Category Archives: Creature Feature
First things first, thank you and welcome to all my new followers! Seriously, where did you all come from?? One thing you’ll quickly learn about me is that I’m a terrible blogger (no idea who gave me this job in the first place…) who is quite bad at updating due to a whole lot of factors so I apologize in advance. I’m trying to improve, for reals.
Secondly, I seem to have been nominated for a LAMMY (thanks to Tyson for pointing that out to me because I had no clue). No idea how that happened but thank you to whomever or whatever got me there – it’s so greatly appreciated!! I believe it’s common protocol to beg for votes so if you’d like to vote for me as…um…Best Horror Blog, I think…oh dear, I don’t even know if that’s right…*sighs*…well, that would also be greatly appreciated! You must be a LAMB and you can go vote for me HERE. And thank you!!!!
Now on to the main event – Snow Beast – warning, there will be spoilers ahead so if you were, like, super excited to see this please read no further.
*WARNING – SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!*
Ah….where to start with Snow Beast? Well, it’s not the 1977 Snow Beast so if you got really excited about that, sorry…But no, this gem features John Schneider ( of Dukes of Hazzard and Smallville fame) and Jason London (of London twin brother and shitting his pants in the back of a police car fame). So where to start?….
What we have here is a creature feature of the most highlarious kind. We have DAD, DAUGHTER who hates DAD and has been expelled from school for fighting, FEMALE potential love interest and ROB, token other male otherwise referred to here on out as WIMP BOY. DAD heads a research team who annually go out to the middle of Canada to track Canadian Lynx (apparently that is a job people have). Since DAUGHTER has been expelled from school, she’s forced to come with this year, whining and moaning the whole way. Jason London plays a ranger who is concerned about an unusual amount of people disappearing in the snowy Canadian wilderness as of late and who has a boss (I think it’s his boss?) who doesn’t like the cold (WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO LIVE IN CANADA??).
The majority of the movie is as follows:
DAUGHTER: Why, oh why must I be tortured like this? I can’t even get a phone signal here in the wilderness!
DAD: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten expelled from school then.
DAUGHTER: I hate you because Mom left! (turning to WIMP BOY) Wow, you’re, like, so HOT!
FEMALE: Where are all the lynxes this year?
WIMP BOY: *falls over his own feet*
THEN this guy shows up – he’s been not only eating the lynxes BUT all the people too! Dude, y’all! He destroys our research team’s snowmobiles and runs around being a jerk. Our team decides they must get the HELL outta there but FEMALE is all “But he’s eating the lynxes! We need to get documentation or no one will believe us and then everyone else will come in and steal our glory!” Silly FEMALE. She of course goes and gets herself killed. MALE is cranky because his potential girlfriend got all dead and stuff so he heads out to…catch the Snow Beast? Not really sure but he heads out and gets all kidnapped and stuck in a snow cave for later consumption which leaves WIMP BOY alone with DAUGHTER for a night defending themselves in their log cabin from the Snow Beast which goes a little like this:
DAUGHTER: OMG, we’re gonna die!!
WIMP BOY: Yeah, probably…
DAUGHTER: You’re supposed to the brave one!!
WIMP BOY: Why?
DAUGHTER: So I’m not scared!! I wish my dad was here.
WIMP BOY: Me too. He’s super brave and shiz.
And then later on:
DAUGHTER: What am I supposed to do if dad’s dead? I go home and then what?…
WIMP BOY: Eh, you’ll figure something out Orphan Girl.
And then comes the awesome ending that involves dragging raw food on a garbage can lid to lure Snow Beast out (of course WIMP BOY makes the DAUGHTER carry this) so they can shoot the Snow Beast full of tranquilizers and try to save MALE from the snow cave. The best part EVER?? MALE is still alive, WIMP BOY and DAUGHTER grab him and THEN MALE and DAUGHTER run for their lives leaving WIMP BOY to his doom. *giggles* I’m watching and am like, “What the hell? You people suck!” Totes brill.
If there is one thing we do here in Australia, its animals that could straight up fucking kill
you. 15 out of the 10 deadliest snakes in the world are Australian and we’ve got two species
of killer spiders. Throw in killer crocs, octopus, jellyfish and even shells amongst others, and
coming here can be a little intimidating. Hell we even have giant birds and kangaroos that can
kick you to death.
