Category Archives: Horror Comedy
Hansel & Gretel
Fuck yeah, Asylum!! Hansel & Gretel
No, for realz, we’re teenagers. Totes.
So above we have Hansel & Gretel, who are like, totally teenagers, y’all. Gretel works at the local bakery called “The Gingerbread House” (ha! get it??) where Lilith serves up the best meat pies around. And we all know what happens when meat pies are involved, right, kiddies? I mean, we all did see Sweeney Todd, yeah? No?…. Anywho. H&G’s mom died at some point and Hansel feels really guilty about that (although I couldn’t ever figure out WHY – like maybe there was a car wreck when she was coming to pick him up or something?) but she’s been gone long enough that Gretel mentions not being able to remember her as well as she should. Well, good old Pops has been seeing this religious chick named Ruby for like a month or something and now they’re getting married. Hansel, being the whiny little asshat he is, starts yelling and crying and runs off into the woods in anger. Okay, I totally made that crying part up but still. Gretel gives chase to try to talk some sense into her idiot twin brother when whoopsie, he steps into a conveniently placed bear trap. Ouch.
Don’t worry, hon. Lilith will fix that nasty little boo boo up right quick.
The only place around ends up being Lilith’s from “The Gingerbread House” and Lilith is totes a sweetie so of course she bandages that wound up and feeds Hansel all the pastries in the world and then some “special” candy that she takes for her glaucoma. *giggles* Next thing you know, Hansel’s fast asleep and Lilith’s all, “Oh just stay here tonight, kiddies.” Then she gives Gretel some “magic” tea that knocks Gretel right the hell out. This is the point where I started to be wary of Lilith’s intentions here, just sayin’.
Lalala, chores instead of leaving the house for the hospital for my brother, tralalala….
The next morning Gretel wakes up to find her brother gone with an explanation of a neighbor having taken him to the hospital. Why doesn’t she leave straightaway? Well, the woods are dangerous, y’all, she might as well wait for that neighbor to come back for her. In the meantime, might as well help Lilith out with a few chores, right? Hansel wakes up to an entirely different scenario – one where he’s locked in a dungeon with three other teens who tell him that they’re being fattened up to be cooked later on. Hansel isn’t the brightest crayola in the box so he kinda just goes, ‘Huh, what? Oh pastries! Oh wait, don’t eat those!” And this is about the time we meet these fellows…
Damn right, Mommie Dearest has kids!
Awww, just look at those adorable twinsies. And after this comes some back story about Lilith losing a daughter and being 800 million years old and then everyone’s running around trying not to get cooked and those big dudes go all Leatherface on people and there’s a cop (and the killer exchange of: Gretel – “You shot the sheriff!!” Lilith – “Oh, I shot the deputy too.” Totes brills) and Pops and Ruby show up and there’s a lot of weird stuff that makes you think Ruby is actually Lilith’s daughter but no, that’s totes trickster and then well, ya know…it’s Hansel & Gretel – we kind of know where this is going.
I WANTED you to be my daughter, you bitch! We’re just alike, you know!
Seriously, this is by far, the best Asylum flick I’ve seen. Dee Wallace is KILLER with her witchy psychotic granny portrayal (and you know, that’s really what makes this movie cause the other actors I could take or leave). There’s one scene where Hansel starts to eat himself because he is so delicious (insert raunchy jokes here) that was super fun and not as fake as the usual Asylum stuff is and another girl getting sliced and diced with this crazy wires also works out really well. Of course we have our moments where Ruby is dead but moving, the cops are at the top of the idiot food chain and it’s ridiculous to think Lilith who has been doing this for years now just woke up and thought to herself, “Welll, gosh darnit, I’m gonna have me those twins even if I have to take the whole town down to do it.” Seriously, WTF, Lilith? *sighs*
If you love The Asylum, you definitely have to check this one out!
The Devil’s Carnival
If you hated Repo! The Genetic Opera
The premise is three people die and they all wind up in Hell. From there we get three of Aesop’s Fables (another reason I loved this – fairy tales and mythology may be my big two things but I’m also a fan of Aesop!): The Scorpion and the Frog, Grief and His Due and The Dog and Its Reflection. Add to that the carnival setting, the quirky and sometimes frightening characters plus the stage and theatre setting and this girl was in love at first glance.
