Category Archives: Experimental

The Smalls Family

This isn’t even a review – this is just me sharing something that I find hilarious and AMAZEBALLS.  ENJOY!!!!

THE SMALLS FAMILY is an experimental comedy based on the timeless lyrics of THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.
Biggie Smalls is considered by most to be one the great lyricists in the history of hip-hop music. His untimely death on March 9 , 1997 changed the face of hip-hop and left a legacy behind that has yet to be duplicated.
In the past, many great works of classic writers and poets have been reinterpreted over the years…most notably the works of Shakespeare.
In similar nature THE SMALLS FAMILY strives to pay homage to Biggie’s incomparable language….while refreshing it to a new audience.

 

The Devil’s Carnival

devilscarnival

If you hated Repo! The Genetic Opera, then you will hate The Devil’s Carnival.  Why?  Because they were both created by Darren Lynn Bousman.  I, however, LOVED Repo and also LOVED The Devil’s Carnival – in fact, I might’ve loved this one just a tad bit more (just don’t tell Anthony Head because he is wicked hot even if he is way older than me).  Part of it was the music here – I can’t think of a single song I disliked in this film and have had one on frequent play since I watched the first time (yes, I’ve seen it twice now!).  This one actually:

The premise is three people die and they all wind up in Hell.  From there we get three of Aesop’s Fables (another reason I loved this – fairy tales and mythology may be my big two things but I’m also a fan of Aesop!): The Scorpion and the Frog, Grief and His Due and The Dog and Its Reflection.  Add to that the carnival setting, the quirky and sometimes frightening characters plus the stage and theatre setting and this girl was in love at first glance.

What's NOT to love about this guy and his plastic hair??

What’s NOT to love about this guy and his plastic hair??

 

And here's the whole carnival crew!

And here’s the whole carnival crew!

There’s a lot of the same actors in this that were also in Repo – Alex Vega, Paul Sorvino, Bill Moseley, Nivek Ogre.  I didn’t even notice Vega was here until I saw her name in the credits, then I had to google to find out which character she was.  This also only clocks in at 55 minutes so it’s kind of something light and airy to have on while you’re doing other stuff…and by light and airy, I mean kind of morbid and grotesque…eh, we all have our own definitions for stuff.  ;)  No nudity or sex to be found here (well, there’s a naked woman who is whipped during one of the songs but they don’t really show anything other than her back), just good clean devilish fun, so enjoy!

 

Cinema Schminema’s Favorite Horror Movie Moments

Every year, round this time, t.v. stations start playing things like “100 Scariest Movie Moments!” and “100 Scary Movies You’ve Never Seen!” and so on and so forth (and did I just totally sound old there by saying “t.v. stations”? Can you still refer to them as such?) so I thought I’d do some things along similar lines here for Halloween Month.  Hopefully, you find it fun (and if not leave me a very nice comment asking me to never ever do this again, please). I wasn’t entirely sure what to entitle this since some of these may be scary, some may be stupid and some may be just WTF? so we’re just going to go with “favorite” horror movie moments.  This is also (obviously) not a full list just my current top five.  There may be more forthcoming.  Oh and….

*WARNING -  SPOILERS AHEAD*

So if you haven’t seen a particular movie and don’t want to know what happens in a certain part, get the heck outta here now! 

I.

My first favorite horror movie moment comes from my all-time favorite Korean horror flick EVER.  A Tale of Two Sisters is an ethereal, stunning vision based on an old Korean fairytale/folk tale full of WTF? that only Asian can bring.  It’s a quiet horror with much more going on psychologically than anything else (although there is the requisite “girl with hair in face shot”).  Every one that I have made watch this has liked it and been frightened and there’s several jumpy moments through out but my very favorite punch in the gut from this flick is when the viewer discovers that Su-yeon has been dead the ENTIRE time.  Even better, Su-yeon finds this out at the same time as us.

II.

To some this may not be a horror movie but to me it is.  There’s lots of reasons why but I won’t go into them here, mostly because I’m doing a guest post for Tyson over at Head in a Vice on Black Swan and that sort of thing will be throughout.  There’s a ton of favorite scenes for me in this one (and no I am NOT going with Mila and Natalie getting it on, even if it was totally hot) but my absolute favorite moment in this film is when Natalie is walking home one night from rehearsal and she passes herself.  Only it’s not herself, right?  One tiny insignificant moment but it explains so much about her character and sets us up for the visual trip that’s about to happen.

