Category Archives: Sexploitation

The Disco Exorcist

DiscoExorcistKay, do y’all remember that special channel on my Roku called Midnight Pulp where I found Antfarm Dickhole?  For the newbies:  1) Yes, that’s an actual movie 2)Yes, I watched it 3) NO, I did not finish it 4) but a couple of other brave souls did and you should really check out all the reviews.  My goodness gracious me…anyway I found The Disco Exorcist on the same channel and well…just look at it guys, look at it!!  How on earth could I pass this up?  Of course, I couldn’t.  So here’s the lowdown:

Rex Romanski is a 1970s disco swinger who loves and leaves the wrong woman – the wicked black magic priestess Rita Maria. And now it’s up to Rex to undo the scorned Rita’s rampage of revenge, murder and destruction before she claims more lives, and possesses the soul of the woman he loves. A sexy, irreverent horror comedy – Get Down… and Get Dead!

DiscoExorcist3

This is Rex. And yes, I would’ve totally been one of those 800 million girls to sleep with him. It’s the long hair, dammit, it’s my kryptonite!

Anyway, Rexie is like the ladies man – I mean, the film starts with him doing two chicks (wearing blue and pink wigs which I HIGHLY approved of) and videotaping it all while snorting coke off one of the girls’ asses.  Obviously this man is THE man.  After all that having of THE SEX, Rexie is off to the disco club to dance the night away.  He meets the most awesome, amazing, totes diesel babe (is that 70s lingo or am I in the 80s now?) and they dance all night, then go back to his place for some more of THE SEX.

This bitch be cray-cray.

This bitch be cray-cray.

The next morning he’s off for brunch with his friend (which means he’s going to a theatre to watch porn with his friend) and so he and amazeballs chick decide to meet up that night for more disco lovin’.  And they do and all is well until the most awesome, amazing, totes diesel babe walks into the club and Rexie is in love (wait…I’m seeing some very strong similarities to Romeo & Juliet here…) Anywho, Babe #1 is pissed and seeing as how she’s a witch or a voodoo priest (are those different??), she pulls out a chunk of Babe #2’s hair and curses her.  Then she goes all psycho, screaming and crying and leaves the club.  It’s like my every Friday night in college.

Then…um….oh yeah, for some reason everybody becomes porn stars – not sure why but whatevs, do your thing.  So there’s lots of sex on roller skates and then Babe #2 gets all black-eyed psycho with two other porn stars and wakes up like this:

Luckily, my Friday's in college DID NOT end up like this.

Luckily, my Friday’s in college DID NOT end up like this.

And then there’s a whole bunch of her being possessed, then not being possessed and there’s sex and more sex and then there’s the killing and then it turns out Rexie’s brother isn’t actually a priest but the guy that runs the club IS and he’s performed an exorcism before!  Holy Mary Mother of God, y’all!  And then there’s a whole bunch of exorcist stuff (well, okay seriously for having the word “exorcist” in the title, this has very little exorcisms) and there’s a relatively happy ending.  Hehehehe…happy ending…

So basically, I saw more penises and sex before 11 AM then you guys did and got to see some blood and zombie possessed porn stars just for extra measure.  Go me.

Bikini Bandits Experience (NSFW – SO NSFW, NSF Anything Really)

BikiniBandits1

Okay, guys – here we go!  I have NO idea how I’ve never come across Bikini Bandits Experience before or even this group because there are MORE MOVIES.  I also have no idea how to describe this exactly.  Whilst watching, I kept pondering how to go about describing the experience…so I think I’m going to try things this way.

There's this...

There’s this…

There's a couple of visits to Amish country...

There’s a couple of visits to Amish country…

Corey Feldman, y'all, Corey Feldman...

Corey Feldman, y’all, Corey Feldman…

BikiniBandits5

We got Satan, folks!

OH!  OH!!  Almost forgot this guy!

OH! OH!! Almost forgot this guy!

