Closets – The First Five

I’ve decided that every once in awhile I’m going to do a bit called “The First Five”.  Why?  Because sometimes, the first five minutes of a movie are enough to convince you that you’ve made an unwise but hilarious choice in viewing material.

For my first entry into the “First Five”, I’d like to introduce to a movie called “Closets”.  Now “Closets” came my way via a 6 movie pack I picked up called “Deadly Games” (you know those 6 packs you get at Walmart for $5?  Oh yeah…. ;)).

The first thing you should know about “Closets” is that it’s a true indie film.  So indie that the entire first scene is green screened.  As in, one guy is in a parking garage and another guy is standing in a street but it’s actually done via green screen.  Now, I was once a part of a very indie, lo-budget sci-fi webseries that was almost completely green screened so I’m not knocking the green screen….exactly.  But do you need some kind of permit to film one man in a parking garage?  Do filmmakers not sneak into places they’re not supposed to be anymore??  Anyway….this scene ends with an explosion and the death of a young girl, who was in a supernatural cage (I dunno, she was surrounded by these wavy lines??).

Our main guy is blamed for her death.  He has a trial.  They didn’t have money for a courtroom scene either.  The entire trial is intoned over shots of a woman driving down a highway, fixing her hair.  I don’t get it either.  Oh and in Arizona, you go to jail for 3 – 5 years for murder.   Does anyone else find this less than accurate?  I mean, young kid dying and all.  Fictional Arizona is apparently way more lenient than real Arizona!

Finally (after the woman is done driving), our guy gets out of prison.  The woman appears to be his wife who has remained loyal all these years.  Now it’s up to our guy to go get a job to support the family!  But wait, he has that pesky murder sentence hanging over him….so after one lousy interview where a suited man snarks to his co-worker “I remember giving those shoes to Goodwill, hahahhaaaa….” our guy is completely and totally bummed.  He goes to a bar and pulls out a handful of change and asks for whatever that will get him.  It’s about a jigger of whisky (yeah.  I used the word jigger.  Cause I’m cool like that.)  The bartender notices how depressed our guy is and offers him a magic pill.  DUDE, why do bartenders never give ME drugs????  I’m not some older guy who just got out of prison, I’m a cute chick!  We live in a messed up world, people, messed up I tell ya……Oh and the bartender gives him a shot on the house.

So what happens next?  Well after his two sips of whiskey and the happy pill, our guy heads out stumbling along the streets till he comes upon a psychic.  He goes in and meets what may be the world’s only BDSM psychic.  No hippy-dippy, flowy skirts here.  Oh no.  This chica is dressed from head to toe in black leather and spandex with a dog collar.  I don’t know whether to applaud this costume choice or cry over it.

And this, my friends, this is where I stopped…..because the first thing this psychic does is have an apparent orgasm when she gets a “vision”.  This guy lives in one seriously f’ed up world.  (I kinda want to go to there).

So will I finish “Closets”?  Hell, yeah.  How could I not??

About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2012.21.May, in Lo-Budget, The First Five and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 38 Comments.

  1. Cool concept for an article!

  2. I like your new feature! I didn’t play the video but what’s that hideous thing behind that guy? Why do you and Wednesday’s Child feel the need to post such things? Are they supposed to scare me off like a scarecrow?? HMMMM? Well, either way, if I was ever tending bar and you came in needing something and I had a pocket full of barbiturates, I would certainly give you some 🙂

    • Thanks!! This movie was so horrific and I was taking notes while I watched and was just like, “This is gold.” 😉 I actually haven’t gotten to the part where that thing is so….um….ghost? Definitely a ghost. Or the love child of Michael Myers. And not to scare just to share the images that have been burned into our brains. *giggles* And thank you. I very much appreciate your willingness to share barbiturates. ;-D

      • OK – I’ll keep coming around then 🙂 and yes – lol – any time – my barbiturates are your barbiturates!

  3. *giggles* Yes, please coming around! 🙂

  4. My Netflix viewing history is littered with movies I turned off after five minutes. You really can tell in that amount of time, in most cases, whether it’s worth it.

  5. Yep. And this one is not worth it but it’s sooooo bad I just have to finish it, lol.

  6. LOL @ you didn’t know if you wanted to applaud at the outfit or cry! Congrats on finishing the movie. I’m like that to where I HAVE to finish a movie.

  7. But, Corbin Bernsen is in it!. It HAS to be awesome!

  8. OK so I’m a little confused. Is this stuff that happened throughout the whole movie or just in the first 5 minutes? Because if it’s just the first 5 minutes then this has to be one truly bizarre little film.

    • It is the first 5 minutes. Okay, well, honestly the first 10, 15 at most. But “The First Five” was catchier than “The First Fifteen”. *giggles* I have yet to finish this one but I will soon so I can do a proper post. But yeah, when that much weirdness happens in the first 15 minutes, you know it’s gonna be bad! 😉

  9. Cinema Schminema – can I send you something for The First Five? I had to give up on a movie today and I feel bad but I don’t have anything as fun as this on my place.

    • YES!! I would love that! I haven’t done but the one and I keep finishing movies.

      • YAY send you something soon. I hate giving up on a movie but today’s was sooooooooooooooooooooo terrible I just had to quit……

      • OH MY GOD… I just went to the grocery store and I was standing there waiting for everything to get rung up, I noticed they now have a little DVD stand filled with those “eight movies for five bucks” things. So I walked over and the first one I picked up has CLOSETS in it. You already know I bought that : )

      • Ha, KICKAWESOME!!!! Cannot WAIT to hear what you think! Cannot WAIT to see if you finish the movie, lol.

      • Coming soon to a blog near you : ]

  10. Can’t wait to see what it is, E!! 🙂

    • : ) !!Hopefully you like it. I’ll miss you while you’re gone 😦

      • I am not happy about the hiatus either. 😦 But it’s either that or me have a nervous breakdown and I *think* (hope) we want me to avoid that. 😉 I’ll still be reading though and plan on catching up with reading tonight. 🙂

      • I would never want you to have a nervous breakdown! : ( As long as you’re still around in some fashion I think we’ll all be happy. At least I will be : )

      • I will be around!! And two weeks is sooo short! 🙂 Just too much going on this week and next and I don’t wanna half-ass it, ya know?

      • I sure do!! I don’t want you to half ass your big show!!

  11. Oh girl – this movie…. I made it a past the first five minutes hoping during each of those grueling tortuous minutes for a dramatic improvement BUT alas I could only make it to the part when crazy lady is informed she has a problem with mice and not ghosts. This movie makes me want to pick up my player and throw it out the 3rd floor window. ****upon re reading that previous sentence, I might have some anger issues**** Apparently I learned today I have little patience for movies like this. All I can say is I am sad for giving up but there is no way I could have finished. Sorry girl 😦


Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: