Category Archives: Creature Feature

Quickies

Since I haven’t been so much in a blogging about movies mood but have managed to watch a few flicks, I’d thought I’d do some quickie reviews.  Maybe it’ll help get my head back in the game. :)

JediJunkies

This is a fun little documentary if you’re into Star Wars.  Did you know there’s a place in NYC where they teach you to fight with light sabers???  How cool is that??  This also features a belly dancing Leia and well, that’s just hot.  Like TOTES.

WhatMaisieKnew

Loved this one, though it broke my heart a little.  Based off a book from the 1800s, I believe, this one tells the story of a Maisie, a little girl caught between absent, bitter parents and their respective much younger lovers.  Featuring the total hottie that is Alexander Skarsgard and a very awesome Julianne Moore, this is a fabulous little drama that teaches you what NOT to do if you get divorced with kids.  Seriously people. *eye roll*

grabbersHehehe.  Drunk people and aliens – why did no one ever think of this before??  Or did they and I just missed that movie?  Anyway, this one reminds me a lot of Slither and I loved that movie so very much.  Great cast (especially when everybody starts getting drunk) and super fun, definitely add this one to your list.

And other than that, I’ve mostly been catching up on the last season of The Walking Dead and Chuck (my dad used to LOVE that show so much, he would call me every week to remind me it was on but I never made it past the first season – it’s actually amusing just a little short on plot as they pretty much keep doing the same plotlines over and over again).

Till next time!

Bad Milo

BadMilo

I was sent this screener recently and wasn’t sure I was going to find anything to like about it.  It just didn’t seem to be my type of humor.  Oddly enough, however, I ended up really digging this story about a guy who shits out a demon on the reg.  Quite strange really.  Maybe I was just having an off day. ;)

Duncan’s (Ken Marino) life is a real pain in the ass. Tormented by a manipulative, crooked boss (Patrick Warburton), a nagging mother (Mary Kay Place), a deadbeat new age dad (Stephen Root), and a sweet, yet pressuring, wife (Gillian Jacobs), his mounting stress starts to trigger an insufferable gastrointestinal reaction.

Out of ideas and at the end of his rope, Duncan seeks the help of a hypnotherapist (Peter Stormare), who helps him discover the root of his unusual stomach pain: a pintsized demon living in his intestine that, triggered by excessive anxiety, forces its way out and slaughters the people who have angered him. Out of fear that his intestinal gremlin may target its wrath on the wrong person, Duncan attempts to befriend it, naming it Milo and indulging it to keep its seemingly insatiable appetite at bay.

Adorable.

Adorable.

You wouldn’t expect to find a lot of sweet in a movie like Bad Milo but it actually was rather touching.  Touching in the way Dead Alive is touching sure (oh c’mon, it totally is!!) but touching nonetheless.  The relationship between Duncan and Milo, while being a relationship of manipulation is also a cute friendship/father and son relationship, a relationship which actually ends up bringing Duncan closer to his own estranged father.  There’s hope here, folks.

And I do love when people’s feelings and emotions become physical manifestations because who HASN’T felt like they were so stressed out that their stress was just going to become this thing, this entity and go around wreaking havoc?  We have so all totally been there.  TOTES.  So Bad Milo wins points for that.

It even wins points for the gross out factor.  Gross out is something where I can go either direction, just depends on how it’s presented.  Jackass?  Hate it.  This movie, totes down with it.  Probably helps that the majority of the gross out factor is either alluded to or is of a bloody nature rather than a shitty one.  It really is the finite details that can make all the difference, peeps.

Bad Milo definitely isn’t for everyone.  Hell, I can think of about 10 people right off the bat that it isn’t for.  But if you take a chance and look past the fact that this is a movie about a dude who has a demon that comes out of his ass, you might just be pleasantly surprised, as I was.

And if you wanna find out more about Bad Milo or find out how you can watch, check out Magnolia Pictures site!

