The Sinful Dwarf

Today’s post makes me very, very sad.  :(  I’m talking I kinda wanna jump out a window like the dwarf at the end of this movie sad.  :(  I don’t know what I did to deserve having to watch this thing but I clearly went very wrong somewhere in life.  :( I’ve also done something different here today, a kind of stream of conciousness thing wherein I’ve written my thoughts through out the movie.

But first, the plot:  A lady and her dwarf son (I’ll be using the term “dwarf” through out this because it’s used in the film btw) kidnap women, shoot them up with heroin and then rent out their bodies for sex.

This pretty much sums up the “plot”…

I don’t have minute marks or anything so this really is just what’s in my head through the film….

1 second in and I already hate this movie.

Why is that 30 year old woman pretending to be ten and playing hopscotch?

Seriously who but an actual 10 year old is charmed by an animatronic puppy??  Is this dwarf actually kidnapping children but the producers didn’t want to use children because it of the whole child porn thing?

A monkey playing drums is not helping this movie at all. 

Why are there dancing toys everywhere?  I feel like I should be on mind altering substances right now to actually make it through this…

Puppet humping the floor…*sighs*

Is the whole movie just going to be random scene bits with no ties?  Murder of teddy bears to screaming lady to couple outside a lodging house?  WTF?

Is that dwarf faking the accent or is that real?  And why is he frolicking on the bed? This is so disturbing.

Girl:  “I’m so tired, I don’t care, I’ll stay anywhere.”  Girl after meeting dwarf:  “I don’t want to stay here.” Said in tears.

Why was there a shot of the screaming girl again?  And why does no one freaking hear her scream?

Mom says no fooling around with them – isn’t that why those girls are there??

This is one sinful dwarf for sure.  Totes sketch.

If I have to watch this dwarf masturbate at any point in this movie, I will be pissed.

Oh for pete’s sake, I get it she has a really nice ass, that’s enough close ups of it!

E, you could’ve warned me of the porno factor…this sex scene has been going on for approximately 5 hours now…and I’m fairly certain they are actually doing THE SEX, as you say, instead of the acting.

Why is there a random woman writhing on the bed?  What the hell Sinful Dwarf??  What the hell?  I hate you so much.

Oh, that’s a great idea, Braless Girl Who’s Terrified of This House, go wandering around the dark hallways that look like a million people were murdered there. 

Girl writhing on bed again yelling for the dwarf…this dwarf takes way to much time to do things.  Slowest dwarf ever.

Different girl writhing on bed…no wait, several girls writhing on dirty mattresses…what is that dwarf injecting her with? 

Wow that one girl needs to eat something.

Why is the dwarf all…Danish or whatever and the mom has no accent?  Is he adopted?  Why do I care?  Why are those old ladies so happy over Beefeater?  How much longer is this movie??

OH.  They’re not sleeping with the girls, they’re selling the girl’s bodies to other people! 

Wait, now these old ladies have accents they didn’t a minute ago…

What kind of liquor is Beefeater?  I assume it’s like moonshine?

Oh please, no, no, no.  Please don’t let the drunk old women dance…please….

Oh this is just disturbing.  He’s making toys have THE SEX.  Dear lord…

And it just got worse.  The drunk old lady is not just wearing fruit on her head and dancing, but singing.  Why??  I want to cry…

Oh yay, more sex and writhing girl on bed but now it goes along with the song.  I am so sad.

So many asses.

I can think of so many other things I would rather be doing at this moment: creating a budget, giving the dog a flea bath, cleaning the house top to bottom, babysitting 20 five year olds…the list goes on and on…

How long have these women been drinking??  I think they’re on day 5.

She’s already stated a million times that she’s afraid of the room so why does she keep returning?  Get a freaking job already, Braless girl!

And speaking of braless, I just saw dwarf mom’s sideboob because she is wearing an entirely inappropriate shirt for a 50 year old.

Wow, not sure I’ve ever seen someone have a nervous breakdown over seeing a mouse.

Why is this man named Santa Claus?  This movie is disturbing on so many levels.

Why is she singing again?  I almost feel sorry for these drunk old ladies.  They’re like the anti “Absolutely Fabulous”.

Did S&M just enter into this?  It did!  ‘The movie just got interesting.  FINALLY.

Ah, heroin.  That’s what in that syringe.

This young couple is the most boring young couple of all time.  The only conversation they have is “Oh, don’t give up writing!” “But we need money!”

Since when does the man part of the young couple work in Santa Claus’s workshop??

Since when does this chick smoke??  Why does nothing make sense here??

I hate these old women.  She’s pulling out another costume to sing and dance in. 

Why does Braless Girl get to keep her bra when they kidnap her? And since when does she wear a bra in the first place?  Oh wait, two minutes later and she’s suddenly completely naked.  *sighs*

Dude, lady, it’s no use pleading to a guy who’s paying to rape you for help. 

Oh good, this time THE SEX has actual porno music to go along with all that thrustiness instead of drunk old women singing showtunes.

Oh no.  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  I think I’m about to see dwarf sex.  No.  Please.  IPC, why do you hate me??

Okay, okay, this is not good.  :(  He is raping her with a cane and I am not pleased with this turn of events at all.  :(  This movie better be over soon.

I think the end is nigh.  Please, please, please.  I’m begging you universe let it be over soon.  The cops are at the boarding house.   Oh please.

