Category Archives: Horror
Hansel & Gretel
Fuck yeah, Asylum!! Hansel & Gretel
No, for realz, we’re teenagers. Totes.
So above we have Hansel & Gretel, who are like, totally teenagers, y’all. Gretel works at the local bakery called “The Gingerbread House” (ha! get it??) where Lilith serves up the best meat pies around. And we all know what happens when meat pies are involved, right, kiddies? I mean, we all did see Sweeney Todd, yeah? No?…. Anywho. H&G’s mom died at some point and Hansel feels really guilty about that (although I couldn’t ever figure out WHY – like maybe there was a car wreck when she was coming to pick him up or something?) but she’s been gone long enough that Gretel mentions not being able to remember her as well as she should. Well, good old Pops has been seeing this religious chick named Ruby for like a month or something and now they’re getting married. Hansel, being the whiny little asshat he is, starts yelling and crying and runs off into the woods in anger. Okay, I totally made that crying part up but still. Gretel gives chase to try to talk some sense into her idiot twin brother when whoopsie, he steps into a conveniently placed bear trap. Ouch.
Don’t worry, hon. Lilith will fix that nasty little boo boo up right quick.
The only place around ends up being Lilith’s from “The Gingerbread House” and Lilith is totes a sweetie so of course she bandages that wound up and feeds Hansel all the pastries in the world and then some “special” candy that she takes for her glaucoma. *giggles* Next thing you know, Hansel’s fast asleep and Lilith’s all, “Oh just stay here tonight, kiddies.” Then she gives Gretel some “magic” tea that knocks Gretel right the hell out. This is the point where I started to be wary of Lilith’s intentions here, just sayin’.
Lalala, chores instead of leaving the house for the hospital for my brother, tralalala….
The next morning Gretel wakes up to find her brother gone with an explanation of a neighbor having taken him to the hospital. Why doesn’t she leave straightaway? Well, the woods are dangerous, y’all, she might as well wait for that neighbor to come back for her. In the meantime, might as well help Lilith out with a few chores, right? Hansel wakes up to an entirely different scenario – one where he’s locked in a dungeon with three other teens who tell him that they’re being fattened up to be cooked later on. Hansel isn’t the brightest crayola in the box so he kinda just goes, ‘Huh, what? Oh pastries! Oh wait, don’t eat those!” And this is about the time we meet these fellows…
Damn right, Mommie Dearest has kids!
Awww, just look at those adorable twinsies. And after this comes some back story about Lilith losing a daughter and being 800 million years old and then everyone’s running around trying not to get cooked and those big dudes go all Leatherface on people and there’s a cop (and the killer exchange of: Gretel – “You shot the sheriff!!” Lilith – “Oh, I shot the deputy too.” Totes brills) and Pops and Ruby show up and there’s a lot of weird stuff that makes you think Ruby is actually Lilith’s daughter but no, that’s totes trickster and then well, ya know…it’s Hansel & Gretel – we kind of know where this is going.
I WANTED you to be my daughter, you bitch! We’re just alike, you know!
Seriously, this is by far, the best Asylum flick I’ve seen. Dee Wallace is KILLER with her witchy psychotic granny portrayal (and you know, that’s really what makes this movie cause the other actors I could take or leave). There’s one scene where Hansel starts to eat himself because he is so delicious (insert raunchy jokes here) that was super fun and not as fake as the usual Asylum stuff is and another girl getting sliced and diced with this crazy wires also works out really well. Of course we have our moments where Ruby is dead but moving, the cops are at the top of the idiot food chain and it’s ridiculous to think Lilith who has been doing this for years now just woke up and thought to herself, “Welll, gosh darnit, I’m gonna have me those twins even if I have to take the whole town down to do it.” Seriously, WTF, Lilith? *sighs*
If you love The Asylum, you definitely have to check this one out!
House of Fears
*Before we start, if you haven’t yet checked out Guerrilla Graffiti, you definitely should! There is so much awesome happening there it’s almost overwhelming. 
Two examples: FALLEN (by me!) and “It’s a ‘Listen to the Beatles on Vinyl in Headphones’ Kind of Night”.*
I’m 95% certain the only reason I added House of Fears 
There’s nothing new when it comes to House of Fears – it’s the typical “teens sneak into an abandoned fun house for teenage sexy shenanigans when an ancient evil awakens and preys upon them” sort of gag but where others have been able to make this plot into something ridiculously hilarious, House of Fears manages to do a not half bad job of making a decent movie. As by the numbers as it may be, the actors don’t totally suck, the script tried it’s best to add layers and the evil clown when it did finally show up was effing terrifying. I also rather enjoyed the use of scarecrows happening here. Not enough evil scarecrows in the world – I can only think of like 4 other movies of the top of my head.