Strange Nature

StrangeNature

So I got the heads up about this baby from writer/director, Jim Ojala.  Jim has a professional background in Special Makeup/Creature FX (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Deadgirl, PROXY, Hellboy 2, Where the Wild Things Are, Pacific Rim, etc.)- HE WORKED ON BUFFY!!!!  *SQUEAL OF EXCITEMENT*  Ahem…I’m back….So how does his special makeup background fit in?  Well, Strange Nature is an eco-thriller that revolves around the ongoing unsolved frog deformity outbreaks in the U.S. and the dangerous places they may lead.  With Jim’s awesome special effects background, he and the rest of his team can  bring the more fantastic elements of where these deadly deformities can lead to startling realism in the film….plus it helps keep practical FX alive!  If people believe it on screen maybe they’ll pay attention to the real problem as well.

Also cool is the support they’ve gotten from the ecological community.  One of their strongest supporters, Dr. Pieter Johnson of University of Colorado, and his research team found a population of frogs in Oregon this year where every frog suffered a deformity…100% deformity rate.  The problem is growing and the cast and crew of Strange Nature hope to expose that.

Right now, these guys are working with Kickstarter to try to raise funds for the film.  They only have 6 days left to raise the money (so far they’re halfway there!) so if this is the sort of thing you’d like to see, click the link above, swing by and check out their Kickstarter and donate a buck or two!

You can also check out their website to learn more about the film including what they’ve done so far to get started as well as lots of videos!  Just click that link there that says “website” and away you’ll go! ;)

I dunno, I think it looks pretty cool and pretty unique so I’d definitely like to see this thing get made.  :)

Sand Sharks

A couple of quickies before we start our feature presentation -

Did you all listen to the last Lambcast the other day?  If not, you might hear someone you know on it…Plus you get to hear the final nominees for the LAMMY’S!

Secondly, just came across this Indiegogo for a really cool looking horror film called Truth or Dare starring Scream Queen Jessica Cameron (AND it’s also her directorial debut).  Looks like it might be something a lot of you guys would dig so maybe check it out and support some indie horror! :)

And now for the main event…..

