Category Archives: Exploitation

Anatomy of a Psycho

Anatomy of a Psycho

So I found this cool app on my Kindle where you could download like 99 classic horror films for $.99.  Of course I wasn’t going to pass that up especially since I am severely lacking in the classic horror department of my education – it’s pretty limited to things like Cabinet of Dr. Caligari and Haxan.  I decided to watch them in the order they appear in the app and this was right after Bucket of Blood (which I’ve already seen and own) so Anatomy Of A Psycho it was.

Anatomy of a Psycho 2

Meet Chet.  Chet here is apparently a teenager…ahem…whose brother has just been executed because he was accused of killing someone.  Chet thinks his brother was innocent and is extremely upset about his bro’s execution while everybody else, including Chet’s sister believes the other brother was guilty and got what he deserved.  Anyways, Chet gets increasingly delusional and paranoid (or something…really he just starts ranting a lot and getting into fights) until he finally attacks the son of the only witness to his brother’s crime – a boy who happens to be dating his sister.  Dum dum DUM!!!!  Oh and someone dies.  Just fyi.

I don’t watch a lot of classic movies (remember how I was going to try to watch all sorts of classic movies in 2013 and it never happened??) so I dunno how I feel about this movie.  Mostly I was confused that everyone was talking about going to school, a school with lockers, when they all looked to be in their 20s – did they not actually use teenagers in movies back in the 60s?  Then I was annoyed by the sister because dear lord, all she did was swoon onto couches in hysterics.  Seriously, woman, pull yourself together!  Oy.  And thirdly, I was confused about why this was a horror movie.  I’d classify it more as a psychological thriller – a bit of a boring one but still.  I also saw elsewhere that it was classified as exploitation…not sure how that one works either.  Melodrama, definitely.  Horror – not even.

But overall, it was okay.  Yes, it was melodramatic at times and silly but it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen.  It was fun to watch something I’m not used to, at any rate and I’m excited to check out the other 97 or so films.

The Disco Exorcist

DiscoExorcistKay, do y’all remember that special channel on my Roku called Midnight Pulp where I found Antfarm Dickhole?  For the newbies:  1) Yes, that’s an actual movie 2)Yes, I watched it 3) NO, I did not finish it 4) but a couple of other brave souls did and you should really check out all the reviews.  My goodness gracious me…anyway I found The Disco Exorcist on the same channel and well…just look at it guys, look at it!!  How on earth could I pass this up?  Of course, I couldn’t.  So here’s the lowdown:

Rex Romanski is a 1970s disco swinger who loves and leaves the wrong woman – the wicked black magic priestess Rita Maria. And now it’s up to Rex to undo the scorned Rita’s rampage of revenge, murder and destruction before she claims more lives, and possesses the soul of the woman he loves. A sexy, irreverent horror comedy – Get Down… and Get Dead!

DiscoExorcist3

This is Rex. And yes, I would’ve totally been one of those 800 million girls to sleep with him. It’s the long hair, dammit, it’s my kryptonite!

Anyway, Rexie is like the ladies man – I mean, the film starts with him doing two chicks (wearing blue and pink wigs which I HIGHLY approved of) and videotaping it all while snorting coke off one of the girls’ asses.  Obviously this man is THE man.  After all that having of THE SEX, Rexie is off to the disco club to dance the night away.  He meets the most awesome, amazing, totes diesel babe (is that 70s lingo or am I in the 80s now?) and they dance all night, then go back to his place for some more of THE SEX.

This bitch be cray-cray.

This bitch be cray-cray.

The next morning he’s off for brunch with his friend (which means he’s going to a theatre to watch porn with his friend) and so he and amazeballs chick decide to meet up that night for more disco lovin’.  And they do and all is well until the most awesome, amazing, totes diesel babe walks into the club and Rexie is in love (wait…I’m seeing some very strong similarities to Romeo & Juliet here…) Anywho, Babe #1 is pissed and seeing as how she’s a witch or a voodoo priest (are those different??), she pulls out a chunk of Babe #2’s hair and curses her.  Then she goes all psycho, screaming and crying and leaves the club.  It’s like my every Friday night in college.

