Category Archives: Irregular Posting

Welcome to Devil Week! with I’m Not Jesus Mommy

Devil Week

It’s Devil Week over at the IPCs  because everyone needs more devil in their lives, right? Starting yesterday, there’ll be five days worth of movies with the word devil in the title that may or may not have to do with the devil at all! (Or in this case, not necessarily in the title but ya know…E said it was totes cool!) And so I present our He Said/She Said of I’M NOT JESUS MOMMY:

I'mnotJesus

HE SAID:

I’ve never been a real big fan of “The Omen” style Antichrist movies, probably because I was bred into a religious environment growing up, and, as a  Sagittarius, I can’t really take it when people tell me what to do and how to think and what’s trendy and what to watch and what to do and everything else. The “Sag” is a free spirit who makes his (her) own decisions by trying it out himself (herself) before making the decision of like or dislike or hang on to or get rid of. So, here we have an Apocalypse movie, via “The Rapture” that’s really (thankfully) not too preachy but, honestly, suffers from WAY too much slowness, boredom and, I do hate it, but not too much budget.  With “Amber Lake“, those folks showed us how to make a really GOOD movie with no money. Here, the acting is pretty bad from everyone, but it’s not like I just hired my neighbor from across the street to do the co-star role for 200 bucks, I think it’s just a lack of experience. I am always appreciative that a movie gets made (who knows if I’ll ever even finish my screenplay and try), much less gets picked up and  distributed, but this was just kind of too slow. I mean, I think they really tried, but, for real, I played 20 rounds of Words With Friends during the loooooong musical interludes because I was not interested, I thought about how I might review this because I think they had a good idea which could have been much better with some more funding, I thought about how (in no way ever) I could give some money for a better remake and, for those of you who look at this, I thought about how I had the shot in my back today and I could finally sit comfortably, and I thought about how I have to go to work tomorrow. Anyway, this is boring and slow and has several record-playing pauses that dim any excitement that might be brewing, BUT – it’s a good story, if you don’t mind a Christian style End-of-Days Rapture thing.

So – a very large chested woman named Bridget McGrath plays a very successful fertility doctor named Kimberly Gabriel who can’t have kids of her own. She is opted in to a U.S. Army experiment where an actor named Charles Hubbell (Dr. Gibson) has finally figured out how to clone a human embryo. Despite her initial reservations, she decides to go along with the experiments on illegal Mexican aliens as hosts and goes ahead and self-inseminates herself with one of the clone-embryos. Sure enough, it takes (but none of the others do) and eventually she Cesarean-style has a baby she names David (complete with an upside down cross indention on his baby-head). Shortly after that, we cut to seven years later, the Earth is in famine, war and death (Revelations), everyone seems to have “the mark of the beast”, the U.S. is in some sort of Ice Age and (I think) the Mexican government is controlling everything from food to water and bread and there is no gas or electricity. Kim and her son David are living alone in a cold, cold apartment and he Doctor (Hubbell) has gone bat-shit religious, preaching (and praying) constantly to his live-in sister and her daughter.

I’ll stop here, because this is a decent (but very slow) movie and I shouldn’t spoil it, but this could be much better. Let’s ax the record playing, the CGI cold breath, the way, WAY too many close-up shots, the irritating preaching by Hubbell, the clothes-with-no-bodies-Rapture business and make this into something exciting that’s not “Vanishing on 7th Street“. To me it’s “to each their own” and I have long read into the dogma of Christianity (and many other religions) and I get it, but how about someone funds something that is actually scary about the Apocalypse, which is a fearful thought, whichever “ism” you believe in. It’s been a LONGtime since I saw it with my friend Dave M, but I think my favorite of these types of things is “The Prophecy” with none other than my main man, Christopher Walken.

 

I'mnotJesus

SHE SAID:

No, no you are NOT Jesus because I’m fairly certain Jesus would’ve had the common courtesy to put a comma in that freaking title.  Seriously.  That’s the first thing that’s wrong with I’m Not Jesus Mommy but never fear, that’s not the only thing that’s wrong here, trust me.  There’s lots more to come!

The story starts out with a woman.  She’s a cancer survivor but unfortunately the cancer left her unable to conceive.  She has a husband who seems pretty sweet and loving – I mean they spend the first 20 minutes of the movie dancing around the kitchen and drinking wine and snuggling.  In between the lovey-dovey, there are shots of the woman (Kimberly, btw) being interviewed because she is also a fertility doctor (irony!), then going to a top super secret meeting with military personnel, then getting all furious because at this top super secret meeting she learns that these people are cloning, then after that she decides to take a job with them.  Hey, minds can be changed in the blink of an eye.