But to be really honest, these animals are generally totally off the beaten track. With the
exception of kangaroos (which I see basically every day on my drive to work and I live in
Australia’s capital city) most people would be (un)lucky to see any of the above animals once
or twice in a lifetime. So day to day, there is little to fear about these things.
However, the most notable exception is frickin sharks. As a generalisation, Aussies love the
beach. And that is a shark’s domain, there is no outrunning a shark in the water. Shark attacks
are relatively common and I would say there are 3-5 fatal attacks a year here. Not to mention
quite a few more finger and leg chompings. Little reason then that sharks are the animals
most feared by Australians.
Also little reason then that The Reef scared the living shit out of me. A tale of 4 friends
who find themselves alone way out to sea after the yacht they are on sinks. Alone that is,
besides all the bloody sharks (or at least one really pesky one). This is not your over the top,
Sharkasaurus type film. This is raw, real and visceral. The masterstroke of the film is that
it utilises almost exclusively real shark footage and then edits it seamlessly into the action.
Thinking about it a little more, the editing of the film really is spectacularly good. Editing
is one of those facets of film that whilst I realise its importance, I don’t generally notice or
comment on that much. Here though, it really makes the film.
The film looks pretty incredible, with plenty of really crisp looking ocean shots. All of these
perfectly convey the utter vastness of the ocean, just how frightening and isolating a place it
can be. And whilst aspects of the set-up are a little pulpy with an almost TV feel to them, the
action picks up in a second half that is really quite harrowing. It is almost as if you are living
the entire ordeal with these people. I’ve seen the film twice now and both times I was pretty
effected by it and it gave me pause for thought the next time I dipped a toe in the water of one
of our pristine beaches.
I highly recommend this film. This is legit thriller territory, not B movie madness (if you’re
more keen on the latter, check out the 2012 Aussie flick Bait 3D). The story is simple, yet
brutal. And it finishes off with a really well crafted, not to mention pretty brutal, conclusion.
Take a look if you can get your hands on it.
(Editor’s Note: Just the trailer gives me the heebie-jeebies to the point I don’t think I’d make it through this!)
Thanks again to Tim of Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie for the excellent guest review. Be sure to check out his site because he constantly has sweet things going on!
Okay, gotta be honest – I really watched the first 40 minutes of this not just five. BUT I honestly didn’t realize I was still watching it till my friend, The Brad, called and I was like, “Why can’t I hear what you’re saying?? Oh…this stupid thing is still on??” So that totally counts for a First Five. Right?
Yeah…so…I’d like to start by saying that a movie that involves monsters and wrestling should be AMAZING. FUCKING AMAZING. It’s like having a movie that involves hot girls and jello wrestling – how do you go wrong???? You can’t. You just can’t go wrong with that. And yet…*sighs*. WHAT THE FUCK, Monster Brawl??? WHAT THE FUCK? How on earth did you ruin a flick so full of potential?? I love monsters. I used to be really into wrestling. Kevin Nash is in this movie for pete’s sake and I couldn’t even make it to his part. Now if Mick Foley had been in this I would’ve stuck it out because my gosh, do I love that man. I even read Have A Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks. (I know, I know – how on earth am I still single?? I am SO a kickawesome catch. ;-p) But I digress…
Speaking of Foley’s though, Dave Foley is in this movie and from what I saw he spends the entire time with a look upon his face that clearly indicates he has no CLUE how he got in this film. None at all. Also his “character” is continuously drinking from a flask…yeah, “character”…*cough cough, wink wink*
Oh and let’s talk about this guy for a minute, shall we? Someone be a dear and tell me when exactly Cyclops (Cyclopses…Cyclopi…what’s the plural??) developed laser beam eyeballs that can melt the faces off people. Because that happened. TOTES.
Why, yes, that IS her name – “Lady Vampire”. There’s also another woman called “Witch Bitch”. Don’t even get me started on this bullshit.
So to sum up – FUCK YOU, Monster Brawl. You go hide somewhere and hang your head in shame.
P.S. Next Classic Movie will be The Usual Suspects!
First off, Happy New Year’s, y’all!! My hiatus is pretty much over and I’ve almost recovered from the Alabama Death Plague so yay! Hope you all had a fabulous NYE – 2013 is going to be majorly kickawesome!! And to start it off, we have a fabulous guest review by Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie. Don’t know if you all have checked out Tim’s site yet but seriously look at that name. That’s like my freaking tagline right there. I’m kinda jealous I didn’t think of that first actually. Anyway, Tim has all sorts of cool action happening on his site so swing by and check him out! And thank you, Tim, for taking on Bigfoot!!