Then…um….oh yeah, for some reason everybody becomes porn stars – not sure why but whatevs, do your thing.  So there’s lots of sex on roller skates and then Babe #2 gets all black-eyed psycho with two other porn stars and wakes up like this:

Luckily, my Friday's in college DID NOT end up like this.

Luckily, my Friday’s in college DID NOT end up like this.

And then there’s a whole bunch of her being possessed, then not being possessed and there’s sex and more sex and then there’s the killing and then it turns out Rexie’s brother isn’t actually a priest but the guy that runs the club IS and he’s performed an exorcism before!  Holy Mary Mother of God, y’all!  And then there’s a whole bunch of exorcist stuff (well, okay seriously for having the word “exorcist” in the title, this has very little exorcisms) and there’s a relatively happy ending.  Hehehehe…happy ending…

So basically, I saw more penises and sex before 11 AM then you guys did and got to see some blood and zombie possessed porn stars just for extra measure.  Go me.

Bikini Bandits Experience (NSFW – SO NSFW, NSF Anything Really)

BikiniBandits1

Okay, guys – here we go!  I have NO idea how I’ve never come across Bikini Bandits Experience before or even this group because there are MORE MOVIES.  I also have no idea how to describe this exactly.  Whilst watching, I kept pondering how to go about describing the experience…so I think I’m going to try things this way.

There's this...

There’s this…

There's a couple of visits to Amish country...

There’s a couple of visits to Amish country…

Corey Feldman, y'all, Corey Feldman...

Corey Feldman, y’all, Corey Feldman…

BikiniBandits5

We got Satan, folks!

OH!  OH!!  Almost forgot this guy!

OH! OH!! Almost forgot this guy!

And can't forget these two because yeah, this happened.

And can’t forget these two because yeah, this happened.

So what else?  Well, here’s a handy list:

  • Dwarf
  • Penis Laser
  • Amish Porn
  • Devirginizing the Virgin Mary
  • Corey Feldman dancing
  • Spanking
  • Bondage Gear

The only thing this movie is lacking is Japanese schoolgirls, no lie.

So yeah, you’re welcome.  ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Antfarm Dickhole

Antfarm Dickhole.  Okay, so yeah.  I don’t even…where to start?  I don’t…Okay, so this is actually going to be broken up into like 3 segments because um, I’ve only watched the first fifteen minutes and um, yeah…there’s a lot of thoughts happening here and I’m pretty sure I’m entirely too sober to be watching this but it’s only 1 o’clock so you know, I don’t really feel like going out and getting wasted right now and I’m pretty sure a substance other than alcohol or weed is needed for this film, I’m just not entirely sure what that substance is…so yeah…just going to throw out my thoughts on the first fifteen minutes for now because there are a lot of those and then I’m going to go do something like read my Bible or I don’t know what…but I will be finishing this because I am so intrigued and confused and this is either brilliant or terrible and I have no idea.  I clearly don’t have the comprehension skills required for this film.  So yeah…

He’s got ants in his pants!

