Category Archives: Horror

Guest Post – Prep for Poker Night

Poker Night

Written and directed by Greg Francis, Poker Night promises to mix the detective and horror genres in a whole new way with a large cast of recognizable names including Ron Perlman, Giancarlo Esposito, and Beau Mirchoff. Francis’s other work is dedicated to the detective and horror genres in various tangential projects, but we’ve seemingly got a lot to expect from his newest venture into a hybrid of the two.

ronperlman2

We’re all familiar with poker scenes in movies. In the good ol’ Wild West, they indefinitely ended in guns blazing and death faces with the iconic tongue-out-of-the-mouth, ultra-cheesy look. But how do you handle a poker game in which the stakes turn out to be life and death? In the case of Poker Night, the protagonist is caught up in a life-or-death situation while matching wits with a sadistic killer who’s bent on ruining the protagonist’s new occupation to settle an old score with one of the protagonist’s colleagues.

In the film, leading man Beau Mirchoff as Stan Jeter has just signed on with Indiana’s Warsaw Police. As a rite of passage into the role, Jeter joins a poker game with the highest-ranking cops around and hears about the ups and downs of their careers.

beaumirchoff2

Once the game is over, things do not go well for Jeter. He gets abducted by a psychopath, who locks Jeter in a basement. Escaping proves not to be his first priority, though. It turns out that he finds his girlfriend Amy there. Using the tips he received from poker night, Jeter finds himself tasked with not only saving himself but saving Amy and taking in—or taking out—the serial killer in one fell swoop. Hard first day on the job!

Poker is a popular catalyst in films that follow the trend of a life-or-death gamble. Perhaps we can attribute this trope to the woes of gambling addiction and those Wild West killing sprees linked to the extreme stakes placed on any given game.

However, poker is hardly the only gambling-related game that stars in the movies, and bets come in all sizes. 21 featured counting cards in blackjack, The Gambler (based on a Dostoevsky novel) is really just about a guy who gambles in all games possible, and Vegas Vacation is loaded with more fallout from bets and vested interest.

Poker Night has an interesting take on those topics, in its weaving knowledge and understanding on a darker level into the inner workings of the game. It will be interesting to see if we can match card hands and physical moves by Mirchoff and the killer in the film. For example, will they play per the basics of Texas Hold’em? Or will they throw caution to the wind, so to speak, and take on something like Omaha?

It’s likely they’ll go the way of Texas Hold’em, if not only for its popularity but also for its action. Betfair’s poker site highlights the latter quality by noting here that Hold’em is “one of the simplest, most action-packed and prestigious of all the poker variants.” It’s also described as being one of the “best poker experiences available,” which leads me to believe it could make for some great cinema.  Either way, it should please both horror and poker fans alike.

giancarloesposito

There is no secure distribution for the film just yet, so don’t expect to see it on the silver screen just yet. Yet, there seems to be hope with names like Mirchoff, Perlman, and Esposito attached. To that end, you can be sure that even if the film hits as a B-crime flick, the movie will surely be worth your time.

This is a guest post by Ron Johnson, a freelance movie writer with a special place in his heart for old Westerns along with the work of Mel Brooks. As you can probably guess, Blazing Saddles is his favorite film of all time.

Save Yourself Set to Film

You all know how I love my horror movies and as I got sent this the other day and think it sounds like it’s going to be hella fun, I thought I’d share!

Save Yourself TeaserV10

“SURVIVAL IS NOT AN OPTION” IN THE NEW FEMALE-DRIVEN
HORROR FILM ‘SAVE YOURSELF’ SHOOTING THIS SUMMER
Scream Queen Jessica Cameron Set to Star in Ryan M. Andrews’ Latest Horror Film

Following the success of his recent features, SICK, a festival favorite and Black Eve, currently available on DVD, award-winning director Ryan M. Andrews is set to direct his originally scripted Save Yourself this summer. Scream Queen Jessica Cameron will be starring in as well as producing this sexy horror flick along with Producer Emma Sutherland. Overseeing the project are executive producers Pino Halili and Allen Ormerod from multi-award winning studio
Post City Sound Inc.