sandsharks1

So yeah. Sand Sharks.  Let’s just jump right on into this bad boy…

  • Are you allowed to ride dirt bikes on the beach?
  •     Um…I don’t think sharks do that…or look like that…
  •     Oh man, is this the Jersey shore because that is one serious guido.  Or porn star.  Kind of hard to tell.
  •     Apparently you can NOT ride your dirt bike on the beach or so says the sheriff 500 TIMES.
  •     Obviously a coyote ripped the biker’s head off.  Totes.
  •     This guido/porn star makes me want to go take a shower.
  •     Brooke Hogan!!  Why does she have an acting career and I don’t?? :-(
  •     Why is Brooke Hogan always in shark movies?
  •     Ohhhhhhh, this guy buried in the sand up to his head is not going to last long I think.  Also he’s a whiny little bitch.
  •    Being buried in the sand is the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened to him – whiny boy has had one boring life apparently.
  •     “Ow. Ow.” so that’s how you react when a sand shark starts to eat you.
  •     I LOVE THIS INTERN.  She just said “hella”.  Any second she’s gonna break out the “TOTES”!!
  •     Please tell me that deputy is NOT Jewel Staite.
  •     “You expect thousands of college students to sleep in tents?”  Has this woman ever MET a college student?
  •     Okay, so the last time guido/porn star threw a party 15 people died.  Obviously he should NOT be throwing another party…
  •     Also the sand shark has finally been sighted by people!  I mean, other than the people that have been eaten.
  •     Did I mention that guido/porn star is throwing a “rager” called “Sand Man”?  That’s the opposing story line here.
  •     I think this movie is stealing from “Jaws”…
  •     I…what?  There’s a crusty old fisherman who’s stepping up to catch the sand shark…and he talks like Popeye….
  •     Um, sheriff?  Brooke Hogan is like half your age if not more so.  Stop hitting on her now.  You’re being totes creepster.
  •     Looks like crusty old fisherman wasn’t really up to the task of catching the sand shark – the sand shark that attacked in WATER.
  •    Guido/porn star just referred to himself as “Big Daddy” – that is how I shall refer to him from now on too.
  •     Big Daddy is ignoring all warnings of sand sharks (of course) so I imagine more than 15 people are going to die this time.
  •    OH snap.  Not just a sand shark but a dino tiger sand shark!
  •     The sand dino tiger shark just ate the power cord that was laying on the beach – the gigantic power cord that seems to control the power to the whole town.
  •     Now it’s night…now it’s day…now it’s night…who needs continuity?
  •    So much melodrama for a movie of this nature!
  •    Brooke Hogan is trapped by the sand shark!!  Creepster sheriff is going to try to save her!
  •    Wow, that was anticlimatic.  Sand sharks are slow.
  •     There are so many idiots in this movie.  I’ve lost count.
  •     Okay, that was by far the funniest moment from Big Daddy and it was after his dad got eaten.
  •    WHOA!!  Sand shark just got all blown up with electricity and now the entire world is without power!
  •     Big Daddy is obviously bi-polar.  One second he’s crying, the next he’s ranting, then he’s manic – it’s like me on a bad day.
  •     I never understood the appeal of spring break.  Does that make me weird?
  •     Ew, she just licked his face – out of nowhere.  That was gross.
  •     Hahahahaaaaa!!!!!!  Way to make fun of yourself, movie!
  •    “Are you serious right now??”  “As a heart attack…or shark attack…”
  •    Oooohhhh, intern, I liked you before but I like you even better now for knocking that guy out to get ahead.
  •   And literally throwing that dude to the shark?  Bitch, you rule.
  •    Are you freaking kidding me, there’s 30 minutes of this movie left??
  •     One for my homies, one for me.  These people know how to party.
  •     BAD BAD tan, orange girl.  BAD.
  •     Never show your boobs to a shark made of sand because then a sand shark will eat you.  Just ponder that for a moment.
  •    Nobody knows how to run in this movie.  Why??
  •    Now there’s like 800 million sand sharks!!
  •    I don’t think guns work on sand sharks.
  •     I really just like saying sand sharks again and again.
  •     Holy FUCK they just killed off someone that I wasn’t expecting!!  I can’t believe the movie got me!
  •     Also intestines cannot really go back in the body once they’re out.
  •     Being stoned during a sand shark attack is not helpful to anyone.
  •    Grizzly fisherman is back!  I totes thought he was dead!
  •     So those 30 extras represented thousands of teenagers?
  •     WHAT???  Okay, the plan is to lure the sand sharks up the beach, then melt the sand with electricity.  What could possibly go wrong?
  •     Seriously, this movie just keeps getting funnier and funnier.  They’re playing Sousa to lure the sharks to the beach so they can electrify/melt them.  (At least I think it’s Sousa).
  •    So electricity means a flame thrower…gotcha…
  •     WTF???  *giggles*
  •    I really think she actually just said “Eat this, you sand of a bitch.”
  •     Oh thank goodness, it’s over.  Where is that whiskey I bought earlier??

Snow Beast

snowbeast

First things first, thank you and welcome to all my new followers!  Seriously, where did you all come from??  One thing you’ll quickly learn about me is that I’m a terrible blogger (no idea who gave me this job in the first place…) who is quite bad at updating due to a whole lot of factors so I apologize in advance.  I’m trying to improve, for reals. 

Secondly, I seem to have been nominated for a LAMMY (thanks to Tyson for pointing that out to me because I had no clue).  No idea how that happened but thank you to whomever or whatever got me there – it’s so greatly appreciated!!  I believe it’s common protocol to beg for votes so if you’d like to vote for me as…um…Best Horror Blog, I think…oh dear, I don’t even know if that’s right…*sighs*…well, that would also be greatly appreciated!  You must be a LAMB and you can go vote for me HEREAnd thank you!!!!

