Category Archives: American Indie
Hansel & Gretel
Fuck yeah, Asylum!! Hansel & Gretel
No, for realz, we’re teenagers. Totes.
So above we have Hansel & Gretel, who are like, totally teenagers, y’all. Gretel works at the local bakery called “The Gingerbread House” (ha! get it??) where Lilith serves up the best meat pies around. And we all know what happens when meat pies are involved, right, kiddies? I mean, we all did see Sweeney Todd, yeah? No?…. Anywho. H&G’s mom died at some point and Hansel feels really guilty about that (although I couldn’t ever figure out WHY – like maybe there was a car wreck when she was coming to pick him up or something?) but she’s been gone long enough that Gretel mentions not being able to remember her as well as she should. Well, good old Pops has been seeing this religious chick named Ruby for like a month or something and now they’re getting married. Hansel, being the whiny little asshat he is, starts yelling and crying and runs off into the woods in anger. Okay, I totally made that crying part up but still. Gretel gives chase to try to talk some sense into her idiot twin brother when whoopsie, he steps into a conveniently placed bear trap. Ouch.
Don’t worry, hon. Lilith will fix that nasty little boo boo up right quick.
The only place around ends up being Lilith’s from “The Gingerbread House” and Lilith is totes a sweetie so of course she bandages that wound up and feeds Hansel all the pastries in the world and then some “special” candy that she takes for her glaucoma. *giggles* Next thing you know, Hansel’s fast asleep and Lilith’s all, “Oh just stay here tonight, kiddies.” Then she gives Gretel some “magic” tea that knocks Gretel right the hell out. This is the point where I started to be wary of Lilith’s intentions here, just sayin’.
Lalala, chores instead of leaving the house for the hospital for my brother, tralalala….
The next morning Gretel wakes up to find her brother gone with an explanation of a neighbor having taken him to the hospital. Why doesn’t she leave straightaway? Well, the woods are dangerous, y’all, she might as well wait for that neighbor to come back for her. In the meantime, might as well help Lilith out with a few chores, right? Hansel wakes up to an entirely different scenario – one where he’s locked in a dungeon with three other teens who tell him that they’re being fattened up to be cooked later on. Hansel isn’t the brightest crayola in the box so he kinda just goes, ‘Huh, what? Oh pastries! Oh wait, don’t eat those!” And this is about the time we meet these fellows…
Damn right, Mommie Dearest has kids!
Awww, just look at those adorable twinsies. And after this comes some back story about Lilith losing a daughter and being 800 million years old and then everyone’s running around trying not to get cooked and those big dudes go all Leatherface on people and there’s a cop (and the killer exchange of: Gretel – “You shot the sheriff!!” Lilith – “Oh, I shot the deputy too.” Totes brills) and Pops and Ruby show up and there’s a lot of weird stuff that makes you think Ruby is actually Lilith’s daughter but no, that’s totes trickster and then well, ya know…it’s Hansel & Gretel – we kind of know where this is going.
I WANTED you to be my daughter, you bitch! We’re just alike, you know!
Seriously, this is by far, the best Asylum flick I’ve seen. Dee Wallace is KILLER with her witchy psychotic granny portrayal (and you know, that’s really what makes this movie cause the other actors I could take or leave). There’s one scene where Hansel starts to eat himself because he is so delicious (insert raunchy jokes here) that was super fun and not as fake as the usual Asylum stuff is and another girl getting sliced and diced with this crazy wires also works out really well. Of course we have our moments where Ruby is dead but moving, the cops are at the top of the idiot food chain and it’s ridiculous to think Lilith who has been doing this for years now just woke up and thought to herself, “Welll, gosh darnit, I’m gonna have me those twins even if I have to take the whole town down to do it.” Seriously, WTF, Lilith? *sighs*
If you love The Asylum, you definitely have to check this one out!
Freak Dance
Guys…guys, guys, guys…I really am not quite sure what to say about Freak Dance
Let’s start here…
We open on a young girl dressed as a ballerina dancing around her room in her mansion (and when I say young I mean 20 something). Cocolonia, as she’s called, wants to dance more than anything but her mother has forbidden it. So Cocolonia runs away to the streets to become a true street dancer, even though technically she can never be because she comes from money and has never smoked marijuana. Okay?