Roger is the lead doctor of this top super secret cloning project which seems to mostly consist of catching illegal immigrants and offering them the chance to become a permanent resident if they agree to be implanted and carry a baby to term.  The embryos that aren’t implanted are destroyed which agonizes Kimberly.  So what does she do?  She grabs the first one she sees and impregnates herself, of course!  No learning anything about the embryo or where it came from or any characteristics of it, nope, just point and shoot with the turkey baster.  She’s totes excited about this and runs home to tell her husband who becomes furious.  Why?  Because she didn’t ask him and this wasn’t just her decision.  This was an odd turn of events to me because it’s made pretty apparent before hand that Kimberly really really wants a baby and if you didn’t want a baby, Mr. Husband, pretty sure you should’ve said something like, AGES ago.  *shakes head, rolls eyes*  Mr. Husband runs off in a rage and immediately gets into a car wreck where his car is flipped over.  Then another car comes along a minute later and smashes into him.  Oh well.

Baby is born (which is pretty epic because all the other embryos implanted were still-born), baby is baptized.  And suddenly, it’s 7 years later and the world has gone crazy.  Mexico has closed off its borders and built a wall to discourage US and Canadian citizens from crossing into their land.  People are being fed government rations and starving.  There’s barely any electricity or heat and all that’s on the telly are the government rules (curfews, punishment for not obeying the rules).  Life pretty much sucks.

I'm sorry, mommy, I didn't mean to start the apocalypse.

I’m sorry, mommy, I didn’t mean to start the apocalypse.

Now, remember Roger, the cloning guru?  Well, he’s gone extremely religious.  He’s somewhere between fanatic and extremist.  I mean, he’s smothering people in the name of love and all that (just a note – one of the people he smothers is an adorable little child so if that sort of thing bothers you, for sure never watch this one).  And baby?  Well, his name’s David and he has an imaginary friend named Kuddles and his mommy is dying and he wants to go to Mexico.  There’s a lot of “yada, yada, government is bad, yada, yada, mommy is dying, yada, yada” exposition and then suddenly we’re at the end of this thing without anything really having happened.  I will tell you this much about the end.  The whole “I’m not Jesus” thing comes about from David having been cloned from blood found on the Shroud of Turin.  Yep, he’s supposed to be a Jesus clone.

So what are my issues here?  How about a handy little list?

1.  The acting is bad.  Kimberly is completely monotone.  “My baby!” carries as much weight here as “I took out the garbage.” It’s entirely distracting.

2.  This movie has no idea what it wants to be about.  It starts off being about the dangers of cloning, then suddenly it turns into a statement about immigration, THEN it goes all religious and finally at the very end, it’s about cloning again.  Now if they had picked just one of these (hell, even two) it would’ve made for a much more linear narrative but instead we get a jumble that doesn’t know what it wants to be preaching about.

3.  The description I read about the movie before I watched states that “odd things happen when David is around”.  NOTHING odd happens when David is around except that he’s a weird kid that wants to bring his mom back to life when she dies.  And there’s one instance where Kuddles seems to “come to life”, so to speak.

4.  We see people getting killed and then a minute later, all that’s left of them is their clothing.  So we seem to have the Rapture going on but why do they need to die first for this to happen?  Admittedly, I haven’t gone to church in awhile but my understanding is that you can just be raptured without being killed first.

5.  Why did the world suddenly go all Big Brother crazy?  There is NO indication of this happening prior to the title card “7 Years Later”.  Did cloning make this happen, is that what we’re supposed to surmise?  This plot point seemed to come totally out of left field.

So much wrong when this could’ve been so much of a right.  *sighs*

New Reviews on the Way

I have new reviews on the way, I promise! Work is killing me though – NEVER WORK WITH CRAZY PEOPLE. Oy. This is me right now b/c of work:

TOTES

TOTES

 

And THIS is the rainbow from yesterday:

*middle fingers*

*middle fingers*

 

I was totally all “Eff you!” and “Where’s my leprechaun?” and “Aren’t unicorns supposed to be eating you??” (despite taking a picture of it, ahem). ;)

Back to reviews though, we have AUFDRUCK/LABEL; “Please Punish Me” (kinky!); Messiah and The Perfect House coming your way (and more b/c I have finally caught up on some shiz, yay!). So anyway, sorry, I’m trying, bear with me, please if you’re so inclined.

