Category Archives: Horror
Are we all getting a little tired of anthologies by now? ABC’s of Death and V/H/S’s all over the place? Yeah? Well, screw them, watch this and have your faith in the anthology genre restored. Volumes of Blood doesn’t just wipe the floor with those two, it wipes the floor with blood (and brains…and guts…and stuff…) and remains wickedly funny throughout.
Volumes of Blood is a super indie collaborative effort out of Kentucky that involved almost 150 people (I believe – correct me if I’m wrong, P.j.!), which is pretty amazing in and of itself. MY last indie project, I was acting, co-directing, holding a boom AND getting coffee, lol. Ah….movie making….I can’t remember the last time I saw an indie look this good though, particularly a lo-budget one. “Misty! Stop talking about behind the scene crap and tell us what happens ON screen!” Yeah, yeah, I hear you…
Urban legends is what we have here, guys and gals. But not those silly old boring urban legends we’ve all heard a MILLION times before (no Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary here!). No, we get new urban legends, entirely made up as the film progresses. I have to admit to being a sucker for urban legends because really they’re nothing more than modern fairy tales and my fascination & study of fairy tales is a lifelong thing (that I’m going to refrain from babbling on about – see I can be good). And the legends here have some unique modern spins indeed. From demonic energy drinks to learning lessons about playing pranks to satanic encyclopedias (c’mon, this NEVER ends well!) to ghostly visitors who like to tease…you’ll have a blast from beginning to end.
What’s more is that all the effects are PRACTICAL effects which absolutely makes me shiver with delight. It’s that absolutely brilliant old-school style with just a hint of a lovely Troma-esque influence….*sighs*…..Especially the end….oh the end…There should have been more blood and gore. Yeah. Maybe that’s my one complaint. MORE of this, please!! So those of you who are into that too will def get a kick out of this one.
There’s also some really good acting going on here. Not gonna lie – sometimes grabbing your friends up to make a movie means not so wonderful acting. Just the truth. But here? Nah. These guys are GOOD. There were a couple of people who only had a line here or there that were a little stiff but all the characters that were essential held my attention and sold it. TOTES. This is even better when you know that a good portion of things were improv.
And ya know what? If I STILL haven’t managed to convince you, I’ll just let my favorite line of the movie do it.
“Learn how to die or start making Christian films!”
P.S. Check ’em out on Facebook!
Awhile back I did an interview with my friend P.j. about his upcoming horror anthology, Volumes of Blood, and lo and behold the premiere is finally upon us! I, for one, am super excited about this (even if I can’t go to the premiere because distance). I think the anthology is going to be pretty cool though and I’m excited to see it when it gets a wider release. P.j. sent me this teaser short to give you guys a taste of what’s to come, so enjoy!
“Kevin Smith has always been a huge inspiration for me, so I made the decision to create my own universe around Volumes of Blood. This is just the first online short in that mission. The Preylude shows you how one of the characters from the film gets into the situation we find her in, in the film. There’s no real pay off, because the conclusion follows through in the motion picture that releases on Friday the 13th this month at the Owensboro Convention Center. Tickets are only $5 and all proceeds go to a local charity. Doors open at 7 pm. It’s gonna be a great time for a good cause.” ~P.j. Starks
If you want to learn more, check out the Volumes of Blood Facebook page!
Today’s the day of turkey and gratefulness and to combine these two things, I’m sharing one of my favorite Thanksgiving movies – Thankskilling!! There’s nothing better than a homicidal turkey and topless Pilgrims on Thanksgiving, so I suggest you give Thankskilling a view after you’ve killed your turkey dinner. Heh. Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!
Party Slashers, written and directed by Carl Bachmann, is currently in the midst of a Kickstarter campaign to get this movie funded so I thought I’d share with all of you awesome people so we can continue to support indie film. The film is about a group of high schoolers who team up to survive a Halloween party crashed by undead mass murderers whom were accidentally summoned during a Dungeons & Dragons game. D&D, huh? I never realized what a dangerous game that was. ;)
They have a test scene up on Kickstarter and are rewarding backers custom Grindhouse posters featuring them in it, opportunities to get decapitated in the film, and other cool stuff. (Grindhouse posters? Kickawesome!!) Check out the trailer below and donate a bit if you’re able!
If you’ve been a reader of this site for awhile, then there are at least three things you know about me: 1) I love horror 2) I’m a pretty big and pretty dedicated fan of Jeremiah Kipp’s work and 3) I am a fan of Edgar Allan Poe. At least, I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned my love of Poe before (my memory is just the worst…). I started reading dear old Poe when I was 8 (not sure why my parents allowed that but hey, it gave me my first foray into horror lit and into the horror genre itself!) and “The Cask of Amontillado” was always my favorite. Something about being walled up for eternity just totally creeped me out (that 8 year old imagination probably came into wicked play there…). My friend, Jeremiah, has taken one of Poe’s short stories “Berenice” and turned into an deliciously creepy short film. It’s his little piece of the upcoming horror anthology Creepers, debuting on Blu-ray and VOD on October 7.
If you’re unfamiliar with the story, as I was (and thank goodness I didn’t read this one as a child, is all I gotta say), there once was a boy named Edward who had a lovely cousin named Berenice (names updated for our modern audience) who came to live with him and his parents. Edward (Thomas Mendolia) is a bit awkward and obsessive compulsive. He has to turn lamps on a certain number of times and tinkers with small mechanical parts at his desk, alone in his room. Social he is not. Then along comes Berenice (Cheryl Koski) who is everything Edward is not – sociable, graceful, roaming carelessly through life. Except there’s a catch. Isn’t there always? Berenice is ill, dreadfully ill, with a mysterious malaise that we, at best, know causes seizures. And then there’s Edward’s mother (Susan Adriensen), who while being a bit of a stiff actress, manages to be absolutely terrifying. I’ve no idea if she’s in love with her son or just extremely overprotective and overpowering but I would not cross that woman. Edward’s father (Bob Socci) is rather unassuming, although he too comes off as a bit stiff. Edward is eventually told that he must be the one to take care of Berenice as she worsens, which he seems to be fine with as he’s seemingly…charmed by her, shall we say? And from there, I’ll let you either watch the film or go hunt down the story because what happens next is at times gruesome and then creepy.
Is the film good? You betcha. Thomas and Cheryl both embody their characters in such a way that it’s almost painful to watch – which in this particular story is a good thing. I’m far from being squeamish but there were a couple of scenes here that made me squirm just a bit (although it has been a rather long time since I’ve watched anything other than a tv show binge on Netflix…maybe that’s why…). And the ending? It’s not even the ending actually; it’s just the last final shot that got me. *shudders* Pure cinematic horror goodness right there.
If you love Poe, if you’ve liked my reviews of Jeremiah’s other works, if you just like short horror films done well and if you like horror anthologies (cause I hear the other parts are pretty kickawesome as well!), then check out “Berenice” and Creepers on October 7th!
So I got word of this very cool sounding project happening in KY right now and was able to snag one of the main guys (producer, co-writer and co-director), P.j., and convince him to do an interview with me. And by “convince”, I totes mean I tied him up in the basement till he answered my questions. TOTES. So here it is, all the scoop on the upcoming horror anthology (yay for horror anthologies! I have a soft spot in my heart for them), Volumes of Blood.
ML: Volumes of Blood is an Unscripted Film School (UFS) project. Can you explain what exactly the Unscripted Film School is, what it does and how long it’s been around?
P.j.: The Unscripted Film School program is something I co-created with Jim Blanton at the Daviess County Public Library. It’s an opportunity for interested locals to come participate in a hands on filmmaking session with local and regional talent. They have a chance to see what it takes and the various facets associated with making an indie film from special FX to cinematography to acting and directing. We tried it out on a smaller scale in January 2015 and premiered both short films at the Unscripted 3 film series to a lot of praise. Lucky, the Audience Award winning short, has gone on to get some great reviews and screen across the country in film festivals. Because of its success we decided to ramp up the program and do something wholly different and more expansive.
ML: This will be the second film for UFS. The first was a short called Lucky by Todd Martin. But this will be the first full length feature (although an anthology)? How is the process different from making a short to making a feature film?
P.j.: With the first film school program, the basic idea was like the 48 Hour Film Fest, only you’re shooting a short in 7.5 hours instead. Lucky gave us a chance to see the true potential of the program and Jim asked me to come up with some ideas on how to really expand the program. Rather than shoot one or two shorts, we’re now shooting 5 over the course of 4 months and instead of it being a competition, 5 different directors are working on what will be become a single project created from 5 different perspectives.
ML: The screenplay for Volumes of Blood is written by yourself, Todd Martin and Nathan Thomas Milliner. How did the idea come about? Was it something you purposely set out to do or was it a lucky accident?