Then we have two street dance groups who are mortal enemies – Fantaseez and Dazzles. Fantaseez people are all about the love of the dance and dancing for love while Dazzles group is about dancing for sex. Also the main leader of Dazzles was, I’m fairly certain, either Richard Simmons or Perez Hilton…With Fantaseez, you get a lot of quotes about dancing like, “Learning to read is what dancing is all about.” or “Staying away from drugs is what dancing is all about”. There’s also A LOT of talk about dance bulges and how they help enable balance. Oh and there’s singing, did I mention the singing yet??
So Cocolonia joins up with Fantaseez and after they teach her how to work her ass (no, really), she kind of sort of becomes a member and starts to fall in love with their leader, Funky Bunch. Also there’s a scene in a slaughterhouse when she’s trying to learn to be poor.
“Just look at his dance bulge!!”
Of course there’s an underground dance competition that turns into a freak dance off in an effort to save Fantaseez meeting place from being shut down by a building inspector who has ulterior motives and also the FBI is involved…or the CIA…I forget which. So the question is, can Fantaseez be saved? Will Dazzles convince Cocolonia to become a sex dancer? Who can outfreak the other?? Do you think it’s possible I could tweet Amy Poehler and actually score an interview with her about her motivations for being in this movie???
Okay, I kind of loved it. It’s not for everyone, hell, it’s really not for the majority of people and I think there’s maybe one person reading this who might enjoy it. But seriously, it’s kind of brilliant. No, really…
The Hit Girl
Got this little gem from co-writer and director James Ward this past week and finally had the chance to sit down and give it a go. What’s the verdict for this wacky body switch adventure? Read on…
THE HIT GIRL tells the story of a hit man named Bill, who while on a mission encounters a magical statue that transforms him into a teenage girl. Renamed Jessica by his timid, movie quoting niece Suzy, ‘she’ must now rely on Suzy’s help in dealing with both the problems that come with being a teenage girl, and completing ‘her’ latest assignment. A job made that much more difficult now that Jessica stands at 4’11″ and weighs under a hundred pounds. How will she be able survive a gang of armed gunmen, when she now finds herself being easily bullied by a group of catty teenage girls? Will Bill ever get his life back or will ‘she’ be stuck as Jessica forever?
This dude’s life is about to drastically change…
So we open with a box with a pentagram carved into it and a dagger and some chanting and I get all excited going, “Dude! There’s supernatural stuff in this?? SWEET!!!” and then we pan back to a table full of guys playing Dungeons & Dragons. A bit of a disappointment but also hilarious. Oh movie, you so got me! The supernatural stuff was being done by the noob who is playing Game Master (should that be capitalized??) and really the other guys playing are kind of too cute to be sitting around playing D&D. Then the pizza guy shows up (Pirate Pizza to be exact – ARRGHHH!!!) and all hell breaks loose. Cause pizza guy isn’t a pizza guy at all – he’s the dude in the pic above who is really a secret operative going around capturing and killing people. He’s also searching for the perfect catchphrase while he does so – he’s no quipper like Buffy Summers but he’s trying his best, y’all.
After his little pizza mission, he calls his sis and arranges to have dinner with her and his niece the next night.
How awesome am I? Oh, only pretty f’ing kickawesome is all!
That’s his niece and she rocks my socks, y’all. She is a bona fide movie quoting geek of the best kind. She’s throwing out shiz left and right from all genres and eras. Plus she’s the only one who knows that her uncle has turned into a chick and she handles that news pretty well.
What happens next? Typical teenage shenanigans, a group of mean girls, a gang of men who are kidnapping girls for sex trade, the usual. But it’s all done with just the right amount of funny and surprisingly little nudity, gratuitous violence or language. Kind of refreshing to see.