What’s NOT to love about this guy and his plastic hair??
And here’s the whole carnival crew!
There’s a lot of the same actors in this that were also in Repo – Alex Vega, Paul Sorvino, Bill Moseley, Nivek Ogre. I didn’t even notice Vega was here until I saw her name in the credits, then I had to google to find out which character she was. This also only clocks in at 55 minutes so it’s kind of something light and airy to have on while you’re doing other stuff…and by light and airy, I mean kind of morbid and grotesque…eh, we all have our own definitions for stuff. 
No nudity or sex to be found here (well, there’s a naked woman who is whipped during one of the songs but they don’t really show anything other than her back), just good clean devilish fun, so enjoy!
The Puppet Monster Massacre
Major props to Mike over at Badasses, Boobs and Body Counts for doing a review of this gem and turning me on to it. (And if you click that link, it’ll take you to his review!) I am in love. There are a lot of things I love in this world: rainbows, kittens, blowing bubbles, unicorns, NYC, books…I love it all really. But this movie?? This movie was obviously made with me specifically in mind because it had all my favoritest movie things in one giant spectacular extravaganza.
Puppets? Check.
Cute little furry animals? Check.
Mad scientist with a penguin sidekick? Check.
Puppet sex? Check.
Nazis? Check.
Douchebag guy with a fake English accent? Check.
A girl not afraid to tell her boyfriend/non-boyfriend that he’s a pussy? Check.
Blood and guts? Check.
Foul mouthed grandpa? Check.
This adorable little fella? Check.
I really don’t even know where to start with this. Do you need a plot summary with a title like that? I sure as hell didn’t. But if you are interested, Charlie is the pussy that lives with his foul mouthed Gramps and is in love with Gwen. They both get mysterious letters inviting them to come spend the night at some house on a hill where if they survive the night they’ll get a million dollars (sound familiar?). So who exactly invited them there? Oh, just mad scientist out for revenge, Wolfgang Wagner with his penguin sidekick and his new pet monster. Then we’ve got Raimi Campbell (hahahhaaaa!! Love it!), the lispy nerd who is trying to get laid; Iggy, the punk ass fake English douche who apparently can’t fuck for more than a minute and a half and Mona, who likes to show her boobs.
If I post puppet boobs, will I get more hits on my site?
The cinematography was kind of effing fantastic for a puppet movie, the script was deliciously quotable (“Why do you smell like carrots?” …..”I am going to head butt the shit out of you!”) and Raimi was hilarious. Sure it’s nothing that’s never been done before but it throws together so many elements and nods to cinema history and all in puppet form that it totally rocked my socks. There’s stop animation (at least I’m pretty sure that’s what I saw) that reminded me of Svankmajer, obvious nods to horror movies of past (Evil Dead and House on Haunted Hill for two), there’s a cartoon portion, there’s patriotic symbolism and did I mention the puppets having sex? And the penguin?
If I haven’t convinced you by now, I’m sure nothing will but check out the trailer below.
The First Five – Monster Brawl
Okay, gotta be honest – I really watched the first 40 minutes of this not just five. BUT I honestly didn’t realize I was still watching it till my friend, The Brad, called and I was like, “Why can’t I hear what you’re saying?? Oh…this stupid thing is still on??” So that totally counts for a First Five. Right?
Yeah…so…I’d like to start by saying that a movie that involves monsters and wrestling should be AMAZING. FUCKING AMAZING. It’s like having a movie that involves hot girls and jello wrestling – how do you go wrong???? You can’t. You just can’t go wrong with that. And yet…*sighs*. WHAT THE FUCK, Monster Brawl
Speaking of Foley’s…
Speaking of Foley’s though, Dave Foley is in this movie and from what I saw he spends the entire time with a look upon his face that clearly indicates he has no CLUE how he got in this film. None at all. Also his “character” is continuously drinking from a flask…yeah, “character”…*cough cough, wink wink*
The oh so amazing “Cyclops” makeup…
Oh and let’s talk about this guy for a minute, shall we? Someone be a dear and tell me when exactly Cyclops (Cyclopses…Cyclopi…what’s the plural??) developed laser beam eyeballs that can melt the faces off people. Because that happened. TOTES.