P.j.: I knew I wanted there to be 5 short films. I already had been sitting on some ideas so I wrote the first three scripts, but I knew that I didn’t want to be the only writer for the anthology. I love to collaborate. Todd is a great writer and I contacted him to see if he wanted to come back for another stint with the Unscripted Film School 2. He accepted and the only stipulation I gave him was that one of the two stories he wrote had to be titled “Encyclopedia Satanica” because it’s such a badass title. I didn’t have a story, just a name. Todd got back to me with a couple scripts and I really dug what he wrote. Nathan has been a friend of mine for a while now and I asked him to come onto the project as a director. He chose “Encyclopedia” as his script and then did a pass on it. He added in a lot of cool literary elements and things that took the overall story to another level. Because of that he earned a writers credit as well.
ML: The logline reads “Five tales of dread interwoven when a sociology student gathers several of his friends at the local library to help him create a new urban legend with deadly consequences”, which honestly intrigues me because it reminds me of: 1) the movie Urban Legend; 2) the amazing episode of Buffy -“Conversations with Dead People” and 3) the V/H/S films oh, and 4) one of my all-time favorites Trick’r’Treat. Was Volumes of Blood inspired by any of these (probably not the Buffy episode, eh)? And if not what WAS the inspiration?
P.j.: It’s been pretty incredible the various different films that have come to light since I started this. I’m huge on writing homages to other films because for one I’m a big old school horror fan, and two I think that writing nuances into your stories are these great little moments for fans to grasp hold of a long the ride. I’ve wanted to do an anthology for a few years now and it just seemed like the right time. There are several inspirations and nods in Volumes of Blood that range from Friday the 13th and Insidious to more forgotten horror fare like After Midnight and He Knows You’re Alone. I’ve always been a fan of October and Halloween so several stories revolve around that time of year so I guess you can say that Trick ‘R Treat had some influence as well.
ML: Can you tell us what will be involved with these five tales? For example, will one be a ghost story and another full of zombies? Or is this a less supernatural film?
P.j.: I don’t want to give too much away but being a child of 80’s horror I can tell you that the film runs the horror sub-genre gamut. There will be ghosts, monsters, masked killers and possessed books so there’s a little something for every horror fan out there.
ML: Who is starring in your film? Have you hired only locals or did you expand your search?
P.j.: I expanded my search, but did cast a lot of actors that I had worked with before like Todd Reynolds (Hallows Eve: Slaughter on Second Street) and Louisa Torres (Lucky). This go around I reached out to several actors I’ve either wanted to work with for a while or worked with on others projects like Jason Crowe (The Hospital), Roni Jonah (The Zombie Movie), Jim O’Rear (The Hospital), Kevin Roach (Three Tears on Bloodstained Flesh), Kristine Farley (Bloody Hooker Bang Bang) and a whole slew of others. I’m really excited about the cast.
ML: Tell us a bit about the filming process. You’re filming one Saturday a month till it’s finished, correct? Has that streamlined the filming process? Do you think it would have been easier to shoot it over 5 consecutive days? Why draw it out?
P.j.: Because of the way the film school program is structured we need to have time between each film to give the community a chance to sign up to participate on each film. We’re allowing ten each, fifty in all once the project has completed shooting in November. This has streamlined things because it allows us a chance to regroup before the shoots since everyone is working with a different director each time and experiencing a completely different vision from the last. Plus, everyone on board this project is volunteering their time and it just makes sense to shoot it this way to make sure everyone is available to do their job. I myself had a full time job and a family so shooting 5 consecutive days is just not in the cards for me and I wouldn’t expect it to be for anyone else. Drawing out the process also gives me a chance to sit down and start editing the shorts to try and have one finished before the next begins. That way when the final night of production comes the movie will be nearly completed.
ML: When will Volumes of Blood be released and where will people be able to view and purchase it?
P.j.: I’m huge into gimmicks so the film will have an Owensboro, Kentucky premiere on Friday, March 13, 2015 at the Owensboro Convention Center. It will be hosted by 97X and The Boiler Room, who will also host an exclusive after party. The event itself will be a charity event where all proceeds will be donated to New Beginnings Sexual Assault Services. After that it’ll hopefully be coming to a film festival near you and the DVD release will be before December of next year.
ML: You funded this project via Kickstarter. Was that your first experience with crowd sourcing? Would you recommend it for up and coming directors? What advice would you give them on how to go about using this resource?