And can't forget these two because yeah, this happened.

And can’t forget these two because yeah, this happened.

So what else?  Well, here’s a handy list:

  • Dwarf
  • Penis Laser
  • Amish Porn
  • Devirginizing the Virgin Mary
  • Corey Feldman dancing
  • Spanking
  • Bondage Gear

The only thing this movie is lacking is Japanese schoolgirls, no lie.

So yeah, you’re welcome.  ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Puppet Monster Massacre

PuppetMonster

Major props to Mike over at Badasses, Boobs and Body Counts for doing a review of this gem and turning me on to it.  (And if you click that link, it’ll take you to his review!)  I am in love.  There are a lot of things I love in this world: rainbows, kittens, blowing bubbles, unicorns, NYC, books…I love it all really.  But this movie??  This movie was obviously made with me specifically in mind because it had all my favoritest movie things in one giant spectacular extravaganza.

Puppets?  Check.

Cute little furry animals?  Check.

Mad scientist with a penguin sidekick?  Check.

Puppet sex?  Check.

Nazis?  Check.

Douchebag guy with a fake English accent?  Check.

A girl not afraid to tell her boyfriend/non-boyfriend that he’s a pussy?  Check.

Blood and guts?  Check.

Foul mouthed grandpa?  Check.

This adorable little fella?  Check.

This adorable little fella? Check.

I really don’t even know where to start with this.  Do you need a plot summary with a title like that?  I sure as hell didn’t.  But if you are interested, Charlie is the pussy that lives with his foul mouthed Gramps and is in love with Gwen.  They both get mysterious letters inviting them to come spend the night at some house on a hill where if they survive the night they’ll get a million dollars (sound familiar?).  So who exactly invited them there?  Oh, just mad scientist out for revenge, Wolfgang Wagner with his penguin sidekick and his new pet monster.  Then we’ve got Raimi Campbell (hahahhaaaa!!  Love it!), the lispy nerd who is trying to get laid; Iggy, the punk ass fake English douche who apparently can’t fuck for more than a minute and a half and Mona, who likes to show her boobs.

If I post puppet boobs, will I get more hits on my site?

If I post puppet boobs, will I get more hits on my site?

The cinematography was kind of effing fantastic for a puppet movie, the script was deliciously quotable (“Why do you smell like carrots?” …..”I am going to head butt the shit out of you!”) and Raimi was hilarious.  Sure it’s nothing that’s never been done before but it throws together so many elements and nods to cinema history and all in puppet form that it totally rocked my socks.  There’s stop animation (at least I’m pretty sure that’s what I saw) that reminded me of Svankmajer, obvious nods to horror movies of past (Evil Dead and House on Haunted Hill for two), there’s a cartoon portion, there’s patriotic symbolism and did I mention the puppets having sex?  And the penguin?

If I haven’t convinced you by now, I’m sure nothing will but check out the trailer below.

 

 

Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader

Attackofthe50FootCheerleader

Yeah…so…this is one of those times when I really start to rethink my masochistic nature….any psychologists out there wanna weigh in on why I put myself through shit like this?  *sighs*

So yeah, this apparently involved Roger Corman (I know, I know…) and for some reason Treat Williams was here (really Treat??) and well…

She calls everybody a "dumb skank"...

She calls everybody a “dumb skank”…

 

Big girl in a tiny gym...

Big girl in a tiny gym…

 

Sadistic sorority girls...

Sadistic sorority girls…

 

Oh yeah...this...

Oh yeah…this…

 

Oh hi, Treat - how's it hangin'?

Oh hi, Treat – how’s it hangin’?

 

Soon enough, they'll both be topless...

