Snow Beast

snowbeast

First things first, thank you and welcome to all my new followers!  Seriously, where did you all come from??  One thing you’ll quickly learn about me is that I’m a terrible blogger (no idea who gave me this job in the first place…) who is quite bad at updating due to a whole lot of factors so I apologize in advance.  I’m trying to improve, for reals. 

Secondly, I seem to have been nominated for a LAMMY (thanks to Tyson for pointing that out to me because I had no clue).  No idea how that happened but thank you to whomever or whatever got me there – it’s so greatly appreciated!!  I believe it’s common protocol to beg for votes so if you’d like to vote for me as…um…Best Horror Blog, I think…oh dear, I don’t even know if that’s right…*sighs*…well, that would also be greatly appreciated!  You must be a LAMB and you can go vote for me HEREAnd thank you!!!!

Now on to the main event – Snow Beast – warning, there will be spoilers ahead so if you were, like, super excited to see this please read no further. 

*WARNING – SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!*

Ah….where to start with Snow Beast?  Well, it’s not the 1977 Snow Beast so if you got really excited about that, sorry…But no, this gem features John Schneider ( of Dukes of Hazzard and Smallville fame) and Jason London (of London twin brother and shitting his pants in the back of a police car fame).  So where to start?….

What we have here is a creature feature of the most highlarious kind.  We have DAD, DAUGHTER who hates DAD and has been expelled from school for fighting, FEMALE potential love interest and ROB, token other male otherwise referred to here on out as WIMP BOY.  DAD heads a research team who annually go out to the middle of Canada to track Canadian Lynx (apparently that is a job people have).  Since DAUGHTER has been expelled from school, she’s forced to come with this year, whining and moaning the whole way.  Jason London plays a ranger who is concerned about an unusual amount of people disappearing in the snowy Canadian wilderness as of late and who has a boss (I think it’s his boss?) who doesn’t like the cold (WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO LIVE IN CANADA??).

The happy research team

The happy research team

The majority of the movie is as follows:

DAUGHTER:  Why, oh why must I be tortured like this?  I can’t even get a phone signal here in the wilderness!

DAD: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten expelled from school then.

DAUGHTER: I hate you because Mom left!  (turning to WIMP BOY) Wow, you’re, like, so HOT!

FEMALE:  Where are all the lynxes this year?

WIMP BOY: *falls over his own feet*

OMG, SNOW BEAST!!!

OMG, SNOW BEAST!!!

THEN this guy shows up – he’s been not only eating the lynxes BUT all the people too!  Dude, y’all!  He destroys our research team’s snowmobiles and runs around being a jerk.  Our team decides they must get the HELL outta there but FEMALE is all “But he’s eating the lynxes!  We need to get documentation or no one will believe us and then everyone else will come in and steal our glory!”  Silly FEMALE.  She of course goes and gets herself killed.  MALE is cranky because his potential girlfriend got all dead and stuff so he heads out to…catch the Snow Beast?  Not really sure but he heads out and gets all kidnapped and stuck in a snow cave for later consumption which leaves WIMP BOY alone with DAUGHTER for a night defending themselves in their log cabin from the Snow Beast which goes a little like this:

DAUGHTER:  OMG, we’re gonna die!!

WIMP BOY: Yeah, probably…

DAUGHTER: You’re supposed to the brave one!!

WIMP BOY: Why?

DAUGHTER: So I’m not scared!!  I wish my dad was here.

WIMP BOY: Me too. He’s super brave and shiz.

And then later on:

DAUGHTER: What am I supposed to do if dad’s dead?  I go home and then what?…

WIMP BOY: Eh, you’ll figure something out Orphan Girl.

And then comes the awesome ending that involves dragging raw food on a garbage can lid to lure Snow Beast out (of course WIMP BOY makes the DAUGHTER carry this) so they can shoot the Snow Beast full of tranquilizers and try to save MALE from the snow cave.  The best part EVER??  MALE is still alive, WIMP BOY and DAUGHTER grab him and THEN MALE and DAUGHTER run for their lives leaving WIMP BOY to his doom.  *giggles*  I’m watching and am like, “What the hell?  You people suck!”  Totes brill.

 

 

 

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About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2013.25.March, in American Cinema, American Indie, Creature Feature and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 50 Comments.

  1. Excellent!! Sounds Terrible!!

    You know I’d go vote for you if I could but I’m not a LAMB : (

  2. LOL ! ! I can watch anything as long as they’re supernatural or whatnot…. but your review really made this movie so unwatchable , even for me,

  3. John Schnieder doesn’t age!!! I think he’s one of the pods.

  4. I prefer the sequel: Snow Beast 2: Drizzle Beast.

  5. That picture of the snowbeast confirms to me that this is a turkey. I had to chuckle that John Schneider was in this. Apparently when he starred in Dukes he was known to be pretty arrogant and considered himself to being a ‘major up and coming star’, but I suppose after having to do stuff like this that ego has been put nicely into check.

    BTW, my blog got nominated too!!! As best new Lammy! So the deal is I’ll vote for yours if you vote for mine!

    • Really? Haha, that’s funny! I watched Dukes when I was super young but really don’t know much about him. This is why I never want to be “up and coming” just “working” as an actor, lol.

      Excellent deal! :)

  6. And to think, I gave this film a miss!! LOL Great review mate!!! :-D

  7. Great review! It’s so bad it’s good. Not your review, the film.

    And most of us Canadians complain about the cold. We’re just too lazy to leave. :)

    • Lol, thanks, Chris! :)

      And true – my bestie lives in Alberta and she’s always “We got 500 feet of snow today!” and I’m like, “Wtf, Mich-la?? Move already!” ;)

  8. Very entertaining post :)

  9. This sounds almost as good as Thankskillings! lol.

  10. Great post Misty! I *almost* want to see this to see how horrible it is. Almost. :)

  11. Congrats on all your new followers, I’m not at all surprised, you run a great blog! That snow monster looks… weird. Hee hee!

  12. I hope your not in best horror……..would hate to compete against you :)

  13. Hey Misty! I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Award! Just follow the bouncing link – http://mikesfilmtalk.com/2013/03/26/the-very-inspiring-blogger-award-and-the-liebster-award-thanks/

  14. I think this was a remake of a 70’s film, the dialogue was just as bad in that one.

  15. Nothing brings a dysfunctional family together quite like abandoning the boy who saved your life in the wilderness to be eaten by a Yeti. It’s quite touching really.

  16. Victor De Leon

    Yeti! Schnieder! Bad CGI! Stupid kids! I’m there!

And.........Action!

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