Category Archives: Horror Comedy

Support Indie Horror!

poster

Party Slashers, written and directed by Carl Bachmann, is currently in the midst of a Kickstarter campaign to get this movie funded so I thought I’d share with all of you awesome people so we can continue to support indie film. The film is about a group of high schoolers who team up to survive a Halloween party crashed by undead mass murderers whom were accidentally summoned during a Dungeons & Dragons game. D&D, huh? I never realized what a dangerous game that was. ;)

They have a test scene up on Kickstarter and are rewarding backers custom Grindhouse posters featuring them in it, opportunities to get decapitated in the film, and other cool stuff. (Grindhouse posters? Kickawesome!!) Check out the trailer below and donate a bit if you’re able!

I am The Ripper

i am the ripper

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, so let’s see how it goes.  Entering Misty’s stream of consciousness in 3, 2, 1….

    • Freakannibal Pictures – so far I like this.
    • Um….what?  Please tell me the entire movie isn’t filmed on a home camera.
    • “Take a look at yourself.  You’re black, you’re equipped” dude grabs other dude’s crotch…
    • Orgasmatron.  My new favorite word.
    • Did I mention this is a foreign film?
    • Apparently this was made before Alien vs. Predator cause two dudes are having an argument about who would win.
    • Wait, Harry Potter is in this??
    • Is Predator really art?
    • Seriously how old is this movie??
    • This party sucks.
    • That guy just said “I have ants in my pants” while wondering where all the women are.  Wait, I watched that movie already.  It was called “Antfarm Dickhole”…
    • Great, now Netflix is having trouble loading this cinematic masterpiece. *sighs*
    • This is taking forever.  So…so far we’ve got a group of kids that are at a party being filmed with a really really lousy camera; a hot chick that’s really into comics and nerdy guys; a guy I’m pretty sure is my ex-boyfriend; Harry Potter; and a bunch of dudes making asses of themselves trying to get laid.  I am VERY excited for the killer to come along!
    • Still waiting on Netflix to load…so…um…it’s been snowy a lot…yeah…I got new tires on my car!  But now I apparently need like $900 worth of more work done.  So that sucks.
    • Oh wait, movie is back!
    • “A blond with culture?  Now I’ve seen everything!”  This movie is so charming…
    • I think Yann is about to die!!
    • Apparently this guy doesn’t get out much because he just got way too excited about a t.v. and peanuts.
    • Oh thank goodness someone is dying.  Maybe the rest of them will now too.  They really are a disgusting bunch of kids, no lie.  Some guy just came while this girl was making out with him and everyone’s mocking him now, lol.  He needs new trousers.
    • Now Cecile (because apparently that’s her name) is all over Harry Potter who’s fondling a stuffed animal boa constrictor.
    • More death??
    • Dude, the Ripper just ninja’d that girl’s head!
    • Blood’s dripping from the ceiling and this witty guy asks the girl sitting next to him if she’s having her period.
    • Yay! The Ripper just showed up to the party with the girl’s head and started killing!!  And some guy is being a bad ass and karate chopping him.  w00t!
    • OW.  Dude did the splits only to get his leg broken.  And then he died. Is “poof” an insult?  I think these kids are French.
    • Oooohhh, the kids are stuck in a loop!  They can only  just go back to the living room they were partying in.  Yet, they’re still trying to run…five minutes later…*sighs*  These guys are not too bright.  And every time they enter the living room, this one kid falls onto his knees, screaming “No!!!!!!!”.  *giggles*
    • Now, the guy who came while he was making out is beating to death Cecile while some other guy laughs hysterically in the background.  Oh wait, she’s okay.  Cum Guy is a douchebag and a half.
    • Oh no!  I think Comic Book Hottie is about to die!
    • Now Comic Book Hottie is going around trying to kill people.  I’m going to assume that the Ripper is a spirit and not a person.  How much longer is this movie? Oh lord, an hour and eleven minutes.  We’ve only covered 21 minutes.
    • Wait, now the Ripper is with the other group (cause they split up) and now everyone has guns.  And he just punched a guy’s head in.  I’m so confused.
    • Comic Book Hottie just ripped my ex-boyfriend looking dude’s heart out.  And knifed/sworded ….
    • Wait, where did the machine guns come from?  I think everybody is almost dead so how on earth is this another hour and some odd minutes?
    • What is up with all the guys in this movie punching girls??  What a bunch of a-holes
    • Awww, good for that one girl, she just stabbed one of the dudes that punched her with a pair of scissors.