We’re pretty so of course we’re going to die!
What we’ve got here are: the adorable couple that can’t keep their hands off of each other, two stepsisters who aren’t fond of each other and the dude the stepsisters are fighting over (okay, really it’s actually less melodramatic than that – one girl doesn’t like her stepsister, the other sister is kind of ambivalent about the whole thing and it’s the dude that’s trying to get them to fight over him). Still we’ve got our stereotypes (and there’s a prankster around, he’s just not in this photo). We’ve got a funhouse of fears that has a handful of classic phobias and a monkey statue! I almost forgot about that monkey statue – that’s the big KEY TO IT ALL in this. AND there’s power tools! Kind of a smorgasbord really.
And of course there’s this guy.
So what I’m really trying to say here, while using a lot of words to say nothing at all, is mostly that I’m sleepy but other than that I’m saying I wouldn’t recommend you go out of your way to hunt this one down but if you happen to come across it one rainy day, it’s not a bad way to pass the time.
Devil’s Rock
Has anyone else seen this?? You’ve all probably already reviewed The Devil’s Rock
According to Netflix, this was a horror flick (and I mean, c’mon look at that cover!) but I wouldn’t categorize it as horror at all. I’m of the opinion that just because there’s a demon in a movie, that doesn’t make it horror but maybe that’s just me. I think I’d call this one more a “war drama with supernatural elements”. Oh, and don’t let that cover fool you into thinking this is some wicked cool Nazi exploitation type film either because I kinda thought there would be an Isla, She Wolf of the SS vibe happening but that’s nowhere to be found. All that aside, I dug this. Not the kind of dig that would make me watch it again but the kind that makes me go “Oh yay, I’m glad I didn’t turn that off after the first 20 minutes like I seriously considered!”.
Meet Helena.
Our story starts on the eve of D-Day when two New Zealand soldiers arrive on Forau Island. After navigating a beach planted with mines and tank traps, they are distracted by the sound of screams and gunfire. They approach a German fortification to increasing sounds of distress. Also this whole navigation takes TWENTY MINUTES. Just wanna throw that out there. I don’t mind a slow burn at all but this is the point where I almost stopped watching. There wasn’t a lot of character building going on in this time really, very minute as there was almost no dialogue, and not being a fan of war movies this had me concerned I’d opened up the wrong movie on Netflix. But let’s continue shall we?
Soldiers kill a Nazi and head into the fortress only to find a whole bunch of other Nazis dead in varying degrees of gore not to mention a little book of black magic. One soldier dies while the other is captured by the only Nazi left alive in the building and, after he is tortured for a bit, our soldier discovers that the Nazis called forth a demon, a shapeshifter, to use against the Allies. DAMN.
Say hello to…oh wait…still Helena!
Now our Nazi is pleading with our soldier to help him banish the demon before it’s too late and our soldier is being tempted by the demon who has taken the form of his dead wife, Helena. What’s a soldier to do?? I say watch The Devil’s Rock
Although not what I was expecting going in, this is a nice drama with sufficient gore and not a bad build up of tension. I was surprised at the lack of cheese factor (there was only one instance where I giggled inappropriately) and surprised (in the good way) by just how much I enjoyed this. Rainy day or looking for something other than a supernatural haunted house movie? Give this one a go.
Editor’s Note: Please excuse any spelling/grammar/mistakes of any kind as I’m functioning on 4 hours of sleep.
The Devil’s Carnival
If you hated Repo! The Genetic Opera
The premise is three people die and they all wind up in Hell. From there we get three of Aesop’s Fables (another reason I loved this – fairy tales and mythology may be my big two things but I’m also a fan of Aesop!): The Scorpion and the Frog, Grief and His Due and The Dog and Its Reflection. Add to that the carnival setting, the quirky and sometimes frightening characters plus the stage and theatre setting and this girl was in love at first glance.
What’s NOT to love about this guy and his plastic hair??
And here’s the whole carnival crew!