The plotline for Save Yourself is as follows: En route to L.A., director Crystal Lacroix, along with by-the-numbers producer Dawn Summerville, neurotic writer Lizzy Miller, and star sisters Kim and Sasha Tobin, are riding high after a successful screening of their new horror film. But when Crystal goes missing at a rest stop, their mood suddenly changes. The others, splitting up to search for Crystal, spot an isolated farmhouse and enlist the help of its owners, quickly discovering that appearances are not always what they seem. Life imitates art as all five ladies find themselves pitted against a deranged couple hell-bent on using them for their mysterious research. Who will survive and what will be the fate of their ultimate discovery?

Having worked together in the past, Andrews and Cameron have discussed collaborating on a feature for years. Together they decided that Ryan’s script Save Yourself is the ideal choice. Award winning actor Ry Barrett (Neverlost, Desperate Souls, Antisocial) will join the cast as Save Yourself’s intense villain. This will be the first time Andrews, Cameron and Barret have collaborated since last year’s experimental short film Klymene.

Cameron’s latest film Truth or Dare has won more than two-dozen awards playing the festival circuit. She is also known for such films as the Roger Corman produced Camel Spiders, currently airing on the SyFy channel, and Steven C. Miller’s remake of Silent Night. Save Yourself marks Cameron’s 5th movie in under a year in which she is starring as well as producing.

Cameron was recently quoted as saying “This script is the sexiest and smartest female-driven horror flick that I have had the pleasure to read and I cannot wait to bring it to life with Ryan”. Talking about the female-driven story Andrews says, “I love Jean-Luc Godard’s quote ‘all you need for a movie is a gun and a girl.’ In the same way all you need for a horror is blood and a girl – and we’ve got five girls. It’s definitely going to be fun and sexy, but most importantly the women are not just one-dimensional. There is a lot of depth and development to their characters. And as a die-hard horror fan, I know just how important this is. It can’t just be another pretty face. There needs to be layers there for anyone to care when that face gets smashed.”

Filming begins later this year in Ontario, Canada. Expect more Save Yourself updates including full cast details coming soon! Please “Like” Save Yourself’s Facebook fan page and follow them on Twitter for more up-to-date information about this exciting new horror film!

Facebook.com/SaveYourselfMovie Twitter: @SaveYourselfMVE

Episode 50

Episode 50

Hmmm…what to say about Episode 50?  Fair to middling, I guess best sums it up.  There’s nothing new here, nothing shocking but as far as acting and story goes, this is a quick, easy pill to swallow.

We start out rather cutely with a TV crew of paranormal investigators investigating a couple’s house.  My favorite part here is, when hunting around for the ghost, the husband is carrying a hammer (as if that’s going to do any good) and then accidentally beams his wife in the head.  The next shot is her with a bandage and black eye.  I know, I know, I shouldn’t laugh just the way they do it was hysterical (I’m also a little lacking in sleep though…).

Sorry, honey.

Sorry, honey.

The paranormal investigators aren’t your usual type – they’re there to explain away all these occurrences through natural means.  One, mice are setting off the fancy equipment other paranormal investigators sold these people and two, hubby is a slob and has left open not only paint cans downstairs but also things like coolants which are creating fumes throughout the house which in turn makes the couple dizzy, nauseous, etc.  And this is how we see an episode of the paranormal investigators t.v. show.

Next up is some dying guy who owns an abandoned asylum that’s supposed to be one of the most haunted places ever.  He hires our paranormal team to spend the weekend at the asylum because (at least as far as I can tell) if they find something paranormal, then he’ll be a ghost.  If they debunk everything there, then he’s going to spend eternity in Hell.  Um, k…

Unfortunately, our paranormal team has to also work with a Christian paranormal team (which is new to me – I didn’t think the Christian religion was big on the paranormal but maybe that was just my church) who are there to PROVE that the place IS haunted.

Episode 50 3

Of course since we’ve got two paranormal teams in an insanely haunted asylum, things go pretty much straight to hell but it’s with very little blood or violence.  There’s no chills or scares here, just your standard “made ya jumps” and ghostly ghastly quick moving women.  And then it gets a little cheesy at the end.

It doesn’t suck but it’s nothing special either – silly fun if you’re in a crowd that scares easily.

I am The Ripper

i am the ripper

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, so let’s see how it goes.  Entering Misty’s stream of consciousness in 3, 2, 1….