    • Okay…so the Ripper is just a skeleton.  And he told these two kids to look behind them and now there’s really bad CGI and they’re terrified!
    • They’re also getting ripped apart by heavy metal concert rejects that I’m taking to be some sort of demons or something, I should probably add that.
    • Looks like we’re down to one guy and he’s fighting the Ripper, both with guns again, and I think we still have an hour left of this thing.  And um, the bullets are cartoon bullets.
    • Aw, dude’s gun is out of bullets and the Ripper is bored.  But dude went to look for another weapon so it’s all cool and shiz.  Well, except the Ripper got tired of waiting and is kicking his ass.
    • And…the Ripper just showed him the bad CGI and now dude is crying!
    • Oh, snap.  The Ripper just challenged him to a duel!  A wrestling match.  He said “I’ll be the Undertaker and you can be Hulk Hogan”.  Ha!
    • Okay, Dude has to take a rest and then train for 24 hours.  Then they have the wrestling match.  Oh, and they’re meeting in a public place tomorrow for this match apparently.
    • I bet we get a training montage now!!
    • Netflix just stopped again.  This movie hates me!
    • So…yeah…how’s everybody doing?  Handling the cold okay and all?  I, for one, cannot WAIT for spring!
    • So the Ripper is actually the Grim Reaper.  So I guess instead of playing chess, they’re doing it old school wrestling style.
    • Instead of training, Dude is seeing what’s on t.v.  NOT watching wrestling but watching some toys fighting. He’s super smart. y’all.
    • Oh, HERE’s the nudity we were lacking the rest of the movie.  Watching porn will definitely help him battle the Grim Reaper.
    • Aw, Grimmie killed the porn lady while he says “You’ve got nothing better to do than watch rubbish, you have 21 hours left.”
    • Now Dude has decided he’s going to commit suicide in the middle of the street.  And then two of his dead friends come back with guns and start shooting random bystanders.  I’m still confused…
    • This was made in 2004.  Is all this gun violence supposed to be some sort of political statement?
    • Okay, dude succeeded in killing himself so I guess there’s no wrestling match??  Dammit, I was looking forward to that!
    • He’s talking to all his dead friends now and his friends are saying that Grimmie gave them two options – either go to hell or work for him.  So they decided to work for Grimmie or “the Big Boss” as they call him.  And now that Dude is dead, Grimmie says no wrestling match but Dude has to kill someone he loved while he was alive.
    • Oh, wait, Comic Book Hottie is apparently still alive so Dude has to kill her!  Otherwise all his friend’s contracts will be up and everybody goes to hell.
    • THERE’S STILL 46 MINUTES LEFT IN THIS MOVIE.  I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN TAKE IT.
    • A third friend has shown up saying he’s actually an angel and infiltrated their group.  But now he thinks there are better benefits working for Death.
    • Comic Book Hottie is really confused and pissed off upon seeing Dude.  Thinking Dude is going to up and kill her like he’s supposed to.  Wait, no, he’s walking away.
    • Sorry guys, the movie has gotten way less fun and way more boring now.
    • They all just got randomly shot by someone in an elevator…
    • Dude went back to see Comic Book Hottie but he’s now saving her from his dead friends.  And there’s a lot of guns again.
    • Random goth girl.
    • Lots of fighting.
  • Oh, goth girl is an Angel of Death.  She told dead friend #1 to bring her Dude because he failed in killing Comic Book Hottie and his soul now belongs to goth girl.
  • Comic Book Hottie wouldn’t stop shouting that Dude was a coward and had no balls so he finally shot her.
  • Another shoot out between two dead guys.
  • Now the angels are fighting…
  • Goth girl/Angel of Death told Dude that his soul belongs to her and she’ll come back and take it whenever she wants.  I really wish she’d come do that now.  But instead he goes to some Halloween party at some bar.
  • And there’s still 22 minutes left.  I think I’m going to skip watching the band “sing” and go make a sandwich.
  • Oh joy.  The goth girl/Angel of Death is back and now there’s another shoot out in the bar.  This movie isn’t predictable at all.  Nope.  I wonder what will happen next?  Oh.  Another fight.  Of course.  *sighs*
  • Goth girl/Angel of Death just lost her head.  Man, that sucks.
  • Yay!  Grimmie showed back up!  They’re finally going to have their duel!
  • They’re dueling with daggers or some shiz.  Worst duel EVER.
  • Uh-oh.  Grimmie is in trouble for killing people whenever he wants! Now he’s dueling a whole committee of men in masks with his apparently brand new super powers.  He thinks he’s a Jedi, ha!
  • Now Grimmie is being punished and wants Dude to become Death.  And Dude is all, “What a load of rubbish.”
  • And then Dude’s face exploded all over the place and he became Death.