Billed as starring “70s cultural icons” Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams, two dudes I wouldn’t recognise, Bigfoot is a slice of B-movie heaven that veers from the inspired to woeful.
The film opens with a prologue that is probably its coolest moment. An awesome food chain inspired sequence that sees a frog eat an insect, a fish eat that frog, a bear eat that fish, a man shoot that bear, then finally the bigfoot eat the man. As the film gets going, I recognise one of the aforementioned icons (I think Williams) to be obviously a former star of The Brady Bunch (here he comes complete with a harem of young environmentalist women). The story, not that is important, takes place in Deadwood, South Dakota as preparations for a throwback 80s music festival see trees being chopped down to make way for the stage, leading to one exceptionally pissed off Bigfoot who starts throwing down. Clashing over the environmental aspects of this tale are two former bandmates, one now a greenie, the other the organiser of the festival (and terrible radio jockey). This story goes on and on, so much so that you will be chanting “We want more Bigfoot” like I was before too long. Thankfully the filmmakers oblige with a bigfoot laden last half hour.
What is important of course is the frickin Bigfoot. Initially I was quite impressed with the special effects that show this huge beast. But then I opened my eyes a little and realised that they are rather atrocious. They seem to get increasingly bad as the film wears on. Like the filmmakers blew their budget on the first couple. Some of the ones toward the end of the film are actually clearly unfinished effects shots. Whilst the rest of them, except for the first couple, look like Playstation 1 level computer graphics copy and pasted onto your screen.
Depending on your point of view Bigfoot is either so bad it’s good, or just so bad. I tend to think it is the former. It sort of has to be watched for the simple awesomeness of its murderous Bigfoot. Not to mention its hippy ex-Brady Buncher vs failed 80s rock star capitalist storyline. Throw in a legitimately nonsensical script and some comically bad, in the best B movie kind of the way, acting and you have some B monster fantasticness.
OMG, I just totally fell in love with that trailer…Thanks again to Tim from Not Now I’m Drinking a Beer and Watching a Movie!
It’s a day late but yesterday was a busy day so I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
I present to you the cinematic masterpiece and the perfect Thanksgiving movie: Thankskilling! Now this was the perfect movie for the day after Thanksgiving – epically stupid and epically funny and epically ridiculous. Here in all its glory is the play by play recap!
- This movie starts with a nipple shot – how on earth can it be bad?
- Wait, did Pilgrim women not wear shirts? Nobody ever told me they were nudists, dammit.
- That turkey just said “Nice tits, bitch.” I love this movie so much.
- I am so naming my kids General Bastard and Wanda Lust.
- Since when do kids get so excited about Thanksgiving they start ripping their clothes off?
- He just referred to his bicep as a Weapon of Mass Destruction…
- I’m fairly certain this is set in Alabama just from the characters.
- Lassie dog!!!
- Oh yeah. This is SO set in Alabama. Just waiting for the rebel flag to pop up at this point…
- “What’s poon??” *sighs*
- Cheesiest flashback in the history of cinema, wow.
- “I’m going to go skinny dipping without any clothes on.” ~Nerdy guy is nerdy and pervy.
- “Allie, you’re kind of a ho. Not gonna lie, you’re kinda skanky.”
- Oh great, Lassie’s pissing on an Indian totem. No way is this going to end well.
- Evil turkey!!
- Uh-oh, RIP Lassie.
- Oh no! The car is breaking down! Now all the teenagers will be in terrible danger.
- Dude, there’s ancient Pilgrim history happening now! In cartoon form! Some Pilgrim pissed off an Indian and now there’s a curse – it’s the killer turkey!! Homicidal turkey fun!
- Turkeyologists?? I suspect that is not a real thing…
- This killer turkey thinks he’s Freddy Krueger with the quips.
- I feel compelled to go out to the backyard, drop to my knees and scream “Damn you turkey, damn you!!!” just like that hillbilly did. It’s the day after Thanksgiving, I think it would be entirely appropriate.
- Did you know turkeys see things in purple and white?
- Nerd boy is totes a future serial killer.
- The turkey scare tactics involve throwing baby bunnies into the fire pit.
- Aw, poor Billy. He’s been reduced to feeling up his own boobs. And now he’s waking up to a hillbilly with a shotgun and turkey droppings on his chest. This is SO not Billy’s day.