There’s a lot of the same actors in this that were also in Repo – Alex Vega, Paul Sorvino, Bill Moseley, Nivek Ogre. I didn’t even notice Vega was here until I saw her name in the credits, then I had to google to find out which character she was. This also only clocks in at 55 minutes so it’s kind of something light and airy to have on while you’re doing other stuff…and by light and airy, I mean kind of morbid and grotesque…eh, we all have our own definitions for stuff. 
No nudity or sex to be found here (well, there’s a naked woman who is whipped during one of the songs but they don’t really show anything other than her back), just good clean devilish fun, so enjoy!
Lord of Tears
As some of you are aware, there’s a new film that’s hitting this year – very indie and looking pretty wicked cool – called Lord of Tears. They’ve just released their latest trailer and announced the beginning of pre-orders so I thought I’d give them shout out here (y’all know how I love my indie horror! Damn the man, save the Empire!!).
Lord of Tears is a startling, psychological, supernatural thriller set against the ominous backdrop of a cursed highland estate. The film features the voice of David Schofield (Gladiator, Pirates of the Caribbean) Lexy Hulme and Euan Douglas.
Lord of Tears tells the story of James Findlay, a school teacher plagued by recurring nightmares of a mysterious and unsettling entity. Suspecting that his visions are linked to a dark incident in his past, James returns to his childhood home, a notorious mansion in the Scottish Highlands, where he uncovers the disturbing truth behind his dreams, and must fight to survive the brutal consequences of his curiosity…
I also had a quick chat with director Lawrie Brewster and he had this to say about Lord of Tears:
Lord of Tears is a British Chiller in the classic tradition of films such as The Wickerman, The Innocents and The Haunting. Our story concerns a man trapped in a crumbling mansion, stalked by Owl Headed monster in the misty highlands of Scotland, on a mission to piece together a childhood broken apart by repressed memory and dark secrets. It takes inspiration from classic mythology, ancient history and mordern legends such as those of – Slender Man!
The script is written by Sarah Daly (the music artist Metaphorest, and cousin of Kate Bush), stars David Schofield (of Pirates of the Caribbean, Gladiator) and is directed by myself whose (past collaborations with Sarah Daly) has included works with Joseph Gordon Levitt and Channing Tatum, that have featured at Sundance and SXSW.
*Yep, he totally had me at Joseph Gordon Levitt. *sighs* JGL is so brilliant. And cute. And gives off this aura of nice…and well, that’s enough of the JGL love. Sorry, back on track. *
Anyway, give the trailer a looksie and if you feel so inclined check out the Lord of Tears Kickstarter page. Also available for your viewing pleasure? The Lord of Tears Tumblr page, the Lord of Tears Facebook page, and their IMDB page (as someone who works in online marketing and social media, the fact that these guys have ALL the bases covered here gives me a major happy!!). And check out some cool stills below!
Lexy Hulme
Lexy Hulme and Euan Douglas
Antagonist OwlMan
David Schofield
Lawrie Brewster Directs
Jamie Jack Gordon
Euan Douglas
The Puppet Monster Massacre
Major props to Mike over at Badasses, Boobs and Body Counts for doing a review of this gem and turning me on to it. (And if you click that link, it’ll take you to his review!) I am in love. There are a lot of things I love in this world: rainbows, kittens, blowing bubbles, unicorns, NYC, books…I love it all really. But this movie?? This movie was obviously made with me specifically in mind because it had all my favoritest movie things in one giant spectacular extravaganza.
Puppets? Check.
Cute little furry animals? Check.
Mad scientist with a penguin sidekick? Check.
Puppet sex? Check.
Nazis? Check.
Douchebag guy with a fake English accent? Check.
A girl not afraid to tell her boyfriend/non-boyfriend that he’s a pussy? Check.
Blood and guts? Check.
Foul mouthed grandpa? Check.
This adorable little fella? Check.
I really don’t even know where to start with this. Do you need a plot summary with a title like that? I sure as hell didn’t. But if you are interested, Charlie is the pussy that lives with his foul mouthed Gramps and is in love with Gwen. They both get mysterious letters inviting them to come spend the night at some house on a hill where if they survive the night they’ll get a million dollars (sound familiar?). So who exactly invited them there? Oh, just mad scientist out for revenge, Wolfgang Wagner with his penguin sidekick and his new pet monster. Then we’ve got Raimi Campbell (hahahhaaaa!! Love it!), the lispy nerd who is trying to get laid; Iggy, the punk ass fake English douche who apparently can’t fuck for more than a minute and a half and Mona, who likes to show her boobs.