THE FREAKING END.

So to sum up, I’m sure there was some sort of meta or existentialist message here somewhere but I totally missed it, although I do have to admit that for being incredibly lo-budget, the cinematography wasn’t that bad (especially considering it was 2004) but still watch this one at your own risk.

Vampz! Episode 2

vampz

What do you get when you’ve got a wannabe vampire and an actual vampire living together?  Well, in episode 2 of Vampz! you get a dead, coked up vampire hunter.  Whoopsies!  Not to mention a very drunk little brother who stumbles upon the scene.

I am totes digging on this web series – it’s fun, it’s quirky and it’s got so many things I love (like vampires!).  Plus the special effects are pretty groovy for a (I’m assuming) lo-budget production.  There’s not a ton of special effects, no over the top CGI or anything but the few they use feel very organic and really enhance the plot.  Major kudos for that, guys.

I also really, really love the character of Ashlee (not to mention the actress that plays her).  She’s adorable (like me! ;)).  All the characters are fun but she’s definitely my fave.

I’m not sure how many more episodes are in this season (I know 3 is out and 4 is about to hit the net) but I’m excited and I really hope there’s a second season as well.  Hmmm…I wonder if there will be new characters?  Or bit parts?  Ahem…. ;)

Check out Episode 2 in all it’s glory, y’all and let me know if you’re digging it as much as I am!

 

Vampz! Webseries Episode 1

This was originally posted on Rogue Cinema back in February but now that the rest of the series has been going up, I’m reviewing the whole thing here, episode by episode.  To read the original, go here!

vampz

VAMPZ!, written by Omar Attia and Lenny Buccellato, is about the supernatural hijinks & misadventures of Simone, a “wannabe vampire” and her ditzy cheerleader roomie, Ashlee. Described on their Facebook page as “a horror comedy webisode series that could be described as Fright Night meets Three’s Company (without even a whiff of Twilight)”, I’d say it’s exactly that (although Twilight is mentioned though only in mocking ;)).

Currently, there’s only the first episode of this web series up on YouTube and it starts out strong with Simone interviewing several people as potential roommates. As the view switches from potential roommate to potential roommate, their hilarious stories of roommates past and their interests (really? Tentacle porn??) overlap to create a hysterical montage that really drives home the fact that finding someone to live with is scary business. To add to that scariness, when the three potentials say to Simone, “Gee, you kind of look like a vampire…” she responds with, “I AM a vampire! Duh!”. Oh Simone, with your black hair and gothy ways…we’ll see how far that gets you in life…

After another day of hapless searching, Simone’s annoying fraternal twin brother comes over to cheer her up. Or something. Then arrives, Ashlee, who can best be described as one of those annoyingly cheerful, ditzy cheerleader girls that you always kind of wanted to kick in high school. Simone is full of “No effing way!” till her brother points out that she’s already said no to 30 something other people and can’t pay the rent herself. With a sigh of disgust, Simone agrees to let Ashlee move in.

