Category Archives: Lo-Budget
Hansel & Gretel
Fuck yeah, Asylum!! Hansel & Gretel
No, for realz, we’re teenagers. Totes.
So above we have Hansel & Gretel, who are like, totally teenagers, y’all. Gretel works at the local bakery called “The Gingerbread House” (ha! get it??) where Lilith serves up the best meat pies around. And we all know what happens when meat pies are involved, right, kiddies? I mean, we all did see Sweeney Todd, yeah? No?…. Anywho. H&G’s mom died at some point and Hansel feels really guilty about that (although I couldn’t ever figure out WHY – like maybe there was a car wreck when she was coming to pick him up or something?) but she’s been gone long enough that Gretel mentions not being able to remember her as well as she should. Well, good old Pops has been seeing this religious chick named Ruby for like a month or something and now they’re getting married. Hansel, being the whiny little asshat he is, starts yelling and crying and runs off into the woods in anger. Okay, I totally made that crying part up but still. Gretel gives chase to try to talk some sense into her idiot twin brother when whoopsie, he steps into a conveniently placed bear trap. Ouch.
Don’t worry, hon. Lilith will fix that nasty little boo boo up right quick.
The only place around ends up being Lilith’s from “The Gingerbread House” and Lilith is totes a sweetie so of course she bandages that wound up and feeds Hansel all the pastries in the world and then some “special” candy that she takes for her glaucoma. *giggles* Next thing you know, Hansel’s fast asleep and Lilith’s all, “Oh just stay here tonight, kiddies.” Then she gives Gretel some “magic” tea that knocks Gretel right the hell out. This is the point where I started to be wary of Lilith’s intentions here, just sayin’.
Lalala, chores instead of leaving the house for the hospital for my brother, tralalala….
The next morning Gretel wakes up to find her brother gone with an explanation of a neighbor having taken him to the hospital. Why doesn’t she leave straightaway? Well, the woods are dangerous, y’all, she might as well wait for that neighbor to come back for her. In the meantime, might as well help Lilith out with a few chores, right? Hansel wakes up to an entirely different scenario – one where he’s locked in a dungeon with three other teens who tell him that they’re being fattened up to be cooked later on. Hansel isn’t the brightest crayola in the box so he kinda just goes, ‘Huh, what? Oh pastries! Oh wait, don’t eat those!” And this is about the time we meet these fellows…
Damn right, Mommie Dearest has kids!
Awww, just look at those adorable twinsies. And after this comes some back story about Lilith losing a daughter and being 800 million years old and then everyone’s running around trying not to get cooked and those big dudes go all Leatherface on people and there’s a cop (and the killer exchange of: Gretel – “You shot the sheriff!!” Lilith – “Oh, I shot the deputy too.” Totes brills) and Pops and Ruby show up and there’s a lot of weird stuff that makes you think Ruby is actually Lilith’s daughter but no, that’s totes trickster and then well, ya know…it’s Hansel & Gretel – we kind of know where this is going.
I WANTED you to be my daughter, you bitch! We’re just alike, you know!
Seriously, this is by far, the best Asylum flick I’ve seen. Dee Wallace is KILLER with her witchy psychotic granny portrayal (and you know, that’s really what makes this movie cause the other actors I could take or leave). There’s one scene where Hansel starts to eat himself because he is so delicious (insert raunchy jokes here) that was super fun and not as fake as the usual Asylum stuff is and another girl getting sliced and diced with this crazy wires also works out really well. Of course we have our moments where Ruby is dead but moving, the cops are at the top of the idiot food chain and it’s ridiculous to think Lilith who has been doing this for years now just woke up and thought to herself, “Welll, gosh darnit, I’m gonna have me those twins even if I have to take the whole town down to do it.” Seriously, WTF, Lilith? *sighs*
If you love The Asylum, you definitely have to check this one out!