<3’s & rainbows & all that crap!

Run Yourself Silly for a Good Cause with The Rogue Runners!

Walking Dead Cover

Are you a runner (or a walker or anything in between)? Are you a geek (or a nerd or a dork)? Have you a favorite fandom or gaming obsession or fabulous sword collection or anything like that? If you answered YES! to any of those 3 questions, then you NEED to know about this new group, The Rogue Runners. They’ve only just launched and already I’m super excited! So who exactly are they?

The Rogue Runners was created by Carry Crawford, a woman in Jersey (you might remember her from Misty & Carry’s Drunken Reviews for past Shitfests!), who enjoys participating in 5ks and other runs. However, she found that they could get very expensive quickly. For just one person, registration is often $40-60; there are the travel expenses (even if it’s local there may be parking fees or even just food and drink while you’re out for the day); and for smaller runs it’s rare to get a participation medal – most of the time it’s a t-shirt and some other printed gear like pens or keychains. When Carry heard about Virtual Runs – 5ks (or more) that you can do on your own time wherever you are – it seemed to hit all the best parts of what doing an event meant to her. They are less expensive because you don’t have all the overhead of an organized run; you can still donate to a good charity; and you can receive a fun participation medal for being involved. Cool, huh? Honestly, I’d never heard of Virtual Runs till I spoke with Carry (I had to give up running a couple of years ago is probably the reason why but now that my health is better, I’m thinking this is the perfect way to start back up again!).

Still, Carry said, there was an element missing…The one piece that was lacking with the majority of virtual runs Carry found was the subject matter. For instance, a medal with a cartoon-y Santa lounging at the beach just didn’t get her interested. See, Carry (like a lot of people) is into a lot of geeky stuff – Star Wars, Star Trek, Tolkein, comic books – and she had a hard time finding runs that spoke to that side of her. As she said, “I knew there must be other people who would like a participation medal inspired by their favorite movies or shows!” And thus, The Rogue Runners was born – “Virtual Runs for Real Charities with a Side of Geekdom”! This way you can get cool medals for doing something you like or perhaps this will get fans of those subjects interested in getting involved in a virtual run. At the same time, money is being raised for great charities, so a win for everyone!

So what’s up with the charity part? Well, every good turn deserves another, and so for each race held, a portion of the proceeds will be donated to various charities with participants having a choice between two charities for where they want their part of the donation to go. Kickawesome right? Totes. For example, the inaugural race is The Running Dead (yes, indeed it IS The Walking Dead and the medal is wicked mad, ya’ll!) and the two charities you can choose from are NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association – because eating, get it? Ha! And more importantly because eating disorders suck and they wreak havoc and they are WAY too fucking prevalent) AND Puppies Behind Bars (AWWW!!!).

Seriously, could this BE more cool??? I’m already making a list of my favorite TV shows and cult films as well as charities to be taken into consideration, haha. If you have suggestions, holler at The Rogue Runners via Facebook, Twitter or their website (they’d love to hear from you!). And finally here are the deets for The Running Dead, mwhahahahaha:

RunningDead

Join us October 11-17, 2015 in celebration of the return of our favorite zombie show! Walk, jog or run at your own pace for a 5k, 10k, Half Marathon or Full Marathon and imagine gathering supplies, looking for other apocalypse survivors and outrunning the walking dead!

Every participant will receive a one-of-a-kind medal* measuring about 3″ in diameter and including a ribbon to wear proudly, display, or use as a last-resort weapon against the undead! Medal will ship within 30 days after the event has ended on October 17, 2015.

Cost: $25.00

We offer 10% off the registration price for a quantity of 5 or more.

ScareFest Film Festival 8 (2015)

sf8-banner

Hey guys & gals! What’s the haps? :) Hope everyone had a good 4th and there were no fireworks mishaps (looking at you, E…). Wanted to share something for my filmmaker friends out there –

ScareFest Film Festival 8, hosted by Izzy’s Little Creepers (which is an AWESOME name), is happening September 11-13 in Lexington, KY, and they’re still accepting submissions for the festival. It’s a great way to get your work out there (we all know how the festival runs go!) and, obviously, it’s totally suited to you horror & gore creators. :) It looks pretty fun and I’m sad I don’t have any projects that fit into the theme here.