So what happens next? Oh, but that’s much too fun to give away, dear reader, so you’ll simply have to watch for yourself. This is exactly the kind of web series I love – silly, irreverent and with a touch of darkness. The script is fun and I love the way this is shot – not sure what kind of camera they used but there’s a blur around the edges that makes it all a little dreamy (oh and speaking of dreams, wait till you see the dream sequence in this one. Ha!). All the actors do a fine job with their parts with the stand out being Louis Bacigalup as Simone’s annoying brother (seriously I kinda wanna give the guy a good kick to the shins).

So head on over to Youtube and check them out!

Quickies

Since I haven’t been so much in a blogging about movies mood but have managed to watch a few flicks, I’d thought I’d do some quickie reviews.  Maybe it’ll help get my head back in the game. :)

JediJunkies

This is a fun little documentary if you’re into Star Wars.  Did you know there’s a place in NYC where they teach you to fight with light sabers???  How cool is that??  This also features a belly dancing Leia and well, that’s just hot.  Like TOTES.

WhatMaisieKnew

Loved this one, though it broke my heart a little.  Based off a book from the 1800s, I believe, this one tells the story of a Maisie, a little girl caught between absent, bitter parents and their respective much younger lovers.  Featuring the total hottie that is Alexander Skarsgard and a very awesome Julianne Moore, this is a fabulous little drama that teaches you what NOT to do if you get divorced with kids.  Seriously people. *eye roll*

grabbersHehehe.  Drunk people and aliens – why did no one ever think of this before??  Or did they and I just missed that movie?  Anyway, this one reminds me a lot of Slither and I loved that movie so very much.  Great cast (especially when everybody starts getting drunk) and super fun, definitely add this one to your list.

And other than that, I’ve mostly been catching up on the last season of The Walking Dead and Chuck (my dad used to LOVE that show so much, he would call me every week to remind me it was on but I never made it past the first season – it’s actually amusing just a little short on plot as they pretty much keep doing the same plotlines over and over again).

Till next time!

Serial Killing 101 (or Serial Killing 4 Dummys)

SerialKilling101

So…was I the only person who wasn’t aware that Lisa Loeb had an acting career?  Because yeah…that was the best thing Serial Killing 101 had going for it.  Not even Thomas Haden Church could save this atrocity (although he had the one funny line in the whole thing).  Okay, Corey Feldman’s cameo was kickawesome too.  Just overall…it always makes me sad when a movie has a decent cast, has a decent idea and just can’t follow through.

Casey (Justin Urich) is a teen who is having some issues lately – he’s moody and cranky and well, ya know, a teenager.  Plus his dad died a year ago, so there’s that.  And there’s of course a girl, Sasha (Lisa Loeb), whom he desperately wants to impress. And a gym teacher (Thomas Haden Church) who seems to have a personal vendetta against him.   What’s the solution to all these issues?  Becoming a serial killer – DUH!  Although that works mostly to impress Sasha because she’s like TOTALLY GOTH and shiz.  TOTES.

"I can be your first victim?  That's hot."

“I can be your first victim? That’s hot.”

And one more thing – while Casey is studying up on how to be a serial killer (because basically this film is just that, a tutorial), there’s a real serial killer running around serial killing teenage girls.  We only see one murder but it’s a doozy.  Our serial killer kills the Annoying Ditzy Popular Blond by…wait for it…stuffing a doll in her mouth!  OMG. The insanity.