Bikini Bandits Experience (NSFW – SO NSFW, NSF Anything Really)
Okay, guys – here we go! I have NO idea how I’ve never come across Bikini Bandits Experience
There’s this…
There’s a couple of visits to Amish country…
Corey Feldman, y’all, Corey Feldman…
We got Satan, folks!
OH! OH!! Almost forgot this guy!
And can’t forget these two because yeah, this happened.
So what else? Well, here’s a handy list:
- Dwarf
- Penis Laser
- Amish Porn
- Devirginizing the Virgin Mary
- Corey Feldman dancing
- Spanking
- Bondage Gear
The only thing this movie is lacking is Japanese schoolgirls, no lie.
So yeah, you’re welcome. 
House of Fears
*Before we start, if you haven’t yet checked out Guerrilla Graffiti, you definitely should! There is so much awesome happening there it’s almost overwhelming. 
Two examples: FALLEN (by me!) and “It’s a ‘Listen to the Beatles on Vinyl in Headphones’ Kind of Night”.*
I’m 95% certain the only reason I added House of Fears 
There’s nothing new when it comes to House of Fears – it’s the typical “teens sneak into an abandoned fun house for teenage sexy shenanigans when an ancient evil awakens and preys upon them” sort of gag but where others have been able to make this plot into something ridiculously hilarious, House of Fears manages to do a not half bad job of making a decent movie. As by the numbers as it may be, the actors don’t totally suck, the script tried it’s best to add layers and the evil clown when it did finally show up was effing terrifying. I also rather enjoyed the use of scarecrows happening here. Not enough evil scarecrows in the world – I can only think of like 4 other movies of the top of my head.
We’re pretty so of course we’re going to die!
What we’ve got here are: the adorable couple that can’t keep their hands off of each other, two stepsisters who aren’t fond of each other and the dude the stepsisters are fighting over (okay, really it’s actually less melodramatic than that – one girl doesn’t like her stepsister, the other sister is kind of ambivalent about the whole thing and it’s the dude that’s trying to get them to fight over him). Still we’ve got our stereotypes (and there’s a prankster around, he’s just not in this photo). We’ve got a funhouse of fears that has a handful of classic phobias and a monkey statue! I almost forgot about that monkey statue – that’s the big KEY TO IT ALL in this. AND there’s power tools! Kind of a smorgasbord really.
And of course there’s this guy.
So what I’m really trying to say here, while using a lot of words to say nothing at all, is mostly that I’m sleepy but other than that I’m saying I wouldn’t recommend you go out of your way to hunt this one down but if you happen to come across it one rainy day, it’s not a bad way to pass the time.
Behind the Scenes of Episode 1 of “When the Lights Go Out”
Here it is the very first behind the scenes video from the upcoming web series “When the Lights Go Out”, shot and edited by the always brilliant Amanda Diane Theresa Castro-Conroy (you may know her as the woman who did my headshots and most of the other photos you’ve seen on this page. And if you like what you’ve seen from her, maybe you’d also like to head over to Facebook and give her new photography page a like? I know she’d really appreciate it!). I would like to say before you watch that I swear I’m much more intelligent than I seem here and WAYYYY less narcissistic. Really!! Most of what I’m saying is a combination of being super tired and mocking myself, lol. Also when I mention movie bloggers I am talking about YOU, E! *giggles* I should never, ever be allowed to speak on camera unless I’m acting. Like EVER. Anyway, we all from “When the Lights Go Out” hope you enjoy the sneak peek! The entire web series is now written and we’re just trying to find the time to finish filming.
I also want to add that I’ll also be posting something else tomorrow…and the next day! Omg, I finally had time to watch a movie!!!! Yay!! So weird, it’s like people think this is a movie review site or something…
Anyway, thanks for watching and for repeatedly coming back by my site, you guys’ support is more appreciated than you will ever know!!