Why, yes, that IS her name – “Lady Vampire”. There’s also another woman called “Witch Bitch”. Don’t even get me started on this bullshit.
The most boring monster fights you’ll ever see…
So to sum up – FUCK YOU, Monster Brawl. You go hide somewhere and hang your head in shame.
P.S. Next Classic Movie will be The Usual Suspects!
Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader
Yeah…so…this is one of those times when I really start to rethink my masochistic nature….any psychologists out there wanna weigh in on why I put myself through shit like this? *sighs*
So yeah, this apparently involved Roger Corman (I know, I know…) and for some reason Treat Williams was here (really Treat??) and well…
She calls everybody a “dumb skank”…
Big girl in a tiny gym…
Sadistic sorority girls…
Oh yeah…this…
Oh hi, Treat – how’s it hangin’?
Soon enough, they’ll both be topless…
So…is it bad that I want to punch everyone involved in this travesty in the face? Normally I enjoy this sort of thing…but no…just no…
*I’m slowly working my way through blog reading – I’m filming the next couple of weeks which is keeping me busy. Also if I owe you a review and haven’t delivered yet, please send me an email and yell at me. I’m slowly making my way through those too.*
Alice in Murderland
By now, I think my love of Alice in Wonderland is pretty well documented so of course I couldn’t pass up this little gem of a film. Alice In Murderland
It’s Alice’s 21st birthday and in celebration her sorority sisters plan a girls only party (along with someone’s gay uncle) with an Alice in Wonderland theme at the house where Alice’s mother was murdered 20 years ago. How sweet! Seriously, why aren’t my friends as thoughtful as these gals? As the night goes on, people start getting murdered left and right and there’s a whole bunch of magic shrooms being inhaled.
I find this girl to be uber hot.
So yeah, all the elements are there for a swell time. We’ve got hot girls (okay some are hot, some are just eh), we’ve got sorority sisters. We open strong with an axe murder. We’ve got boys trying to sneak into the party and girls dating girls’ exes. Plus we’ve got a serial killer that likes to dress up as the Jabberwocky (which is oddly reminiscent of the turkey in Thankskilling…). How does it all manage to go wrong?
While the film starts off strong with solid acting and a cheesy but not too overly cheesy murder, it quickly starts to fall apart with the lack of plot (I know, I know, this isn’t a movie one watches for plot but it was that bad). The story gets convoluted and characters keep jumping around in their characterizations (oh you’re the dumb girl? Then how did you suddenly get so smart?) Plus there’s the twist ending that doesn’t lend much to the story and doesn’t go where one expects it to go so that it falls flat. And the actual final moments of the film are just lame.
Watch this one for the hot girl on girl cat fights and nothing else.
The Monster Squad – Nostalgiathon 2012
Yay Nostalgiathon! In case you’re looking for even more nostalgia, head on over to the Nostalgiathon 2012 page to all the latest entries – there’s some super fun stuff there!
On an unrelated note, I’m in a show that opens this weekend which of course means a full week of tech and dress rehearsals so I will be around all spotty like. And let’s not even talk about January just yet. It’s gearing up to be a wild ride…
The back story:
Once upon a time, there was a wee lass named Misty who was all of seven years old. Misty’s parents thought it would be absolutely delightful to show her a little film called The Monster Squad. Why would they do this? Who knows? Unfortunately for Misty’s parents, this experiment did NOT end well. As a matter of fact, the wee lass sat up ALL NIGHT LONG refusing to sleep because she KNEW that at any moment Dracula would walk through her bedroom door and do something horrendous. And as we all know, if a wee one doesn’t sleep, the adults don’t sleep. This was the occasion that led to the horror movie ban in Misty’s life, the ban that would not be lifted until her sixteenth birthday.
Don’t mess with these muthas!
The Now:
I revisited The Monster Squad (Two-Disc 20th Anniversary Edition)
First, I’d like to say…Mom & Dad, what the hell were you thinking showing me this??? Dracula picks up a 5 year old girl by the chin and calls her a bitch – how was I not supposed to think he had a deeply intense hatred of tiny children of the female variety and would hunt me down? Sheesh! (Btw, I do so totally love my parents, I just don’t know what they were thinking here. *giggles*)
Second, this movie is absolutely a classic. Awesome kids, great one-liners and an all around good time – way perfect for adolescent boys especially, methinks. And ah, the 80s when kids could curse like sailors and check out scantily clad women in the movies all while smoking ciggies or being smoked around. Such a simpler time…*sighs*
My name is HORACE!!