If I post puppet boobs, will I get more hits on my site?
The cinematography was kind of effing fantastic for a puppet movie, the script was deliciously quotable (“Why do you smell like carrots?” …..”I am going to head butt the shit out of you!”) and Raimi was hilarious. Sure it’s nothing that’s never been done before but it throws together so many elements and nods to cinema history and all in puppet form that it totally rocked my socks. There’s stop animation (at least I’m pretty sure that’s what I saw) that reminded me of Svankmajer, obvious nods to horror movies of past (Evil Dead and House on Haunted Hill for two), there’s a cartoon portion, there’s patriotic symbolism and did I mention the puppets having sex? And the penguin?
If I haven’t convinced you by now, I’m sure nothing will but check out the trailer below.
V/H/S
Omg, I finally had time to watch a movie!!! I know, I know, I am way behind the bandwagon on V/H/S
Anyway, my initial thoughts on this were I really dug it but I definitely didn’t dig it all. I’ll try to keep this mostly spoiler free on the off chance someone else actually hasn’t seen it. We all know it’s an anthology so it’s 4 or 5 different segments. Basic premise is a bunch of douchey guys who go around grabbing girls’ boobs and filming it for some sleazy pornorific site decide to do the ultimate bad and break into a house to steal a VHS tape (not sure why THAT is the ultimate bad but the ringleader seems convinced it’ll be the biggest and best thing they’ll ever do…weirdo….). So off they go and off they break in and lo and behold, there’s a dead dude just hanging out in a chair with a bunch of tv’s playing static. Kinda creepy, no? Now, not one of these douchebags has a freaking clue what tape they’re looking for (most poorly planned heist EVER) so they just start going around and watching any tape they can get there hands on. Ergo, vignettes.
I really, really like you.
First up, we have this chica who really just wants to be loved and is seriously misunderstood. This was probably my favorite of the bunch. Scumbags getting there comeuppance? Totes there!
Love you, babe, really.
Then we’ve got this gal along with what must be the most boring couple of all time. Seriously was bored through out this one. The twist was not twisty enough and there wasn’t enough build up to the twist and it was just blah.
Paranormal Activity 4?
Kay, I might be getting these next few a little out of order. This one was middling. Loved the use of video chatting for the whole thing but they didn’t tell enough of the story for me to really care. Dude’s a creep but I’m not entirely sure if this was an alien thing or if he’s just really into the black market.
One learns from V/H/S to never try to save a pretty girl.
Now this one was awesome. Short, sweet, simple and straight to the point. You never know what you’re messing around with kiddies so be very very careful. Just because a bunch of dudes are trying to cut a girl up in some sort of crazy ritual, doesn’t mean they don’t have a good reason.
Dead Man Floating
Now this one I didn’t love but I did really dig the camera work they had going on. This one involves a girl who likes to tell people they’re going to die and some sort of entity that can only be seen via video and the entity and the way they shot it totally creeped me out. Major props for that.
Random thoughts:
- Pretty well done but definitely hot and cold overall. A good time all around but it’s no Trick’r'Treat.
- There’s one scene where the dead dude in the chair is gone and NOBODY seems to notice. WTF? I think I’d notice if dead dudes were suddenly prowling the house because that is totes not cool, y’all.
- There was a lot of cool camera direction here (and of course a lot of the annoying shaky cam) but it definitely was food for thought and gave me some new ways to look at how I want to film things in the future.
If you haven’t seen it already, definitely give it a go. There’s lots of creepy and a little bit of gore and you’ll be rooting for a whole bunch of people to die!
Guest Post – The Reef
If there is one thing we do here in Australia, its animals that could straight up fucking kill
you. 15 out of the 10 deadliest snakes in the world are Australian and we’ve got two species
of killer spiders. Throw in killer crocs, octopus, jellyfish and even shells amongst others, and
coming here can be a little intimidating. Hell we even have giant birds and kangaroos that can
kick you to death.
But to be really honest, these animals are generally totally off the beaten track. With the
exception of kangaroos (which I see basically every day on my drive to work and I live in
Australia’s capital city) most people would be (un)lucky to see any of the above animals once
or twice in a lifetime. So day to day, there is little to fear about these things.