The Puppet Monster Massacre
Major props to Mike over at Badasses, Boobs and Body Counts for doing a review of this gem and turning me on to it. (And if you click that link, it’ll take you to his review!) I am in love. There are a lot of things I love in this world: rainbows, kittens, blowing bubbles, unicorns, NYC, books…I love it all really. But this movie?? This movie was obviously made with me specifically in mind because it had all my favoritest movie things in one giant spectacular extravaganza.
Puppets? Check.
Cute little furry animals? Check.
Mad scientist with a penguin sidekick? Check.
Puppet sex? Check.
Nazis? Check.
Douchebag guy with a fake English accent? Check.
A girl not afraid to tell her boyfriend/non-boyfriend that he’s a pussy? Check.
Blood and guts? Check.
Foul mouthed grandpa? Check.
This adorable little fella? Check.
I really don’t even know where to start with this. Do you need a plot summary with a title like that? I sure as hell didn’t. But if you are interested, Charlie is the pussy that lives with his foul mouthed Gramps and is in love with Gwen. They both get mysterious letters inviting them to come spend the night at some house on a hill where if they survive the night they’ll get a million dollars (sound familiar?). So who exactly invited them there? Oh, just mad scientist out for revenge, Wolfgang Wagner with his penguin sidekick and his new pet monster. Then we’ve got Raimi Campbell (hahahhaaaa!! Love it!), the lispy nerd who is trying to get laid; Iggy, the punk ass fake English douche who apparently can’t fuck for more than a minute and a half and Mona, who likes to show her boobs.
If I post puppet boobs, will I get more hits on my site?
The cinematography was kind of effing fantastic for a puppet movie, the script was deliciously quotable (“Why do you smell like carrots?” …..”I am going to head butt the shit out of you!”) and Raimi was hilarious. Sure it’s nothing that’s never been done before but it throws together so many elements and nods to cinema history and all in puppet form that it totally rocked my socks. There’s stop animation (at least I’m pretty sure that’s what I saw) that reminded me of Svankmajer, obvious nods to horror movies of past (Evil Dead and House on Haunted Hill for two), there’s a cartoon portion, there’s patriotic symbolism and did I mention the puppets having sex? And the penguin?
If I haven’t convinced you by now, I’m sure nothing will but check out the trailer below.
Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft
Most misleading movie poster EVER
So I once again had time to watch a movie today (and by “had time to watch a movie”, I mean of course that I was doing 12 things at once) and settled on Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft
Oddly, this is the only screen shot I can seem to find…
I think my favorite thing about this film is that Eric Roberts and Cherie Currie are in it. Yes, you did read that correctly – Cherie Currie. It kind of seems reasonable to me that Eric Roberts would be a in a tween supernatural movie like this but that Cherie Currie thing was a surprise. And Eric Roberts is FABULOUS. And by fabulous I mean, he spends the majority of the movie peering around the side of a building, then spends 5 minutes hilariously training this young witch slayer before promptly dying. I think he had like 10 lines total. Luckily, this flick doesn’t seem to be taking itself too seriously at all. The story makes only mild to middling sense but it’s filled with a bunch of pretty 20 year olds passing themselves off as teens at a private high school. Seriously took me the whole damn movie though to figure out what the hell Hansel & Gretel had to do with any of this.
RANDOM THOUGHTS:
- Of course the saviours will be twins – they must ALWAYS twins.
- Booboo Stewart – please tell me that’s a stage name.
- I like how when they left one campus to move to the other one, the campuses look EXACTLY the same. And they keep using the same wide exterior shot over and over again.
- I don’t understand why this house has no furniture. NONE.
- I’m also not sure about this girl’s outfit but then I suck at matching and stuff so maybe it actually IS a good outfit.
- I am so tired of seeing this one tree over and over when they shoot outside.
- I still have no idea how this ties into Hansel & Gretel. Oh btw, Hansel & Gretel aren’t actually named that. They’re named Ella and Jonah.
- Omg, a pentagram just appeared on Gretel’s floor!! But she didn’t see it!!
- Oh!! I think I know who the main Witch Bitch is!!! I can’t tell you though. No spoilers here!