Basically this flick is suffering from a severe lack of plot.  All we see are Casey and Sasha reading books on serial killing and going to the library (apparently this was before internet?); Casey’s lame attempts to kill (he can’t even dissect a frog in biology, y’all!) and his murderous daydreams which are just downright stupid.  I read on Wiki that someone said this movie is better than it has any right to be – um…I’m guessing someone has never seen another movie before?  This is much worse than it has a right to be.  The story is inane and there’s no mystery as to who the real serial killer is.  There’s also not much in the way of funny happening.  The only thing I liked were the PE coach’s insistence on always referring to PE as “gymnasium class” (with a Southern accent) and Corey Feldman’s “blink and you’ll miss it” cameo.

Don’t waste your time on this one.  There’s way better dark comedies out there.

Bad Milo

BadMilo

I was sent this screener recently and wasn’t sure I was going to find anything to like about it.  It just didn’t seem to be my type of humor.  Oddly enough, however, I ended up really digging this story about a guy who shits out a demon on the reg.  Quite strange really.  Maybe I was just having an off day. ;)

Duncan’s (Ken Marino) life is a real pain in the ass. Tormented by a manipulative, crooked boss (Patrick Warburton), a nagging mother (Mary Kay Place), a deadbeat new age dad (Stephen Root), and a sweet, yet pressuring, wife (Gillian Jacobs), his mounting stress starts to trigger an insufferable gastrointestinal reaction.

Out of ideas and at the end of his rope, Duncan seeks the help of a hypnotherapist (Peter Stormare), who helps him discover the root of his unusual stomach pain: a pintsized demon living in his intestine that, triggered by excessive anxiety, forces its way out and slaughters the people who have angered him. Out of fear that his intestinal gremlin may target its wrath on the wrong person, Duncan attempts to befriend it, naming it Milo and indulging it to keep its seemingly insatiable appetite at bay.

Adorable.

Adorable.

You wouldn’t expect to find a lot of sweet in a movie like Bad Milo but it actually was rather touching.  Touching in the way Dead Alive is touching sure (oh c’mon, it totally is!!) but touching nonetheless.  The relationship between Duncan and Milo, while being a relationship of manipulation is also a cute friendship/father and son relationship, a relationship which actually ends up bringing Duncan closer to his own estranged father.  There’s hope here, folks.

And I do love when people’s feelings and emotions become physical manifestations because who HASN’T felt like they were so stressed out that their stress was just going to become this thing, this entity and go around wreaking havoc?  We have so all totally been there.  TOTES.  So Bad Milo wins points for that.

It even wins points for the gross out factor.  Gross out is something where I can go either direction, just depends on how it’s presented.  Jackass?  Hate it.  This movie, totes down with it.  Probably helps that the majority of the gross out factor is either alluded to or is of a bloody nature rather than a shitty one.  It really is the finite details that can make all the difference, peeps.

Bad Milo definitely isn’t for everyone.  Hell, I can think of about 10 people right off the bat that it isn’t for.  But if you take a chance and look past the fact that this is a movie about a dude who has a demon that comes out of his ass, you might just be pleasantly surprised, as I was.

And if you wanna find out more about Bad Milo or find out how you can watch, check out Magnolia Pictures site!

The First Five: Da Hip Hop Witch

HipHopWitch

What the FUCK did I just try to watch??  What the FUCK??  Eminem what the hell were you thinking appearing in this?  What was anyone thinking??  My respect for Eminem took a nose dive after attempting this atrocity (and yes, I do like Eminem’s music, big fan actually).

This is what Wikipedia has to say about it:

“After learning about the “Hip Hop Witch”, a powerful supernatural being that lurks in the ghettos and attacks upcoming rappers which makes their record sales go up, five suburban teenagers go on a quest to get their rap careers started by being attacked by said witch. Filming their experience, they run into past hip hop stars that have already battled the Witch in person.”

I didn’t get that far of course.  After Eminem appeared, I gave up and  quickly,  The cinematography was shite and I couldn’t tell what was going on and it was just so bad I wanted to cry.  Poor rap stars.  You all need hugs after this.

So yeah, Da Hip Hop Witch should be avoided at all costs.  Go find your favorite rapper in another movie, yo.  Trust me.