This is one I just sort of assume everyone has seen but if not – well…classic movie monsters come back and kids fight them. See, my hazy memories were correct. It’s kinda like The Goonies (which I love) but with some real drama. The old German guy for one? Had no memory of that and when I saw him talking about monsters, it kind of broke my heart a little. I was NOT expecting something like that to be in a “kids’” movie.
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:
If I had watched this when I was oh, say 12, I would’ve been head over heels in love with Rudy. He was such a bad ass. 12 year old Misty would’ve *swooned* over that kid.
Eugene: Is she a versgin?
Scary German Guy: Yes, she can do it!
Patrick: She can’t read, she’s five years old!
Scary German Guy: I’ll help her!
EVERYTHING about the above exchange cracked me up. Just EVERYTHING.
That freaking adorable dog. So cute.
Frankenstein for the WIN!
Not gonna lie, through jaded adult eyes some of the middle got a bit boring but overall one fun ride and definitely worth the revisit!
Thankskilling
It’s a day late but yesterday was a busy day so I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
I present to you the cinematic masterpiece and the perfect Thanksgiving movie: Thankskilling! Now this was the perfect movie for the day after Thanksgiving – epically stupid and epically funny and epically ridiculous. Here in all its glory is the play by play recap!
- This movie starts with a nipple shot – how on earth can it be bad?
- Wait, did Pilgrim women not wear shirts? Nobody ever told me they were nudists, dammit.
- That turkey just said “Nice tits, bitch.” I love this movie so much.
- I am so naming my kids General Bastard and Wanda Lust.
- Since when do kids get so excited about Thanksgiving they start ripping their clothes off?
- He just referred to his bicep as a Weapon of Mass Destruction…
- I’m fairly certain this is set in Alabama just from the characters.
- Lassie dog!!!
- Oh yeah. This is SO set in Alabama. Just waiting for the rebel flag to pop up at this point…
- “What’s poon??” *sighs*
- Cheesiest flashback in the history of cinema, wow.
- “I’m going to go skinny dipping without any clothes on.” ~Nerdy guy is nerdy and pervy.
- “Allie, you’re kind of a ho. Not gonna lie, you’re kinda skanky.”
- Oh great, Lassie’s pissing on an Indian totem. No way is this going to end well.
- Evil turkey!!
- Uh-oh, RIP Lassie.
- Oh no! The car is breaking down! Now all the teenagers will be in terrible danger.
- Dude, there’s ancient Pilgrim history happening now! In cartoon form! Some Pilgrim pissed off an Indian and now there’s a curse – it’s the killer turkey!! Homicidal turkey fun!
- Turkeyologists?? I suspect that is not a real thing…
- This killer turkey thinks he’s Freddy Krueger with the quips.
- I feel compelled to go out to the backyard, drop to my knees and scream “Damn you turkey, damn you!!!” just like that hillbilly did. It’s the day after Thanksgiving, I think it would be entirely appropriate.
- Did you know turkeys see things in purple and white?
- Nerd boy is totes a future serial killer.
- The turkey scare tactics involve throwing baby bunnies into the fire pit.
- Aw, poor Billy. He’s been reduced to feeling up his own boobs. And now he’s waking up to a hillbilly with a shotgun and turkey droppings on his chest. This is SO not Billy’s day.
- Wait – nobody died camping and they got the car to work the next day. What the hell kind of movie is this??
- WTF?? WTF?? Why did some dude just see killer turkey on the side of the road, pull over to pick him up and then try to screw him? What world do these people live in where they pick up hitchhiking turkeys??
- Whoever wrote this seems to have an obsession with Jon Benet Ramsey.
- Oh Johnny, it can’t be good when you ask your dad a question and he farts in reply. He really does hate you for being pushed back to second string quarterback.
- ……………….okay, sorry, I had to pick myself up from where I just fell onto the floor laughing………..
- Ah, sex fully clothed, of course.
- Oh c’mon. I do NOT need to see turkey/human sex. What the hell Thankskilling? Why the hell do I always end up watching movies with shit like this in them? Why the hell are there SO many of them?