- Hansel’s really hot but he’s kind of a douche to his twin sister.
- Gretel found a key! Shit’s about to get real!
- Yep, totes called it on the main Witch Bitch!!
So to sum up, not wonderful but not bad but definitely for the younger demographic. Also I realized that until today I had been spelling “Gretel” as “Gretal”….oops…
V/H/S
Omg, I finally had time to watch a movie!!! I know, I know, I am way behind the bandwagon on V/H/S
Anyway, my initial thoughts on this were I really dug it but I definitely didn’t dig it all. I’ll try to keep this mostly spoiler free on the off chance someone else actually hasn’t seen it. We all know it’s an anthology so it’s 4 or 5 different segments. Basic premise is a bunch of douchey guys who go around grabbing girls’ boobs and filming it for some sleazy pornorific site decide to do the ultimate bad and break into a house to steal a VHS tape (not sure why THAT is the ultimate bad but the ringleader seems convinced it’ll be the biggest and best thing they’ll ever do…weirdo….). So off they go and off they break in and lo and behold, there’s a dead dude just hanging out in a chair with a bunch of tv’s playing static. Kinda creepy, no? Now, not one of these douchebags has a freaking clue what tape they’re looking for (most poorly planned heist EVER) so they just start going around and watching any tape they can get there hands on. Ergo, vignettes.
I really, really like you.
First up, we have this chica who really just wants to be loved and is seriously misunderstood. This was probably my favorite of the bunch. Scumbags getting there comeuppance? Totes there!
Love you, babe, really.
Then we’ve got this gal along with what must be the most boring couple of all time. Seriously was bored through out this one. The twist was not twisty enough and there wasn’t enough build up to the twist and it was just blah.
Paranormal Activity 4?
Kay, I might be getting these next few a little out of order. This one was middling. Loved the use of video chatting for the whole thing but they didn’t tell enough of the story for me to really care. Dude’s a creep but I’m not entirely sure if this was an alien thing or if he’s just really into the black market.
One learns from V/H/S to never try to save a pretty girl.
Now this one was awesome. Short, sweet, simple and straight to the point. You never know what you’re messing around with kiddies so be very very careful. Just because a bunch of dudes are trying to cut a girl up in some sort of crazy ritual, doesn’t mean they don’t have a good reason.
Dead Man Floating
Now this one I didn’t love but I did really dig the camera work they had going on. This one involves a girl who likes to tell people they’re going to die and some sort of entity that can only be seen via video and the entity and the way they shot it totally creeped me out. Major props for that.
Random thoughts:
- Pretty well done but definitely hot and cold overall. A good time all around but it’s no Trick’r'Treat.
- There’s one scene where the dead dude in the chair is gone and NOBODY seems to notice. WTF? I think I’d notice if dead dudes were suddenly prowling the house because that is totes not cool, y’all.
- There was a lot of cool camera direction here (and of course a lot of the annoying shaky cam) but it definitely was food for thought and gave me some new ways to look at how I want to film things in the future.
If you haven’t seen it already, definitely give it a go. There’s lots of creepy and a little bit of gore and you’ll be rooting for a whole bunch of people to die!
When the Lights Go Out (Behind the Scenes)
We filmed for 9 hours yesterday and got the first episode of “When the Lights Go Out” filmed! It was a super long day and it was super cold but it was AMAZING. My cast and crew are simply the best! Here’s a few pics of behind the scenes and an unedited video.
What are we studying so intently??? You’ll have to watch to find out…
Director/cinematographer/sound girl/Gal Friday EXTRAORDINAIRE!!
“Jordan”
“Tiffany”
“Jordan”, “Savvy” and “Tiffany”
“Harold” and “Tiffany” and the psychic hotline
Coffee breaks are the BEST
“Tiffany” recording her video diary.
“Harold” interfering.
Ghosts are scary, y’all!
Since I didn’t have time yesterday, I’m watching something today and will post it late tonight or tomorrow morning. Yay, Happy Monday, y’all!