Okay, here we go. Let’s do this thing…

  • Ants freak me out.  Seriously freak me out. I used to have weird crazy dreams where they’d be swarming over my bed and wake up and could still feel the bed moving.
  • Someone doesn’t quite know his lines here! Or maybe they’re just making up lines?
  • How did they go from discussing how crappy life is to the joys of jerking off?  And why are they talking about this in the woods?  Are they stoned?
  • Now we’re talking about bullies…I’m having trouble following this conversation…
  • “Didn’t you study a martial art when you were a kid?”  Of course.  Because EVERYBODY does.  Duh.
  • What?  Who is this guy that looks like a biker?  Why is he giving the other guy a wedgie?  They’re like 30 not 12!
  • Least intimidating bully EVER.
  • Who carries a cupcake in their pocket?
  • WTF???  “There’s no way we can enjoy the sanctuary of the woods after that happened to my cupcake.”  WTF???  That might be my favoritest line EVER!!!!
  • We’re only in minute 4, dear lord.
  • Why is the white biker bully suddenly talking like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid?
  • Ew, ginormous ant crawling up his pants leg.  Fake ginormous ant but still.
  • Dude, he stepped on your cupcake not kicked your ass.  Stop limping.
  • “I think he stole my car too.  They don’t just go repark themselves you know.  They shouldn’t even call this a park…they should call it a stolen.”  I LOVE THIS GUY!!
  • Minute 5 and finally there’s nudity.  Took you long enough movie.
  • Why is he getting a stripper dance in his home?  Why is there a cat in the background?  That’s highly distracting from the full frontal nudity going on.  Or maybe it’s subtext.  *giggles*
  • Nice tat, naked lady!
  • This girl is way too hot for this guy  Also she gives weird blow jobs.  And she just pulled a fake ant out of her mouth when it was done.  And now she’s writhing on the floor with fake ants covering her and the kitten is writhing next to her and oh her clit is pierced.  And now the guy is jumping on her and suddenly she’s all bloody and he’s stomping on her and trying to call someone and he just stepped on his phone and wait, is she masturbating, and he just passed out and there’s no dialogue and she’s like running her hands over her body and omg, I think the kitty is dead!!
  • WHAT??  The chick is now a skeleton and her boyfriend is philosophizing on Montezuma’s revenge.  WTF??  “I better call the police.” He says all nonchalantly then throws down the phone and says, “No, I’ll do this the old fashioned way and walk to the police department.”  And we’re only in minute 9!!!
  • Ah, walking down the yellow brick road.  Excellent.  What’s up with the sketch bikery guys?  And what’s with the wedgies??  Seriously do guys just go around giving strangers wedgies their whole lives??
  • Why is this guy like doing weird dance moves around our “hero” now?  And why are they using the word “peepee” for penis?  I am so confused by this movie.  But hey they finally said the catchphrase “ants in your pants”!!
  • Why, why is he swatting at this guy and yelling at him to do something about the ants in his pants??  Wait are the ants attacking him now? Is that why?
  • WTF is a girl in a bikini doing reporting in the woods?  Why, movie, why?
  • Dick Street
  • I can’t even follow these two guys conversation.  It’s all over the place.  And cupcake guy is a grammar nazi.  And now they’re talking about racism and border control.  I really think I need to be stoned to get this.  Omg, what?  What the hell?
  • This guy is totally obsessed with his premature ejaculation while masturbating.  That’s fine to bring up all the time but you still use “peepee” when referring to your cock?  *face palm*

Um, so yeah…that’s as far as I’ve gotten at the moment and I think you can see why I’m having to break this into segments because dear gods, there is just soooo much I have to say that if I don’t this will be the longest Cinema Schminema posting EVER.  I can’t decide if I love this or hate it.  And the director’s name is Bill Zebub.  Get it?  *giggles*

 

The Sinful Dwarf

Today’s post makes me very, very sad.  :(  I’m talking I kinda wanna jump out a window like the dwarf at the end of this movie sad.  :(  I don’t know what I did to deserve having to watch this thing but I clearly went very wrong somewhere in life.  :( I’ve also done something different here today, a kind of stream of conciousness thing wherein I’ve written my thoughts through out the movie.

But first, the plot:  A lady and her dwarf son (I’ll be using the term “dwarf” through out this because it’s used in the film btw) kidnap women, shoot them up with heroin and then rent out their bodies for sex.

This pretty much sums up the “plot”…

I don’t have minute marks or anything so this really is just what’s in my head through the film….

1 second in and I already hate this movie.

Why is that 30 year old woman pretending to be ten and playing hopscotch?

Seriously who but an actual 10 year old is charmed by an animatronic puppy??  Is this dwarf actually kidnapping children but the producers didn’t want to use children because it of the whole child porn thing?

A monkey playing drums is not helping this movie at all. 

Why are there dancing toys everywhere?  I feel like I should be on mind altering substances right now to actually make it through this…

Puppet humping the floor…*sighs*

Is the whole movie just going to be random scene bits with no ties?  Murder of teddy bears to screaming lady to couple outside a lodging house?  WTF?

Is that dwarf faking the accent or is that real?  And why is he frolicking on the bed? This is so disturbing.

Girl:  “I’m so tired, I don’t care, I’ll stay anywhere.”  Girl after meeting dwarf:  “I don’t want to stay here.” Said in tears.

Why was there a shot of the screaming girl again?  And why does no one freaking hear her scream?

Mom says no fooling around with them – isn’t that why those girls are there??

This is one sinful dwarf for sure.  Totes sketch.

If I have to watch this dwarf masturbate at any point in this movie, I will be pissed.

Oh for pete’s sake, I get it she has a really nice ass, that’s enough close ups of it!