Soon enough, they’ll both be topless…

 

So…is it bad that I want to punch everyone involved in this travesty in the face?  Normally I enjoy this sort of thing…but  no…just no…

*I’m slowly working my way through blog reading – I’m filming the next couple of weeks which is keeping me busy.  Also if I owe you a review and haven’t delivered yet, please send me an email and yell at me.  I’m slowly making my way through those too.*

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash

There’s nothing coherent in Bikini Bloodbath Carwash so really there’s nothing coherent in what I am about to say which is again stream of consciousness because really that’s the only way to get through things like this.  Why do I do this to myself?  *shakes head*

  • Naked girls dancing.
  • Directed and written by : Who the Fuck Cares (no really, that’s what it says!)
  • Professor hitting on girls in an odd way.
  • “I love Southern men.  Mmmm, fried chicken!”
  • A group of guys wearing shirts that say “College Student”
  • Why is this professor wearing a weird Popeye hat?
  • Sharon needs serious help with her grades.  Popeye just told her she’s getting fat.
  • What the hell? WHAT THE HELL?? I don’t even know if this is offensive.  Or what level of offensive it is.
  • Well, that was a waste of good coffee.
  • What college has lockers?
  • Apparently this movie will involve spanking…
  • This woman wants to be Janeane Garofalo…
  • Scrub and wax, ladies, scrub and wax…
  • Poor Sharon’s having a rough day.  *shakes head*
  • Lesbian oral sex
  • I’m positive washing cars with body parts is an excellent way to get your car clean.
  • Oh dear god, someone’s about to be served.  This just got EPIC!!
  • Funny, guys break dancing has never turned me on like that.  Apparently something is wrong with me.
  • “Hey sexy lady, you have strong meat fingers.”
  • Oh hell yes, girl gang fight/dance off with knives.  I am in LOVE.
  • This may be the best thing I have ever witnessed in my life.  I am doing this. I am fighting a girl in this style.
  • Well, this seance came on rather quickly. And that is the most ghetto homemade ouija board ever.
  • Wait, some girl killed a chef?  And sodomy upsets Jenny.
  • Killed a monstrous chef with a rake.  And apparently the ouija board just called up his spirit.  Okay, now I’m on top of this.  Kinda.  Sorta.
  • Shower scene, shower scene, shower scene…
  • Back to Popeye the professor.  He’s not in the shower scene just to clarify.  And his name is Professor Shipwreck.  Apparently he teaches physics…with gasoline and basketballs…and discusses how babies are made…
  • Why does everyone hate Sharon??  I’m so tired of them telling her she’s fat because um, no…
  • Ike has a really nice, thick and bushy mustache.
  • “What I don’t get is that Professor Shipwreck was telling me that if I showed him my b’s he’d give me an A….”  “It’s probably the metric system.”  “You are SO smart.”
  • Finally some killing!  And intestine sucking.
  • Pretty sure I would appreciate half the scenes in this movie more if I was a guy or a lesbian.
  • “I want to get a mustache ride.”  HA!
  • Apparently, it’s a common problem for ghosts to take shits in house and not clean them up.
  • “And bring some motherfucking tapioca pudding!”  “That’s weird…but okay!”
  • Axe to the head with neon red blood!  This killer chef should be killing with like cooking instruments.
  • “What have you done with your hair?  It’s so much more pubic than I recall!”
  • “What did you think of that knife fight?”  “I want a monkey!”  “Me too!!”  Hugs.
  • And…I think I just lost my fondness for guys with long hair after this scene….
  • Oh good, killer chef is going to save Peaches from her would be transvestite rapist!  And now he’s using cooking utensils to kill!
  • AHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHH.  Oh god, oh god, oh god, that was horrible.  He just cut off that guy’s nipple and it was horrible and then he stuck it to Peaches head.
  • Camel Toe Liquor.  *sighs*
  • Worst chugger ever.
  • The complete ridiculousness of these caricatures are just insane.  And this is the lamest party ever.  Now, I could tell you some stories about parties…oh could I ever…and if these people don’t stop dancing I just might.
  • Still dancing….so this one time in college there was this party that became known in the epic after tales as Boobie Bungalow…there was a lot of – wait, they finally stopped dancing!  Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
  • I think they’re trying to recreate the final scene of Revenge of the Nerds here and it’s failing epically.
  • What is this weird cup flipping and drinking game?
  • Yay killer chef!!!  Why does he only show up like every 20 minutes.  It feels like hours in between his appearances.  This whole movie feels like it’s been on for 800 years.  Oh dear, it’s only been on 45 minutes.  And since when did this chef apparently try to kill everybody else in the past?  Why is that guy deep throating his beer bottle?
  • I will never get in a hot tub again.
  • Um..football players have shower buddies?
  • Sometimes even I question why I watch these things.  I think I need a beer.
  • Did he just give his football player friend a bj in the hot tub?  And then says he’s been going to the bathroom in the hot tub the whole time?  Oh, it’s because he misses his mom.  Of course.
  • Killer chef!!  Drowning in hot tub!  And chopping onions?
  • I don’t think anyone in this movie likes anyone else in this movie.  There is a LOT of  physical violence happening and not by killer chef.
  • Tricycles of the apocalypse…I need to use that phrase in conversation more often.
  • Do we really need to see the pee going into the toilet?  Oh hey, Killer Chef!!  He totally just sullied that cute shirt that said Hooker.
  • I don’t…what?  What? I can’t even follow…I just…I have no words…I…
  • 12 minutes left.  Just 12 more minutes.
  • I always want waffles after I discover dead friends too.  It’s only natural.
  • We need weapons…but not the police.  Because calling the police would just be silly.  Instead we’ll fight the killer chef off with balloons and baseball bats.
  • Professor Shipwreck gets hit in the balls a lot.
  • This reminds me of Broken Lizard’s Club Dread except for the fact that THAT was a good movie.
  • Ooohhhh, I think killer chef’s power lays in his hat!
  • Hahahaha, that totally made me laugh!  Someone is using the power of “hiding under the blanket makes you invisible to monsters” method.
  • TONG FIGHT!!
  • Well, good for fat Sharon.  She went to get waffles so I bet she’ll live.
  • Everybody in this film is wearing pink.  I think I want to wear pink more often.
  • Killer Chef has lost his head!
  • And now the last two standing are going to join Sharon for waffles.