Now on to the main event – Snow Beast – warning, there will be spoilers ahead so if you were, like, super excited to see this please read no further. 

*WARNING – SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!*

Ah….where to start with Snow Beast?  Well, it’s not the 1977 Snow Beast so if you got really excited about that, sorry…But no, this gem features John Schneider ( of Dukes of Hazzard and Smallville fame) and Jason London (of London twin brother and shitting his pants in the back of a police car fame).  So where to start?….

What we have here is a creature feature of the most highlarious kind.  We have DAD, DAUGHTER who hates DAD and has been expelled from school for fighting, FEMALE potential love interest and ROB, token other male otherwise referred to here on out as WIMP BOY.  DAD heads a research team who annually go out to the middle of Canada to track Canadian Lynx (apparently that is a job people have).  Since DAUGHTER has been expelled from school, she’s forced to come with this year, whining and moaning the whole way.  Jason London plays a ranger who is concerned about an unusual amount of people disappearing in the snowy Canadian wilderness as of late and who has a boss (I think it’s his boss?) who doesn’t like the cold (WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO LIVE IN CANADA??).

The happy research team

The happy research team

The majority of the movie is as follows:

DAUGHTER:  Why, oh why must I be tortured like this?  I can’t even get a phone signal here in the wilderness!

DAD: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten expelled from school then.

DAUGHTER: I hate you because Mom left!  (turning to WIMP BOY) Wow, you’re, like, so HOT!

FEMALE:  Where are all the lynxes this year?

WIMP BOY: *falls over his own feet*

OMG, SNOW BEAST!!!

OMG, SNOW BEAST!!!

THEN this guy shows up – he’s been not only eating the lynxes BUT all the people too!  Dude, y’all!  He destroys our research team’s snowmobiles and runs around being a jerk.  Our team decides they must get the HELL outta there but FEMALE is all “But he’s eating the lynxes!  We need to get documentation or no one will believe us and then everyone else will come in and steal our glory!”  Silly FEMALE.  She of course goes and gets herself killed.  MALE is cranky because his potential girlfriend got all dead and stuff so he heads out to…catch the Snow Beast?  Not really sure but he heads out and gets all kidnapped and stuck in a snow cave for later consumption which leaves WIMP BOY alone with DAUGHTER for a night defending themselves in their log cabin from the Snow Beast which goes a little like this:

DAUGHTER:  OMG, we’re gonna die!!

WIMP BOY: Yeah, probably…

DAUGHTER: You’re supposed to the brave one!!

WIMP BOY: Why?

DAUGHTER: So I’m not scared!!  I wish my dad was here.

WIMP BOY: Me too. He’s super brave and shiz.

And then later on:

DAUGHTER: What am I supposed to do if dad’s dead?  I go home and then what?…

WIMP BOY: Eh, you’ll figure something out Orphan Girl.

And then comes the awesome ending that involves dragging raw food on a garbage can lid to lure Snow Beast out (of course WIMP BOY makes the DAUGHTER carry this) so they can shoot the Snow Beast full of tranquilizers and try to save MALE from the snow cave.  The best part EVER??  MALE is still alive, WIMP BOY and DAUGHTER grab him and THEN MALE and DAUGHTER run for their lives leaving WIMP BOY to his doom.  *giggles*  I’m watching and am like, “What the hell?  You people suck!”  Totes brill.

 

 

 

Guest Post – The Reef

thereef

 

 

If there is one thing we do here in Australia, its animals that could straight up fucking kill
you. 15 out of the 10 deadliest snakes in the world are Australian and we’ve got two species
of killer spiders. Throw in killer crocs, octopus, jellyfish and even shells amongst others, and
coming here can be a little intimidating. Hell we even have giant birds and kangaroos that can
kick you to death.