P.j.: This was the first time I ever truly begged for money, yes. Outside from family that is. Crowd funding is a weird and stressful thing. If it all works out in the end then the journey was well worth all the sweat and tears, but I can’t imagine spending sixty days struggling to reach our goal and not walking away with something because it wasn’t fulfilled. I mean potato salad got funded for like eighty gazillion dollars and we made our budget because of the support of nearly a hundred individuals and the skin of our teeth no less. It was an amazing feeling when we reached the goal and ultimately the project was 107% funded. I would recommend giving it a try, but prepare to work really hard to get what you want and don’t be afraid to get annoying.
ML: What’s next for UFS and Verite? :)
P.j.: Right now we’re reviewing submissions for Unscripted 4 that will start in January 2015 and go every Saturday until the last weekend in February. As far as Verite Cinema is concerned, I honestly can’t see anything beyond Volumes of Blood right now… except Volumes of Blood 2 of course.
A huge thanks to P.j. for sitting down to do this interview (as if he really had a choice, hehe. No, but seriously. I am sorry about the basement thing). If you want to become a fan of Volumes of Blood, like me, give ’em a “like” over on Facebook or follow them on Twitter for all the latest news!
Written and directed by Greg Francis, Poker Night promises to mix the detective and horror genres in a whole new way with a large cast of recognizable names including Ron Perlman, Giancarlo Esposito, and Beau Mirchoff. Francis’s other work is dedicated to the detective and horror genres in various tangential projects, but we’ve seemingly got a lot to expect from his newest venture into a hybrid of the two.
We’re all familiar with poker scenes in movies. In the good ol’ Wild West, they indefinitely ended in guns blazing and death faces with the iconic tongue-out-of-the-mouth, ultra-cheesy look. But how do you handle a poker game in which the stakes turn out to be life and death? In the case of Poker Night, the protagonist is caught up in a life-or-death situation while matching wits with a sadistic killer who’s bent on ruining the protagonist’s new occupation to settle an old score with one of the protagonist’s colleagues.
In the film, leading man Beau Mirchoff as Stan Jeter has just signed on with Indiana’s Warsaw Police. As a rite of passage into the role, Jeter joins a poker game with the highest-ranking cops around and hears about the ups and downs of their careers.
Once the game is over, things do not go well for Jeter. He gets abducted by a psychopath, who locks Jeter in a basement. Escaping proves not to be his first priority, though. It turns out that he finds his girlfriend Amy there. Using the tips he received from poker night, Jeter finds himself tasked with not only saving himself but saving Amy and taking in—or taking out—the serial killer in one fell swoop. Hard first day on the job!
Poker is a popular catalyst in films that follow the trend of a life-or-death gamble. Perhaps we can attribute this trope to the woes of gambling addiction and those Wild West killing sprees linked to the extreme stakes placed on any given game.
However, poker is hardly the only gambling-related game that stars in the movies, and bets come in all sizes. 21 featured counting cards in blackjack, The Gambler (based on a Dostoevsky novel) is really just about a guy who gambles in all games possible, and Vegas Vacation is loaded with more fallout from bets and vested interest.
Poker Night has an interesting take on those topics, in its weaving knowledge and understanding on a darker level into the inner workings of the game. It will be interesting to see if we can match card hands and physical moves by Mirchoff and the killer in the film. For example, will they play per the basics of Texas Hold’em? Or will they throw caution to the wind, so to speak, and take on something like Omaha?
It’s likely they’ll go the way of Texas Hold’em, if not only for its popularity but also for its action. Betfair’s poker site highlights the latter quality by noting here that Hold’em is “one of the simplest, most action-packed and prestigious of all the poker variants.” It’s also described as being one of the “best poker experiences available,” which leads me to believe it could make for some great cinema. Either way, it should please both horror and poker fans alike.
There is no secure distribution for the film just yet, so don’t expect to see it on the silver screen just yet. Yet, there seems to be hope with names like Mirchoff, Perlman, and Esposito attached. To that end, you can be sure that even if the film hits as a B-crime flick, the movie will surely be worth your time.
This is a guest post by Ron Johnson, a freelance movie writer with a special place in his heart for old Westerns along with the work of Mel Brooks. As you can probably guess, Blazing Saddles is his favorite film of all time.
You all know how I love my horror movies and as I got sent this the other day and think it sounds like it’s going to be hella fun, I thought I’d share!