    • Freakannibal Pictures – so far I like this.
    • Um….what?  Please tell me the entire movie isn’t filmed on a home camera.
    • “Take a look at yourself.  You’re black, you’re equipped” dude grabs other dude’s crotch…
    • Orgasmatron.  My new favorite word.
    • Did I mention this is a foreign film?
    • Apparently this was made before Alien vs. Predator cause two dudes are having an argument about who would win.
    • Wait, Harry Potter is in this??
    • Is Predator really art?
    • Seriously how old is this movie??
    • This party sucks.
    • That guy just said “I have ants in my pants” while wondering where all the women are.  Wait, I watched that movie already.  It was called “Antfarm Dickhole”…
    • Great, now Netflix is having trouble loading this cinematic masterpiece. *sighs*
    • This is taking forever.  So…so far we’ve got a group of kids that are at a party being filmed with a really really lousy camera; a hot chick that’s really into comics and nerdy guys; a guy I’m pretty sure is my ex-boyfriend; Harry Potter; and a bunch of dudes making asses of themselves trying to get laid.  I am VERY excited for the killer to come along!
    • Still waiting on Netflix to load…so…um…it’s been snowy a lot…yeah…I got new tires on my car!  But now I apparently need like $900 worth of more work done.  So that sucks.
    • Oh wait, movie is back!
    • “A blond with culture?  Now I’ve seen everything!”  This movie is so charming…
    • I think Yann is about to die!!
    • Apparently this guy doesn’t get out much because he just got way too excited about a t.v. and peanuts.
    • Oh thank goodness someone is dying.  Maybe the rest of them will now too.  They really are a disgusting bunch of kids, no lie.  Some guy just came while this girl was making out with him and everyone’s mocking him now, lol.  He needs new trousers.
    • Now Cecile (because apparently that’s her name) is all over Harry Potter who’s fondling a stuffed animal boa constrictor.
    • More death??
    • Dude, the Ripper just ninja’d that girl’s head!
    • Blood’s dripping from the ceiling and this witty guy asks the girl sitting next to him if she’s having her period.
    • Yay! The Ripper just showed up to the party with the girl’s head and started killing!!  And some guy is being a bad ass and karate chopping him.  w00t!
    • OW.  Dude did the splits only to get his leg broken.  And then he died. Is “poof” an insult?  I think these kids are French.
    • Oooohhh, the kids are stuck in a loop!  They can only  just go back to the living room they were partying in.  Yet, they’re still trying to run…five minutes later…*sighs*  These guys are not too bright.  And every time they enter the living room, this one kid falls onto his knees, screaming “No!!!!!!!”.  *giggles*
    • Now, the guy who came while he was making out is beating to death Cecile while some other guy laughs hysterically in the background.  Oh wait, she’s okay.  Cum Guy is a douchebag and a half.
    • Oh no!  I think Comic Book Hottie is about to die!
    • Now Comic Book Hottie is going around trying to kill people.  I’m going to assume that the Ripper is a spirit and not a person.  How much longer is this movie? Oh lord, an hour and eleven minutes.  We’ve only covered 21 minutes.
    • Wait, now the Ripper is with the other group (cause they split up) and now everyone has guns.  And he just punched a guy’s head in.  I’m so confused.
    • Comic Book Hottie just ripped my ex-boyfriend looking dude’s heart out.  And knifed/sworded ….
    • Wait, where did the machine guns come from?  I think everybody is almost dead so how on earth is this another hour and some odd minutes?
    • What is up with all the guys in this movie punching girls??  What a bunch of a-holes
    • Awww, good for that one girl, she just stabbed one of the dudes that punched her with a pair of scissors.
    • Okay…so the Ripper is just a skeleton.  And he told these two kids to look behind them and now there’s really bad CGI and they’re terrified!
    • They’re also getting ripped apart by heavy metal concert rejects that I’m taking to be some sort of demons or something, I should probably add that.
    • Looks like we’re down to one guy and he’s fighting the Ripper, both with guns again, and I think we still have an hour left of this thing.  And um, the bullets are cartoon bullets.