*sighs* School girl…
Not gonna lie, there are a few moments that are completely implausible and a few that are kind of ridic but it’s all good fun and it’s all well done and I kind of loved it. And this coming from a girl who isn’t a huge fan of the body switching genre. If you’re looking for a cute comedy done right, definitely give this one a go. You can find it at the link at the top plus photos and more!
Sand Sharks
A couple of quickies before we start our feature presentation -
Did you all listen to the last Lambcast the other day? If not, you might hear someone you know on it…Plus you get to hear the final nominees for the LAMMY’S!
Secondly, just came across this Indiegogo for a really cool looking horror film called Truth or Dare starring Scream Queen Jessica Cameron (AND it’s also her directorial debut). Looks like it might be something a lot of you guys would dig so maybe check it out and support some indie horror! 
And now for the main event…..
So yeah. Sand Sharks
- Are you allowed to ride dirt bikes on the beach?
- Um…I don’t think sharks do that…or look like that…
- Oh man, is this the Jersey shore because that is one serious guido. Or porn star. Kind of hard to tell.
- Apparently you can NOT ride your dirt bike on the beach or so says the sheriff 500 TIMES.
- Obviously a coyote ripped the biker’s head off. Totes.
- This guido/porn star makes me want to go take a shower.
- Brooke Hogan!! Why does she have an acting career and I don’t??
- Why is Brooke Hogan always in shark movies?
- Ohhhhhhh, this guy buried in the sand up to his head is not going to last long I think. Also he’s a whiny little bitch.
- Being buried in the sand is the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened to him – whiny boy has had one boring life apparently.
- “Ow. Ow.” so that’s how you react when a sand shark starts to eat you.
- I LOVE THIS INTERN. She just said “hella”. Any second she’s gonna break out the “TOTES”!!
- Please tell me that deputy is NOT Jewel Staite.
- “You expect thousands of college students to sleep in tents?” Has this woman ever MET a college student?
- Okay, so the last time guido/porn star threw a party 15 people died. Obviously he should NOT be throwing another party…
- Also the sand shark has finally been sighted by people! I mean, other than the people that have been eaten.
- Did I mention that guido/porn star is throwing a “rager” called “Sand Man”? That’s the opposing story line here.
- I think this movie is stealing from “Jaws”…
- I…what? There’s a crusty old fisherman who’s stepping up to catch the sand shark…and he talks like Popeye….
- Um, sheriff? Brooke Hogan is like half your age if not more so. Stop hitting on her now. You’re being totes creepster.
- Looks like crusty old fisherman wasn’t really up to the task of catching the sand shark – the sand shark that attacked in WATER.
- Guido/porn star just referred to himself as “Big Daddy” – that is how I shall refer to him from now on too.
- Big Daddy is ignoring all warnings of sand sharks (of course) so I imagine more than 15 people are going to die this time.
- OH snap. Not just a sand shark but a dino tiger sand shark!
- The sand dino tiger shark just ate the power cord that was laying on the beach – the gigantic power cord that seems to control the power to the whole town.
- Now it’s night…now it’s day…now it’s night…who needs continuity?
- So much melodrama for a movie of this nature!
- Brooke Hogan is trapped by the sand shark!! Creepster sheriff is going to try to save her!
- Wow, that was anticlimatic. Sand sharks are slow.
- There are so many idiots in this movie. I’ve lost count.
- Okay, that was by far the funniest moment from Big Daddy and it was after his dad got eaten.
- WHOA!! Sand shark just got all blown up with electricity and now the entire world is without power!
- Big Daddy is obviously bi-polar. One second he’s crying, the next he’s ranting, then he’s manic – it’s like me on a bad day.
- I never understood the appeal of spring break. Does that make me weird?
- Ew, she just licked his face – out of nowhere. That was gross.
- Hahahahaaaaa!!!!!! Way to make fun of yourself, movie!
- “Are you serious right now??” “As a heart attack…or shark attack…”
- Oooohhhh, intern, I liked you before but I like you even better now for knocking that guy out to get ahead.
- And literally throwing that dude to the shark? Bitch, you rule.
- Are you freaking kidding me, there’s 30 minutes of this movie left??