“SURVIVAL IS NOT AN OPTION” IN THE NEW FEMALE-DRIVEN
HORROR FILM ‘SAVE YOURSELF’ SHOOTING THIS SUMMER
Scream Queen Jessica Cameron Set to Star in Ryan M. Andrews’ Latest Horror Film
Following the success of his recent features, SICK, a festival favorite and Black Eve, currently available on DVD, award-winning director Ryan M. Andrews is set to direct his originally scripted Save Yourself this summer. Scream Queen Jessica Cameron will be starring in as well as producing this sexy horror flick along with Producer Emma Sutherland. Overseeing the project are executive producers Pino Halili and Allen Ormerod from multi-award winning studio
Post City Sound Inc.
The plotline for Save Yourself is as follows: En route to L.A., director Crystal Lacroix, along with by-the-numbers producer Dawn Summerville, neurotic writer Lizzy Miller, and star sisters Kim and Sasha Tobin, are riding high after a successful screening of their new horror film. But when Crystal goes missing at a rest stop, their mood suddenly changes. The others, splitting up to search for Crystal, spot an isolated farmhouse and enlist the help of its owners, quickly discovering that appearances are not always what they seem. Life imitates art as all five ladies find themselves pitted against a deranged couple hell-bent on using them for their mysterious research. Who will survive and what will be the fate of their ultimate discovery?
Having worked together in the past, Andrews and Cameron have discussed collaborating on a feature for years. Together they decided that Ryan’s script Save Yourself is the ideal choice. Award winning actor Ry Barrett (Neverlost, Desperate Souls, Antisocial) will join the cast as Save Yourself’s intense villain. This will be the first time Andrews, Cameron and Barret have collaborated since last year’s experimental short film Klymene.
Cameron’s latest film Truth or Dare has won more than two-dozen awards playing the festival circuit. She is also known for such films as the Roger Corman produced Camel Spiders, currently airing on the SyFy channel, and Steven C. Miller’s remake of Silent Night. Save Yourself marks Cameron’s 5th movie in under a year in which she is starring as well as producing.
Cameron was recently quoted as saying “This script is the sexiest and smartest female-driven horror flick that I have had the pleasure to read and I cannot wait to bring it to life with Ryan”. Talking about the female-driven story Andrews says, “I love Jean-Luc Godard’s quote ‘all you need for a movie is a gun and a girl.’ In the same way all you need for a horror is blood and a girl – and we’ve got five girls. It’s definitely going to be fun and sexy, but most importantly the women are not just one-dimensional. There is a lot of depth and development to their characters. And as a die-hard horror fan, I know just how important this is. It can’t just be another pretty face. There needs to be layers there for anyone to care when that face gets smashed.”
Filming begins later this year in Ontario, Canada. Expect more Save Yourself updates including full cast details coming soon! Please “Like” Save Yourself’s Facebook fan page and follow them on Twitter for more up-to-date information about this exciting new horror film!
Facebook.com/SaveYourselfMovie Twitter: @SaveYourselfMVE
Hmmm…what to say about Episode 50? Fair to middling, I guess best sums it up. There’s nothing new here, nothing shocking but as far as acting and story goes, this is a quick, easy pill to swallow.
We start out rather cutely with a TV crew of paranormal investigators investigating a couple’s house. My favorite part here is, when hunting around for the ghost, the husband is carrying a hammer (as if that’s going to do any good) and then accidentally beams his wife in the head. The next shot is her with a bandage and black eye. I know, I know, I shouldn’t laugh just the way they do it was hysterical (I’m also a little lacking in sleep though…).
The paranormal investigators aren’t your usual type – they’re there to explain away all these occurrences through natural means. One, mice are setting off the fancy equipment other paranormal investigators sold these people and two, hubby is a slob and has left open not only paint cans downstairs but also things like coolants which are creating fumes throughout the house which in turn makes the couple dizzy, nauseous, etc. And this is how we see an episode of the paranormal investigators t.v. show.
Next up is some dying guy who owns an abandoned asylum that’s supposed to be one of the most haunted places ever. He hires our paranormal team to spend the weekend at the asylum because (at least as far as I can tell) if they find something paranormal, then he’ll be a ghost. If they debunk everything there, then he’s going to spend eternity in Hell. Um, k…
Unfortunately, our paranormal team has to also work with a Christian paranormal team (which is new to me – I didn’t think the Christian religion was big on the paranormal but maybe that was just my church) who are there to PROVE that the place IS haunted.