Oh hubby and cop just broke into the attic where the girls are all chained up and drugged.  Thank goodness. 

Seriously, cop?  You just hand a gun to the pissed off hubby?  I don’t see this ending well. 

Yep.  That didn’t end well at all.  And really evil mom?  Asking your sex slave ring to help you after you’ve been shot?  Stupidity.

I hate this dwarf and his cane.  I hope he falls out of this window. 

And he did.  Well, that was more a jump but still.  Works for me. 

Why are there toys hanging out in the alley???  Stupid movie.

I need to go take another shower.

So yeah, there you have it.  I am so not posting links or trailers or anything else because I do NOT want to be responsible for anyone else having to watch this ever.  Stupid dwarf.

About mistylayne

I'm a Z movie loving, horror hound, Buffy quoting, Dr. Who watching, geekazoid and seeker of all things unusual. I'm a gypsy wanderer, lover of words, Wendy of the damned and all that jazz. What can I say? I'm complicated.

Posted on 2012.25.August, in Danish Film, Exploitation and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 55 Comments.

  1. Sounds like you enjoyed it. :P

  2. I am sorry to say this but I love that you watched this because the play by play was frickin’ hysterical!

  3. This is the funniest post….and I haven’t even seen the movie.

    • Haha, thanks. And for the love of all that is good and holy J.D., don’t watch it. Although if you do, please write about it because your take will be hysterical!

  4. I have seen this one and it’s really totally freaky movie, was possible in same state as you, my jaw was open in disbelief for the entire movie… my girlfriend had given up 5 minutes into the movie and gone to bed. Had read your other posts about looking forward to this movie so didn’t want to comment anything until you had a chance to see it… but am happy that you didn’t like it, if you would… well that would have been just plain scary…

  5. well, well, it’s finally been released to us. 1) I tried to WARN you!! 2) I tried to talk you out of it!! 3) I think I even groveled a little trying to save you from this. 4) I could NEVER hate you. 5) I think I thank myself because this is one of your best posts EVER and I’ve read it multiple times today. 6) Since you’re taking a break you’re going out with a bang because this is F-ING funny!! 7) Now we can make our secret handshake, right? 8) Right???

    Your friend,

    the ipc

    • 1), 2), & 3) – I had to watch this as part of our deal!!! I think that makes those three points invalid! ;-p 4) After this, I’m not so sure… 5)Why do people enjoy my pain so?? ;) 6) *giggles* Thanks, I may do stream of consciousness more often! 7) OMG, YES!! There HAS to be a secret handshake for this shit for the love of all that is good and holy!

      Your maybe friend (heehee),
      ~M

      • : ) ~ I have an idea for one that I’ll send to you in email soon. I hope people read your words and take this as a cautionary tale to NOT go watch this. = )

  6. I will be looking forward to that email, theipc! And please, yes, take heed everyone who stumbles across this. If I can save one soul from having to watch this, at least some good will come of it!

  7. This movie sounds like a terrible porno designed to make anyone who watches it super uncomfortable…I’m going to watch it, review it, and probably regret it.

    • Oh, Vincent, you are not taking this cautionary tale the right way. The moral here is to NOT watch! ;) That said, I cannot wait to see your thoughts on this masterpiece.

  8. Not a very good film at all. Yet I own it and have watched it a few times. It’s somehow alluring. Hmm, must do podcast on killer midgets soon.

  9. This is kind of like an anatomy of a bad film. I like how you commented throughout watching the film. It gave a brilliant picture of just how truly bad it was. Based on your painfully rendered descriptions, I think I will be avoiding this picture like the plaque. Oh and congratulations on watching the whole thing. I would have stopped after the intro I think. :-)

    • Lol, thanks, Mike! I was sorely tempted to stop watching, oh was I ever but I had to watch as part of a deal I made with theipc so I couldn’t. And please do avoid it at all costs!

      • I will definitely avoid this. The very idea of a Dwarf ‘porn’ film makes my eyes glaze over. No disrespect to height impaired people (very P/C) but that is just something that I can’t get excited about. Oh and great idea for your review! It was very entertaining. :-D

  10. Haha wow that’s a scorning review, I love it haha :D
    Think I will watch it now :D

  11. Well this certainly sounds appealing :)

  12. I have a dilemma in that I in no way want to *ever* watch this, and yet I kind of want to watch it while reading your commentary because it is decidedly hilarious.

  13. Sounds Sinful! Thanks for putting up with this torture for us. I will never watch this movie after reading this post. You have saved me an hour or so.

  14. I think, if I watched it, I would be up all night with nightmares! How did you sleep after that shudder?

  15. Hahaha great review! I kind of wish they were all like this

  16. Most. Amazing. Review. EVER!!!! I wish you could join me and my team when we do an Ultimate Movie Marathon :)

  17. Sweet effin Jesus. These dans are crazy. I got to see this movie like asap. Excellent write-up

  18. Acadia Einstein

    A monkey playing drums helps everything. Always.

  19. I love scary movie…but thanks for the heads up on this one. I’m sure your narration is far classier than the movie. Ewwwww sounds really gross. Very funny post though. Jen

  20. Nice one, Misty :)
    Part of me really wants to watch this now. Does that make me a bad person?
    (by the way, Beefeater is a brand of gin)

  21. I watched it. I hate myself.

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