    • Aw, dude’s gun is out of bullets and the Ripper is bored.  But dude went to look for another weapon so it’s all cool and shiz.  Well, except the Ripper got tired of waiting and is kicking his ass.
    • And…the Ripper just showed him the bad CGI and now dude is crying!
    • Oh, snap.  The Ripper just challenged him to a duel!  A wrestling match.  He said “I’ll be the Undertaker and you can be Hulk Hogan”.  Ha!
    • Okay, Dude has to take a rest and then train for 24 hours.  Then they have the wrestling match.  Oh, and they’re meeting in a public place tomorrow for this match apparently.
    • I bet we get a training montage now!!
    • Netflix just stopped again.  This movie hates me!
    • So…yeah…how’s everybody doing?  Handling the cold okay and all?  I, for one, cannot WAIT for spring!
    • So the Ripper is actually the Grim Reaper.  So I guess instead of playing chess, they’re doing it old school wrestling style.
    • Instead of training, Dude is seeing what’s on t.v.  NOT watching wrestling but watching some toys fighting. He’s super smart. y’all.
    • Oh, HERE’s the nudity we were lacking the rest of the movie.  Watching porn will definitely help him battle the Grim Reaper.
    • Aw, Grimmie killed the porn lady while he says “You’ve got nothing better to do than watch rubbish, you have 21 hours left.”
    • Now Dude has decided he’s going to commit suicide in the middle of the street.  And then two of his dead friends come back with guns and start shooting random bystanders.  I’m still confused…
    • This was made in 2004.  Is all this gun violence supposed to be some sort of political statement?
    • Okay, dude succeeded in killing himself so I guess there’s no wrestling match??  Dammit, I was looking forward to that!
    • He’s talking to all his dead friends now and his friends are saying that Grimmie gave them two options – either go to hell or work for him.  So they decided to work for Grimmie or “the Big Boss” as they call him.  And now that Dude is dead, Grimmie says no wrestling match but Dude has to kill someone he loved while he was alive.
    • Oh, wait, Comic Book Hottie is apparently still alive so Dude has to kill her!  Otherwise all his friend’s contracts will be up and everybody goes to hell.
    • THERE’S STILL 46 MINUTES LEFT IN THIS MOVIE.  I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN TAKE IT.
    • A third friend has shown up saying he’s actually an angel and infiltrated their group.  But now he thinks there are better benefits working for Death.
    • Comic Book Hottie is really confused and pissed off upon seeing Dude.  Thinking Dude is going to up and kill her like he’s supposed to.  Wait, no, he’s walking away.
    • Sorry guys, the movie has gotten way less fun and way more boring now.
    • They all just got randomly shot by someone in an elevator…
    • Dude went back to see Comic Book Hottie but he’s now saving her from his dead friends.  And there’s a lot of guns again.
    • Random goth girl.
    • Lots of fighting.
  • Oh, goth girl is an Angel of Death.  She told dead friend #1 to bring her Dude because he failed in killing Comic Book Hottie and his soul now belongs to goth girl.
  • Comic Book Hottie wouldn’t stop shouting that Dude was a coward and had no balls so he finally shot her.
  • Another shoot out between two dead guys.
  • Now the angels are fighting…
  • Goth girl/Angel of Death told Dude that his soul belongs to her and she’ll come back and take it whenever she wants.  I really wish she’d come do that now.  But instead he goes to some Halloween party at some bar.
  • And there’s still 22 minutes left.  I think I’m going to skip watching the band “sing” and go make a sandwich.
  • Oh joy.  The goth girl/Angel of Death is back and now there’s another shoot out in the bar.  This movie isn’t predictable at all.  Nope.  I wonder what will happen next?  Oh.  Another fight.  Of course.  *sighs*
  • Goth girl/Angel of Death just lost her head.  Man, that sucks.
  • Yay!  Grimmie showed back up!  They’re finally going to have their duel!
  • They’re dueling with daggers or some shiz.  Worst duel EVER.
  • Uh-oh.  Grimmie is in trouble for killing people whenever he wants! Now he’s dueling a whole committee of men in masks with his apparently brand new super powers.  He thinks he’s a Jedi, ha!
  • Now Grimmie is being punished and wants Dude to become Death.  And Dude is all, “What a load of rubbish.”
  • And then Dude’s face exploded all over the place and he became Death.