Of course since we’ve got two paranormal teams in an insanely haunted asylum, things go pretty much straight to hell but it’s with very little blood or violence. There’s no chills or scares here, just your standard “made ya jumps” and ghostly ghastly quick moving women. And then it gets a little cheesy at the end.
It doesn’t suck but it’s nothing special either – silly fun if you’re in a crowd that scares easily.
It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, so let’s see how it goes. Entering Misty’s stream of consciousness in 3, 2, 1….
- Freakannibal Pictures – so far I like this.
- Um….what? Please tell me the entire movie isn’t filmed on a home camera.
- “Take a look at yourself. You’re black, you’re equipped” dude grabs other dude’s crotch…
- Orgasmatron. My new favorite word.
- Did I mention this is a foreign film?
- Apparently this was made before Alien vs. Predator cause two dudes are having an argument about who would win.
- Wait, Harry Potter is in this??
- Is Predator really art?
- Seriously how old is this movie??
- This party sucks.
- That guy just said “I have ants in my pants” while wondering where all the women are. Wait, I watched that movie already. It was called “Antfarm Dickhole”…
- Great, now Netflix is having trouble loading this cinematic masterpiece. *sighs*
- This is taking forever. So…so far we’ve got a group of kids that are at a party being filmed with a really really lousy camera; a hot chick that’s really into comics and nerdy guys; a guy I’m pretty sure is my ex-boyfriend; Harry Potter; and a bunch of dudes making asses of themselves trying to get laid. I am VERY excited for the killer to come along!
- Still waiting on Netflix to load…so…um…it’s been snowy a lot…yeah…I got new tires on my car! But now I apparently need like $900 worth of more work done. So that sucks.
- Oh wait, movie is back!
- “A blond with culture? Now I’ve seen everything!” This movie is so charming…
- I think Yann is about to die!!
- Apparently this guy doesn’t get out much because he just got way too excited about a t.v. and peanuts.
- Oh thank goodness someone is dying. Maybe the rest of them will now too. They really are a disgusting bunch of kids, no lie. Some guy just came while this girl was making out with him and everyone’s mocking him now, lol. He needs new trousers.
- Now Cecile (because apparently that’s her name) is all over Harry Potter who’s fondling a stuffed animal boa constrictor.
- More death??
- Dude, the Ripper just ninja’d that girl’s head!
- Blood’s dripping from the ceiling and this witty guy asks the girl sitting next to him if she’s having her period.
- Yay! The Ripper just showed up to the party with the girl’s head and started killing!! And some guy is being a bad ass and karate chopping him. w00t!
- OW. Dude did the splits only to get his leg broken. And then he died. Is “poof” an insult? I think these kids are French.
- Oooohhh, the kids are stuck in a loop! They can only just go back to the living room they were partying in. Yet, they’re still trying to run…five minutes later…*sighs* These guys are not too bright. And every time they enter the living room, this one kid falls onto his knees, screaming “No!!!!!!!”. *giggles*
- Now, the guy who came while he was making out is beating to death Cecile while some other guy laughs hysterically in the background. Oh wait, she’s okay. Cum Guy is a douchebag and a half.
- Oh no! I think Comic Book Hottie is about to die!
- Now Comic Book Hottie is going around trying to kill people. I’m going to assume that the Ripper is a spirit and not a person. How much longer is this movie? Oh lord, an hour and eleven minutes. We’ve only covered 21 minutes.
- Wait, now the Ripper is with the other group (cause they split up) and now everyone has guns. And he just punched a guy’s head in. I’m so confused.
- Comic Book Hottie just ripped my ex-boyfriend looking dude’s heart out. And knifed/sworded ….
- Wait, where did the machine guns come from? I think everybody is almost dead so how on earth is this another hour and some odd minutes?
- What is up with all the guys in this movie punching girls?? What a bunch of a-holes
- Awww, good for that one girl, she just stabbed one of the dudes that punched her with a pair of scissors.
- Okay…so the Ripper is just a skeleton. And he told these two kids to look behind them and now there’s really bad CGI and they’re terrified!
- They’re also getting ripped apart by heavy metal concert rejects that I’m taking to be some sort of demons or something, I should probably add that.
- Looks like we’re down to one guy and he’s fighting the Ripper, both with guns again, and I think we still have an hour left of this thing. And um, the bullets are cartoon bullets.