But to be really honest, these animals are generally totally off the beaten track. With the
exception of kangaroos (which I see basically every day on my drive to work and I live in
Australia’s capital city) most people would be (un)lucky to see any of the above animals once
or twice in a lifetime. So day to day, there is little to fear about these things.

Something tells me these people will be (un)lucky...

Something tells me these people will be (un)lucky…

However, the most notable exception is frickin sharks. As a generalisation, Aussies love the
beach. And that is a shark’s domain, there is no outrunning a shark in the water. Shark attacks
are relatively common and I would say there are 3-5 fatal attacks a year here. Not to mention
quite a few more finger and leg chompings. Little reason then that sharks are the animals
most feared by Australians.

Also little reason then that The Reef scared the living shit out of me. A tale of 4 friends
who find themselves alone way out to sea after the yacht they are on sinks. Alone that is,
besides all the bloody sharks (or at least one really pesky one). This is not your over the top,
Sharkasaurus type film. This is raw, real and visceral. The masterstroke of the film is that
it utilises almost exclusively real shark footage and then edits it seamlessly into the action.
Thinking about it a little more, the editing of the film really is spectacularly good. Editing
is one of those facets of film that whilst I realise its importance, I don’t generally notice or
comment on that much. Here though, it really makes the film.

There's a reason I stay out of the ocean.

There’s a reason I stay out of the ocean.

The film looks pretty incredible, with plenty of really crisp looking ocean shots. All of these
perfectly convey the utter vastness of the ocean, just how frightening and isolating a place it
can be. And whilst aspects of the set-up are a little pulpy with an almost TV feel to them, the
action picks up in a second half that is really quite harrowing. It is almost as if you are living
the entire ordeal with these people. I’ve seen the film twice now and both times I was pretty
effected by it and it gave me pause for thought the next time I dipped a toe in the water of one
of our pristine beaches.

I highly recommend this film. This is legit thriller territory, not B movie madness (if you’re
more keen on the latter, check out the 2012 Aussie flick Bait 3D). The story is simple, yet
brutal. And it finishes off with a really well crafted, not to mention pretty brutal, conclusion.
Take a look if you can get your hands on it.

(Editor’s Note: Just the trailer gives me the heebie-jeebies to the point I don’t think I’d make it through this!)

Thanks again to Tim of Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie for the excellent guest review.  Be sure to check out his site because he constantly  has sweet things going on!

The First Five – Monster Brawl

Monsterbrawl

Okay, gotta be honest – I really watched the first 40 minutes of this not just five.  BUT I honestly didn’t realize I was still watching it till my friend, The Brad, called and I was like, “Why can’t I hear what you’re saying??  Oh…this stupid thing is still on??”  So that totally counts for a First Five.  Right?  ;)

Yeah…so…I’d like to start by saying that a movie that involves monsters and wrestling should be AMAZING.  FUCKING AMAZING.  It’s like having a movie that involves hot girls and jello wrestling – how do you go wrong????  You can’t.  You just can’t go wrong with that.  And yet…*sighs*.  WHAT THE FUCK, Monster Brawl???  WHAT THE FUCK?  How on earth did you ruin a flick so full of potential??  I love monsters.  I used to be really into wrestling.  Kevin Nash is in this movie for pete’s sake and I couldn’t even make it to his part.  Now if Mick Foley had been in this I would’ve stuck it out because my gosh, do I love that man.  I even read Have A Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks.  (I know, I know – how on earth am I still single??  I am SO a kickawesome catch. ;-p) But I digress…

Speaking of Foley's...

Speaking of Foley’s…

Speaking of Foley’s though, Dave Foley is in this movie and from what I saw he spends the entire time with a look upon his face that clearly indicates he has no CLUE how he got in this film.  None at all.  Also his “character” is continuously drinking from a flask…yeah, “character”…*cough cough, wink wink*

 

The oh so amazing "Cyclops" makeup...

