Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!
Mutant Zombie Vampires from the Hood may be my new favorite movie, no lie. Here’s how the movie watching went down.
Me to Roomie #1: Hey, mind if I watch a movie in here?
Roomie #1: Sure, go ahead.
10 minutes later
Roomie #1: What exactly are we watching again??
Me: Mutant Zombie Vampires from the Hood!
15 minutes later
Roomie #1: Why is Mr. Miyagi in this??
15 minutes later
Roomie #2 enters the house, home from work: Hey, what’re you watching?
10 minutes later
Roomie #2 spits out beer he’s laughing so hard.
End of the movie
Roomie #3 is home now. Roomie #2 to Roomie #3: Dude, you only saw the last 15 minutes!! This movie is epic!! We have to start it over from the beginning!!!
Yeah, it’s that awesome. So here’s the lowdown.
Cop (C. Thomas Howell, hell yeah) and Cop #2 enter a warehouse where a black gang and an Asian gang are about to have a full out war over drugs. Asian gang kidnapped the token girl of the black gang and are trading her back to the black gang for drugs except whoops, the black gang brought sugar instead of coke . Just as the bullets start to fly, what should appear but a……SOLAR FLARE! Everyone, I repeat, everyone in the warehouse is knocked out by the solar flare and when they awaken things aren’t quite what they were before.
Our gang(s) emerge into a newly transformed world (oh the power of solar flares!) to find vampire(?) zombie(?) mutants. Things start to quickly go downhill. First Cop #2 gets eaten, then a gang member gets killed. One gang member keeps running around yelling about Nosferatu to anyone who will listen. After about 20 minutes, they realize it’s not vampires though, it’s zombies. The gangs join together to fight their way through the monstrous horde of zombies (who for the record aren’t just chomping down on people but are also screwing each other and raping live people). They also meet up with the aforementioned Mr. Miyagi who is quite possibly this movie’s BEST character. He drinks constantly, he shoots, he dispenses advice in the form of one liners…..*sighs*….he’s so groovy. Next the gang runs into a polite, yet heavily armed group of people who capture them who are (get this) VAMPIRES!! Totes! There’s more eating of a “oh dear god, they really went there, why are these damn vampire zombies so horny?” kind and then finally our heroes end up at the house of one super smart dude with one super smart daughter (a doctor) who think they might be able to find a cure. But do they????
A few of my favorite things:
“I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ zombies in my motherfuckin’ hood!” Thank you SLJ wannabe, thank you.
Super smart dude and super smart daughter are creepily close, like, she’s sitting in his lap at the age of 25’ish, close…..
Epic sex scene (living people not zombie/vampire/mutants) where super smart daughter wears a doctor coat (FOR THIS SCENE ONLY!! Immediately after when she is back to her doctoring duties, the white coat is GONE, people) and fabulous porno music plays in the background.
Super smart daughter is apparently aroused by zombie violence.
Posted on 2012.4.June, in American Cinema, American Indie, Horror, Lo-Budget, Zombiedy and tagged c thomas howell, funny horror movies, mutant vampire zombies from the hood, samuel l jackson, zombie porn. Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.