The Disco Exorcist

DiscoExorcistKay, do y’all remember that special channel on my Roku called Midnight Pulp where I found Antfarm Dickhole?  For the newbies:  1) Yes, that’s an actual movie 2)Yes, I watched it 3) NO, I did not finish it 4) but a couple of other brave souls did and you should really check out all the reviews.  My goodness gracious me…anyway I found The Disco Exorcist on the same channel and well…just look at it guys, look at it!!  How on earth could I pass this up?  Of course, I couldn’t.  So here’s the lowdown:

Rex Romanski is a 1970s disco swinger who loves and leaves the wrong woman – the wicked black magic priestess Rita Maria. And now it’s up to Rex to undo the scorned Rita’s rampage of revenge, murder and destruction before she claims more lives, and possesses the soul of the woman he loves. A sexy, irreverent horror comedy – Get Down… and Get Dead!

DiscoExorcist3

This is Rex. And yes, I would’ve totally been one of those 800 million girls to sleep with him. It’s the long hair, dammit, it’s my kryptonite!

Anyway, Rexie is like the ladies man – I mean, the film starts with him doing two chicks (wearing blue and pink wigs which I HIGHLY approved of) and videotaping it all while snorting coke off one of the girls’ asses.  Obviously this man is THE man.  After all that having of THE SEX, Rexie is off to the disco club to dance the night away.  He meets the most awesome, amazing, totes diesel babe (is that 70s lingo or am I in the 80s now?) and they dance all night, then go back to his place for some more of THE SEX.

This bitch be cray-cray.

This bitch be cray-cray.

The next morning he’s off for brunch with his friend (which means he’s going to a theatre to watch porn with his friend) and so he and amazeballs chick decide to meet up that night for more disco lovin’.  And they do and all is well until the most awesome, amazing, totes diesel babe walks into the club and Rexie is in love (wait…I’m seeing some very strong similarities to Romeo & Juliet here…) Anywho, Babe #1 is pissed and seeing as how she’s a witch or a voodoo priest (are those different??), she pulls out a chunk of Babe #2’s hair and curses her.  Then she goes all psycho, screaming and crying and leaves the club.  It’s like my every Friday night in college.

Then…um….oh yeah, for some reason everybody becomes porn stars – not sure why but whatevs, do your thing.  So there’s lots of sex on roller skates and then Babe #2 gets all black-eyed psycho with two other porn stars and wakes up like this:

Luckily, my Friday's in college DID NOT end up like this.

Luckily, my Friday’s in college DID NOT end up like this.

And then there’s a whole bunch of her being possessed, then not being possessed and there’s sex and more sex and then there’s the killing and then it turns out Rexie’s brother isn’t actually a priest but the guy that runs the club IS and he’s performed an exorcism before!  Holy Mary Mother of God, y’all!  And then there’s a whole bunch of exorcist stuff (well, okay seriously for having the word “exorcist” in the title, this has very little exorcisms) and there’s a relatively happy ending.  Hehehehe…happy ending…

So basically, I saw more penises and sex before 11 AM then you guys did and got to see some blood and zombie possessed porn stars just for extra measure.  Go me.

Hansel & Gretel

H&G

Fuck yeah, Asylum!!  Hansel & Gretel is, I’m fairly certain, the best freaking movie you guys have ever put out and honestly, I’m so proud, it brought a tear to my eye, no lie.  I mean, sure you guys totally ripped off the Hansel & Gretel phase that was going on just last year (but hey, it’s a fairy tale so any movie version is ripping it off, right?) but this was…this was almost entirely coherent and had a couple of gross out moments that weren’t so fake that I was compelled to laugh.  Plus Dee Wallace was AMAZEBALLS in this.  I would NOT want to meet that woman in the middle of the woods, no way, no how.

No, for realz, we're teenagers.  Totes.

No, for realz, we’re teenagers. Totes.