- Wait – nobody died camping and they got the car to work the next day. What the hell kind of movie is this??
- WTF?? WTF?? Why did some dude just see killer turkey on the side of the road, pull over to pick him up and then try to screw him? What world do these people live in where they pick up hitchhiking turkeys??
- Whoever wrote this seems to have an obsession with Jon Benet Ramsey.
- Oh Johnny, it can’t be good when you ask your dad a question and he farts in reply. He really does hate you for being pushed back to second string quarterback.
- ……………….okay, sorry, I had to pick myself up from where I just fell onto the floor laughing………..
- Ah, sex fully clothed, of course.
- Oh c’mon. I do NOT need to see turkey/human sex. What the hell Thankskilling? Why the hell do I always end up watching movies with shit like this in them? Why the hell are there SO many of them?
- Gravy flavored condom *shudders*
- Hide yo wife, hide yo kids, y’all.
- Scooby gang moment – they’re headed to check out some books to find out how to beat the baddie!
- Why is everyone acting like a talking turkey is perfectly normal? Why is this man dressed as a turkey? Why is the turkey having coffee with this guy and discussing the weather?
- These people are clearly living in an alternate universe where everyone is an IDIOT.
- Turkey’s gone all Leatherface.
- Oh hells yeah, book reading montage with hip hop music. EPIC.
- To kill the turkey they must FIRST solve a mathematical code. Math bores Billy.
- “I know we took the Indians’ land but we gave them casinos, doesn’t that make up for it?” *facepalm*
- No, Johnny, things definitely will never be the same again, not even if you defeat the killer turkey.
- To defeat the turkey you must burn it at the stake and chant a demonic prayer backwards, in unison. THAT is what the mathematical code said.
- How did the turkey get the ability to turn itself into a cartoon turkey dinner to entice Billy? Native American’s did NOT have cartoons, y’all. No way did the necromancer throw that shiz into the curse.
- I HATE Nerd Boy. I LOVE Killer Turkey.
- Oh there’s a killer turkey/Billy love song!!!
- After a long day of killing, there’s nothing killer turkeys like more than a nice salad.
- Yay Hillbilly! Way to shoot that turkey!
- Hey, just because like 10 people died tonight is NO reason we should call the police or anything. Instead let’s go watch a movie, eat popcorn and hang out with Kristen’s dead dad.
- Oh dayum, Hillbilly shot Killer Turkey into a dumpster that was full of RADIOACTIVE WASTE!!! Radioactive Killer Turkey is pecking Nerd Boy to death. Oh and he’s glowing green.
- That’s right Nerd Boy, follow your bestie Billy into that white light. No turkeys in heaven.
- Turkeys like killing people with easily found kitchen objects. The more you know…
- That’s so convenient that there was a pile of sticks RIGHT THERE for the flaming turkey to fly into!
- And now, the Last Girl Standing enjoys a fine turkey meal.
- Who has one turkey, one bowl of stuffing and one pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving? We had enough food to feed an army yesterday.
- Oh noes! Turkey dinner has jumped off the plate yelling, “Do I smell a sequel??”
And there you have it! So sit back and enjoy an extra helping of turkey!
Not to be confused with the Chris Farley movie, Black Sheep (Unrated) is quite possibly the comedy of the year (that year being 2007). Horror movie or not, the hilarity in this one does not stop and it’s oh so quotable which I just love in a movie. One of my most favorite exchanges here:
“Actually, it was more like a sperm sample…”
*giggles* It’s fun to try to work that into conversation.
Hailing from New Zealand and bringing us some fresh new territory in the form of were-sheep, this is a cautionary tale against genetic engineering. Our hero (who incidentally after growing up on a sheep farm, has a phobia of sheep) returns home to sell his part of the farm to his brother who has been raising sheep on it this whole time. Unfortunately (or rather, fortunately for us), it turns out that his brother (who is oh so deliciously evil and slimy) has been doing experiments on the sheep, trying to create a perfect specimen. Of course the experiments go horribly wrong and the next thing you know you’ve got sheep attacking and eating humans who then turn into gigantic sheep themselves.
I know, I know, it sounds incredibly cheesy (and I guess it is a little) but more importantly it’s HILARIOUS. And disgusting. There are some definite gory blood and guts shots so this isn’t so much for the weak stomached crowd.
If you’re looking for a bit of a different horror comedy, definitely check this one out!