If you’re in the area and just wanna go hang out, the guest line-up includes Sid Haig, Sal Lizard, a bunch of people from this past season of American Horror Story, a bunch of people from Phantasm…there’s several people from older stuff (like The Munsters – is that what that show was called??) and I think that’s pretty cool, anyway. ;)

So check it out, filmmakers, and if you’ve got something to enter – ENTER IT! – so people can watch it and it can win awards and shit! The website has the submission form and all the nitty-gritty but if you wanna screw the deets, I’m including the submission form right here so it’s handy!

Have fun, guys! Let us know if you’re entering something, so we can share the news and rant & rave about the awesomeness of your film and the like. :)

Cheers!

ScareFest

River City Heroes: Ascendance

Title

*FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION*

From writer/directors Jeremy Scoggins and Matthew Hibbs and Executive Producer P.J. Starks (Volumes of Blood) comes the next generation of super heroes.

River City Heroes 3

The Trio: Knightmare, Dreamcatcher, and Anarchy-X, three ordinary people, called upon to be the vigilante heroes of a city wrought with dark secrets. Plagued with their own personal demons, they bring it upon themselves to become the saviors in a thankless city. Under the watchful eye of their mentor Chronos, who harbors a past of darkness himself, the Trio wages a war on the villains of the city. The sadistic drug lord Animus holds grip on the underworld, while Persephone Masters, a crafty and powerful politician, sits on high in the city and hires the cold and calculating assassin, Strife, to eliminate anyone who stands in her way. The villains play River City like their own personal chess game with the veiled and mysterious Cryofire corporate power quietly plotting all the moves. With the Trio holding on to what justice there is left in the city, they are faced with unexpected challenges both within themselves and throughout the streets as they set about hunting down the men and women who have corrupted their city.

River City Heroes 1

In a city where crime seeps from its pores, the victims must become the answer to their own prayers.

River City Heroes 2

Production Company: Hive Mind Studios

Starring: Jeremy Scoggins, Louisa Torres, Derreck Fraser, Markus Porter, Kevin Arnold, Jeremiah Hinson, Jaron Scoggins.

You too can help stop evil by contributing to the cause!

April Rogue is Here!

ROGUE

The latest issue of Rogue Cinema is here and you KNOW you’re dying to read it…so what are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?? Sorry, I don’t have any of those. I can give you a preview of the issue though! Inside this month, you’ll find great articles on awesome films like these (and TONS more)!

Blood

Tiki War

Happy 2015, Y’all!

2015NY

Happy New Year! I hope you all had a fun (and safe) night last night. :) I hung out with my cat and read and watched movies (because I’m old and boring like that). Still, I’m super happy to see 2014 go. It was a really rough year, kind of a non-stop downhill momentum. Lots of doctors, some hospitalizations and due to those things, I lost passion for some things, forgot what it is I love to do. That’s one thing I’m hoping for in 2015, is the ability to find those things again, whether they be old passions or new ones.

I don’t do resolutions – I’m terrible at things like that, lol. What I do is mottos. And I think my motto for 2015 is “It’s YOUR Life”. Kind of sounds silly but when you’ve been through a year of health issues with different doctors telling you what to take, what to do, how to do things, etc., it can feel like you don’t exactly have control over your life. So this motto means I’m taking back control, even as I continue on the path to healthy, and doing the things I want and creating a life worth living.

Whatever your motto or resolutions, I wish you the best of luck. Here’s to a kick ass year! :)

Serafina says "Happy New Year!" as well!

Serafina says “Happy New Year!” as well!

Cool New Movie Site Announcement!

Movli Logo

Hey, guys and gals! How goes it in the movie watching world? I don’t do this too often, but I got the heads up about this new movie site called Movli and decided to check it out and well, it’s pretty cool so I thought I’d share. Basically, it’s kind of like IMDB meets Facebook meets Netflix meets Entertainment Weekly meets OK Cupid meets Flipboard meets FUN (the noun, not the band). Neat, huh?

So, you start by making a free account (of course) but the catch is that you have to make an account by signing in either via Facebook, Twitter or Google. I’m not a huge fan of sharing my movie watching habits with everyone I know on social media (Bible Belters not so big on things like “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” for some reason ;) ) but there IS a reason it’s set up that way. (Technically, you can not sign up at all but then all the actions you perform are only saved locally and you run the risk of losing them.) The reason for the social media sign up is, obvis, so you can see what your friends are watching and vice versa. In Movli’s case, however, this is geared towards making your next group movie night easier and more fun by showing you the most compatible films for your group (not for making fun of that poor girl over at Cinema Schminema who had to sit through “The Sinful Dwarf” on a dare…ahem…Isaacs…).