Something tells me these people will be (un)lucky…
However, the most notable exception is frickin sharks. As a generalisation, Aussies love the
beach. And that is a shark’s domain, there is no outrunning a shark in the water. Shark attacks
are relatively common and I would say there are 3-5 fatal attacks a year here. Not to mention
quite a few more finger and leg chompings. Little reason then that sharks are the animals
most feared by Australians.
Also little reason then that The Reef scared the living shit out of me. A tale of 4 friends
who find themselves alone way out to sea after the yacht they are on sinks. Alone that is,
besides all the bloody sharks (or at least one really pesky one). This is not your over the top,
Sharkasaurus type film. This is raw, real and visceral. The masterstroke of the film is that
it utilises almost exclusively real shark footage and then edits it seamlessly into the action.
Thinking about it a little more, the editing of the film really is spectacularly good. Editing
is one of those facets of film that whilst I realise its importance, I don’t generally notice or
comment on that much. Here though, it really makes the film.
There’s a reason I stay out of the ocean.
The film looks pretty incredible, with plenty of really crisp looking ocean shots. All of these
perfectly convey the utter vastness of the ocean, just how frightening and isolating a place it
can be. And whilst aspects of the set-up are a little pulpy with an almost TV feel to them, the
action picks up in a second half that is really quite harrowing. It is almost as if you are living
the entire ordeal with these people. I’ve seen the film twice now and both times I was pretty
effected by it and it gave me pause for thought the next time I dipped a toe in the water of one
of our pristine beaches.
I highly recommend this film. This is legit thriller territory, not B movie madness (if you’re
more keen on the latter, check out the 2012 Aussie flick Bait 3D). The story is simple, yet
brutal. And it finishes off with a really well crafted, not to mention pretty brutal, conclusion.
Take a look if you can get your hands on it.
(Editor’s Note: Just the trailer gives me the heebie-jeebies to the point I don’t think I’d make it through this!)
Thanks again to Tim of Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie for the excellent guest review. Be sure to check out his site because he constantly has sweet things going on!
The First Five – Monster Brawl
Okay, gotta be honest – I really watched the first 40 minutes of this not just five. BUT I honestly didn’t realize I was still watching it till my friend, The Brad, called and I was like, “Why can’t I hear what you’re saying?? Oh…this stupid thing is still on??” So that totally counts for a First Five. Right?
Yeah…so…I’d like to start by saying that a movie that involves monsters and wrestling should be AMAZING. FUCKING AMAZING. It’s like having a movie that involves hot girls and jello wrestling – how do you go wrong???? You can’t. You just can’t go wrong with that. And yet…*sighs*. WHAT THE FUCK, Monster Brawl
Speaking of Foley’s…
Speaking of Foley’s though, Dave Foley is in this movie and from what I saw he spends the entire time with a look upon his face that clearly indicates he has no CLUE how he got in this film. None at all. Also his “character” is continuously drinking from a flask…yeah, “character”…*cough cough, wink wink*
The oh so amazing “Cyclops” makeup…
Oh and let’s talk about this guy for a minute, shall we? Someone be a dear and tell me when exactly Cyclops (Cyclopses…Cyclopi…what’s the plural??) developed laser beam eyeballs that can melt the faces off people. Because that happened. TOTES.
Why, yes, that IS her name – “Lady Vampire”. There’s also another woman called “Witch Bitch”. Don’t even get me started on this bullshit.
The most boring monster fights you’ll ever see…
So to sum up – FUCK YOU, Monster Brawl. You go hide somewhere and hang your head in shame.
P.S. Next Classic Movie will be The Usual Suspects!
Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader
Yeah…so…this is one of those times when I really start to rethink my masochistic nature….any psychologists out there wanna weigh in on why I put myself through shit like this? *sighs*
So yeah, this apparently involved Roger Corman (I know, I know…) and for some reason Treat Williams was here (really Treat??) and well…
She calls everybody a “dumb skank”…
Big girl in a tiny gym…
Sadistic sorority girls…
Oh yeah…this…
Oh hi, Treat – how’s it hangin’?
Soon enough, they’ll both be topless…
So…is it bad that I want to punch everyone involved in this travesty in the face? Normally I enjoy this sort of thing…but no…just no…
*I’m slowly working my way through blog reading – I’m filming the next couple of weeks which is keeping me busy. Also if I owe you a review and haven’t delivered yet, please send me an email and yell at me. I’m slowly making my way through those too.*
