Category Archives: American Cinema
Hansel & Gretel
Fuck yeah, Asylum!! Hansel & Gretel
No, for realz, we’re teenagers. Totes.
So above we have Hansel & Gretel, who are like, totally teenagers, y’all. Gretel works at the local bakery called “The Gingerbread House” (ha! get it??) where Lilith serves up the best meat pies around. And we all know what happens when meat pies are involved, right, kiddies? I mean, we all did see Sweeney Todd, yeah? No?…. Anywho. H&G’s mom died at some point and Hansel feels really guilty about that (although I couldn’t ever figure out WHY – like maybe there was a car wreck when she was coming to pick him up or something?) but she’s been gone long enough that Gretel mentions not being able to remember her as well as she should. Well, good old Pops has been seeing this religious chick named Ruby for like a month or something and now they’re getting married. Hansel, being the whiny little asshat he is, starts yelling and crying and runs off into the woods in anger. Okay, I totally made that crying part up but still. Gretel gives chase to try to talk some sense into her idiot twin brother when whoopsie, he steps into a conveniently placed bear trap. Ouch.
Don’t worry, hon. Lilith will fix that nasty little boo boo up right quick.
The only place around ends up being Lilith’s from “The Gingerbread House” and Lilith is totes a sweetie so of course she bandages that wound up and feeds Hansel all the pastries in the world and then some “special” candy that she takes for her glaucoma. *giggles* Next thing you know, Hansel’s fast asleep and Lilith’s all, “Oh just stay here tonight, kiddies.” Then she gives Gretel some “magic” tea that knocks Gretel right the hell out. This is the point where I started to be wary of Lilith’s intentions here, just sayin’.
Lalala, chores instead of leaving the house for the hospital for my brother, tralalala….
The next morning Gretel wakes up to find her brother gone with an explanation of a neighbor having taken him to the hospital. Why doesn’t she leave straightaway? Well, the woods are dangerous, y’all, she might as well wait for that neighbor to come back for her. In the meantime, might as well help Lilith out with a few chores, right? Hansel wakes up to an entirely different scenario – one where he’s locked in a dungeon with three other teens who tell him that they’re being fattened up to be cooked later on. Hansel isn’t the brightest crayola in the box so he kinda just goes, ‘Huh, what? Oh pastries! Oh wait, don’t eat those!” And this is about the time we meet these fellows…
Damn right, Mommie Dearest has kids!
Awww, just look at those adorable twinsies. And after this comes some back story about Lilith losing a daughter and being 800 million years old and then everyone’s running around trying not to get cooked and those big dudes go all Leatherface on people and there’s a cop (and the killer exchange of: Gretel – “You shot the sheriff!!” Lilith – “Oh, I shot the deputy too.” Totes brills) and Pops and Ruby show up and there’s a lot of weird stuff that makes you think Ruby is actually Lilith’s daughter but no, that’s totes trickster and then well, ya know…it’s Hansel & Gretel – we kind of know where this is going.
I WANTED you to be my daughter, you bitch! We’re just alike, you know!
Seriously, this is by far, the best Asylum flick I’ve seen. Dee Wallace is KILLER with her witchy psychotic granny portrayal (and you know, that’s really what makes this movie cause the other actors I could take or leave). There’s one scene where Hansel starts to eat himself because he is so delicious (insert raunchy jokes here) that was super fun and not as fake as the usual Asylum stuff is and another girl getting sliced and diced with this crazy wires also works out really well. Of course we have our moments where Ruby is dead but moving, the cops are at the top of the idiot food chain and it’s ridiculous to think Lilith who has been doing this for years now just woke up and thought to herself, “Welll, gosh darnit, I’m gonna have me those twins even if I have to take the whole town down to do it.” Seriously, WTF, Lilith? *sighs*
If you love The Asylum, you definitely have to check this one out!
Freak Dance
Guys…guys, guys, guys…I really am not quite sure what to say about Freak Dance
Let’s start here…
We open on a young girl dressed as a ballerina dancing around her room in her mansion (and when I say young I mean 20 something). Cocolonia, as she’s called, wants to dance more than anything but her mother has forbidden it. So Cocolonia runs away to the streets to become a true street dancer, even though technically she can never be because she comes from money and has never smoked marijuana. Okay?
Then we have two street dance groups who are mortal enemies – Fantaseez and Dazzles. Fantaseez people are all about the love of the dance and dancing for love while Dazzles group is about dancing for sex. Also the main leader of Dazzles was, I’m fairly certain, either Richard Simmons or Perez Hilton…With Fantaseez, you get a lot of quotes about dancing like, “Learning to read is what dancing is all about.” or “Staying away from drugs is what dancing is all about”. There’s also A LOT of talk about dance bulges and how they help enable balance. Oh and there’s singing, did I mention the singing yet??
So Cocolonia joins up with Fantaseez and after they teach her how to work her ass (no, really), she kind of sort of becomes a member and starts to fall in love with their leader, Funky Bunch. Also there’s a scene in a slaughterhouse when she’s trying to learn to be poor.
“Just look at his dance bulge!!”
Of course there’s an underground dance competition that turns into a freak dance off in an effort to save Fantaseez meeting place from being shut down by a building inspector who has ulterior motives and also the FBI is involved…or the CIA…I forget which. So the question is, can Fantaseez be saved? Will Dazzles convince Cocolonia to become a sex dancer? Who can outfreak the other?? Do you think it’s possible I could tweet Amy Poehler and actually score an interview with her about her motivations for being in this movie???
Okay, I kind of loved it. It’s not for everyone, hell, it’s really not for the majority of people and I think there’s maybe one person reading this who might enjoy it. But seriously, it’s kind of brilliant. No, really…
Hamlet 2
I haven’t done Hamlet 2
If the idea of a song entitled “Rock Me Sexy, Jesus” makes you squirm, don’t watch this movie. On the other hand, if the idea of that same song conjures up thoughts of a warped version of “Godspell”, then at the very least watch the last 20 minutes of this film. Or just watch this clip to get a taste!
“Hamlet 2” started out big and went nowhere. It sold for $10 million to Focus Features at Sundance in 2008, almost beating out the record set by “Little Miss Sunshine” (sold at $10.5 million). Unfortunately, “Hamlet 2” brought in roughly less than half of what it was sold for. It just goes to prove that even if you’re quirky, that doesn’t always equal success.
It’s also unfortunate that it’s not hard to see why “Hamlet 2” did so poorly. Part of it was the hype and the nifty trailers which made the film out to be THE NEXT BIG THING, ergo when people actually watched it, they were more disappointed than if there’d been no hype. Basically it’s two hours of nothing. Now there have been movies that have done nothing well (for example “Empire Records”). But Hamlet 2 failed in its quest. It’s not all bad though.
Amy Poehler, je t’adore!
Dana Marschz (Steve Coogan) is a failed actor turned high school drama teacher who still dreams of hitting the big time. Instead he’s stuck in a dead end town where a total of two students take his class. To satisfy his “creativity”, Marschz stages two person play of movies (such as “Erin Brokavich”). To add to his lackluster life, he is also tormented by a theater reviewer, who appears to be about 9 years old. Doesn’t get much worse than this, folks. Then comes the day when Marschz comes to work only to find his class filled to the brim with students! The movie takes a “Dangerous Minds” turn (in a WAY less serious and dramatic way) and with the school threatening to take away his class (his one reason for living), Marschz writes, directs and produces “Hamlet 2”.
SO MUCH DAMN POTENTIAL!!
So where’s the bad? Part of it is the awkwardness of the movie. It’s not cute awkward like Michael Cera, it’s at times uncomfortably awkward. Scenes drag and you find yourself checking your watch to see how much time has passed only to find that it’s been 10 seconds since you last checked.
And where’s the good? Well, David Arquette has a role where he speaks approximately 10 words. Elisabeth Shue is hilarious as herself. And obviously the best part of all is the staging of “Hamlet 2”, featuring “Rock Me Sexy, Jesus”. It’s a rockin’, irreverent good time!
Up to you, dear reader, which way you’d like to go with this one. It’s no “Terror Toons” but it’s no “Little Miss Sunshine” either.
Snow Beast
First things first, thank you and welcome to all my new followers! Seriously, where did you all come from?? One thing you’ll quickly learn about me is that I’m a terrible blogger (no idea who gave me this job in the first place…) who is quite bad at updating due to a whole lot of factors so I apologize in advance. I’m trying to improve, for reals.
Secondly, I seem to have been nominated for a LAMMY (thanks to Tyson for pointing that out to me because I had no clue). No idea how that happened but thank you to whomever or whatever got me there – it’s so greatly appreciated!! I believe it’s common protocol to beg for votes so if you’d like to vote for me as…um…Best Horror Blog, I think…oh dear, I don’t even know if that’s right…*sighs*…well, that would also be greatly appreciated! You must be a LAMB and you can go vote for me HERE. And thank you!!!!
Now on to the main event – Snow Beast – warning, there will be spoilers ahead so if you were, like, super excited to see this please read no further.