III.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching Suicide Club (Unrated) (English Subtitled), then I highly suggest you get on that right away.  This was the first Asian movie I ever saw and it blew me away, mostly because it was crazy and even though I’ve now seen it countless times, I’m still not entirely sure what happens here.  My favorite moment from this movie is actually at the beginning.  54 schoolgirls link hands and throw themselves in front of an oncoming subway train.  THAT is how this movie begins.  Everything about the moment chills me from their smiling faces to the blood splattered other passengers who witness the whole thing.  Perfectly executed in my opinion and from there it only gets more WTF?  In fact, you can watch the entire clip below:

IV.

Alice by Jan Svankmajer is another film that is purely subjective as to whether it’s horror or not but if you find skeleton puppets, homicidal rabbits, stop animation and lots of Freudian dismality terrifying then this absolutely counts.  The film is full of disturbing moments but for me the most disturbing moments here are when Alice becomes a doll (because dolls are CREEPY) and her time spent with the Mad Hatter.  This is one of my favorite movies of all time and Svankmajer is one of my favorite directors of all time.  You can actually watch the whole thing on Youtube for free!

V.

Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed while not nearly as wonderful as the original is still a treat as it furthers the lycanthrope lore.  The sequel finds B. constantly on the run, doping up on monkshood till she finds herself in rehab where she befriends a little girl named Ghost.  An EVIL little girl named Ghost.  That kid is twisted.  And frightening.  But the best moment here is at the end when we find out just how scary little Ghost can be when after trying to (claiming to) help B the whole time, she instead turns quietly psychotic and locks B up in wolf form to be her playmate forever and ever and ever.  The monster here isn’t B as a werewolf or even the abusive drug dealer in rehab, it’s something far more sinister.

Sometimes…

Sometimes when I’m not working my 7 jobs or watching movies and writing about them, I like to pretend I’m a model and dress up in silly clothes and makeup.  I did this about a month and a half ago or so for a friend.  The theme is “SheISCrazyBeautiful” and is about crazy women with a touch of deadly.  I know a couple of people were interested in pics so here’s a few (funny sidenote: the day of this shoot, I woke up and around 10 took some Aleve.  Only it wasn’t Aleve, it was Advil PM…hehehe…it was a long day).  See you guys again tomorrow with some more “Antfarm Dickhole”! (*All images are owned by and all credit goes to Amanda Diane Theresa Castro-Conroy*)

Let me in, pretty please? I promise not to hurt you. ;)

 

Scream queen

 

Padded walls and straitjackets

Possession

Baby dolls are pretty much ALWAYS creepy.

And this is just my favorite one. :)

 

 

 

 

 

Antfarm Dickhole

Antfarm Dickhole.  Okay, so yeah.  I don’t even…where to start?  I don’t…Okay, so this is actually going to be broken up into like 3 segments because um, I’ve only watched the first fifteen minutes and um, yeah…there’s a lot of thoughts happening here and I’m pretty sure I’m entirely too sober to be watching this but it’s only 1 o’clock so you know, I don’t really feel like going out and getting wasted right now and I’m pretty sure a substance other than alcohol or weed is needed for this film, I’m just not entirely sure what that substance is…so yeah…just going to throw out my thoughts on the first fifteen minutes for now because there are a lot of those and then I’m going to go do something like read my Bible or I don’t know what…but I will be finishing this because I am so intrigued and confused and this is either brilliant or terrible and I have no idea.  I clearly don’t have the comprehension skills required for this film.  So yeah…

He’s got ants in his pants!