E, you could’ve warned me of the porno factor…this sex scene has been going on for approximately 5 hours now…and I’m fairly certain they are actually doing THE SEX, as you say, instead of the acting.

Why is there a random woman writhing on the bed?  What the hell Sinful Dwarf??  What the hell?  I hate you so much.

Oh, that’s a great idea, Braless Girl Who’s Terrified of This House, go wandering around the dark hallways that look like a million people were murdered there. 

Girl writhing on bed again yelling for the dwarf…this dwarf takes way to much time to do things.  Slowest dwarf ever.

Different girl writhing on bed…no wait, several girls writhing on dirty mattresses…what is that dwarf injecting her with? 

Wow that one girl needs to eat something.

Why is the dwarf all…Danish or whatever and the mom has no accent?  Is he adopted?  Why do I care?  Why are those old ladies so happy over Beefeater?  How much longer is this movie??

OH.  They’re not sleeping with the girls, they’re selling the girl’s bodies to other people! 

Wait, now these old ladies have accents they didn’t a minute ago…

What kind of liquor is Beefeater?  I assume it’s like moonshine?

Oh please, no, no, no.  Please don’t let the drunk old women dance…please….

Oh this is just disturbing.  He’s making toys have THE SEX.  Dear lord…

And it just got worse.  The drunk old lady is not just wearing fruit on her head and dancing, but singing.  Why??  I want to cry…

Oh yay, more sex and writhing girl on bed but now it goes along with the song.  I am so sad.

So many asses.

I can think of so many other things I would rather be doing at this moment: creating a budget, giving the dog a flea bath, cleaning the house top to bottom, babysitting 20 five year olds…the list goes on and on…

How long have these women been drinking??  I think they’re on day 5.

She’s already stated a million times that she’s afraid of the room so why does she keep returning?  Get a freaking job already, Braless girl!

And speaking of braless, I just saw dwarf mom’s sideboob because she is wearing an entirely inappropriate shirt for a 50 year old.

Wow, not sure I’ve ever seen someone have a nervous breakdown over seeing a mouse.

Why is this man named Santa Claus?  This movie is disturbing on so many levels.

Why is she singing again?  I almost feel sorry for these drunk old ladies.  They’re like the anti “Absolutely Fabulous”.

Did S&M just enter into this?  It did!  ‘The movie just got interesting.  FINALLY.

Ah, heroin.  That’s what in that syringe.

This young couple is the most boring young couple of all time.  The only conversation they have is “Oh, don’t give up writing!” “But we need money!”

Since when does the man part of the young couple work in Santa Claus’s workshop??

Since when does this chick smoke??  Why does nothing make sense here??

I hate these old women.  She’s pulling out another costume to sing and dance in. 

Why does Braless Girl get to keep her bra when they kidnap her? And since when does she wear a bra in the first place?  Oh wait, two minutes later and she’s suddenly completely naked.  *sighs*

Dude, lady, it’s no use pleading to a guy who’s paying to rape you for help. 

Oh good, this time THE SEX has actual porno music to go along with all that thrustiness instead of drunk old women singing showtunes.

Oh no.  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  I think I’m about to see dwarf sex.  No.  Please.  IPC, why do you hate me??

Okay, okay, this is not good.  :(  He is raping her with a cane and I am not pleased with this turn of events at all.  :(  This movie better be over soon.

I think the end is nigh.  Please, please, please.  I’m begging you universe let it be over soon.  The cops are at the boarding house.   Oh please.

Oh hubby and cop just broke into the attic where the girls are all chained up and drugged.  Thank goodness. 

Seriously, cop?  You just hand a gun to the pissed off hubby?  I don’t see this ending well. 

Yep.  That didn’t end well at all.  And really evil mom?  Asking your sex slave ring to help you after you’ve been shot?  Stupidity.

I hate this dwarf and his cane.  I hope he falls out of this window. 

And he did.  Well, that was more a jump but still.  Works for me. 

Why are there toys hanging out in the alley???  Stupid movie.

I need to go take another shower.

So yeah, there you have it.  I am so not posting links or trailers or anything else because I do NOT want to be responsible for anyone else having to watch this ever.  Stupid dwarf.