THE FREAKING END.

So to sum up, I’m sure there was some sort of meta or existentialist message here somewhere but I totally missed it, although I do have to admit that for being incredibly lo-budget, the cinematography wasn’t that bad (especially considering it was 2004) but still watch this one at your own risk.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

all the boys love mandy lane

Whoo boy, you guys were right about All The Boys Love Mandy Lane!  I LOVED this movie!  So fun and such a trip.  I think I’m probably the last one out of everybody to see this one but maybe someone out there still hasn’t seen it and if not, then you definitely need to, got it?  ;)

Meet Mandy Lane.  Ain't she just gorgeous??

Meet Mandy Lane. Ain’t she just gorgeous??

It’s a pretty simple concept.  Mandy Lane gets particularly hot over a summer in high school and all the boys are falling all over her.  Mandy however is quiet and shy and bff’s with a guy who’s a bit of an outsider and gets to be even more of an outsider when he pulls a prank at a pool party that leaves a boy dead.  (He has the boy jump off a roof, even though the guy is wayyyy too drunk, to impress Mandy Lane).  Fast forward a bit in time and Mandy is still quiet and shy but no longer friends with Outcast Boy.  She’s now friends with the popular crowd.  She and a couple of other girls are invited to a weekend at Stoner Dude’s ranch and Mandy talks her aunt into letting her go.  Once they get there it’s all drugs, sex, and rock’n’roll until people start dying one by one.  But who’s killing them off?  And why?

Run, Mandy, Run!

Run, Mandy, Run!

For a slasher film, this one is aces.  Amber Heard is gorgeous and perfect as Mandy Lane and every one plays their part here well.  The cinematography is aces too.  Really, I have no complaints.  This is like a perfect slasher flick.  It’s fun, it’s enjoyable, it’s a heck of a thrill ride.  I didn’t see the ending coming till the very last second and was surprised when it came.  It’s rare these days that a movie can do that.  So check it out.  I promise you won’t regret it!

Bunni

bunni

I have to admit to being a fan of this offering from Red Serial Films and Daniel Benedict.  It’s def got an old school slasher feel to it with just the right amount of cheesy goodness to make it pretty damn fun for the whole family.  Okay, well, not the whole family.  Definitely don’t show this one to the kiddos!

Our story starts with an abused woman fighting with her husband and the whole thing just starts with a BAM! (picture that in comic book style writing, k?).  Then we move on to a bunch of college age kids out at a bar for Halloween – we’ve got Dickface (whom I wanted to punch in the balls), his girlfriend, Sweetie and then Honeybee and her boyfriend, Ninja Turtle.  No, of course those aren’t their real names in the film but we know how I like to name characters and make them my own. ;)

Honeybee and Ninja Turtle are pretty norms and a cute little couple.  Dickface is cheating on his girlfriend and majorly abusive towards her verbally.  Again, did I mention the ball punching I wanted to do?  Anywho, they decide to leave the bar and on the way home stumble across this old boarded up former sex shop so of COURSE they just have to break in and see what it’s all about.  Can’t blame them, I would’ve done the same thing.

HoneyBee and Ninja Turtle

Honeybee and Ninja Turtle

Dickface drags Sweetie off so she can give him a bj while Honeybee and Ninja Turtle explore the rest of the place.  And that is when the slasher fun begins.  I am happy to report that Dickface is the first to die in an EPIC way that includes…well, you just have to see it.   Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.  (Seriously, I hated this character SOOOO much.  I was SOOOO happy when he died first!)

Sweetie, HoneyBee and Dickface

Sweetie, Honeybee and Dickface

Obvis, as it’s a slasher movie, a whole bunch of other people die, so I’m not giving anything away there.  There’s also a twist, I actually didn’t see coming, that had me say ‘Wait, what?????’, so that was fun.  For such a lo-budget film, the special effects and gore are totally top notch.   This is one of the goriest films I’ve watched in awhile (although I haven’t been watching a ton of movies, I know but still).  And it seemed to be all old school effects so major ups for that shiz.

The acting varied.  The majority of people were pretty good but there were definitely a couple of moments where I wondered if this was some of these guys first film.  Nothing so atrocious that it totally took away from the overall effect, just a mild moment here and there where I went, “Huh.”  And if it was their first film, then good for them because they picked an excellent one to be a part of.

So what can I say?  I dug it, cheesy parts, gory parts, even the couple of parts that made me say “Hey, what?” because this right here is what true indie film is all about especially when it comes to horror.  You go Daniel Benedict (writer/director/Dickface) and Red Serial.  You guys are rocking it!