*WARNING – SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!*
Ah….where to start with Snow Beast
What we have here is a creature feature of the most highlarious kind. We have DAD, DAUGHTER who hates DAD and has been expelled from school for fighting, FEMALE potential love interest and ROB, token other male otherwise referred to here on out as WIMP BOY. DAD heads a research team who annually go out to the middle of Canada to track Canadian Lynx (apparently that is a job people have). Since DAUGHTER has been expelled from school, she’s forced to come with this year, whining and moaning the whole way. Jason London plays a ranger who is concerned about an unusual amount of people disappearing in the snowy Canadian wilderness as of late and who has a boss (I think it’s his boss?) who doesn’t like the cold (WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO LIVE IN CANADA??).
The happy research team
The majority of the movie is as follows:
DAUGHTER: Why, oh why must I be tortured like this? I can’t even get a phone signal here in the wilderness!
DAD: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten expelled from school then.
DAUGHTER: I hate you because Mom left! (turning to WIMP BOY) Wow, you’re, like, so HOT!
FEMALE: Where are all the lynxes this year?
WIMP BOY: *falls over his own feet*
OMG, SNOW BEAST!!!
THEN this guy shows up – he’s been not only eating the lynxes BUT all the people too! Dude, y’all! He destroys our research team’s snowmobiles and runs around being a jerk. Our team decides they must get the HELL outta there but FEMALE is all “But he’s eating the lynxes! We need to get documentation or no one will believe us and then everyone else will come in and steal our glory!” Silly FEMALE. She of course goes and gets herself killed. MALE is cranky because his potential girlfriend got all dead and stuff so he heads out to…catch the Snow Beast? Not really sure but he heads out and gets all kidnapped and stuck in a snow cave for later consumption which leaves WIMP BOY alone with DAUGHTER for a night defending themselves in their log cabin from the Snow Beast which goes a little like this:
DAUGHTER: OMG, we’re gonna die!!
WIMP BOY: Yeah, probably…
DAUGHTER: You’re supposed to the brave one!!
WIMP BOY: Why?
DAUGHTER: So I’m not scared!! I wish my dad was here.
WIMP BOY: Me too. He’s super brave and shiz.
And then later on:
DAUGHTER: What am I supposed to do if dad’s dead? I go home and then what?…
WIMP BOY: Eh, you’ll figure something out Orphan Girl.
And then comes the awesome ending that involves dragging raw food on a garbage can lid to lure Snow Beast out (of course WIMP BOY makes the DAUGHTER carry this) so they can shoot the Snow Beast full of tranquilizers and try to save MALE from the snow cave. The best part EVER?? MALE is still alive, WIMP BOY and DAUGHTER grab him and THEN MALE and DAUGHTER run for their lives leaving WIMP BOY to his doom. *giggles* I’m watching and am like, “What the hell? You people suck!” Totes brill.
The Tall Man
So my friend, Gory, came over last night to hang and my roomie decided to hang with us because she’s been sick for a few days and was feeling like shite and he & I were gonna watch movies. We go through my Netflix queue (which you know mostly consists of “sin, deviance, schoolgirls, zombies, T&A!, sinful dwarves” and so on and so forth) but came across this (they both breathed a sigh of relief at the normality of it) and I finally, finally watched The Tall Man
So now I give you my thoughts on The Tall Man
FUCK YOU, TALL MAN, FUCK YOU.
Yeah, so, there it is. That pretty much sums it up. Of course, I’ve had about 12 hours to cool down because if you’d seen me right after I watched this piece of crap…well…Gory couldn’t stop laughing at my pure unadulterated vitriol. Sorry, Gory, some things make me very passionately happy or very passionately angry and this was one of the things that made me very passionately angry. Like almost throwing things angry.
Hi, I’m married to Justin Timberlake.
Look, I have nothing, absolutely NOTHING against Jessica Biel. I think she’s pretty super hot and once upon a time I was totally interested in how her career would turn out. Unfortunately, this is the first thing I’ve seen her in, in AGES (and if she’s done a whole bunch of indie movies that I’m unaware of, please let me know so I can watch them and wash the bad taste of THIS out of my mouth!), and this movie does her absolutely no favors because it’s basically one expression through out. Jessica Biel looks tortured, cries, look tortured again, cries and so on and so forth (okay, I suppose that could count for TWO expressions…). Dear Mrs. Timberlake, you had a somewhat promising career once – if you want to be known ever again as anything other than Justin Timberlake’s wife, please don’t do movies like this. Please do movies where you show a range of emotion, movies that are GOOD. Love, Me.