Okay, here we go. Let’s do this thing…

  • Ants freak me out.  Seriously freak me out. I used to have weird crazy dreams where they’d be swarming over my bed and wake up and could still feel the bed moving.
  • Someone doesn’t quite know his lines here! Or maybe they’re just making up lines?
  • How did they go from discussing how crappy life is to the joys of jerking off?  And why are they talking about this in the woods?  Are they stoned?
  • Now we’re talking about bullies…I’m having trouble following this conversation…
  • “Didn’t you study a martial art when you were a kid?”  Of course.  Because EVERYBODY does.  Duh.
  • What?  Who is this guy that looks like a biker?  Why is he giving the other guy a wedgie?  They’re like 30 not 12!
  • Least intimidating bully EVER.
  • Who carries a cupcake in their pocket?
  • WTF???  “There’s no way we can enjoy the sanctuary of the woods after that happened to my cupcake.”  WTF???  That might be my favoritest line EVER!!!!
  • We’re only in minute 4, dear lord.
  • Why is the white biker bully suddenly talking like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid?
  • Ew, ginormous ant crawling up his pants leg.  Fake ginormous ant but still.
  • Dude, he stepped on your cupcake not kicked your ass.  Stop limping.
  • “I think he stole my car too.  They don’t just go repark themselves you know.  They shouldn’t even call this a park…they should call it a stolen.”  I LOVE THIS GUY!!
  • Minute 5 and finally there’s nudity.  Took you long enough movie.
  • Why is he getting a stripper dance in his home?  Why is there a cat in the background?  That’s highly distracting from the full frontal nudity going on.  Or maybe it’s subtext.  *giggles*
  • Nice tat, naked lady!
  • This girl is way too hot for this guy  Also she gives weird blow jobs.  And she just pulled a fake ant out of her mouth when it was done.  And now she’s writhing on the floor with fake ants covering her and the kitten is writhing next to her and oh her clit is pierced.  And now the guy is jumping on her and suddenly she’s all bloody and he’s stomping on her and trying to call someone and he just stepped on his phone and wait, is she masturbating, and he just passed out and there’s no dialogue and she’s like running her hands over her body and omg, I think the kitty is dead!!
  • WHAT??  The chick is now a skeleton and her boyfriend is philosophizing on Montezuma’s revenge.  WTF??  “I better call the police.” He says all nonchalantly then throws down the phone and says, “No, I’ll do this the old fashioned way and walk to the police department.”  And we’re only in minute 9!!!
  • Ah, walking down the yellow brick road.  Excellent.  What’s up with the sketch bikery guys?  And what’s with the wedgies??  Seriously do guys just go around giving strangers wedgies their whole lives??
  • Why is this guy like doing weird dance moves around our “hero” now?  And why are they using the word “peepee” for penis?  I am so confused by this movie.  But hey they finally said the catchphrase “ants in your pants”!!
  • Why, why is he swatting at this guy and yelling at him to do something about the ants in his pants??  Wait are the ants attacking him now? Is that why?
  • WTF is a girl in a bikini doing reporting in the woods?  Why, movie, why?
  • Dick Street
  • I can’t even follow these two guys conversation.  It’s all over the place.  And cupcake guy is a grammar nazi.  And now they’re talking about racism and border control.  I really think I need to be stoned to get this.  Omg, what?  What the hell?
  • This guy is totally obsessed with his premature ejaculation while masturbating.  That’s fine to bring up all the time but you still use “peepee” when referring to your cock?  *face palm*

Um, so yeah…that’s as far as I’ve gotten at the moment and I think you can see why I’m having to break this into segments because dear gods, there is just soooo much I have to say that if I don’t this will be the longest Cinema Schminema posting EVER.  I can’t decide if I love this or hate it.  And the director’s name is Bill Zebub.  Get it?  *giggles*

 

Malice in Wonderland

I’m not sure if this has been mentioned here before but I LOVE “Alice in Wonderland”.  I’ve read both books, I have the annotated “Alice” and I’ve seen more movie versions of this story than the average human.  Malice in Wonderland is not one of my favorites.  While not completely horrible and actually rather fun, this version is beaten out by a Czechoslovakian version featuring dead puppets.  Just sayin’.

Starring Maggie Grace (“Lost”), this version of Alice goes to a more traditional dark place rather than the usual abstract.  Alice is in London and the movie starts with her running away (from what we’re not sure).  She gets hit by a cab whose driver agrees to drop her at the hospital after a nearby couple shout they saw him hit her (he wanted to leave her in the street, he’s in a big rush you see).  ;)  Obviously, cabbie is the White Rabbit (here known as “Whitey”).  Instead of taking Alice to the hospital, he takes her to a boardwalk where he’s supposed to be picking up a “package”.  Here Alice runs into a gang of undesirables and from there she gets sucked into a seedy underworld of drugs, gangs and some version of the mafia.  Oh, and there’s a DJ that can stop time.

My super sexy DJ voice will save your life, little girl.

There are some fun moments here, like when Alice (who pops pills the entire movie) goes into a diner, takes a pill then wakes up looking like a punk rock version of Alice and ends up at the world’s most awkward tea party but there’s also a lot of boring (especially in the middle). Overall, the movie’s pretty trippy (though not as trippy as “Alice in Acidland”) but there’s lots of bits and pieces that are just a little bit off (the DJ makes more sense as the Mad Hatter rather than Chessie for example) and there’s the fact that the whole story becomes a plot device for Alice to find her long lost mother.  So yeah, this one is good for a rainy day.