- One for my homies, one for me. These people know how to party.
- BAD BAD tan, orange girl. BAD.
- Never show your boobs to a shark made of sand because then a sand shark will eat you. Just ponder that for a moment.
- Nobody knows how to run in this movie. Why??
- Now there’s like 800 million sand sharks!!
- I don’t think guns work on sand sharks.
- I really just like saying sand sharks again and again.
- Holy FUCK they just killed off someone that I wasn’t expecting!! I can’t believe the movie got me!
- Also intestines cannot really go back in the body once they’re out.
- Being stoned during a sand shark attack is not helpful to anyone.
- Grizzly fisherman is back! I totes thought he was dead!
- So those 30 extras represented thousands of teenagers?
- WHAT??? Okay, the plan is to lure the sand sharks up the beach, then melt the sand with electricity. What could possibly go wrong?
- Seriously, this movie just keeps getting funnier and funnier. They’re playing Sousa to lure the sharks to the beach so they can electrify/melt them. (At least I think it’s Sousa).
- So electricity means a flame thrower…gotcha…
- WTF??? *giggles*
- I really think she actually just said “Eat this, you sand of a bitch.”
- Oh thank goodness, it’s over. Where is that whiskey I bought earlier??
Bikini Bandits Experience (NSFW – SO NSFW, NSF Anything Really)
Okay, guys – here we go! I have NO idea how I’ve never come across Bikini Bandits Experience
There’s this…
There’s a couple of visits to Amish country…
Corey Feldman, y’all, Corey Feldman…
We got Satan, folks!
OH! OH!! Almost forgot this guy!
And can’t forget these two because yeah, this happened.
So what else? Well, here’s a handy list:
- Dwarf
- Penis Laser
- Amish Porn
- Devirginizing the Virgin Mary
- Corey Feldman dancing
- Spanking
- Bondage Gear
The only thing this movie is lacking is Japanese schoolgirls, no lie.
So yeah, you’re welcome. 
House of Fears
*Before we start, if you haven’t yet checked out Guerrilla Graffiti, you definitely should! There is so much awesome happening there it’s almost overwhelming. Two examples: FALLEN (by me!) and “It’s a ‘Listen to the Beatles on Vinyl in Headphones’ Kind of Night”.*
I’m 95% certain the only reason I added House of Fears 
There’s nothing new when it comes to House of Fears – it’s the typical “teens sneak into an abandoned fun house for teenage sexy shenanigans when an ancient evil awakens and preys upon them” sort of gag but where others have been able to make this plot into something ridiculously hilarious, House of Fears manages to do a not half bad job of making a decent movie. As by the numbers as it may be, the actors don’t totally suck, the script tried it’s best to add layers and the evil clown when it did finally show up was effing terrifying. I also rather enjoyed the use of scarecrows happening here. Not enough evil scarecrows in the world – I can only think of like 4 other movies of the top of my head.
We’re pretty so of course we’re going to die!
What we’ve got here are: the adorable couple that can’t keep their hands off of each other, two stepsisters who aren’t fond of each other and the dude the stepsisters are fighting over (okay, really it’s actually less melodramatic than that – one girl doesn’t like her stepsister, the other sister is kind of ambivalent about the whole thing and it’s the dude that’s trying to get them to fight over him). Still we’ve got our stereotypes (and there’s a prankster around, he’s just not in this photo). We’ve got a funhouse of fears that has a handful of classic phobias and a monkey statue! I almost forgot about that monkey statue – that’s the big KEY TO IT ALL in this. AND there’s power tools! Kind of a smorgasbord really.
And of course there’s this guy.
So what I’m really trying to say here, while using a lot of words to say nothing at all, is mostly that I’m sleepy but other than that I’m saying I wouldn’t recommend you go out of your way to hunt this one down but if you happen to come across it one rainy day, it’s not a bad way to pass the time.
Snow Beast
First things first, thank you and welcome to all my new followers! Seriously, where did you all come from?? One thing you’ll quickly learn about me is that I’m a terrible blogger (no idea who gave me this job in the first place…) who is quite bad at updating due to a whole lot of factors so I apologize in advance. I’m trying to improve, for reals.