Even with that whole Silent Hill travesty in my past, Misty still thinks I’m pretty cool.
And this chick was in it and I dig her, even if she was in Silent Hill (another movie I do not love). And Ellen from Supernatural is featured here as well. The cast is good. That’s what makes the whole thing sadder. 
See the thing that made me so cranky was that:
1) I recall this being marketed as a horror movie. This is NOT a horror movie. It’s also not a thriller (oh it tries to fake you out by being a thriller for the first 30 minutes or so but it’s NOT). It’s a drama. In fact, I think my exact words when this was over were – “This is a movie someone made because they wanted to make a commentary on children’s places in society but they didn’t want to go the Christian drama route.” (Please note, I have nothing against Christianity or religion or anything like that when I say “Christian drama”, I’m referencing those movies like Fireproof and anything Kirk Cameron’s in. You know what I’m talking bout, right?)
2) I am all for suspension of disbelief but this movie asks me to push those boundaries WAYYYYY too far. Yes, even further than say believing there’s a sinful dwarf who along with his mother is kidnapping women and sexing them up. I can believe/disbelieve that. But this?? And I can’t say what I’m talking about in case you haven’t seen it because that would equal *SPOILERS* but if you have seen it you know what I’m talking bout right? “Hi, meet my adopted kid! Where did I adopt him from? Shut up, don’t ask questions.” WTF, movie, WTF?? That is one of the most ridiculous things I have seen in ages and I make it a habit to watch ridiculous things.
He’s not in this movie, obviously he is in Phantasm but this image keeps popping up and it’s cool!
So yeah. I hate this movie. I think it was terribly mis-marketed and completely beyond the realms of reality. So what do you guys think? Am I overreacting? Should I just chalk it up to a case of me being tired and having a really bad headache when I watched? Or did you all think it was as bad and anger inducing as I did?
When the Lights Go Out (Behind the Scenes)
We filmed for 9 hours yesterday and got the first episode of “When the Lights Go Out” filmed! It was a super long day and it was super cold but it was AMAZING. My cast and crew are simply the best! Here’s a few pics of behind the scenes and an unedited video.
What are we studying so intently??? You’ll have to watch to find out…
Director/cinematographer/sound girl/Gal Friday EXTRAORDINAIRE!!
“Jordan”
“Tiffany”
“Jordan”, “Savvy” and “Tiffany”
“Harold” and “Tiffany” and the psychic hotline
Coffee breaks are the BEST
“Tiffany” recording her video diary.
“Harold” interfering.
Ghosts are scary, y’all!
Since I didn’t have time yesterday, I’m watching something today and will post it late tonight or tomorrow morning. Yay, Happy Monday, y’all!
Classic Movies Project: Casino
And for my next Classic Movie we have Casino
So if you’re like me and you have yet to see this….I know, I know, doubtful….the long story short is that De Niro works at a casino as the manager or something similar, Pesci is basically a mobster and Stone is a hustler who ends up with De Niro. To be honest, I didn’t understand the entirety of the heisting, down’n'dirty politics of gambling and mobsterdom but I’m pretty sure De Niro and Pesci were skimming from the casino. (Feel free to offer up a lengthier explanation if ya got one! 
) Anyway, heisting, killing, murder, mayhem and then finally it all goes bad (never saw that one coming…no really…).
These two’s like bruddas, heah? (That was a really atrocious attempt at writing mobster…)
My first comment on this? Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me this was so freaking fabulous???? Oh…wait…you did? Seriously loved this movie. I’m pretty sure everything here was complete perfection – the acting (Sharon Stone is fucking amazing in this – such a raw performance – I had no idea she had that in her), the cinematography (from the camera slant when De Niro and Pesci are driving around Vegas to the smoke wafting through the blue light, to the entire red and blue washes in scenes), the costumes (omg, WANT almost all Stone’s outfits!) and of course, THE STORY. Brilliant, just brilliant. Oh and the violence? Impeccable.
This guy’s got a killer headache…
So, what’s the bad? There was none. Absolutely none. Oh, I’m sure on a 3rd or 4th viewing I might start nit-picking but after the first viewing I can only spout adoration.
And the final verdict is – this is a classic I wish I’d watched a helluva lot sooner. I’m fairly certain this is a movie I’ll be able to watch over and over again. Filmmaking like this is truly phenomenal and something that should be done more often. For reals.
Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader
Yeah…so…this is one of those times when I really start to rethink my masochistic nature….any psychologists out there wanna weigh in on why I put myself through shit like this? *sighs*
So yeah, this apparently involved Roger Corman (I know, I know…) and for some reason Treat Williams was here (really Treat??) and well…
She calls everybody a “dumb skank”…
Big girl in a tiny gym…
Sadistic sorority girls…
Oh yeah…this…
Oh hi, Treat – how’s it hangin’?
Soon enough, they’ll both be topless…
So…is it bad that I want to punch everyone involved in this travesty in the face? Normally I enjoy this sort of thing…but no…just no…
*I’m slowly working my way through blog reading – I’m filming the next couple of weeks which is keeping me busy. Also if I owe you a review and haven’t delivered yet, please send me an email and yell at me. I’m slowly making my way through those too.*
Classic Movies Project: The Thing
For my first classic movie I have oddly enough never seen, I went with The Thing
). I’d previously seen the prequel/remake (was it a prequel? Or was it a remake?? Didn’t they bill it as a prequel but it was really just the same thing but with a chick?) and I pretty much dug it but man, was this intense!
I am NOT a fan of THIS.
I assume I can pretty much skip the recap (aliens, y’all – big nasty motherfucking aliens) so I’ll break it down into The Good and The Bad.
THE GOOD:
Dude, Kurt Russell is pretty much the BOMB. And um, oddly kinda of really hot.
Old school makeup and camera tricks beat out CGI pretty much any day of the week. Those aliens were freaky as hell. And seriously, why, oh why do creepy things always have to do the even creepier backwards crab walk thing?? Why??
That one dog near the beginning when the alien first appears – you know when all the dogs are locked in that cell thing – the dog that takes one look at the alien and says, “Fuck this shit.” and starts tearing out the bars so it can escape. That was AWESOME.
Major tension. I was deeply unsettled the whole way through. Like nervous in the pit of my stomach unsettled.
Super gross. I actually got really hungry about halfway through this and kept wanting to go get food but then something incredibly, wickedly disgusting would happen and yeah…food was not an option.
THE BAD:
All those poor puppies! Sad making.
While this left me unsettled, the remake thing actually had me a little scared. No idea what the difference there was except that the backwards crab walking alien was WAYYYY more amped up and dramatic in the remake and it freaked me the hell out. But this didn’t scare me.
I was totally bored throughout the beginning – say the first 30 minutes.
HOT!
So the final verdict? Entirely enjoyable. I can totally see why it gained cult status and I can totally see how all my friends that actually saw this movie when they were kids were terrified of it. Probably not one I’ll revisit but definitely glad I finally saw it.
Pitch Perfect
Yeah, I know. This is WAYYYY out of the norm for me because this movie is totally mainstream but oh dear gods above, I am so in love with this movie. I watched Pitch Perfect
If you’re not familiar with it, here’s the low down. The Barden Bellas are trying to make a comeback after last year’s major loss at regionals or whatever due to one girl’s major projectile vomiting. Seriously, that was some hardcore puking and it happens a few times through out. And then there’s disturbingly gross yet hilarious puke angels being made…like snow angels but with vomit…but I digress. Anyways, they’re the laughing stock of their university and are in constant competition with the TrebleMakers an all guys group. No one wants to be a Bella so they recruit a pretty ragtag team of girls – Rebel Wilson as Fat Amy who is hilarious, a girl who talks constantly about her sexual escapades and can’t sing without grabbing her chest every two seconds, an adorable little Asian girl who is terrifyingly creepy and Anna Kendrick as Beca, who only wants to be a DJ but is being forced into this stupid college thing by her professor father.
The Acca-bitches
No really, that’s what their leader, Aubrey tends to call them. She also puts “acca” in front of lots of words so you have “acca-scuse me?” and so on. Oh and I can’t forget the use of the word “toner” which is a musical boner. SO many words have been added to my vocabulary after this movie. And I lost count of how many times people here say “We make music using only our mouths.” And I haven’t even gotten started on the rest of the dialogue. I’m a writer – when words are done right, it makes me melt, seriously. And the majority of the time here, words are done SOOOO right.
Aubrey – “I can see your toner through your jeans!”
Beca – “No. That’s my dick.”
Asian Girl – “I set fires to feel joy.”
Treblemaker – “That is so adorable.”
That last one in particular makes me smile because my friend Brad and I had the exact same conversation when we were 19…*sighs* Nostalgia.
OMG @ these guys.
Oh and cannot forget these two. They’re the hosts of all the competitions and they have some of the driest, funniest lines. Elizabeth Banks in particular is hysterical.
I’m so not talking this up like it deserves, not at all but it is, in my opinion, fucking awesome.