So above we have Hansel & Gretel, who are like, totally teenagers, y’all.  Gretel works at the local bakery called “The Gingerbread House” (ha! get it??) where Lilith serves up the best meat pies around.  And we all know what happens when meat pies are involved, right, kiddies?  I mean, we all did see Sweeney Todd, yeah?  No?…. Anywho.  H&G’s mom died at some point and Hansel feels really guilty about that (although I couldn’t ever figure out WHY – like maybe there was a car wreck when she was coming to pick him up or something?) but she’s been gone long enough that Gretel mentions not being able to remember her as well as she should.  Well, good old Pops has been seeing this religious chick named Ruby for like a month or something and now they’re getting married.  Hansel, being the whiny little asshat he is, starts yelling and crying and runs off into the woods in anger.  Okay, I totally made that crying part up but still.  Gretel gives chase to try to talk some sense into her idiot twin brother when whoopsie, he steps into a conveniently placed bear trap.  Ouch.

Don't worry, hon. Lilith will fix that nasty little boo boo up right quick.

Don’t worry, hon. Lilith will fix that nasty little boo boo up right quick.

The only place around ends up being Lilith’s from “The Gingerbread House” and Lilith is totes a sweetie so of course she bandages that wound up and feeds Hansel all the pastries in the world and then some “special” candy that she takes for her glaucoma.  *giggles*  Next thing you know, Hansel’s fast asleep and Lilith’s all, “Oh just stay here tonight, kiddies.”  Then she gives Gretel some “magic” tea that knocks Gretel right the hell out.  This is the point where I started to be wary of Lilith’s intentions here, just sayin’.

Lalala, chores instead of leaving the house for the hospital for my brother, tralalala....

Lalala, chores instead of leaving the house for the hospital for my brother, tralalala….

The next morning Gretel wakes up to find her brother gone with an explanation of a neighbor having taken him to the hospital.  Why doesn’t she leave straightaway?  Well, the woods are dangerous, y’all, she might as well wait for that neighbor to come back for her.  In the meantime, might as well help Lilith out with a few chores, right?  Hansel wakes up to an entirely different scenario – one where he’s locked in a dungeon with three other teens who tell him that they’re being fattened up to be cooked later on.  Hansel isn’t the brightest crayola in the box so he kinda just goes, ‘Huh, what?  Oh pastries! Oh wait, don’t eat those!”  And this is about the time we meet these fellows…

 

Damn right, Mommie Dearest has kids!

Damn right, Mommie Dearest has kids!

Awww, just look at those adorable twinsies.  And after this comes some back story about Lilith losing a daughter and being 800 million years old and then everyone’s running around trying not to get cooked and those big dudes go all Leatherface on people and there’s a cop (and the killer exchange of: Gretel – “You shot the sheriff!!” Lilith – “Oh, I shot the deputy too.” Totes brills) and Pops and Ruby show up and there’s a lot of weird stuff that makes you think Ruby is actually Lilith’s daughter but no, that’s totes trickster and then well, ya know…it’s Hansel & Gretel – we kind of know where this is going.

I WANTED you to be my daughter, you bitch!  We're just alike, you know!

I WANTED you to be my daughter, you bitch! We’re just alike, you know!

Seriously, this is by far, the best Asylum flick I’ve seen.  Dee Wallace is KILLER with her witchy psychotic granny portrayal (and you know, that’s really what makes this movie cause the other actors I could take or leave).  There’s one scene where Hansel starts to eat himself because he is so delicious (insert raunchy jokes here) that was super fun and not as fake as the usual Asylum stuff is and another girl getting sliced and diced with this crazy wires also works out really well.  Of course we have our moments where Ruby is dead but moving, the cops are at the top of the idiot food chain and it’s ridiculous to think Lilith who has been doing this for years now just woke up and thought to herself, “Welll, gosh darnit, I’m gonna have me those twins even if I have to take the whole town down to do it.”  Seriously, WTF, Lilith?  *sighs*

If you love The Asylum, you definitely have to check this one out!

 

 

 

 

 

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