The oh so amazing “Cyclops” makeup…

Oh and let’s talk about this guy for a minute, shall we?  Someone be a dear and tell me when exactly Cyclops (Cyclopses…Cyclopi…what’s the plural??) developed laser beam eyeballs that can melt the faces off people.  Because that happened.  TOTES.

monsterbrawl4

Why, yes, that IS her name – “Lady Vampire”.  There’s also another woman called “Witch Bitch”.  Don’t even get me started on this bullshit.

The most boring monster fights you'll ever see...

The most boring monster fights you’ll ever see…

So to sum up – FUCK YOU, Monster Brawl.  You go hide somewhere and hang your head in shame.

P.S.  Next Classic Movie will be The Usual Suspects!

Bigfoot – Guest Review by Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie

BIGFOOT

First off, Happy New Year’s, y’all!!  My hiatus is pretty much over and I’ve almost recovered from the Alabama Death Plague so yay!  Hope you all had a fabulous NYE – 2013 is going to be majorly kickawesome!!  And to start it off, we have a fabulous guest review by Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie.  Don’t know if you all have checked out Tim’s site yet but seriously look at that name.  That’s like my freaking tagline right there.  I’m kinda jealous I didn’t think of that first actually.  ;)  Anyway, Tim has all sorts of cool action happening on his site so swing by and check him out!  And thank you, Tim, for taking on Bigfoot!!

Billed as starring “70s cultural icons” Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams, two dudes I wouldn’t recognise, Bigfoot is a slice of B-movie heaven that veers from the inspired to woeful.

I'm assuming this are the icons, no?

I’m assuming these are the icons, no?

The film opens with a prologue that is probably its coolest moment. An awesome food chain inspired sequence that sees a frog eat an insect, a fish eat that frog, a bear eat that fish, a man shoot that bear, then finally the bigfoot eat the man. As the film gets going, I recognise one of the aforementioned icons (I think Williams) to be obviously a former star of The Brady Bunch (here he comes complete with a harem of young environmentalist women). The story, not that is important, takes place in Deadwood, South Dakota as preparations for a throwback 80s music festival see trees being chopped down to make way for the stage, leading to one exceptionally pissed off Bigfoot who starts throwing down. Clashing over the environmental aspects of this tale are two former bandmates, one now a greenie, the other the organiser of the festival (and terrible radio jockey). This story goes on and on, so much so that you will be chanting “We want more Bigfoot” like I was before too long. Thankfully the filmmakers oblige with a bigfoot laden last half hour.

Thank you Google Images for THIS - awesomesauce!!

Thank you Google Images for THIS – awesomesauce!!

What is important of course is the frickin Bigfoot. Initially I was quite impressed with the special effects that show this huge beast. But then I opened my eyes a little and realised that they are rather atrocious. They seem to get increasingly bad as the film wears on. Like the filmmakers blew their budget on the first couple. Some of the ones toward the end of the film are actually clearly unfinished effects shots. Whilst the rest of them, except for the first couple, look like Playstation 1 level computer graphics copy and pasted onto your screen.

Depending on your point of view Bigfoot is either so bad it’s good, or just so bad. I tend to think it is the former. It sort of has to be watched for the simple awesomeness of its murderous Bigfoot. Not to mention its hippy ex-Brady Buncher vs failed 80s rock star capitalist storyline. Throw in a legitimately nonsensical script and some comically bad, in the best B movie kind of the way, acting and you have some B monster fantasticness.

OMG, I just totally fell in love with that trailer…Thanks again to Tim from Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie!

Thankskilling

It’s a day late but yesterday was a busy day so I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I present to you the cinematic masterpiece and the perfect Thanksgiving movie: Thankskilling!  Now this was the perfect movie for the day after Thanksgiving – epically stupid and epically funny and epically ridiculous.  Here in all its glory is the play by play recap!