- Gravy flavored condom *shudders*
- Hide yo wife, hide yo kids, y’all.
- Scooby gang moment – they’re headed to check out some books to find out how to beat the baddie!
- Why is everyone acting like a talking turkey is perfectly normal? Why is this man dressed as a turkey? Why is the turkey having coffee with this guy and discussing the weather?
- These people are clearly living in an alternate universe where everyone is an IDIOT.
- Turkey’s gone all Leatherface.
- Oh hells yeah, book reading montage with hip hop music. EPIC.
- To kill the turkey they must FIRST solve a mathematical code. Math bores Billy.
- “I know we took the Indians’ land but we gave them casinos, doesn’t that make up for it?” *facepalm*
- No, Johnny, things definitely will never be the same again, not even if you defeat the killer turkey.
- To defeat the turkey you must burn it at the stake and chant a demonic prayer backwards, in unison. THAT is what the mathematical code said.
- How did the turkey get the ability to turn itself into a cartoon turkey dinner to entice Billy? Native American’s did NOT have cartoons, y’all. No way did the necromancer throw that shiz into the curse.
- I HATE Nerd Boy. I LOVE Killer Turkey.
- Oh there’s a killer turkey/Billy love song!!!
- After a long day of killing, there’s nothing killer turkeys like more than a nice salad.
- Yay Hillbilly! Way to shoot that turkey!
- Hey, just because like 10 people died tonight is NO reason we should call the police or anything. Instead let’s go watch a movie, eat popcorn and hang out with Kristen’s dead dad.
- Oh dayum, Hillbilly shot Killer Turkey into a dumpster that was full of RADIOACTIVE WASTE!!! Radioactive Killer Turkey is pecking Nerd Boy to death. Oh and he’s glowing green.
- That’s right Nerd Boy, follow your bestie Billy into that white light. No turkeys in heaven.
- Turkeys like killing people with easily found kitchen objects. The more you know…
- That’s so convenient that there was a pile of sticks RIGHT THERE for the flaming turkey to fly into!
- And now, the Last Girl Standing enjoys a fine turkey meal.
- Who has one turkey, one bowl of stuffing and one pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving? We had enough food to feed an army yesterday.
- Oh noes! Turkey dinner has jumped off the plate yelling, “Do I smell a sequel??”
And there you have it! So sit back and enjoy an extra helping of turkey!
Never Sleep Again
Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy
That said, I love this documentary, it’s one of my favorite ones ever (and I watch A LOT of documentaries). And that said, unless you really dig Nightmare on Elm Street or are just highly interested in the movie making process of one of the greatest horror franchises of all times, you probably won’t enjoy this. What Never Sleep Again does is start with the original Nightmare and continues on with behind the scenes and cast and crew interviews all the way up through the rest of the series. It’s also the story of how New Line rose to fame.
The nicest man on the planet, Robert Englund.
It’s fascinating and it covers everything from how they did that totally sweet kill scene of Tina in the original Nightmare (they built a rotating room, just fyi, which I find so f’ing cool – I love old school effects!) to the homosexual undertones in Nightmare 2. The film also presents photographs, storyboards, conceptual art, publicity materials, archival documents, and behind-the-scenes footage that have never been previously shared. Never Sleep Again expands on Wes Craven’s motivations in creating the first Elm Street film. It also explores behind-the-scenes of the original film and all of its sequels. Through interviews, the film shares how cast and crew brought their own worst nightmares to life on screen and examines the impact the series and its mythos have had on pop culture and the horror genre in general. The documentary also explores the rise and fall of Robert Shaye’s New Line Cinema and its reputation as “The House That Freddy Built”.(wikipedia.org).
And really that’s all I can say. This film is a plethora of information and if it’s an insider’s look you want to have this film is the film for you.
Freddy vs. Jason
And the final entry in the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise (nope, the remake is NOT gonna be talked about here!) is Freddy vs Jason
IT’S MOTHEREFFING FREDDY VS JASON!!!! That’s what I have to say about it. Seriously, if you go into this movie looking for plot or underlying themes or anything at all other than the fact that FREDDY and JASON are kicking the shit out of each other then um, I think you are totally missing the point of this flick. Plus it has Ginger from Ginger Snaps. ‘Nuff said.