Today was supposed to be a review of The Sinful Dwarf but apparently the universe has decided I shouldn’t watch this movie because it’s making it really, really hard for me to find and watch. So I am sooooo sorry, theipc!!! I’m sincerely hoping to have the movie in hand in time to watch and review for Friday!
I really don’t have the words to describe my overwhelming adoration of Ginger Snaps but I’ll try. This is without a doubt my favorite werewolf movie of all time and it’s the only one I’ve seen (though there are probably more) that link a woman’s monthly curse to lycanthropy. Starring Katharine Isabelle (LOVE!!) and Emily Perkins, the movie is a dark, violent, sexy fun good time.
Ginger (Isabelle) and Brigitte (Perkins) are an unusually close pair of sisters who live by the mantra “Out by sixteen or dead on the scene, but together forever.” Gloriously goth (I think it was still called goth in this era), the sisters do all sorts of fun things like creating gruesome death scenes and taking photos or playing “Search and Destroy” at school (pick out a person and describe how they’ll die). The Fitzgerald girls have some issues.
On the eve of her first period, Ginger gets bitten by a werewolf and starts to undergo some….unusual changes, while Brigitte races to find a way to cure her of her newfound sexin’, partyin’, killin’ and eatin’ people tendencies (which is mostly achieved by hanging out with the school druggie – dude’s smarter than your average pothead!) during which time Ginger slips further and further away from her sister. Seriously, this movie has everything. Family drama, werewolves, gothiness to the core. And the best part? It’s the first of a trilogy. While this one is fine as a standalone, the other two aren’t terrible to watch at all. They don’t compare but they’re nice little bonuses in the Fitzgerald story. Oh!! And Mimi Rogers plays their mom. You may know her as Tom Cruise’s first wife.
If you’re not already enticed into watching this (and seriously I don’t understand how that could be except for how I can’t seem to truly find the words for this epicness), I leave you with some awesome quotes and the trailer:
The fuck, B. This is your idea. If you don’t like your ideas, stop having them.
A girl can only be a slut, a bitch, a tease, or the virgin next door.
I get this ache… And I, I thought it was for sex, but it’s to tear everything to fucking pieces.
It’s fairly safe to say that I pretty much LOVED The Terror Within. It’s amazingly cheesetastic (thank you 1989!) dystopia with a dash of fun.
The story starts with a group of people in a bunker – there’s only a handful because it seems most of humanity was wiped out by something only vaguely referenced as “the accident”. There are other groups of people out there (one of the issues this group faces is that their radio contact goes out another bunker) but it’s not really explained why these people aren’t just living together in one big bunker society. A couple of the group are out scavenging on the surface for food and supplies (living up top is a big NO NO!) and get attacked. So of course another couple of people go out to find them and boy are they all careless and tra-la-la about the fact that at any given moment they could die due to the BIG BAD that is of yet only peripherally mentioned. Seriously, they’re laughing and joking and just enjoying being in the sunshine. They KNOW that two of their peeps just died – what is wrong with these people?
While out, they find a camp that’s pretty much been ripped to shreds along with the people that were in it (this totally puts a damper on their frolicking). They also discover a survivor, a beautiful woman who is terrified of them and whatever’s after her. They convince/kidnap her to take her back to Bunker Land all the while exclaiming over how neat it is they found her since people can’t live on the surface anymore. Once back at BL, they run tests on her and care for her injuries only to find out that she’s PREGNANT!!!! Seems pregnancy is a thing of the past also, that or just really rare. But uh-oh…when they brought her in she was three months pregnant but now, 20 minutes later she’s six months pregnant! *cue spooky evil music* Wanna know why? Because THIS is the daddy!
WTF? See this is why people have to live underground in Bunker Land. These things (which are oddly and to me hilariously called “Gargoyles”) are a result of “the accident”. Not sure what they were doing before but now they’re running around impregnating any woman they can get their hands…paws…um..you get the idea…on. NOT PRETTY.
What follows is a straight up Alien rip-off, complete with baby gargoyle ripping it’s way out of it’s mother’s stomach and a battle for survival within the confines of the bunker. Who lives, who dies? Can these people ever go up top again? How can these things spawn interspecies’lly? Is interspecies’lly a real word??
The best part? There’s a second one! Yay!! It’s not on Netflix streaming so I haven’t watched it yet but I am very excited about this. Full of nudity, blood and silliness, this is definitely a good way to pass the time!