Switchblade Sisters

Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood! is a tough act to follow but here goes…..it’s time, boys and girls, for the oh so classic Switchblade Sisters!  It’s hard to decide my favorite thing about this movie.  Is it the fact that a member of a girl gang goes by the name Donut and her only discernible skill is cake decorating?  Or that fact that this girl gang is run by a 12 year old?  Maybe it’s the pure awesomeness of the 1970s having been a post-apocalyptic era (why wasn’t this mentioned in history class?)?  All I know is that I immediately fell in love with Switchblade Sisters.

 

The baddest 12 year old bad ass you’ll ever find

I’m a fan of girl gang cinema and while they’re mostly fun to watch, this movie is downright hilarious in a straight up must be mocked way.  See, there’s this gang called “The Dagger Debs” (a fearful moniker if ever I did hear one!).  They’re the bad ass sister (wife?) group to “The Silver Daggers” and they fight just as rough of their boys.  So one day a new girl named Maggie arrives in town.  Of course by the end of day one, she’s been arrested along with the Dagger Debs and thrown in juvie where a lecherous female warden tries to make it with her.  Cause that’s how it ALWAYS plays, boys and girls, always.  Anyway, Maggie earns the trust of Lace, the leader of the DD’s and since she gets out before Lace, she’s entrusted with some super important girl gang errands, including taking a note to Lace’s boyfriend who promptly rapes her.

There’s also a one eyed girl named Patch (cause there’s always a one eyed girl) who’s jealous of Lace’s new friend, Maggie.  Uh-oh……Lace eventually gets out of juvie and tells rapist boyfriend that she’s pregnant and he’s all, “Dude, I’m not the dad.  That’s crazy talk, yo.”  Boyfriend’s got enough to worry about with the new deadly rival gang led by a guy named Crabs (hermit crabs?  STD crabs?).  Anyway, from there all hell breaks loose and people die and more people get raped and then there’s the addition of an African-American militant girl gang and then there’s a wicked awesome knife fight and the DD’s get a name change to “The Jezebels” (which I much prefer) and more people die and so on and so forth.

Interesting notes:

Girl gangs in the 70s had full access to automatic weapons and hand grenades.

Guy gangs had fronts for their activities and secretaries to handle their oh so busy nefarious schedules.

Chains are cool, y’all.

A jacket can be used as a weapon.

So sit back, relax and enjoy the hell out of Switchblade Sisters!

 

Hobo with a Shotgun

If you saw Tarantino and Rodriguez’s “Grindhouse” double feature, then you should have some knowledge of Hobo With a Shotgun, seeing as it was one of the featured “trailers” in the series.  After enjoying “Deathproof”, “Planet Terror” and “Machete” (based off another of the fake trailers), I had a fairly good idea of what I was in for with “Hobo”.  Yet, somehow it exceeded my expectations to create this beautifully mad Technicolor world that is deliciously fucked up.

It starts off with a scene that’s a cross between “Desperate Living” and “Caligula” (two movies which left me feeling a bit…..unclean after I saw them for the first time).  Imagine if you will, a town filled with degenerates, streets of trash and graffiti and a man named The Drake (who is absolutely NOT cool like Drake the rapper a.k.a Jimmy from Degrassi).  The Drake runs this town and he and his sons go around killing and mutilating just for the hell of it.  They supply the townspeople with drugs to take away the pain that they inflict and have their hand in the local prostitution ring (which apparently consists of every woman under the age of 30 who isn’t a mother).  Fear is The Drake’s main game and his hold on this town of deviants is firm.

Enter one hobo off a train who’s simply looking for a place to call home.  Dude picked the wrong town.  Once he realizes his mistake (after witnessing a murder staged as a street show, the breaking of a teenage boy’s arm, an attempted rape of a prostitute and a violent robbery attempt wherein a child is threatened), this hobo has had ENOUGH.  Armed with nothing but a shotgun and a prostitute named Abby, he goes to town (literally) wiping the scum of the earth off the streets and into hell.  The rest of the movie is a tit for tat, garish, in your face, vivid pink, neon blue, Asian movie gushes of blood, free for all revengesploitation of the most wicked kind.

Best part EVER?  When Abby suits up for war and the final touch of her outfit is slap bracelets.  Oh hello 80s fashion, how I’ve missed you.

A must for exploitation fans everywhere.

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