wants to go to Mexico.  There’s a lot of “yada, yada, government is bad, yada, yada, mommy is dying, yada, yada” exposition and then suddenly we’re at the end of this thing without anything really having happened.  I will tell you this much about the end.  The whole “I’m not Jesus” thing comes about from David having been cloned from blood found on the Shroud of Turin.  Yep, he’s supposed to be a Jesus clone.

So what are my issues here?  How about a handy little list?

1.  The acting is bad.  Kimberly is completely monotone.  “My baby!” carries as much weight here as “I took out the garbage.” It’s entirely distracting.

2.  This movie has no idea what it wants to be about.  It starts off being about the dangers of cloning, then suddenly it turns into a statement about immigration, THEN it goes all religious and finally at the very end, it’s about cloning again.  Now if they had picked just one of these (hell, even two) it would’ve made for a much more linear narrative but instead we get a jumble that doesn’t know what it wants to be preaching about.

3.  The description I read about the movie before I watched states that “odd things happen when David is around”.  NOTHING odd happens when David is around except that he’s a weird kid that wants to bring his mom back to life when she dies.  And there’s one instance where Kuddles seems to “come to life”, so to speak.

4.  We see people getting killed and then a minute later, all that’s left of them is their clothing.  So we seem to have the Rapture going on but why do they need to die first for this to happen?  Admittedly, I haven’t gone to church in awhile but my understanding is that you can just be raptured without being killed first.

5.  Why did the world suddenly go all Big Brother crazy?  There is NO indication of this happening prior to the title card “7 Years Later”.  Did cloning make this happen, is that what we’re supposed to surmise?  This plot point seemed to come totally out of left field.

So much wrong when this could’ve been so much of a right.  *sighs*

About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2012.16.July, in American Cinema, American Indie, Horror, Lo-Budget and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.

  1. Very well done Cinema Schminema! This movie was SOOOOOOOOO boring…. your writing here is better than the movie for sure : )

    • Haha! Thanks, IPC! I’m glad you think so! And yes, it was insanely boring! I was telling my roomie about it and she asked why I was still watching. Point well made, roomie, point well made.

  2. Another low budget film enforces the reputation of low budget films.

    • I have seen a LOT of lo-budget movies that were extremely well done and better than a majority of bigger budget films (Dance of the Dead, for example). This one was shot well but the story was just…it didn’t work in this concept. So yeah, if someone chooses this as their first lo-budget, their opinion will be badly swayed.

  3. Well, you’ve convinced me not to watch this, so thanks for the warning.

  4. Without the comma the title is completely different. I seriously hate that.

  5. This sounds epically bad. Blood from the Shroud of Turin? Really? I might have to watch this and do a write-up someday. I think It’ll be good for a few hearty laughs.

  6. Lost Creek Publishing

    Happy Holidays Misty! Thank you for all your likes.

  7. 4: It wasn’t God’s rapture, it was prematurely started by man. See 5.

    5. The clone of Jesus has no soul so it’s the Antichrist, which initiated the Apocalypse. It happening on the 7th year is symbolic, for obvious reasons.

    • 4. I did not realize that a rapture could be started by man, even with the appearance of the Antichrist. I knew there would be/is supposed to be a lot of beheadings but have never heard anything about a premature rapture.

      5. Yes, he is the Antichrist and 7 is quite symbolic in Christian literature so I see where he initiated the Apocalypse but there’s was no transition to it starting which was where I had the issues – one minute fine, next terrible.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting! 🙂

  8. Well I just saw this movie and i was searching for what the hell was the plot when I came across your post!

    I agree with you completely, but I’d like to correct you about “Mr. Kuddles”, his imaginary friend doesn’t have a name.
    He drew kuddles and a few minutes later when there was a “rebellion” during food ration time, David stood over a dying man named “Kudles”

  9. The best part of the movie was the last 5-10 minutes. That being said, I just wasted 2 hrs of my life that I won’t get back. Also, I was terribly confused for a good portion of the film. I couldn’t figure out why they were splitting screen time between Kim/David & fanatic guy.

    The ending confused me. Clearly mom was raptured, and fanatic guy went to hell, but who was standing next to David at the end? Did he bring back his dad? was it fanatic guy?

    • Yeah, I don’t know what the hell was supposed to be the point of this. You kill people to rapture them? WHAT??

      I’m trying to bring back the painful memories here because I honestly blocked as much as possible of this travesty…I want to say that was Satan maybe? I think it was that imaginary friend guy he kept referring to anyway.

      Sorry you to had to experience the pain of this one!

  10. The guy at the end is his imaginary friend….aka like a demon or the devil is my guess. I really liked this movie! I realize it had scientific issues but I’m not a scientist so I don’t care. And it did have religious issues, but not many end of times movies are very accurate so I don’t hold that against it either. At the rapture it’s all at once and no, you don’t have to die. Maybe thy thnk after he rapture that’s what happens to people?

    • Hi Amanda! I LOVE how many people still stumble across this post somehow because everyone has such an interesting theory on this movie. So fun! 🙂

      My biggest issue, seriously, was the grammar in the title…which is ridiculous but to each their own, right? 😉 And I think just because I’m so into apocalyptic movies and have seen so many that were better presented, that’s part of the reason the apocalypse thing here didn’t work. Very true that this could be their version of what happens after the Rapture. Because it really does vary from film to film, book to book (take the Left Behind series for example) and really no one can know exactly what would happen.

      I’m glad you really liked this movie. 🙂 That’s what I love about film is we all get to love or not love whatever speaks to us the most (or least). It’s a beautiful art form.

      And thank you for stopping by and commenting!! 🙂

      • Thanks for your reply. The grammar didn’t bother me…I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I didn’t notice lol. I think part of why I liked it so much was because it was so different from ones I’ve seen, and they didn’t seem to know what was going on, like it wasn’t spelled out. Thanks again:)

      • Absolutely! 🙂 Hey, not everyone is a grammar nazi like me – I notice it everywhere for the most part…and then make the worst grammar mistakes myself sometimes, lol. Agreed about it being different. That’s why I wanted to like it, I just couldn’t because of the other stuff but again I’m glad you did! 🙂 Thanks again for dropping by!


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