Anatomy of a Psycho

Anatomy of a Psycho

So I found this cool app on my Kindle where you could download like 99 classic horror films for $.99.  Of course I wasn’t going to pass that up especially since I am severely lacking in the classic horror department of my education – it’s pretty limited to things like Cabinet of Dr. Caligari and Haxan.  I decided to watch them in the order they appear in the app and this was right after Bucket of Blood (which I’ve already seen and own) so Anatomy Of A Psycho it was.

Anatomy of a Psycho 2

Meet Chet.  Chet here is apparently a teenager…ahem…whose brother has just been executed because he was accused of killing someone.  Chet thinks his brother was innocent and is extremely upset about his bro’s execution while everybody else, including Chet’s sister believes the other brother was guilty and got what he deserved.  Anyways, Chet gets increasingly delusional and paranoid (or something…really he just starts ranting a lot and getting into fights) until he finally attacks the son of the only witness to his brother’s crime – a boy who happens to be dating his sister.  Dum dum DUM!!!!  Oh and someone dies.  Just fyi.

I don’t watch a lot of classic movies (remember how I was going to try to watch all sorts of classic movies in 2013 and it never happened??) so I dunno how I feel about this movie.  Mostly I was confused that everyone was talking about going to school, a school with lockers, when they all looked to be in their 20s – did they not actually use teenagers in movies back in the 60s?  Then I was annoyed by the sister because dear lord, all she did was swoon onto couches in hysterics.  Seriously, woman, pull yourself together!  Oy.  And thirdly, I was confused about why this was a horror movie.  I’d classify it more as a psychological thriller – a bit of a boring one but still.  I also saw elsewhere that it was classified as exploitation…not sure how that one works either.  Melodrama, definitely.  Horror – not even.

But overall, it was okay.  Yes, it was melodramatic at times and silly but it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen.  It was fun to watch something I’m not used to, at any rate and I’m excited to check out the other 97 or so films.

American Mary

American Mary

Pretty sure you all have seen American Mary already but if you haven’t get thee forth post haste and do so!  Man, did I love this movie.  It’s got one of my biggest all time girl crushes in it, Katharine Isabelle from my beloved Ginger Snaps, and the story itself is just kickawesome.  I never knew what was going to happen next and that so rarely happens these days.

Meet Mary.

Meet Mary.

Mary’s just your typical med student who wants to be a surgeon, who’s also up to her eyeballs in debt, a total starving student as she says at one point.  To make ends meet, she decides to try to her hand at stripping but things don’t exactly go as planned.  Instead of stripping, she’s asked by the club’s owner to help save the life of one of his boys who is extremely hurt for whatever reason.  $5000 if she agrees to help him out.  So of course she does.  I would too for that kind of money and I’m not even in med school.

Next she starts to get harassed by a woman named Beatrice, a dancer from the club, who has had extreme body modification done to look like Betty Boop, while really she just looks uber creepy.  Bea has a friend who wants to be a living Barbie doll and as such wants…well…she wants the full Barbie package including the whole no genitalia and asexuality bit.  Once again there’s a lot of money on the table and since Mary’s still in debt, she once again agrees to do it.  Poor Mary, this is really the start of her downfall.

Beatrice.  Totes creepy, right??

Beatrice. Totes creepy, right??

After Mary does this surgery, more follow till…well…if you actually haven’t seen this one, I don’t want to ruin it for you but let’s just say Mary gets drawn into a seedy underworld and then something unspeakable happens to her that makes her go just a teensy bit cray.  Just a teensy bit though… ;)

Seriously, this movie rocks more than words can describe so if you haven’t seen it GO NOW!!!  I included a link up top just for you!  Damn, I love Katharine Isabelle.  She is so phenomenal and so incredibly hot.  I need to go watch this again, like right now.  Laterz.

Darkroom

darkroom1

Well, Darkroom is…interesting. And has absolutely nothing to do with photography like I thought it did.  Instead, it’s a kind of mixed up tale of a girl who got into a car accident, killing her three friends, who then gets sent to rehab instead of jail and then ends up as a playtoy for three psycho siblings hellbent on purging her of her sins.  So yeah…interesting…but I’m not sure how much I liked it.

What I definitely didn’t like was the first thirty minutes or so where the scenes keep switching in a non-linear way from Michelle (the aforementioned girl) being in rehab, hanging with her friends at a club, going on a modeling job and then being in psycho land.  Back and forth and back and forth and back again, the scenes switch with me being convinced that she actually died in this car wreck and is in purgatory (she didn’t so no spoilers there) but I was terrifically confused this whole time as to where we stood on the time frame of things.