  • This movie starts with a nipple shot – how on earth can it be bad?
  • Wait, did Pilgrim women not wear shirts?  Nobody ever told me they were nudists, dammit.
  • That turkey just said “Nice tits, bitch.”  I love this movie so much.
  • I am so naming my kids General Bastard and Wanda Lust.
  • Since when do kids get so excited about Thanksgiving they start ripping their clothes off?
  • He just referred to his bicep as a Weapon of Mass Destruction…
  • I’m fairly certain this is set in Alabama just from the characters.
  • Lassie dog!!!
  • Oh yeah.  This is SO set in Alabama.  Just waiting for the rebel flag to pop up at this point…
  • “What’s poon??”  *sighs*
  • Cheesiest flashback in the history of cinema, wow.
  • “I’m going to go skinny dipping without any clothes on.”  ~Nerdy guy is nerdy and pervy.
  • “Allie, you’re kind of a ho.  Not gonna lie, you’re kinda skanky.”
  • Oh great, Lassie’s pissing on an Indian totem.  No way is this going to end well.
  • Evil turkey!!
  • Uh-oh, RIP Lassie.
  • Oh no!  The car is breaking down!  Now all the teenagers will be in terrible danger.
  • Dude, there’s ancient Pilgrim history happening now!  In cartoon form!  Some Pilgrim pissed off an Indian and now there’s a curse – it’s the killer turkey!!  Homicidal turkey fun!
  • Turkeyologists??  I suspect that is not a real thing…
  • This killer turkey thinks he’s Freddy Krueger with the quips.
  • I feel compelled to go out to the backyard, drop to my knees and scream “Damn you turkey, damn you!!!” just like that hillbilly did.  It’s the day after Thanksgiving, I think it would be entirely appropriate.
  • Did you know turkeys see things in purple and white?
  • Nerd boy is totes a future serial killer.
  • The turkey scare tactics involve throwing baby bunnies into the fire pit.
  • Aw, poor Billy.  He’s been reduced to feeling up his own boobs.  And now he’s waking up to a hillbilly with a shotgun and turkey droppings on his chest.  This is SO not Billy’s day.
  • Wait – nobody died camping and they got the car to work the next day.  What the hell kind of movie is this??
  • WTF??  WTF?? Why did some dude just see killer turkey on the side of the road, pull over to pick him up and then try to screw him?  What world do these people live in where they pick up hitchhiking turkeys??
  • Whoever wrote this seems to have an obsession with Jon Benet Ramsey.
  • Oh Johnny, it can’t be good when you ask your dad a question and he farts in reply.  He really does hate you for being pushed back to second string quarterback.
  • ……………….okay, sorry, I had to pick myself up from where I just fell onto the floor laughing………..
  • Ah, sex fully clothed, of course.
  • Oh c’mon.  I do NOT need to see turkey/human sex.  What the hell Thankskilling?  Why the hell do I always end up watching movies with shit like this in them?  Why the hell are there SO many of them?
  • Gravy flavored condom *shudders*
  • Hide yo wife, hide yo kids, y’all.
  • Scooby gang moment – they’re headed to check out some books to find out how to beat the baddie!
  • Why is everyone acting like a talking turkey is perfectly normal?  Why is this man dressed as a turkey?  Why is the turkey having coffee with this guy and discussing the weather?
  • These people are clearly living in an alternate universe where everyone is an IDIOT.
  • Turkey’s gone all Leatherface.
  • Oh hells yeah, book reading montage with hip hop music.  EPIC.
  • To kill the turkey they must FIRST solve a mathematical code.  Math bores Billy.
  • “I know we took the Indians’ land but we gave them casinos, doesn’t that make up for it?”  *facepalm*
  • No, Johnny, things definitely will never be the same again, not even if you defeat the killer turkey.
  • To defeat the turkey you must burn it at the stake and chant a demonic prayer backwards, in unison.  THAT is what the mathematical code said.
  • How did the turkey get the ability to turn itself into a cartoon turkey dinner to entice Billy?  Native American’s did NOT have cartoons, y’all.  No way did the necromancer throw that shiz into the curse.
  • I HATE Nerd Boy.  I LOVE Killer Turkey.
  • Oh there’s a killer turkey/Billy love song!!!
  • After a long day of killing, there’s nothing killer turkeys like more than a nice salad.
  • Yay Hillbilly!  Way to shoot that turkey!
  • Hey, just because like 10 people died tonight is NO reason we should call the police or anything.  Instead let’s go watch a movie, eat popcorn and hang out with Kristen’s dead dad.
  • Oh dayum, Hillbilly shot Killer Turkey into a dumpster that was full of RADIOACTIVE WASTE!!!  Radioactive Killer Turkey is pecking Nerd Boy to death.  Oh and he’s glowing green.
  • That’s right Nerd Boy, follow your bestie Billy into that white light.  No turkeys in heaven.
  • Turkeys like killing people with easily found kitchen objects.  The more you know…
  • That’s so convenient that there was a pile of sticks RIGHT THERE for the flaming turkey to fly into!
  • And now, the Last Girl Standing enjoys a fine turkey meal.
  • Who has one turkey, one bowl of stuffing and one pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving?  We had enough food to feed an army yesterday.
  • Oh noes!  Turkey dinner has jumped off the plate yelling, “Do I smell a sequel??”