Well, that was certainly on helluva ride, boys and girls.  Far from being the worst thing I’ve ever seen, I’m certainly not better off having seen it.  But on the plus side I picked up some knife fighting/dance techniques and I don’t feel a need to take a shower so all in all, a ridiculously stupid time!

Sacred Flesh

Not only is this sexsploitation but it’s nunsploitation.  Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have another entry in the more often done than one would think nunsploitation genre.  At least this one tries to make a point (I mean a point other than “nuns having sex is cool”.)

Sacred Flesh opens with Father Henry, the abbot, and his over sexed servant, Richard, being summoned by a convent’s abbess.  As they make the journey, Father Henry and Richard discuss the pros and cons of chastity.  They arrive at their destination to find that the mother superior is having visions of Mary Magdalene and a dead skeletal nun.  The abbess believes this is due to sexual repression and wishes it to be stopped with the mother superior rather than spreading.

The rest of the movie mostly concentrates on Sister Elizabeth, the mother superior, and her debates with Mary Magdalene over desire and chastity, the pleasures of the flesh and the sins of repression.  Interspersed in their musings are vignettes representing other nuns’ confessions and fantasies.  They start with self-pleasuring, move to flagellation and lesbian sex, finally ending with a nun being violated by two priests, another nun tied to a cross and also violated, while others nuns have a three-way.

Some of the images are disturbing especially if you’re religious or spiritual.  The underlying message of whether or not abstinence and virtue are, in this day and age, still applicable is certainly an interesting topic and one that should be addressed.  I’m just not sure this was the best way to do it.  The trailer is as usual below but if any of this doesn’t appeal to you, please don’t watch the trailer and please remember while it’s light on the nudity it’s probably NSFW!

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