Secondly, I seem to have been nominated for a LAMMY (thanks to Tyson for pointing that out to me because I had no clue). No idea how that happened but thank you to whomever or whatever got me there – it’s so greatly appreciated!! I believe it’s common protocol to beg for votes so if you’d like to vote for me as…um…Best Horror Blog, I think…oh dear, I don’t even know if that’s right…*sighs*…well, that would also be greatly appreciated! You must be a LAMB and you can go vote for me HERE. And thank you!!!!
Now on to the main event – Snow Beast – warning, there will be spoilers ahead so if you were, like, super excited to see this please read no further.
*WARNING – SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!*
Ah….where to start with Snow Beast
What we have here is a creature feature of the most highlarious kind. We have DAD, DAUGHTER who hates DAD and has been expelled from school for fighting, FEMALE potential love interest and ROB, token other male otherwise referred to here on out as WIMP BOY. DAD heads a research team who annually go out to the middle of Canada to track Canadian Lynx (apparently that is a job people have). Since DAUGHTER has been expelled from school, she’s forced to come with this year, whining and moaning the whole way. Jason London plays a ranger who is concerned about an unusual amount of people disappearing in the snowy Canadian wilderness as of late and who has a boss (I think it’s his boss?) who doesn’t like the cold (WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO LIVE IN CANADA??).
The happy research team
The majority of the movie is as follows:
DAUGHTER: Why, oh why must I be tortured like this? I can’t even get a phone signal here in the wilderness!
DAD: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten expelled from school then.
DAUGHTER: I hate you because Mom left! (turning to WIMP BOY) Wow, you’re, like, so HOT!
FEMALE: Where are all the lynxes this year?
WIMP BOY: *falls over his own feet*
OMG, SNOW BEAST!!!
THEN this guy shows up – he’s been not only eating the lynxes BUT all the people too! Dude, y’all! He destroys our research team’s snowmobiles and runs around being a jerk. Our team decides they must get the HELL outta there but FEMALE is all “But he’s eating the lynxes! We need to get documentation or no one will believe us and then everyone else will come in and steal our glory!” Silly FEMALE. She of course goes and gets herself killed. MALE is cranky because his potential girlfriend got all dead and stuff so he heads out to…catch the Snow Beast? Not really sure but he heads out and gets all kidnapped and stuck in a snow cave for later consumption which leaves WIMP BOY alone with DAUGHTER for a night defending themselves in their log cabin from the Snow Beast which goes a little like this:
DAUGHTER: OMG, we’re gonna die!!
WIMP BOY: Yeah, probably…
DAUGHTER: You’re supposed to the brave one!!
WIMP BOY: Why?
DAUGHTER: So I’m not scared!! I wish my dad was here.
WIMP BOY: Me too. He’s super brave and shiz.
And then later on:
DAUGHTER: What am I supposed to do if dad’s dead? I go home and then what?…
WIMP BOY: Eh, you’ll figure something out Orphan Girl.
And then comes the awesome ending that involves dragging raw food on a garbage can lid to lure Snow Beast out (of course WIMP BOY makes the DAUGHTER carry this) so they can shoot the Snow Beast full of tranquilizers and try to save MALE from the snow cave. The best part EVER?? MALE is still alive, WIMP BOY and DAUGHTER grab him and THEN MALE and DAUGHTER run for their lives leaving WIMP BOY to his doom. *giggles* I’m watching and am like, “What the hell? You people suck!” Totes brill.
The Smalls Family
This isn’t even a review – this is just me sharing something that I find hilarious and AMAZEBALLS. ENJOY!!!!
THE SMALLS FAMILY is an experimental comedy based on the timeless lyrics of THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.
Biggie Smalls is considered by most to be one the great lyricists in the history of hip-hop music. His untimely death on March 9 , 1997 changed the face of hip-hop and left a legacy behind that has yet to be duplicated.
In the past, many great works of classic writers and poets have been reinterpreted over the years…most notably the works of Shakespeare.