Our Last Girl Standing

Our Last Girl Standing

Essentially, the mother/warden from the rehab clinic or whatever it was, is actually one of the psychos and has two brothers.  They grew up with a crazy religious mother who said things like “Confess your sins!” and “You’re a dirty little girl!” so that really fucked them up for life.  Not sure how they all landed jobs at this rehab place but whatevs.

And to carry on their mother’s legacy, when girls are let out of the rehab, they tell them they’re getting a job helping out on a modeling gig (helping out with lighting and hair/makeup/etc.) but when the girls arrive, they’re told a model has dropped out and they will need to take her place.  And that’s when the real fun begins as the trio of siblings slices and dices and makes mincemeat of the girls all while haranguing them about their sins and being “dirty little girls”.

The acting is far from terrible in this but is just typical of your standard slasher film.  There’s a couple of good fight scenes that happen near the end that I really dug.  There’s your typical cat and mouse going on – will Michelle escape or won’t she?  Overall, pretty standard fare.

Not great and not terrible, this is good rainy day material.

13/13/13

131313

Oh, 13/13/13 (2013) (Dir. Bressack),what were you thinking??  I don’t understand you at all.  Your blurb says this:  “For millenia, calendars have added an extra day every four years.  In doing so, they violated the ancient Mayan calendar.  Now we are in the 13th month of the 13th year of the new millenium, and the few who survive will battle a world of demons.”  Really?  Demons?  Where the hell were these demons?  What your blurb should’ve said was this – “A long and oft times boring trip through a world where people just wake up bonkers one day and start killing each other but of course, there’s at least one lone survivor and a girl who does nothing but carry around an ax and scream.”

I don’t even know where to start with this.  Why did I watch?  Because I watched 11/11/11 and 12/12/12 which I’m not even totally sure have anything to do with this one, mostly because those two were so bad I can’t remember what happened.  But I felt obligated to finish out this trilogy, if indeed that’s what this is.  Why do I do these things to myself?  Not even I know the answer to that one.

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Basically what happens is – we open on a scene of two bloody girls, then switch to some dudes having a guys’ camping trip. One of the dudes – let’s call him James, cause I think that might have actually been his name…maybe… – his watch is set to 13:13 and he thinks the other guys are messing with him.  They insist they aren’t.  They pack up to go home and go to James’ which is where I start getting confused because 1) it seems like he’s divorced from his wife and is going by to either pick up his kid or just say hi to his ex-wife but what ex-wife is cool with her ex-husband bringing along the guys’ and invading her house and eating her food and drinking her beer and stuff?? and 2) one guy seems to have an unhealthy interest in James’ 12 year old daughter – he remarks several times what a sweet little girl she is…creepy!

They get to the house and like I said before just invade the place, chatting in the kitchen and eating food like they live there while the ex-wife does dishes and the little girl plays outside.  Then James realizes he’s trying to talk to his ex and she’s not responding perhaps because he’s all up in this place like it’s still his.  Oh no, wait, she’s pulling a Lady Macbeth and has partially scratched the skin off one arm.  Out, damn spot, indeed!  So James leaves his kid in the hands of his knucklehead friends while he takes the ex to the hospital and they decide to drink beer and watch t.v. or something.  Finally one dude goes outside to check on the kid and this is where you start to see that things are getting a little cray up in here.

Little girl starts saying things like “My dad told me not to talk to you.  He said you like little girls.”  Note this is is the friend who was all “She’s such a sweet little girl” earlier.  Which makes me ask – if this is true, why the hell is James leaving his 12 year old alone with this guy around???  Take the kid to the hospital with you for pete’s sake.  Anyway, little girl and dude get into a bitch slapping contest and then the little girl kicks dude’s ass.  Priceless.

Meanwhile James has landed at the douchiest hospital on the fact of the planet where seriously everyone is an asshole.  He even SAYS that to one lady.  And then things get crazier and everybody is trying to kill everybody and it’s all because it’s leap year but if you were born on leap year then you’re immune and it’s all basically just stupid.  And there are no demons, unless I really really missed something.

This is really something I can NOT recommend unless you’re just like me and try your best to watch all the bad movies out there.  Definitely watch at your own risk!

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