- Aw, dude’s gun is out of bullets and the Ripper is bored. But dude went to look for another weapon so it’s all cool and shiz. Well, except the Ripper got tired of waiting and is kicking his ass.
- And…the Ripper just showed him the bad CGI and now dude is crying!
- Oh, snap. The Ripper just challenged him to a duel! A wrestling match. He said “I’ll be the Undertaker and you can be Hulk Hogan”. Ha!
- Okay, Dude has to take a rest and then train for 24 hours. Then they have the wrestling match. Oh, and they’re meeting in a public place tomorrow for this match apparently.
- I bet we get a training montage now!!
- Netflix just stopped again. This movie hates me!
- So…yeah…how’s everybody doing? Handling the cold okay and all? I, for one, cannot WAIT for spring!
- So the Ripper is actually the Grim Reaper. So I guess instead of playing chess, they’re doing it old school wrestling style.
- Instead of training, Dude is seeing what’s on t.v. NOT watching wrestling but watching some toys fighting. He’s super smart. y’all.
- Oh, HERE’s the nudity we were lacking the rest of the movie. Watching porn will definitely help him battle the Grim Reaper.
- Aw, Grimmie killed the porn lady while he says “You’ve got nothing better to do than watch rubbish, you have 21 hours left.”
- Now Dude has decided he’s going to commit suicide in the middle of the street. And then two of his dead friends come back with guns and start shooting random bystanders. I’m still confused…
- This was made in 2004. Is all this gun violence supposed to be some sort of political statement?
- Okay, dude succeeded in killing himself so I guess there’s no wrestling match?? Dammit, I was looking forward to that!
- He’s talking to all his dead friends now and his friends are saying that Grimmie gave them two options – either go to hell or work for him. So they decided to work for Grimmie or “the Big Boss” as they call him. And now that Dude is dead, Grimmie says no wrestling match but Dude has to kill someone he loved while he was alive.
- Oh, wait, Comic Book Hottie is apparently still alive so Dude has to kill her! Otherwise all his friend’s contracts will be up and everybody goes to hell.
- THERE’S STILL 46 MINUTES LEFT IN THIS MOVIE. I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN TAKE IT.
- A third friend has shown up saying he’s actually an angel and infiltrated their group. But now he thinks there are better benefits working for Death.
- Comic Book Hottie is really confused and pissed off upon seeing Dude. Thinking Dude is going to up and kill her like he’s supposed to. Wait, no, he’s walking away.
- Sorry guys, the movie has gotten way less fun and way more boring now.
- They all just got randomly shot by someone in an elevator…
- Dude went back to see Comic Book Hottie but he’s now saving her from his dead friends. And there’s a lot of guns again.
- Random goth girl.
- Lots of fighting.
- Oh, goth girl is an Angel of Death. She told dead friend #1 to bring her Dude because he failed in killing Comic Book Hottie and his soul now belongs to goth girl.
- Comic Book Hottie wouldn’t stop shouting that Dude was a coward and had no balls so he finally shot her.
- Another shoot out between two dead guys.
- Now the angels are fighting…
- Goth girl/Angel of Death told Dude that his soul belongs to her and she’ll come back and take it whenever she wants. I really wish she’d come do that now. But instead he goes to some Halloween party at some bar.
- And there’s still 22 minutes left. I think I’m going to skip watching the band “sing” and go make a sandwich.
- Oh joy. The goth girl/Angel of Death is back and now there’s another shoot out in the bar. This movie isn’t predictable at all. Nope. I wonder what will happen next? Oh. Another fight. Of course. *sighs*
- Goth girl/Angel of Death just lost her head. Man, that sucks.
- Yay! Grimmie showed back up! They’re finally going to have their duel!
- They’re dueling with daggers or some shiz. Worst duel EVER.
- Uh-oh. Grimmie is in trouble for killing people whenever he wants! Now he’s dueling a whole committee of men in masks with his apparently brand new super powers. He thinks he’s a Jedi, ha!
- Now Grimmie is being punished and wants Dude to become Death. And Dude is all, “What a load of rubbish.”
- And then Dude’s face exploded all over the place and he became Death.
THE FREAKING END.
So to sum up, I’m sure there was some sort of meta or existentialist message here somewhere but I totally missed it, although I do have to admit that for being incredibly lo-budget, the cinematography wasn’t that bad (especially considering it was 2004) but still watch this one at your own risk.