Next up, you get to the down and dirty business of rating every movie you’ve ever seen (and for people like us, that’s A LOT!). Much like Netflix, this is to gather movie recommendations for you. This happens by setting up your personal genome (I had to look that one up – it has to do with genetics – actually the genetic material of an organism. And the word actually works here. I’m a fan. Also hush, I’m a writer and an actress, not a scientist. ;-p ). Anyway, rating movies here doesn’t just bring you movie recommendations but celebrity recommendations as well (actors, directors, writers). And THAT in turn brings you personalized entertainment news. For example, I rated that I was down with “Star Wars” (THE ORIGINALS!!!) and in my entertainment newsfeed were stories about the upcoming Star Wars movies (and how are we all feeling about those anyway? Thoughts? Bueller?). So to sum up – why is rating so much fun here?:

1) If you haven’t seen a movie but you want to, there’s a progress bar you can slide to show how interested in the flick you are, thereby adding it to your Watchlist.

2) Likewise, if you have NO interest in seeing a movie you can blacklist (and oh, have I been having fun doing that – here’s looking at you “Dumb & Dumber 2″…).

3) You also get to rate celebrities – recommended or just from a general line-up. Well, by “rate” I mean you can “Favorite” the ones you like. And when you do THAT, a little bubble appears in the corner of their photo telling you how many upcoming new films they’ll be in. Clicking on THAT bubble brings up a box with the names of the movies and, if applicable, will tell you how much you’re likely to like the film. Totes cool. TOTES.

Movli ActorsWhat else can you do on Movli? There’s a ton more so I’m going to try to keep the rest of this brief so you can go discover the rest of the fun on your own. BUT:

1) You can find other users to follow and make new friends!

2) You have a wall, similar to a Facebook wall, where all your activity shows up (you can totes delete activity from your wall though, so don’t worry Isaacs – when you rate that you loved that Justin Bieber movie, no one will have to know). You can also leave comments there, as can your followers/friends.

3) There’s a database of like 25,000 free streaming movies. Yes, that means a lot of them are classic films, ones in the public domain. But they also have a fair amount of more recent films as well (from the 80s through now).

4) You not only have a Watchlist of movies TO watch but you also have a Watched list of movies you’ve already seen. Now, that is one majorly handy tool, especially for someone as forgetful as myself!

I dunno, guys, I think it’s pretty kickawesome. I mean, I only JUST started exploring a couple of days ago and already I’ve spent enough time on Movli that the dishes have piled up, I haven’t left the house recently and work was missed… *giggles* My only two issues with the site so far have been the aforementioned having to sign in with a social account and I had issues changing my profile picture (it automatically pulls yours from whichever site you use to sign in with). But in the grand scheme of things, not a bad trade-off.

Movli Screenshot

Now, if they’d just add boards like Pinterest so we can organize our movies in whatever crazy ways we’d like to share them with the world (or keep them to ourselves, as the case may be) and maybe add a blogging feature so that we could post our reviews on there, it might very well just be perfect. Or possibly overwhelming…see, this is why people don’t let me be in charge of things. ;) Regardless, give it a looksie. You might find you like what you see. :) And of course, you can check them out on social media at either Facebook or Twitter!

What’s This? Another Issue of Rogue Cinema? For Realsies??

We Love Rogue! (Because that's where Misty writes, hehe). ;)

We Love Rogue! (Because that’s where Misty writes, hehe). ;)

A saint with a serious problem.

A saint with a serious problem.

An interview with Kyle Hytonen - the genius behind "Massacre at Femur Creek"!

An interview with Kyle Hytonen – the genius behind “Massacre at Femur Creek”!

How does a 70 year old gay man find love?

How does a 70 year old gay man find love?

Interview with filmmaker Pascal Payant

Interview with filmmaker Pascal Payant

You NEED to watch this film. Malibu Action Girl to the rescue!!

You NEED to watch this film. Malibu Action Girl to the rescue!!

Can't lie. My absolute favorite of the bunch. We are ALL kickawesome.

Can’t lie. My absolute favorite of the bunch. We are ALL kickawesome.

Missing The Office? (That...that did end, right?) Then try this web series!

Missing The Office? (That…that did end, right?) Then try this web series!

Happy Thanksgiving, Y’all!

Thankskilling

Today’s the day of turkey and gratefulness and to combine these two things, I’m sharing one of my favorite Thanksgiving movies – Thankskilling!! There’s nothing better than a homicidal turkey and topless Pilgrims on Thanksgiving, so I suggest you give Thankskilling a view after you’ve killed your turkey dinner. Heh. Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!

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