In similar nature THE SMALLS FAMILY strives to pay homage to Biggie’s incomparable language….while refreshing it to a new audience.
The Devil’s Carnival
If you hated Repo! The Genetic Opera
The premise is three people die and they all wind up in Hell. From there we get three of Aesop’s Fables (another reason I loved this – fairy tales and mythology may be my big two things but I’m also a fan of Aesop!): The Scorpion and the Frog, Grief and His Due and The Dog and Its Reflection. Add to that the carnival setting, the quirky and sometimes frightening characters plus the stage and theatre setting and this girl was in love at first glance.
What’s NOT to love about this guy and his plastic hair??
And here’s the whole carnival crew!
There’s a lot of the same actors in this that were also in Repo – Alex Vega, Paul Sorvino, Bill Moseley, Nivek Ogre. I didn’t even notice Vega was here until I saw her name in the credits, then I had to google to find out which character she was. This also only clocks in at 55 minutes so it’s kind of something light and airy to have on while you’re doing other stuff…and by light and airy, I mean kind of morbid and grotesque…eh, we all have our own definitions for stuff. No nudity or sex to be found here (well, there’s a naked woman who is whipped during one of the songs but they don’t really show anything other than her back), just good clean devilish fun, so enjoy!
Starting From Scratch
This is a film I recently reviewed for Rogue and I loved it so very much that I’m doing the rare non-horror, non-B and below movie review here as well!
I recently had the great pleasure of attending the New Jersey Film Fest at Rutgers University where the film STARTING FROM SCRATCH was playing. I also had the great pleasure of meeting the writer/director, James Huang, who I kid you not might just be the nicest guy on the face of the planet. Seriously, dude was very cool. I also briefly met his wife, Elizabeth Sandy, who co-stars in this film with him.
STARTING FROM SCRATCH is a romantic comedy with a bit of twist – mostly because while it technically is a rom-com, it’s about breaking up, not getting together and there’s the added bonus of there being an IRS audit thrown in. Jake and Ally are both actors who keep repeatedly running into each other at auditions and castings. Before long they’ve fallen in love and have gotten married. Fast track to a year later, where they’re sitting on a therapist’s couch in the midst of a divorce all while being audited by the IRS over a movie they made together that was as Jake puts it “misunderstood”. What follows is an exploration of what happens when financial stress helps to ruin a marriage and what happens in the aftermath of falling out of love.
This happens quite a bit throughout the film…
The film is brilliantly hysterical. I laughed, the whole audience at the film fest was laughing, the entire way through. My personal favorite lines? As Jake is taking out the recycling, a man walks up to him and hands him an envelope and says, “You’ve been served.” to which Jake replies, “Um…so do you like kill me now or do we start break dancing?”. *giggles* As a fan of all dance movies ever made, that was the best thing ever in my book. But the rest of the movie is just as quotable and completely randomly hilarious at times. Jake’s best friend, played by Charles Kim, is a standout – there is nothing his character says that didn’t make me giggle. And Billy Beck as True, the yoga teacher? Yeah…I totally dated that guy in college – one scene in particular was so entirely like a real life moment when I was 18 that I almost completely lost it with the giggling. And that’s the thing, y’all, every character in this film is relatable. You know them and that’s what makes this film so great.
Yep, I so dated this dude in college!
The other thing that makes it’s so great is it’s honesty. It covers all the steps after a breakup from the anger to the denial to the “we’ll get back together, I just know it” to the awkward attempts at rebound sex to the acceptance that it didn’t work. After the film played, there was a Q&A and an audience member asked James and Elizabeth if they had thought about having a different ending than they did. Their reply was that they wanted the movie to be able to say that it’s okay when things don’t always work out.
I’m not a fan of romantic comedies ever. I avoid them like the plague but this is one of the best rom-coms I’ve ever seen and so far this year, I’d go as far as to say it’s one of the best movies of the year. I cannot recommend this movie enough. If you want to find out what all the fuss is about and why you should be watching this movie NOW, head on over to the STARTING FROM SCRATCH website to find out where it’s playing next!