2012: Ice Age
2012: Ice Age
We start with a man in a car with his son and daughter. He’s dropping the girl off at the airport so she can catch her flight back to college. While he’s there he gets in touch with a dude in Canada (or something) who does something sciency. Science guy tells Dad that a volcano is erupting and um…glaciers are going crazy? Yeah, sure, let’s go with that. Next is a race against time as a glacier (or glaciers?) start eating up the East Coast of the US and nature wreaks havoc. I think.
As with most movies of this nature, the science is a bit…questionable. Like when Mom, Dad and Brother are trying to call Daughter and Mom screams, “Why isn’t she answering her phone? She’s on a plane! Don’t they have wi-fi now??” Um…WHAT?? I’m pretty sure there’s this whole law or rule or something about cell phones being off on planes that has nothing to do with wi-fi…unless I am the one who is getting the science and logistics wrong here…The weather is fun, ranging from snow and ice storms to hurtling winds to volcanic eruptions to earthquakes. Lots of random people die and a whole bunch of nothing happens. Finally, the US government and military declare war on the glacier. Yes, that is a line in the movie – “You declared war on a glacier?” Ha!
This will never be winning any kind of award like EVER but if you have a hankering for cheesy disaster sci-fi…well, really, skip this and go for something more fun.
Bigfoot – Guest Review by Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie
First off, Happy New Year’s, y’all!! My hiatus is pretty much over and I’ve almost recovered from the Alabama Death Plague so yay! Hope you all had a fabulous NYE – 2013 is going to be majorly kickawesome!! And to start it off, we have a fabulous guest review by Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie. Don’t know if you all have checked out Tim’s site yet but seriously look at that name. That’s like my freaking tagline right there. I’m kinda jealous I didn’t think of that first actually. Anyway, Tim has all sorts of cool action happening on his site so swing by and check him out! And thank you, Tim, for taking on Bigfoot
Billed as starring “70s cultural icons” Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams, two dudes I wouldn’t recognise, Bigfoot is a slice of B-movie heaven that veers from the inspired to woeful.
I’m assuming these are the icons, no?
The film opens with a prologue that is probably its coolest moment. An awesome food chain inspired sequence that sees a frog eat an insect, a fish eat that frog, a bear eat that fish, a man shoot that bear, then finally the bigfoot eat the man. As the film gets going, I recognise one of the aforementioned icons (I think Williams) to be obviously a former star of The Brady Bunch (here he comes complete with a harem of young environmentalist women). The story, not that is important, takes place in Deadwood, South Dakota as preparations for a throwback 80s music festival see trees being chopped down to make way for the stage, leading to one exceptionally pissed off Bigfoot who starts throwing down. Clashing over the environmental aspects of this tale are two former bandmates, one now a greenie, the other the organiser of the festival (and terrible radio jockey). This story goes on and on, so much so that you will be chanting “We want more Bigfoot” like I was before too long. Thankfully the filmmakers oblige with a bigfoot laden last half hour.
Thank you Google Images for THIS – awesomesauce!!
What is important of course is the frickin Bigfoot. Initially I was quite impressed with the special effects that show this huge beast. But then I opened my eyes a little and realised that they are rather atrocious. They seem to get increasingly bad as the film wears on. Like the filmmakers blew their budget on the first couple. Some of the ones toward the end of the film are actually clearly unfinished effects shots. Whilst the rest of them, except for the first couple, look like Playstation 1 level computer graphics copy and pasted onto your screen.
Depending on your point of view Bigfoot is either so bad it’s good, or just so bad. I tend to think it is the former. It sort of has to be watched for the simple awesomeness of its murderous Bigfoot. Not to mention its hippy ex-Brady Buncher vs failed 80s rock star capitalist storyline. Throw in a legitimately nonsensical script and some comically bad, in the best B movie kind of the way, acting and you have some B monster fantasticness.
OMG, I just totally fell in love with that trailer…Thanks again to Tim from Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie!