And there you have it!  So sit back and enjoy an extra helping of turkey!

Catacombs

 

Halloween month continues with Catacombs from 2007, featuring Pink and the first original movie from FEARnet.  Yes, the singer is in this and she is not terrible.  She’s billed under her real name so my roommate and I actually spent the first fifteen minutes of the movie trying to decide if it was her or not.  She doesn’t carry the film or anything but her role is a second lead (she’s in the film for about 45 minutes I think) and seriously, I was impressed.  She’s not going to win any awards but she’s a competent actress, I thought.

Anyway, Victoria (Shannyn Sossamon), a girl in desperate need of food because she has heroin chic down pat, receives a postcard from her sister (Pink) in Paris that simply states “Come to Paris, it’ll be good for you.”  Victoria’s never been away from home and suffers from a multitude of ailments (never fully explained except for her extreme anxiety) and has a multitude of pill bottles to take care of herself with but she flies to Paris to see her sister (who’s really kind of obnoxious).  Once there Pink takes her to a massive rave held in the catacombs beneath Paris where a group of her friends tell Victoria about a killer who lives in the catacombs.  Raised by a Satanic cult, “the Antichrist” feeds off people who get lost down there.

Wanna come play with me? I’m really just super lonely…

So what happens next?  Well, duh.  The Antichrist comes out to play after the police raid the rave and Victoria gets trampled on and knocked out and then lost in the catacombs.

 

This movie led to an in depth discussion between my roomie and myself about how well we would fare if we were lost in catacombs. We also discussed my inability to tread water which is actually relevant to this film.

The Good:

  • I love the fact that this is set in catacombs.  Visually it’s creepy because the main characters are surrounded by bones the entire time and it’s also really insanely beautiful the art down there.  I also am not familiar with any other “lost in the catacombs” movies so yay for a new place to be lost in!
  • I enjoyed the fact that Pink was in it and didn’t suck.
  • The ending was pretty great I thought.  Nothing highly special but I actually didn’t like the movie until the ending.

The Bad:

  • I didn’t like the movie until the ending.  I thought the ending really turned the whole thing around but um…I spent the majority of the movie wishing it would hurry up and be over so I can’t say it was entirely worth it.
  • The girl playing Victoria – her audition must’ve consisted of “Yes, scream for me.”….”Okay, say ‘Stop! Go away!’” and that must’ve really been it because yeah, she’s alone for a vast majority of this movie and the dialogue leaves a lot to be desired.
  • There was a particular plot device used (a person to help out in the catacombs) that I just hated.  It was moot and I think they only threw it in because they realized one person alone screaming in catacombs for 45 minutes does not a movie make.

I think I can sum up this movie best with what I repeatedly said to my roommate through out:

“We need to watch The Descent next.  It’s the same premise but a million times better.”

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