 

 

Lo

No, this isn’t the story of Lo Bosworth.  This is much more interesting than that and there’s a lesson learned here that’s one of the most important ones to remember.  What is it, you ask?  That demons have problems too, man, and when they do, they’re going to sing and dance to work them out just like the rest of us.  Admit it, we all have those moments where things aren’t going quite right and in a fit of frustration we break into song.  Don’t lie, you know you do it too.  It’s alright, no one’s judging.

Demons and musicals aren’t an uncommon phenomenon.  Just check out “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” or “Angel” if you don’t believe me.  (And Mr. Joss Whedon, if you are by some chance reading this, I just want to mention that I think you’re bloody brilliant and if I could work for you some day, it would be quite possibly the most wonderful day of my life.  I can even just go pick up your dry cleaning or something.  Anything.  Just call me.  Okay??)  Ahem….sorry about that.  So demons and musicals aren’t as uncommon as one might think but the demons in Lo take things a step further.  They have theatricality.  Literally.  The entire movie is staged as if the audience is merely sitting in a theatre watching a live show with certain light sequences reminiscent of the lighting in “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari”.  Random fact that makes me geek out, is that the writer and director created this after watching Jan Svankmajer’s “Faust” (and I am a HUGE Svankmajer fan, I adore him!). Not only is there song and dance but there’s comedy (sometimes of the absurd and sometimes of the Three Stooges variety) and there’s drama, sweeping drama in the heartbreak of a young man who’s lover has been kidnapped by demons.  What you thought this one was all about the demons?  Puh-lease.

Demon conjuring has never been more fun!

The moral of the story here is very clear.  When in doubt, when in pain, summon some demons to put on a show.  Might cheer you up or they might kill you but either way you’ll be in a better place than before!

Suburban Zombie or The Decay of the Mind

Suburban Zombie or The Decay of the Mind came to me via a commenter named Evan Jones.  It’s a one minute zombie film (that alone got me – can one even DO a zombie film that’s any kind of decent in one minute??  Has Romero been wasting our time all these years with needless filler?  Can someone out there in the intranets turn all of Romero’s films into one minute versions for my amusement??) with a twist.

The film opens with a guy sitting in a shed watching t.v.

Guy. Shed. ‘Nuff said.

Suddenly, his t.v. goes on the fritz (horror of horrors!!) and dude gets pissed.  Seriously he goes all Hulk and smashes the t.v.  Then he goes outside into the sun (which he obviously hasn’t seen in awhile since he tries to block it with his arms – “Arggghhhh!  Sunlight!!” and we have a moment of “Wait is he zombie or vampire?”).  Next, two mysterious figures in black appear (creepy!) and point to the shed indicating that he should go back inside.  So he does and watches his broken t.v.  Oooohhhh, get it??

I liked this for the social commentary it made about the mind numbingness of  society.  Seriously, these Kardashians and guidos I keep hearing about frighten me more than the upcoming zombie apocalypse.  Our need to be entertained and our seeming unending quest for “15 minutes” is going to be our downfall.  In my IMHO.  And it likely will be via a zombie apocalypse – zombies have been the metaphor for our societal fears ever since Romero appeared on the scene.

So check it out, it’s just a minute!

Drool

Today we have another Jeremiah Kipp short film, the experimental and NSFW Drool. While I loved Crestfallen, I don’t love this. However, I also don’t dislike it.

Drool leaves one unsettled and in my case vaguely grossed out due to the copious amounts of, you guessed it, drool. I may be unsqueamish when it comes to blood and guts but other bodily fluids give me the heebie jeebies. And I have issues with sticky substances and whatever was used here seemed a bit syrupy. So if you have issues with that sort of thing, I’d take a pass on this on. If you’re down with a little (a lot of) clear, sticky syrupy gel like substances then I definitely recommend this.

Stop telling us about your weird issues with substances and get to the point of the film already!

Another silent film and completely open to interpretation, Drool is shot in sepia tones with a stark background (that has a steam room feel to it). Minus the fluids, it’s really beautifully done. Featuring just two actors, my interpretation is: birth, life, sex and death. (All this in just under five minutes too!) There’s really not a lot going on here action wise but the actors really do a great job of storytelling with their entire bodies. They’re graceful and it’s almost like watching a ballet (although a ballet done mostly laying on the floor).

The full video is included below and if you like experimental film and aren’t particularly squeamish like me, then I’d definitely recommend a viewing. Drool is unlike anything else I’ve seen recently and that alone wins it major points in a cinematic world of remakes, sequels and just plain boringness.

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